Not sure what is happening.... (Very very long)

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

I have name changed for this but have posted about my DH before.
I have recently found my DH has been lying to me about seemingly little things of no real consequence, such as going and taking part in his hobby in the day when I am out but saying he had been doing something else. I would definately not have had a problem with this so I am at a loss as to why he felt the need to lie.
When I found this out I couldn't understand why he would need to lie and felt that the trust I had in him had been affected. I felt that if he was lying about things that small what else was he lying about?
But as we have DC and have been together for 24 years I decided that although I was hurt and things had been shaken and he seemed genuinely remorseful it wasn't worth ending the marriage for but I said that if he lied to me again then that would be it between us, no ifs or buts. He agreed with that and promised he would never lie again, he loved me, he wanted to be with me etc.
That was 8 weeks ago.
This week I found he had lied again. This time about bloody texts he said he hadn't sent but he had.
We were already arguing because he wants to go away on a week away with his friends to do his hobby, I have no problem with that if we had the money for it (approx £500). Although I could see no way we would ever have that much spare money we agreed that he would go if we had the money. He came home from work and said that his friends really wanted him to go so they had paid for his ticket (£200) a few months ago without him knowing and had just told him. I found this hard to believe because these men also have families and know our financial situation (4 DC's 1 wage so things are very tight here).
So now there is a debt of £200 with the assumtion he would pay them back and be able to pay the rest for the trip. I do not believe that this is what actually happened I think that this is being presented to me as a fait accompli and therefore meant he had to go.
So I asked DH for his phone so I could have his mates numbers so I could ask them if they had actually got these tickets as a surprise for DH. I saw that he had texted his friends since we had argued about the tickets so I went into his messages (I know this wasn't the ideal thing to do but he was sat with me so knew what I was doing) to see what he had said to them, I was thinking he may have told them what he had told me and asked them to go along with it.
But the texts were deleated.
He denied he had sent any texts even though the call log showed he had sent them.
When I asked why he kept lying he said he did it because it was easier that way because of what my reaction would be.
He has spent the last two nights at his friends house at my request.
We have spoken since and he has said that he feels constantly like he is being assesed and that he feels he can't relax around me. We have been together for 24yrs (since we were 16) and he has never said he feels like this before.
I asked why he lied to me again after I said that it would be the end of us and he said he didn't know why he did.

So the long and short of it is what the hell do I do now?
I am all over the place.
One minute I am thinking that I must be an absolute bitch to make him feel like that and the next I think he is an arse for treating me/our marriage like that.
I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again but we have children and they don't deserve to 'lose' their Dad.
Really sorry for the mamouth post, I wanted to get everything in and not drip feed.

[Twitterqueen]

To me it sounds like either a classic 'other woman' scenario OR he's flexing his muscles a bit. I wonder if he's feeling a bit confined - you come across as being rather controlling... and this behaviour might just be a way of rebelling.

So he's telling lies as a form of assertiveness to prove that he can, not necessarily because there's anything more sinister.

But clearly he's lying about the £200 from his friends. Obviously he paid this and is now committed and needs the remaining £300.

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

Thank you for your reply, I wouldn't have said I was controlling but perhaps I am without realising it? Over the years I have definately been 'in charge' at home, sorting DC's, doing the housework etc.
He is the one with the job, I went from being a SAHM (with a couple of little jobs to fit in around the DC's over the years) to going to uni fulltime. I would never say boo to a goose so even I was surprised when I snapped and said I was going to check with his friend about the £200.
I never did check as then we got onto the text messages.

[AnyFucker]

Never make threats you are in no position nor have any intention to follow through

It simply undermines you further and now you are stuck

You know there is more to this

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

AnyFucker, you are right I am now stuck and have no idea what on earth to do.
He has said he would never lie at work or to his friends so I don't understand why he lies to me. Especially when there was so much at stake.

[Jan45]

How someone can deduce you're controlling from one post is beyond me, you should mistrustful yes and no wonder.

I would think exactly the same as you, he's a liar and these are just the lies you are catching him out with, of course that will plant the seed of doubt when it comes to trust, the fact he says he only lies to you is another slap in the face.

Sorry but I would think if I can't trust what you tell me, what's the point.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I have to agree that once the trust is gone, it's an uphill battle to keep the relationship going.

[Quitelikely]

Hi

If its only two instances where he has lied it seems a little harsh to give up 24 years IMO.

I have to say we were in a similar situation with a boys trip and lack of funds to do it but I let my dh go. I did so because he works hard being the sole earner and I felt he deserved something. You said to him he could go, knowing full well you couldn't afford it so he sort of made a plan that meant he could afford it. I know his money is family money but on one rare occasion did he not merit the chance to go away. IMO you have to have something to look forward to once in a while.

He lied I think because you would have said no to borrowing the cash and he really wanted to go.

Hope yous manage to sort through it

[BeCool]

How does the OP know her H only lied on 2 instances though?

Because she trusts him ...........

[CanaryYellow]

I said that if he lied to me again then that would be it between us, no ifs or buts.

You say you've posted about your DH before.

You issued the above threat/ultimatum.

You say you don't feel you will ever be able to trust him again.

Surely it's game over, isn't it?

[Jan45]

I reckon this is his character, he's probably always lied but maybe lately it has got worse, you won't change him, people don't change at our command ever.

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

Quitelikely, we literally do not have the money for the trip. I have no idea how he plans to pay for it. If we had the money I would not have any problem with him going.
He went last year and we managed to scrape the money for it (by the family doing without).
I didn't feel I should 'ban' him from the trip but (perhaps stupidly) said that of course he could go if we had the money, I was trying to avoid a conflict I guess.
He goes on weekends away with his friends a couple of times a year so he does go out and about.


I feel that he has lied to me on more than the two occasions though and I do not think I can face a lifetime of always wondering if he is telling the truth or not.
But I also do not want to be responsible for my children not having their Dad with them.

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

Jan45 I fear you are right.

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

CanaryYellow do you think that there is a way of regaining trust in someone?

[CanaryYellow]

Not without them proving themselves to be worthy of trust, no.



And your DH clearly has no intention of doing that. Has he now given you a full explanation of the holiday booking and where the money came from? You asked him why he lied, knowing that it would likely be the end of your relationship and he said he "didn't know". It's all just so wishy washy on his part. He's not actually that arsed, is he?

[GinAndToast]

Why don't you work too? If money if that tight that one parent who is working outside the home cannot afford to do a hobby he loves, why is that?

Tbh, I am making the assumption your children aren't tiny weeny pre school based on the length of your relationship. Plus I do think you come across as controlling, sorry.

If the genders of this post were reversed, it reads very differently. If my DH demanded my phone to look through, I'd be awfully hurt and upset.

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

GinandToast I do not work because I am at uni updating my skills so that in the future I would be able to earn a decent wage (this was actually DH's idea). I do have a seasonal job though when I am not at uni but that is only over the summer. As I posted before I have never really had a 'proper job' as, we wanted me to be at home with our children while they were little (youngest is still at primary).
I didn't demand my DH's phone, I said that I was having trouble believing what he was saying as I didn't see why his friend would book him expensive tickets knowing our financial position. I wanted to ask his friend if he had indeed bought the tickets so my DH GAVE me his phone to use.
My DH can do the hobby he loves, and he does do it a couple of times a week. It's just doing it for a week abroad we can't afford.
I don't see how I am controlling?

[Jan45]

Gin: yes but your DH doesn't and hasn't been lying to you consistently for years and years, the OP to me sounds worn down by his stupid little lies, it's hard living with that and not being able to do anything about it other than suck it up.

I agree also that he literally can't be arsed.

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

Jan45 and they are stupid little lies, I do wonder though if there are more lies about bigger things and that is very hard.
At the moment I feel that I could ask him if there was any milk left in the fridge and he would lie to me.
As a PP said I do feel trapped, I litterally do not know what to do. I feel that whatever I do I won't do the 'right' thing.

canaryYellow all he says about the booking is that his friend was being nice and wanted it to be a surprise for him and it is what all friends would do. If I had friends who would book tickets for me I would expect that they would speak to me first about it? But perhaps I am wrong about that and people would do that for their friends?

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

Sorry. Just read my reply to gin and it should read, youngest about to start primary!