Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Pathetic crush and now I feel like a fool

(92 Posts)
oliveoliveolive Thu 10-Jul-14 23:37:02

I've name changed, not sure what I'm looking for here really but probably just sympathy.

I split up from my ex a few months ago with whom I have a dd - the split was amicable enough.

Post-split I made friends with a lovely guy who I'd previously known about from mutual friends but had never really spoken to him iyswim.

Anyways, we got talking and became fast friends within these few months so much so that we spoke every day and met up frequently on a strictly platonic basis (though I always thought I sensed something more than platonic). There was a bit of flirting but nothing was ever really said apart from how we cared about one another a lot etc and just laughing at how important we are to each other and how it's amazing we hadn't met sooner. He really does seem in awe of our friendship as am I - I won't go into detail but we have in common a few personal matters which until now neither of us had found in other people. We have the same sense of humour and just get on.

So recently I've accepted that I'm ready for a new relationship (to be fair I have been for a few weeks if not longer) and that my feelings for this man go beyond just platonic - he's suffered some personal tragedies this month and it's all been a bit draining for him, I've been there to support him through this and grown even closer to him. He really is a lovely guy and we really do 'click' together well, even mutual friends have said there is an obvious spark.

But then today he asked for my input on how to proceed with things in relation to a colleague he rather fancies - apparently I'm his only female friend and just 'knew' I would have good advice.

I have been friendzoned and it is shit.

I feel pathetic and mortified at the thought of actually having told him my feelings and then finding out he fancies someone else.

Going nc or anything with him is out of the question because he really is a great guy and a wonderful friend but I'm not sure how I feel about seeing him dating someone else if things with his colleague or someone else work out. I feel quite devastated to be honest and not just because he likes someone else but because this 'spark' or chemistry we had is one I've never really felt before. We both recognised that we get along so well etc so I'm quite stumped as to why he never saw a romantic potential in what we currently have. If a man and a woman find a connection between themselves that is clearly strong then why did a romantic prospect only enter my mind, why not his?

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 00:41:35

oh no, oh no. Men don't think like that! Oh I'm going to sabotage my great friendship by fixing you up romantically with my mate.

Please please risk hinting at your feelings. Start with 'id be quite sad if you got a gf to be honest'

and then write out a list of 'admissions' on paper, so that you know how MUCH you want to put on the table depending on what he says next.

Just to have it in your head. Because there's no point telling you to tell him " i regret shutting down that conversation we nearly had a while back because I wasn't ready for it then, but I am now, and I worry I might have lost you when I hear you talk about your colleage"

too much!?!? rome wasn't built in a day. Do put a card on the table though and come back and tell me how it panned out

PlantsAndFlowers Fri 11-Jul-14 00:42:37

Oh for christsake - massive drip feed OP! grin CLEARLY HE WANTS YOU!

You need to say something like - 'Felt really awkward the other day talking about you liking x. Made me realise maybe I'd thought something might develop between us.' (Keep lots of maybes in there) and play it by ear.

Go for it!

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 00:46:52

No don't go for it. If he wanted you then he would say so. He's "sounding" out a relationship and not with you.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 00:47:33

I realise that was a terrible drip feed! I often don't know what is relevant because yes context is important but we've always been quite playful and after today I wasn't even sure if it was flirting or just messing around..

SaVred I love the conversation starter but I fear after 'I regret' it'll just turn into 'sidhgdffg' with my nerves and inability to express my feelings!

I may need to take the plunge before it's too late, I'm just scared and anxious whether I've got it all wrong or whether there is something there..

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 00:51:26

There is something there, its called friendship or rebound, whatever you wish to call it but I personally wouldn't go there. If he wanted a relationship with you, we aren't in kindergarten, he's an adult, not a child and he's not sending out mixed signals. He asked you about another female!

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 00:52:44

Actually I retract the "friendship" bit. He's testing his prowess with you to see how attractive he is.

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 00:54:42

just say it. if his reaction is sheer horror (which I don't think it will be) then ahve something ready to lob in to the conversation to rescue the awkwardness (i'm clearly a veteran of this type of torture).

"remember that conversation we nearly had, about what we'd look for in a boyfriend or in a girlfriend? well I shut that down because I wasn't ready for it then but I am now".

count to five in your head. AT least five. ONe mississippi, two mississippi etc.

Then if the silence is a chasm, say "my grandma put £50 on germany to win, 13 to 1".

Or something like that that throws everybody a float if it's needed.

But honestly, i don't think you are barking up the wrong tree here.

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 01:00:25

This isn't a romance film you know. It doesn't work like that in real life. If a guy fancies you then you really don't need to wonder about it. If you have to "wonder" about it then he doesn't. Its very simple.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 01:02:47

Looking back I don't think I'm barking up the wrong tree either, this one comment has really thrown me because asides from that, I thought we were slowly heading towards 'something'.

Tinks42 he looks like Ryan Gosling and has a six-pack. He's a few years older than me, early 30s and I'm sure he knows how attractive he is!

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 01:06:54

Ok... think you just got the wrong end of the stick here again OP. I said that if he really fancied you then you would know about it? He's playing with you. Now due to you next message I definitely know he is.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 01:12:58

I don't think he's 'playing' me Tinks, yes he is good looking but he's not an arse. He's genuinely a really nice guy and a really good friend - he travelled down 5 hours from where he was a while back when I was going through a breakdown just to support me as he was away from work. He's a good guy but perhaps just sees me as a best friend. I don't even know anymore...

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 01:13:26

*for work

AGnu Fri 11-Jul-14 01:16:08

This sounds just like me & my friend many years ago. We were really close but I was convinced he wasn't interested so went overboard trying to reassure him that I was happy just being friends. I found out later that he was interested & our mutual close friend hadn't just been telling me to say something to shut me up about him but because she wanted us to both stop whining to her about each other! blush

I've replayed every scenario in my head so many times... If I were you I'd bring it up in a casual way. Maybe something like reminding him of the conversation about what you look for & ask if there was a reason he was asking - does he know someone who might be interested because you think you might be ready to start dating if it's someone you can trust... If he asks what you look for again, just describe your favourite things about him... With plenty of emphasis on how you think the best romantic relationships evolve from strong friendships... While playing footsie... grin

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 01:19:33

im going to be very blunt here and tell you that you already know how he see's you. It's not in a romantic way. Stop wasting your energy. Put that into getting better.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 01:21:20

He's away for work at the moment and so I won't be seeing him for the next few weeks but I will try and bring the subject up again in the right circumstances. If I can muster the courage. I still speak to him daily but I think this requires face to face interaction..

inicio Fri 11-Jul-14 06:12:18

Please ignore tinks42, their advice is crap and appears to be based on some idea that men are not capable of the same fears of rejection and humiliation and ability to mask their true feelings that women are.

Inertia Fri 11-Jul-14 06:36:12

I think there's a fair possibility that he's asking you for advice about another woman as a test of how uou react, and whether that prompts you into admitting any kind of romantic feelings for him. It seems that he has tried to open that door a couple of times already, so he might be trying to gauge whether to try again with you , or establish that you're not interested.

If you are already quite open and have a trusting relationship, I would think about telling him that you can't advise him about a relationship with another woman because of your own feelings. If he responds by opening up a dialogue about that then you'll need to let down your guard a bit. If he responds by going on about how colleague is the best thing since sliced bread then you have your answer.

MuttonCadet Fri 11-Jul-14 06:57:11

I was in a very similar situation, very close male friend who I had supported through some emotional stuff asked me for advice on a colleague.

I advised that she wasn't right for him, and made it clear who I thought was smile we've been married 2 years.

WildBillfemale Fri 11-Jul-14 07:15:49

*I'm telling you now- that is a bad plan. If you keep seeing him and hoping against hope that he'll change his mind, you'll end up ignoring every other man in your path because "he's not x". I have been there!

If you're going to keep seeing him, listen to what he's telling you. He's looking for a relationship, but not with you. Do you want to be his Dr Phil? No, because it's shit and boring and it'll break your heart. Disengage immediately.

I don't mean to be harsh and I promise irl I would be delivering these words with some tea and an awkward pat on the back*

Agree with this because I have a friend who has been in exactly the same position as you OP and has been for YEARS! She's put her life on hold hoping the friend will change his mind but it's not happening.

Maybe you should be honest with your friend and tell him you have feelings for him other than friendship so aren't the best person to advise him on other women?

I think you should distance yourself, look to date others. If what you have is worth hanging on to this man may realise you are slipping away and come after you - don't count on it though, I do think men let you know when they are interested romantically and that doesn't seem to be happeneing..........don't hang around waiting in the wings.

1FluffyJumper Fri 11-Jul-14 08:04:57

I would def ask him!
If he says he's interested - great!
If he says he's not interested, you are going to prob want to phase him out anyway cos seeing him date other people could be pretty torturous!
You don't stand to lose anything just by asking.

kaykayblue Fri 11-Jul-14 08:33:27

He sounds weird.

I don't think he deliberately "friend zoned" you (and that is possibly my least favourite expression ever - people are allowed to want to just be friends. There is not obligation for them to want to date you!!), I just think he saw you in a different light.

If he gets together with this other girl, be honest with him and tell him you really enjoyed being friends with him, and you wish him all the luck for the future, but it's a little painful for you to see him dating another woman". Then leave it at that. Don't get dragged into a big discussion about why or what or how. Just go for a clean break.

Otherwise you are going to get bogged down in so much fucking bitchy drama between you and his girlfriend, and heartbreak over seeing him with her.


fishdishwish Fri 11-Jul-14 08:49:26

kaykayblue, that middle paragraph sounds like a précis of Dolly's I Will Always Love You!

I'm a bloke, and I've found myself in this situation quite a few times over the years (as the one with the crush). I'm extraordinarily crap at showing my hand (due to a lot of a bad rejections as a teenager), usually because I've been afraid of torpedoing the relationship completely and losing someone's friendship.

The sad truth is, though, that you can waste a lifetime hoping someone will change their feelings towards you. People develop and grow, sure but the Hollywood-style 'lightbulb' moment seldom happens in real-life, I guess.

upupupandaway Fri 11-Jul-14 09:45:43

I honestly think you should tell him how you feel. There is a small chance that he's testing the water by telling you about this colleague; in the hope you will make the first move.
I don't think you will make a fool of yourself; even if he tells you the feeling isn't mutual. Do you want to really want to spend the next year/ decade wondering if he was " the one who got away"?
Better to lay your cards on the table now.

Seriouslyffs Fri 11-Jul-14 09:56:27

If you tell him how you feel and he doesn't feel the same, you might lose a friend. The friendship is unlikely to continue this strongly anyway. If you tell him how you feel and he feels the same, the coast is clear to start a relationship.
Don't hang around hoping he'll notice you 'that way' it'll do your head in and could stimy any other possible relationships.
Be brave!

Knackeredmum13 Fri 11-Jul-14 10:08:01

I think you should tell him how you feel. It sounds to me like he does like you but you've indicated that you don't feel the same by shutting down whenever he has tried to talk to you.

He may have brought up the colleague as a final pugs to try and get a reaction from you to see whether you do like him in that way. Or he may just have started looking elsewhere because you've convinced him that you just want to flirt with him and nothing more. Don't sit back and watch him start a relationship with someone else because you've not made your feelings for him clear.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now