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MIL problems

(33 Posts)
Reddeb Fri 11-Jul-14 09:18:57

Hi does anyone else have a MIL who constantly creates drama, wants to be centre of attention, needs to be in control. Just to set the scene my family and I recently emigrated to Austrslia. Mil was v unhappy and blamed me entirely, not that her son had any part to play?! Now even being over the other side of the world she's still managing to spread her drama over here. She's been messaging me and I messaged her back with photos etc but just recently she's been sending lots of nasty messages and I just couldn't take it any more and deleted her from my contacts. The shit hit the fan, phone calls, threats to disinherit us etc I can't take it any more. She's driving me to a nervous breakdown all the way from the UK. Don't know what to do and don't want to destroy the family.

Reddeb Fri 11-Jul-14 09:21:25

For the same if completeness during a argument recently I told her that I hate her, she'd been pushing me and pushing me till I snapped. I know this was v wrong and have apologized to her more times than I can count, but to no avail. I just can't take the stress any more!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-Jul-14 09:35:29

What does your DH have to say? Does he ever step in or confront her? Does he back you up?

I think you've done the right thing, incidentally. No-one, whether they are related to you or not, has the right to send nasty messages and expect no come-backs. Don't have a nervous breakdown, but do keep your distance (and Australia is about as far as it gets smile ) until the dust has settled. She needs you more than you need her and she'll just have to adjust.

Reddeb Fri 11-Jul-14 09:41:56

I'm just not feeling v strong mentally at the moment some homesickness and other set backs here have been hard to cope with. Dh veers between backing me up and agreeing with her as he is scared of her. Though just recently I think he's reached the end of his they her too and has said not to contact us if she can't be nice. It hasn't stopped her.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 11-Jul-14 09:43:18

Can't you just leave her to her DSon?
Why are you having to deal with all the shit?
Forward everything onto your DH and he can deal with her.
Ignore her for now. Don't take calls and don't reply to texts.
Your DH can do that from now on.
Stop feeding the drama and the drama may just ease up a bit? <well we can all dream>

Reddeb Fri 11-Jul-14 09:49:52

Well that's what I'm doing going forward, not replying to, not speaking to. Poor dh will have to deal with and he doesn't deal well with it! But i can't anymore. She sees this as rejection though and as she'll tell anyone she doesn't cope well with rejection.

Reddeb Fri 11-Jul-14 09:51:58

Dh was speaking to her earlier, so I walked into another room. I heard him saying to mil you can't speak to send messages like this to red and her screaming at him over and over again, " what sort of son are you?"

RoaringTiger Fri 11-Jul-14 09:53:15

It's my Bil who causes the drama in out lives, completely agree with hellsbells-direct everything to you oh to deal with. I've had 4 years of Bil calling me every name under the sun, slagging me off to dp and undermining me with our children. At the start of this year he tried saying I wasn't allowed to be there when he visited my children (as he can't do being civil!), he then sent me a text a few months later telling me that I had caused an arguement between him and his brother and he wasn't going to let me destroy their relationship. I rang him up and told him I hadn't caused any such arguement since I haven't seen him since February and the fact that him and his brother were arguing were down to them so he could stop blaming me and while on the subject did he carry my children for 9 months? (Bil; well obviously no), to which I told him exactly, so don't every think you have the right to demand I aren't there when you see my children all because you don't like the fact that I don't roll over and let you control us. I then handed it all over to dp, amazingly he lasted two weeks taking the crap he had expected me to take before having a huge blowup and effectively telling him to wind his neck in or do one and even more funny is the fact that he is refusing to sort anything until he gets an apology despite making me 'be the bigger person and draw a line under it all' while effectively giving his brother the green light to bully me.

Take yourself out the equation, block her number, direct calls to you oh, refuse to deal with her your life will be so much happier x

RoaringTiger Fri 11-Jul-14 09:53:58

Sorry for the typos, on my phone and full of head cold!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 11-Jul-14 09:54:36

Right now he's an abused son.
I think you both need to cut contact now.
Not sure how your DH feels about that.
Is the inheritance worth all this crap?
Cut her out of your lives. Neither of you need any of this.

Guitargirl Fri 11-Jul-14 10:02:46

I would disengage completely.

She is on the other side of the world and is trying to make up for her lack of control.

This is what I would do in your position. Explain to your husband that from now on any message you receive from his mother will be forwarded to him. Email your MIL and tell her what you have said here, that the content of her messages are having an impact upon your health and from now on, any messages will not be read but will simply be forwarded to her son. Then any email you receive from her, do not read it, just click forward to your husband with the words 'I am forwarding the latest message from your mother. I have not read this communication'. Every message gets sent to him with these words and every time his mother gets copied in.

livingzuid Fri 11-Jul-14 10:13:57

Don't engage with her. Change your numbers and your email addresses. No inheritance is worth this horrendous behaviour. She is using money as the control tool. Don't let that happen. It's just money - you don't have it right now anyway and you can't/shouldn't rely on it for the future either.

Sorry you are having to go through this. You must cut off from this awful woman. I have a mil who was becoming a nightmare over our dd. Oh the drama and theatrics and manipulation attempts were ridiculous! I just stopped replying to messages and refused to go round, and told DH it was his family and he had to deal with it, which he did. I still don't Your DH needs to do the same no matter how hard he finds it. He will actually feel more in control and better for it in the end. What, after all, is the worst that could happen?

Good luck thanks

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 11-Jul-14 10:20:02

This is at its heart all about power and control; she still wants to control you both.

You cannot change her but you can and must certainly change how you both react to her. Boundaries must be raised; you have been far too reasonable with her to date (I can see why you have tried to be nice because you are a nice person) and she is making you pay for that particular error.

You both need to detach completely from his narcissistic mother/your MIL. No contact or any acknowledgement from either of you as of now, any contact you give her is regarded by her as a reward and thus she will bother you even more. Block her number from your phone and e-mail accounts; what she is doing is basically amounting to harassment. Nothing from her if it gets through is ever acknowledged. Such dysfunctional parents as well often use the threat of disinheritance over their "errant" offspring; ignore that as well.

Such people can never be at all reasoned with; when you are dealing with such dysfunctional disordered people the "normal" rules of dealing with familial relations simply go out the window.

It is NOT your fault she is like this and I am not altogether surprised your DH is afraid of her. People often have FOG - fear, obligation and guilt in spades with regard to such dysfunctional relatives.

Reddeb Fri 11-Jul-14 10:35:04

Trouble is dh is v close to his Dad and breaking contact with him would break his heart. I just feel so emotionally exhausted right now.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 11-Jul-14 10:41:13

His Dad enables his wife to continue with her behaviours. He is not blameless at all here and is a bystander to all this overall dysfunction. His position here is basically that you cannot rely on him at all to protect you from his wife. He has also acted also out of self preservation and want of a quiet life, he will continue to put his wife well above his son and you as his DIL.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 11-Jul-14 10:43:11

You both have to disengage totally from all this as such people thrive on such dramas of their own making. Not doing that will only send you down a path of real misery and emotional pain.

You are physically far enough away from them, you both need to become more emotionally distance from them as well. It is NOT your fault they are like this.

livingzuid Fri 11-Jul-14 10:47:56

Is there a way he can just stay in contact with his dad? If not then you have to give consideration to not contacting her at all. Is it worth it for the level of stress?

You dont have to deal with her at all though. You need never speak to her again. Let DH handle all communication if he wants to remain in contact.

This is very difficult for you and hugely stressful so be sure to take care of yourself whilst this is being resolved. Disengage as much as you can from her.

Meerka Fri 11-Jul-14 10:50:06

that is hard, if he is close to him. What does your husband's dad say about all this? becusae he's obviously not reigning his wife in, is he kind of bullied into silence? or has he been persuaded that you really are the devil's daughter complete with horns?

The strain on you is absolutely immense. Does he see that? Have you made a time with him to sit down and discuss the situatoin and the strain on you?

Sadly the point can come when push comes to shove and an adult has to choose between his wife and children and his birth family. Worst case, and you're not all that far off worst case atm, he needs to choose.

The money is not worth it. It isnt ... and I speak as someone who is also disinherited, Im sure by now, and is not well-off.

If he's the sort to be in touch with his emotions at all, I think your husband needs some counselling or therapy. Being afraid of his mum is almost always something where the seeds are laid down early. Silly question but I assume you're supporting your husband when he stands up for you, saying ' you can't speak to Red like that?'

I hope it works out, it sounds horrendous

Reddeb Fri 11-Jul-14 11:04:44

Yes fil is what I would call an enabler, for a quiet life out if fear of being by himself. He will just say mil can't help herself, can't control herself. Everyone else on the other hand must do so at all times. I so regret saying I hate you, I know it was wrong, although in my defense after her having attacked me for over 30min. As she kept telling me she is traumatized is having flashbacks and nightmares and basically has PTSD

SanityClause Fri 11-Jul-14 11:19:26

Yes, I used to get "my poor Dad" all the time. Now I just point out that "poor Dad" effectively used his son as a human shield while DH was growing up, and should have been standing up to MIL on DH's behalf, rather than doing the "anything for a quiet life" routine.

I would forward any messages onto your DH to deal with, and let her know you have done so. Repeat ad infinitum.

Reddeb Fri 11-Jul-14 11:23:34

Sorry I want clea, reading my last message back, I said I hate you after provocation, though still wrong of me. This has give mil PTSD

ScrambledSmegs Fri 11-Jul-14 11:34:56

Your MIL has PTSD because of you saying you hated her after intend provocation?

What a load of bollocks. Does anyone actually believe her?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jul-14 11:35:31

Out of interest how long have you been Down Under Red? It's bound to take time to establish yourselves. I'm sure you'll strike up meaningful friendships. Homesickness is a headache so no wonder MIL snapping at you does your head in. I expect you have been on Living Overseas section? There must be some MNers in your territory.

MIL can rant all she likes - PTSD, inheritance? oh please. Next she's going to guilt trip you with mysterious health problems. Like a wayward toddler you be firm, that sort of antic means she is trying to get your attention with negative behaviour, so take the air out of her balloon by ignoring.

She must have been gutted you all emigrated but clinging limpet-like to adult DCs is going to have the opposite effect she hopes for. Your FIL can't rein her in after x years of marriage so it must be a very difficult time for DH.

ScrambledSmegs Fri 11-Jul-14 11:35:31

Intense provocation.

Sorry, autocorrect.

nauticant Fri 11-Jul-14 11:35:51

This has give mil PTSD

It's given her a stick to beat you and your DH with.

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