Guilt when relationship ends?

[buttonortwo]

Ended 3 year 'relationship'. Met p online, we have never lived together, both been married before and met him during my divorce. I didn't want anything serious at the time. Unplanned pregnancy and misscarriage, 1 instance of violence and verbal abuse and felt controlled. Felt constantly under pressure for him to move in. I'm financially ok, own house and have decent job. He isn't. I don't feel supported with my ds and feel it has to be kept separate, not sustainable. I've ended it many times. Just ended it again as I'm not getting what I need and he is very needy. I feel guilty but strangely not bothered? Just a bit lost. Is this going to hit me at some point?! He told me 'he knows what he needs to do' implying sleeping with someone to get over me, that did hurt. Just would like your thoughts? Where do I go from here?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think, if you've tried to get out of this a few times previously, it's not likely to 'hit' you very much at all because you've taken the initiative. It's clear that he is abusive and manipulative so, to fully cement things and to eliminate any misplaced ideas of guilt, I would strongly recommend that you go a strict no contact now.

You have no links to him - no children, no finances, no nothing - and therefore no reason whatsoever to be in touch. I would take advantage of that and go all out now to fill your days and nights with people and activities that make you happy and keep you occupied long enough to get past any temporary feelings of disorientation.

Stay strong.

[buttonortwo]

Thank you Cognito. I really do feel I have stuck by him but I'm worth more. He has got himself in a financial mess, his ex wife stopped contact with his son. The sex although at first was exciting could be better. I don't feel he has a lot to offer. Does that sound bad? Problem being he has never given up or left me alone so in my weak moments I go back. I want to meet someone who challenges me, intellectually, emotionally. I'd love another child but am 'getting on' .. I hope I get the strength to get past this...

[Jan45]

OP, he's not matching your standards, nothing to feel guilty about, he's never going to give you what you want and don't keep going round in circles, it's really not good for your wellbeing or self esteem. Put a big effort into getting on with life without him, give yourself that at least and see how you get on.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I don't feel he has a lot to offer. Does that sound bad? "

Not at all. It's a relationship you're ending, not a court case, and all the rationale you need is 'it's not working for me'. Sounds like you've wasted quite a lot of time trying to make yourself believe you can tolerate his short-comings - possibly because you want another child and think he's better than nothing, I don't know - but there's no good reason to waste any more.

[Miggsie]

It is not your "job" to make him happy or give him what he wants - he has done neither of these things for you. A lot of abusive men are like tomcats - they always come and sniff round the same back porch. It isn't flattering, it's just easier for him to try to get you back than try to dupe another woman into moving in with him!

Because he is manipulative you will be best to go no contact so you can concentrate on finding a decent bloke who would be a good dad. This man is neither of these things!