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So my miserable STBXH is now my good mate - Wtf?

(128 Posts)
Handywoman Wed 02-Jul-14 21:46:58

He was miserable and angry, bit of a crap dad, quite controlling (am still realising this) and I feel he never actually loved me. So I finally kick the f*cker out and he leaves, nothing to say, no closure...

So now he behaves like a good mate, all cheery, considerate, commenting on the small stuff like a frien, like he um likes me. I have a lot of hurt, not least the way he responded (ie not) to bring kicked out. I want to poke him in the eye (well worse than that).

WTF is that about? Friends? Is making me mad with rage! How can he be like this?



myroomisatip Wed 02-Jul-14 21:51:33

He sounds very manipulative and emotionally abusive.

You kicked him out! End of!

There was no closure, nothing said, because he does not believe you meant it and he thinks he can, by being nice, worm his way back in.

Stay strong, for a long as you can, so you can realise that you can live without him, happily!

UncrushedParsley Wed 02-Jul-14 21:51:36

Maybe you are feeling rage because if he'd been like this before, you wouldn't have needed to kick him out, and the relationship would be fine? But what's in it for him? I don't know...guilt maybe?

mineofuselessinformation Wed 02-Jul-14 21:52:06

I would diagnose that he is someone who is very scared that you are going to be able to take him to the cleaners... Or he has had a personality transplant! smile

areyoumymother Wed 02-Jul-14 21:52:06

I don't know why but someone's bound to have some good ideas. Sounds freaky and, yes, enraging.

Handywoman Wed 02-Jul-14 21:55:57

We are a year on, finances separated, mortgage sorted, just waiting for 2yrs til divorce (what he wanted, I wanted to divorce his arse for unreasonable behaviour). So there is nothing to gain from being nice.

It's totally freakish.

Handywoman Wed 02-Jul-14 21:58:01

I don't even truly believe he wants to get back together either, he is in the process of buying a flat and has new wardrobe/stupid earing/mid- life crisis moustache.

I totally don't geddit.

AnyFucker Wed 02-Jul-14 21:59:03

it's all part of the Head Fuck

ignore it

Foolishlady Wed 02-Jul-14 22:01:23

Maybe you were just not good together, so was miserable, but can get along when you're not forced to be together? Have seen it happen with other ex couples. Can you co-parent sort of successfully (for the most part?) If so maybe just go with it, if you can...

AnyFucker Wed 02-Jul-14 22:02:51

she doesn't want to get on with him though

this is him continuing the very unwelcome head fuckery

I wouldn't want to be "friends" with someone who felt entitled to treat me like this bloke has treated her

AnyFucker Wed 02-Jul-14 22:04:10

it's all a display "see how great I am now I am not with you"

"this is what you could have had (except I couldn't be arsed to keep up the pretence when we actually together...hahahaha"

etc and ad infinitum < yawn >

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jul-14 22:05:13

As DM would say... 'you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar'. It's still an attempt to control and manipulate you. You said his lack of reaction to being kicked out annoys you so he'll be thoroughly enjoying your discomfort. Bullies do not give up on their victims just because of a few pesky court papers.

All you can do is give him as few opportunities to be in contact as humanly possible. If there have been phone-calls or visits, bring them to an end. If you have children, keep comms to a bare minimum. He can't do any of this if he can't access you

xpatmama Wed 02-Jul-14 22:07:18

I get a variety of this from my ex. I've always thought it was about him trying to portray himself as a good bloke - i.e. that he can't have been all that bad if we were still friends, modern amicable break up etc (rather than me getting out of an awful relnship)...

Handywoman Wed 02-Jul-14 22:07:47

Yeah I am emphatically not nor will ever be his 'friend'. We weren't 'not good together' he was a controlling abusive arsehole who gave me zero support bringing up kids/running a house, working, family life, you name it. Yet outwardly and in public was the cheery, loving, hands on family man.

I guess he would have it that we are merely 'better apart' but that belies a whole heap of pain he put me through, pain which I told home about, about which he could never apologise or stop inflicting.

Fuck that for a 'friendship'. I would gladly never see him again, but we have primary-school aged kids.

Foolishlady Wed 02-Jul-14 22:08:57

Well obviously she doesn't currently want to be friends! But surely if they have children civility is better for them than the alternative?

Foolishlady Wed 02-Jul-14 22:10:10

Sorry cross post

Handywoman Wed 02-Jul-14 22:11:23

We do doorstep handovers. Keep things strictly email/text. Re kids only. I offer him no information on my life. But the handovers give him ample opportunity to be all smiley and friend-like. I actually want to rip his face off. But have to keep it 'civil' for the kids. Except keeping it 'civil' plays right into his image that things are AOK.

Foolishlady Wed 02-Jul-14 22:11:43

Advise keeping contact to the essential minimum then as advised by others!

AnyFucker Wed 02-Jul-14 22:20:40

It is possible to be perfectly civil withoput compromising one's principles and pretendign to be "fiends2 with a prick like this

I would rather chew my own arm off

AnyFucker Wed 02-Jul-14 22:21:00

God, my typing this evening ! You get the gist smile

AnyFucker Wed 02-Jul-14 22:22:29

Yup, being "better apart" minimises his abuse of you and appeases the mysogynist part of him that still thinks he is a Nice Guy

he isn't a Nice Guy at all

AnyFucker Wed 02-Jul-14 22:24:04

and tbh, minimising this stuff is what contributes to keeping women in awful relationships longer than they ought to be

the judgment they can sometimes get for "not keeping the family together" and "being that uppity bitch who can't be friendly to that poor bloke who can't do right for doing wrong"

God, it grinds my gears this shit

Handywoman Wed 02-Jul-14 22:26:08

Totally get the gist. smile I am civil but certainly not 'matey' with him but it's the one-way street of friendship coming at me which just feels like rubbing my nose in it. I could barely look at him during handovers when we first split. Because he represented something awful in my eyes. I thought being able to be civil was progress. But it's eating me up. I think because it's a continuation of being put 'in my place' by him.

Handywoman Wed 02-Jul-14 22:27:45

None of my friends / family get it. Makes me feel 'messed up' tbh.

AnyFucker Wed 02-Jul-14 22:30:52

You are not the messed up one, love

You are the sane one.

In your place, I would still find a subtle way to ensure he was clear that I had zero respect for him

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