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Do I call it a day? Just don't know what to do.

(32 Posts)
feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 15:43:14

I have been with my h 8 years, married 6. We have two dc age 2 and 4.

We've not been getting on for a while. The main issue is that he has a problem with weed and alcohol (doesn't see it as a problem though). And in the past I have got so fed up of him being stoned at home with me on his days off that I have wanted it to be over and told him so. He admits it's a problem at the time, says he promises to stop, lasts a few weeks/sometimes months before talking me round again promising it'll be occasional and that it'll make him happy and that he won't overdo it. Then it just escalates to him doing it every night til it's gone and the cycle then just repeats itself.
We got to a crisis point a few months ago where we were arguing a lot over it and since then he's pretty much had none. He hates and resents me though for controlling him, he says he wants the freedom to do it whenever he likes and so now he's just grumpy and volatile towards me all the time. We keep trying to work things out but all it boils down to is that he wants to get stoned and I'm stopping him. There seems to be no resolution, he acts like everything's ok and tries to sweeping under the carpet when deep down I feel like he doesn't really care about me and isn't happy at all. I just want u s to be happy together.
I hate the stuff, it changes him, makes him angry and grumpy the next day. He doesn't want to get up and has no patience with the kids. I feel it makes us distant. He has lied and done it behind my back probably more times than I realise. He sees nothing wrong in it whatsoever and fully believes that it's good for you and your soul. He thinks I am just a killjoy. May be I am. I don't know because my perspective is all skewed now I panic when he has some.
The alcohol runs alongside this. Apart from when he's at work, he drinks quite heavily most nights. . And I can sense his agitation on nights where he hasn't got any alcohol or run out.
He says I'm no fun to be around, controlling, always negative and will say things like god formid anyone ever have fun when you're around. He has nasty outbursts where he totally slags me off then just blames it on feeling stressed or giving up smoking (tobacco). But the things he says to me hurt my feelings I then feel low all day so he has a go at me for being miserable.
I don't know what I'm asking really. Just want someone to tell me what to do to make it better. And I want the dc to be happy above all else.
I do love him, when we're good we have fun, laugh together got a lot in common but at the moment we're snappy with each other. I am walking on eggshells around him. I'm not totally innocent thoughand have said some home truths in the past, it just seems to wash over him. I have been thinking on and off about whether to break up for a while now but it feels like such a massive thing. I suggested some time apart but he just says it won't be him who leaves the house so asks me where I will go then.
We're on holiday at the moment and I feel like I can't escape and it's his birthday tomorrow so I've got to pretend everything is ok. He's out swimming at mo with dc1 but when he's back might not get chance to reply much. Home in 2 days though.

Jan45 Wed 09-Jul-14 17:22:20

Honestly OP, he just sounds totally not your bag, in other words, you don't want to sit smoking weed or get whasted on alcohol, he does, perhaps he needs to move out and get on with it then, without you having to watch.

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 17:26:28

The thing is, I now do feel like this nagging, boring, tired mother, constantly feeling negative but trying to be happy. I prioritise the dc in everything so I do have a 'boring' approach to life at the moment. They are young and demanding.
but I do doubt myself, maybe I am the one causing the problems, that's how he makes me feel.
I know you're all right and I am listening. I just need a plan really.

Jan45 Wed 09-Jul-14 17:36:48

Again, feeling like that is natural, he is making you doubt, and not even like yourself because you don't like having to nag, nag, nag.

He either accepts that, if he wants a life with you then the smoking needs to stay in the past and his drinking needs to be brought down, it's not boring, he's the boring one needing crutches like that just to get by.

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 17:41:41

He is trying to not smoke it and trying not to drink so much. The effort is definitely there which is positive. However he is not happy. And it's the fact that he's doing it for me rather than choosing to do it for himself. It's so hard sad

Holdthepage Wed 09-Jul-14 18:26:21

It's not you it's him. You are not the killjoy he is. He is sucking all the joy out of your life that's for sure. It won't be long before he is sucking the joy out of your DC's lives either. He wants to be either stoned or wasted. What a prince.

Start swotting up on your rights & entitlements because before too long you are going to need them. If you don't leave him now you will in the future. Guaranteed.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 09-Jul-14 18:41:20

I suggest you get some legal advice4. Just so that you have all the relevant information handy, because I note that your drug-addled fuckwit says that he won't leave the family home. It's not necessarily up to him. It might be possible to have him removed and get a court order to keep him out of the house.

newnamesamegame Wed 09-Jul-14 20:08:13

feelinglost in answer to your question, yes we probably are separating though terms are still tbd. I gave him an ultimatum three weeks ago, about drinking, he agreed to stop then went back on it a few days later (and was shitty and tried to blame me for it into the bargain) and has since been in a mammoth sulk so I haven't been able to speak to him about it properly.

I can't really see a way back from this, barring some serious soul searching and work on his part. He knows how I feel about it, periodically agrees to do something about it and then does bugger all. And the longer it goes on, the less I respect and love him.

I don't know if my situation is comparable with yours and every relationship is different, so my solution is not going to be the same as yours, necessarily.

But I do think there comes a time when you have to stop tolerating it.

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