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Emotional Affair and a bit more

(31 Posts)
BookAnt Mon 07-Jul-14 18:04:41

Hi there,

I discovered last week, after almost a decade together, that my husband had been 'speaking' to another woman. It's been going on since the start of the year. They have exchanged 'wank' videos and were constantly talking to each other, through email, txt and skype. I am really upset by all of this, it has come out of the blue (I'm sure that's what everyone says)

I know that they have not had any physical contact as she lives in another part of the country, although I'm not sure what would have happened were that not the case.

When confronted about it all, he apologised and let me ask all sorts of questions about the how, where and why. He says it all got out of hand, she had started out as his friend and things had just happened - he was able to talk to her (he pointed out we don't really talk any more, which is true, but he was not trying to pin the affair on that point). He loves her, but when asked to choose between her and me, he chose me. I asked him to delete all forms of contact with her and never to have any contact with her ever again, which he readily agreed to - part of me worried that this was because we have children, but he assures em that he loves me and that this was, of course, a mistake....

I would like to move past this and eventually forgive him, I realise that this is all new to me, so I am feeling raw, but I am stuck.

I love him, and I want all this to go away, so we can go back to normal, but a large part of me hates him for the lying, sneaking around and for loving someone else. There were times when I could see that he was messaging someone, but he made out like it was nothing, there were txts late at night and early in the morning.

I was hoping that someone would be able to give me advice on what to do next? If I Want to forgive him and move past this all, what's my best plan?

I know I may sound naive or stupid to some people, I hope that is not the case.

Many thanks for reading

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 07-Jul-14 18:07:37

Whats a wank video? It sounds sexual, therefore I would say it was way more than an emotional affair.

So he 'choose' you? How kind of him. Perhaps that's because it's the 'safe' option. I don't mean to sounds harsh to you, that is not my intention, but he sounds like a regular cheating scumbag.

Sorry you are going through this thanks

BookAnt Mon 07-Jul-14 18:09:45

Thanks for the reply,

Sorry - a wank video, was a video of him having a wank, which he sent to her and to which she replied with a video of herself masturbating.

I was worried that I was the safe option, I think that's what is making me question my ability to get over this.


puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 07-Jul-14 18:12:42

Ewww. You have to ask yourself if you will be able to forgive him and move past it. If not, then it's over. I am by no means suggesting you forgive him btw, but it is your decision to make. Does he have prior form for cheating?

Are there any children involved?

PlayitcoolTrig Mon 07-Jul-14 18:12:47

It's not just an EA, it's a sexual affair.

sad sorry op but I think you've been too lenient. He's chosen you??? Fuck that. You should be making it clear YOU are choosing to give him another chance (or not as the case might be). I don't think I'd get past that to be honest.

Sorry he's been such a twunt to you.

AnyFucker Mon 07-Jul-14 18:14:05

if this has been going on for months, it is likely they have physically met, it would be easy enough to lie about a day's annual leave here and there

the "I love her" comment from him points more to it

and call me naive, but I don't think there are that many women who would send "wank videos" to married men they have never met

I am sorry, I know you want to believe him but it is part of the Cheater's Script that they minimise and tell you the absolute minimum that they think they can get away with

I wouldn't be letting this go and "trying to get past it", I would be digging for the truth and not resting until I got it

you have no chance of saving your relationship if he cannot even give you the respect accorded by finally being truthful

PlayitcoolTrig Mon 07-Jul-14 18:15:49

I agree. This seems like a classic case of minimalising. Did he tell you about the wank video or did you find it?

BookAnt Mon 07-Jul-14 18:17:54

Yeah, I knew that it was more than an emotional affair, but wasn't sure what to call it.

He's never ever done anything like this at all. I trusted him completely

I'm wondering whether we need a bit of time apart, but at the same time I would feel terrible if anyone found out. We have two DC

I may have worded the 'chose me' part wrongly. I felt like he was saying that he didn't have any plans to run off with her, didn't really want her. I don't know really, my head is a bit mush

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 07-Jul-14 18:21:20

He said he loved her. That to me would be a deal breaker. Now it sounds like you are defending him.

If he didn't really want her that's even worse, he threw away your relationship for nothing!

BookAnt Mon 07-Jul-14 18:21:45

I should have said (don't want to seem like I am dripfeeding) that they worked together over a year ago, she moved hundreds of miles away with her partner. Husband has not had any days off, other than the ones he has spent with us. I am fairly certain he is telling the truth with this one - maybe onlythis one.

He didn't say he loved her, I have come to that conclusion myself.

I found the wank video - I was sick of the constant messaging and was actually hoping to understand their 'friendship' better by seeing what they were talking about.

I feel like an absolute fucking idiot. sad

LaceyLitch Mon 07-Jul-14 18:22:20

If this was posted a few years ago I would have sworn the OW was me. When I was 19 I had an emotional (and a bit more) affair with a married man who had kids just a few years younger than me. We quickly developed a relationship talking on the phone and texting all the time. We never met (lived on opposite ends of the country) but skyped and sex chatted often

His wife found out when she went through his phone, he moved out and wanted me to come live with him. I said I wasn't really up for that, we both moved on, he got back with his missus and as far as I know they are still together, more for a marriage of convenience and familiarity as far as I can see, but I am sure he says/does all the right things to keep her now.

Do you know the OW? Is she younger than him? I reckon for my affair that was a big part of it, being fancied by a younger woman, especially after experiencing a dwindling sex life and affection/romance with his wife.

AnyFucker Mon 07-Jul-14 18:23:46

Listen to what he is really saying, OP

He "loved" her but then he discarded her

often, it's not just the way these cheaters treat their partners that gives a window into their selfishness and narcissism, it's how they treat the OW

would you have chosen a man capable of treating any woman so shabbily, OP ?

LaceyLitch Mon 07-Jul-14 18:25:10

Sorry x-post. Don't assume he loved her if he didn't say it. It may just have been sexual, if that makes any difference.

BookAnt Mon 07-Jul-14 18:27:31

I may be defending him, force of habit I guess.

The OW is 2 years younger than husband. Our sex life has always been good - in my opinion - we try new things, do it regularly, enjoy ourselves... I thought it was all good. In our day to day life, he has a demanding job and by the time he is home in the evening, we pretty much have dinner and shove something on the telly - not setting aside time for us as a couple I suppose.

We have tried to be more active as a family - going out for walks and swimming etc. So, I assumed everything was good.

AnyFucker Mon 07-Jul-14 18:31:10

Everything was good, love. Do not accept any blame at all for this. Many people caught out by this, when looking back in regret actually accept what they had was perfectly good and that it was them that was the problem

until (if ever) your H accepts that, you are hitched to a loser

I think you should be prepared for the fact thet he is merely waiting for the dust to settle before he rekindles contact too

had you considered forcing the issue and making sure her own partner knows the score ?

LaceyLitch Mon 07-Jul-14 18:33:48

Sorry I didn't mean that to come across as he strayed because you're not entertaining him sufficiently, I was just trying to explain what his logic may be.

I know you want things to go back to normal but how can you ever trust him or take him seriously again? He betrayed you, sometimes right under your nose! (when he was texting in the room). He risked your marriage and life together for what? A cyber shag? A bit of fun? If you hadn't found out how far would it have gone? Don't you deserve better?

BookAnt Mon 07-Jul-14 18:37:08

Thanks for the advice Anyfucker smile

I have actually sent him a message on facebook, as this is the only place I could find him. I felt horrible doing it, but at the same time, I realise how angry and stupid it has all made me feel being in the dark about it all. I also want to send her a message but would end up sounding like a petty desperate housewife no doubt, so I chickened out of that one.

I don't think my husband is trying to put the blame on me, our family or his job etc. in any way, that is how I understand it anyway. He seems to be taking full responsibility for it all.

I am thinking that I will get away for a few days, leave him to entertain the kids and have some time to myself.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 07-Jul-14 18:37:21

Something to consider. Just because they may not have had actual physical sex (and even that is up for debate), it's mainly because they are in different locations. What do you think would have happened if she was still working locally? Is it possible that this was going on before she moved away??

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 07-Jul-14 18:38:40

Don't message her. This is about him and his betrayal, not her.

BookAnt Mon 07-Jul-14 18:40:35

I don't want to seem like I am ignoring anyone, but I have to make dinner for the DC. Hopefully back on later.

Many thanks everyone for taking the time to reply to me, it is greatly appreciated.

dollius Mon 07-Jul-14 18:43:02

He could easily have taken a day off work without you knowing. You could find this out by calling his/department's secretary and pretending you are planning a "surprise" trip and need to know how many days leave he has taken so far this year.

LaceyLitch Mon 07-Jul-14 18:47:43

OW contacted me when she found out. She sent a long text saying hope I am happy, they're kids are devastated, he's a loser and I am welcome to him, called me a slut etc.

I wasn't really bothered and didn't reply. I was stupid teenager who didn't realise the gravity of the situation or how many lives I was wrecking. I suspect if she is callous/uncaring enough to have not just one but two affairs (cheating with someone who is cheating) then she won't care.

It just made me think she was a bit mad. I think a dignified silence is best in this situation.

LaceyLitch Mon 07-Jul-14 18:51:20

Everyone seems obsessed with 'did he really meet her?' does it matter?

They not only had an emotional affair but sent vids and if they were skyping then it's likely then did it live too - and dirty phone calls. I don't see why any of that is any less serious than actual contact. Its not watching porn or calling a sex line who is paid to talk to you. Its a real person who you have a relationship with and hope that one day you will be doing it all for real.

RollerCola Mon 07-Jul-14 18:51:49

My exh did this. The first time I caught him out was 11yrs ago, he said all the same things yours has. I was terrified of breaking up our family so I tried to forget about it and pretend it didn't happen.

Then I caught him doing it again about 5 years ago with a different woman. I asked him to leave this time, but let him back a week later.

A year ago he was doing it again. We split up. I couldn't get over it and I will never ever get back with him as I FINALLY realised that he could never be trusted and clearly didn't give a shit about me.

Don't let your suffering go on as long as I did. It nearly broke me into little pieces. I should have had more self-respect and left him a long time ago.

Shedwood Mon 07-Jul-14 19:00:37

Make sure that you get copies of his wank videos (& hers). Put them on a couple of memory sticks and hide them separately, somewhere safe.

As distasteful as that sounds if you or he decides to end your marriage things could get nasty, believe me very few divorces are amicable.

In that scenario I would not be above saying "this divorce goes through swiftly and fairly or these videos will get sent to everyone you and she have ever met" and mean it.

You and he may be able to work through this, but marriages tend to be built on trust, and once those foundations are broken cracks start appearing everywhere.

Take care of yourself, but be smart and gather all evidence of the affair whilst it still exists, I'm afraid one day you may need it.

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