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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Was I in the wrong ??

70 replies

Fluffy101 · 09/07/2014 21:55

Need some balanced views as currently I am fuming with my DH.

I have just been away with work for one night so technically he and my DS haven't seen me for almost two days, when I got back from work out my son to bed and put tea on and then had to make a few phone calls for work which lasted approx 20 mins, at this stage my DH was fuming and started slamming doors to show his displeasure all because it was 8pm and he hadn't seen me for two days.

Now he won't even speak to me and is sulking. I think his behaviour was very childish however in his defence he is not feeling well tonight, ..... So question is was I in the wrong for making these calls ?

OP posts:

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JapaneseMargaret · 09/07/2014 21:58

Of course not. Is he normally this petulant?

BramblePie · 09/07/2014 21:58

Nope. He is an idiot.

RudyMentary · 09/07/2014 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlinkAndMiss · 09/07/2014 21:59

No, but perhaps you should have told him you were planning on working tonight. He's obviously missed you and this is his misguided way of saying he wanted you to himself tonight.

Fairylea · 09/07/2014 22:01

Oh goodness you mean you didn't bow down and kiss his feet in adoration?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

He's behaving like a child. You got in and sorted out your dc. I'm sure you said hello to dh and he can wait for your company a bit longer while you take a phone call!

leguminous · 09/07/2014 22:01

He's behaving like a child. Oh woe, he had to wait 20 more minutes for your undivided attention, after you had put your son to bed and started cooking the evening meal. Wonder what would have happened if you'd felt like putting your feet up for a few minutes.

He was home before you, it sounds like. If he was so desperate to be your top priority, perhaps he could have had dinner started before you got in, so you could have sat down with him sooner.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/07/2014 22:02

Sorry - he is poncing around slamming doors because you made some work calls lasting 20 minutes? And you had been away for just one single night?

Wow.

ImperialBlether · 09/07/2014 22:02

Why didn't he cook dinner while you made your calls/put the baby to bed?

WAITLIST · 09/07/2014 22:04

Depends really and depends on context. Did you get back and at least spend 5 minutes saying hello before going onto your calls? What would you feel like if it were the other way round and he had been away for a couple of days and behaved in the same way?

crazylady321 · 09/07/2014 22:07

Yes bit childish and petty but thats men for you, even the best of the bunch :)

Hes probilly just missed you

JapaneseMargaret · 09/07/2014 22:07

'Behaved in the same way'?!

You mean, come home, sorted out the DC and got dinner on...?!

LOL.

I can see how this thread is going to go. It will well and truly sort the wheat from the man-appeasers chaff.

warysara · 09/07/2014 22:08

I guess he missed you and feels aggrieved that you took even more time to be on the phone. Not really acceptable behaviour though. I think he should have cooked you dinner rather than you having to do it.

Perhaps a 'Wow I missed you' comment from you? And then see where it leads?

I've been in this situation and sometimes it just isn't worth it so some consolatory gesture is all that is needed to then get the true feeling of he missed you etc...

Fluffy101 · 09/07/2014 22:11

Thanks for the replies so far. To be fair as soon as I got back I started tidying up and sorting DS and. Tea so other than a quick hello didn't really speak to DH

He has said before he feels second best to my job and I wonder if this has in his eyes proved it tonight.

So how do I deal with it now do I leave him to sulk or apologise lol

OP posts:

Joysmum · 09/07/2014 22:11

Depends of you have him and your boy a nice long hug when you hit home then said you'd put your don to bed, make a couple of calls and then look forward to being with him.

If you got in, didn't show any signs of being happy to see him and just put your son to bed and made the calls without acknowledging him then it's no wonder he's peeved.

JapaneseMargaret · 09/07/2014 22:13

By all means make some conciliatory gestures. But does he work? Do you feel second-best to his job...?

Fluffy101 · 09/07/2014 22:16

Yes he works and no I don't feel second best to his, his is more 9-5 whereas mine I have my work phone on in the evenings although to be fair get very few calls usually

OP posts:

sherbetpips · 09/07/2014 22:24

If that had been my DH doing it to me I would have been narked too. Wouldn't have stropped all night though.

GnomeDePlume · 09/07/2014 22:27

other than a quick hello didn't really speak to DH

Yes, you are in the wrong. You have been away for a couple of days, barely acknowledged your DH then made phone calls for 20 minutes. I know that 20 minutes doesnt seem long but your DH wont have known it was going to be 20 minutes would he?

Not only has he come second place to your work but also second place to some tidying up.

JapaneseMargaret · 09/07/2014 22:29

He obviously expects to have your undivided attention at home. This is unrealistic. I could understand if you were a workaholic and never had any time for him, but this clearly isn't the case.

DH and I both work, there are times when we have to work in the evenings. If DH made me feel even slightly guilty for this, I would be so, so annoyed. It's life. It's being an adult.

You need to get to the bottom of this gripe, and figure out a way for him to make his peace with the fact that, yes, sometimes, you need to do a few minutes' work in the evenings, and no, it doesn't mean he is less of a priority in your life.

bonzo77 · 09/07/2014 22:32

I'm with your DH. I cannot bear it when DH does this. Straight to see DSs and then on the phone. admittedly this is while I have already tidied and got dinner started. Makes me even madder when he's still on the phone when I'm dishing up. . Can't the phone calls wait half an hour?

WAITLIST · 09/07/2014 22:45

There is a difference between having to work for a few mins/hours in the evening and coming home after two days and barely acknowledging your partner before taking calls. I have been guilty of this myself. It is thoughtless and your OH has a right to feel annoyed. Wouldn't you?

McBear · 09/07/2014 22:48

But he luffs you and missed you!

You should have given him a bit of acknowledgement. I imagine he felt pretty far down on your list. I'd have a bit of a face on I think.

Next time give him a big hug and a kiss and say 'I have to do x, y and z but will spend time with you after' otherwise he's just waiting around for you!

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JapaneseMargaret · 09/07/2014 22:48

Then why isn't the DH putting the little one to bed and sorting dinner, freeing up the OP's time after a night away?

That's exactly what she woud be doing, if the situation were reversed.

McBear · 09/07/2014 22:49

Oh and definitely apologise

AskBasil · 09/07/2014 22:52

"Yes bit childish and petty but thats men for you, even the best of the bunch"

Er, no, that's not men for you, they're not all nobbers. Some of them can actually act like adults at times,it's very unfair on the sensible ones, to lump them together with the fuckwits.

What was he doing while you were sorting the dinner and your DS?

This passive aggressive slamming around and then sulking, is utterly revolting behaviour from an adult. Irritating in a teenager, intolerable in an adult.

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