Friend keeps making out that I'm not good enough

[primarkprincess]

Sorry for title, I couldn't think of how else to word it...

Basically someone that is supposed to be a close friend always seems to look down on me a bit, as if I'm a bit simple, or as if I'm not as good as other people.

For example, whenever I've done something such as colour my hair, or worn something new, she'll make a big loud thing of it "wooo, look at YOU", but with a big smirk on her face as if she is thinking "oh bless her, she tries". She also makes a lot of backhanded compliments towards me and little digs, as if I'm not as pretty/good/clever as others. A group of us went out for a meal about 2 weeks ago. Friend was a bit late, and when she arrived she went on and on about what I was wearing and even tried to get me to stand up at the table in front of 4 others to 'show' her what I was wearing. She then made a couple of jokes at my expense during the evening and when I'd finished eating she kept going on and on about how I should eat more of my meal, even though it was massive and I was full! I found it embarrassing and felt very uncomfortable!

She can never ever give me a compliment or say anything nice about me at all; she will only say something if it is either a backhanded compliment or a criticism, for example pointing out that my mascara has run, or that I have lipstick on my teeth or where my hairdresser has dyed my scalp a tiny bit. She is always very gushy about others, saying how pretty/amazing/what a nice figure they have, yet can never say anything nice about or to me. She always goes on and on about others' great figures and outfits, and then always tries to get me to agree.

It is difficult as I met her through my DD, and our DDs are friends, so obviously I don't want to fall out. I dread bumping into her on the school run though as she'll either pick fault with me or be all patronising and "Oooh what get up have you got on today then?".

Any tips on dealing with her?

[primarkprincess]

I meant to say too that I have just been on holiday abroad and she has not once wished me a happy holiday or said anything since I've been back, she has just carried on as normal when she's seen me. Yet she goes on and on about a mutual friend who has just been on holiday and says "oooh have you seen her holiday photos?" as if my holiday was a load of crap and of no interest to her.

[Smilesandpiles]

Get rid.

Friends help your self esteem, not chip away at it.

[BluebellsandWhistles]

Distance yourself. Sounds like she is jealous.

I don't know how you can call her a friend. She clearly isn't.

[BluebellsandWhistles]

Distance yourself. Sounds like she is jealous.

I don't know how you can call her a friend. She clearly isn't.

[primarkprincess]

It's difficult Smiles as we have quite a few mutual friends, so even though I can avoid one-on-one meets, I'll still have to put up with her comments if we go out as a group.

[Smilesandpiles]

Talk to her if you have to, keep non commital, don't tell her anything, always turn it onto her and ask what she's doing. Distance yourself as much as you can over a period of time.

[Twinklestein]

She sounds like my mum. Some women are just like that, I'd leave her to it.

Distance yourself, you're under no obligation to be friends simply because your children are. Cultivate people who are nicer to be around.

[primarkprincess]

I have to admit it does cross my mind that she's probably jealous and trying to make me feel bad about myself because she feels bad about herself

[Guiltypleasures001]

There is a mumsnet come back for this and it goes as thus

Did you mean to be so rude?

You can either grow a thicker skin op, or pick up on this shit everytime it happens, she does it because she knows it hurts you, I bet she wouldn't dare say it to anyone else.

Better still do it back to her, next time up the school gush over her and ooh and ahh really over the top, she will soon stop it.

[Dirtybadger]

She sounds like a cunt. Friends make us feel good not bad about ourselves. Get rid! The good news is everyone else probably thinks she's horrible too. I'm surprised no one has had a word. I wouldn't be thinking much if I saw a friend treating someone like that...

[Sleepyhoglet]

She's jealous

[Phalenopsis]

You do realise that her put downs are actually backhanded compliments because she is the one who feels insecure about you? That is not to excuse her behaviour in any way but it might help you remember this when she makes a sarcastic/pointed comment and you start to feel low.

What to say to her? Only talk about your daughters. When she mentions you specifically give non-committal answers and only the vaguest of details. Don't give her anything to work with. If she insults you e.g. lipstick teeth, be obviously sarcastic, "oh thank you for pointing that out to me". She'll soon get the message to shut up.

[Quitelikely]

Hmmm you need to think of some one liners to throw back at her when she's being a Pratt!

Can't think of any. I'm sure some peeps on here will be able to though!

[primarkprincess]

Sometimes I'll just be talking about something ordinary and she'll throw her head back, laugh and say "Oh you DO make me laugh"

[LoisPuddingLane]

She does sound like a cunt. I've known people like this and they aren't true friends.

[primarkprincess]

Everyone else seems to think she's absolutely lovely, and to be fair she is...to them. I seem to be the only she picks at

[mumtosome61]

Yup, don't take her bait. The sooner she gets the drift that you're wise to her game of trying to exert her superiority upon you, the sooner she'll either stop it or find some other victim.

Some people, sadly, get their esteem kicks out of belitting other people to feel better about themselves. It's hard when there are mutual friends involved, but remember - you don't have to tolerate someone being a shit to you. Fact may be that all your other friends are wise to the way she treats you too, and are just looking for an opportunity to take her down a peg or two but are refraining for the same reasons you are.

The people I have encountered like that are underneath, sad and lack self esteem whilst promoting or assuring everyone else they are PERFECT. They're not. They are usually jealous.

[unrealhousewife]

Ignore her when she whoops at you, turn to one of the others and say 'what was I saying? Oh yes...'

Ignore her but maintain contact with the others.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

If you imagine that the other people around you don't see what she's doing to you, you are wrong. I expect everyone else is twitching in case she starts on them, rather than really thinking she's lovely.

Next time she gets up to no good, just tell her to inflict her bitchiness on someone else, as you've lost interest in being on the receiving end of it.

I'd be minded to avoid her altogether and not really care whether she notices or not.

[Nomama]

You could practice the smile and the sugary sweet 'aaaah, bless' every time she does it.

Don't tell her anything about your life, don't ask anything about hers. Just practice the smile, head tilt and sugary sweet response:

Aaah bless
Aaah, she tries
Mmmm, yes!
Really Trooooly? (though that one takes a bit of practice to say in just the right way)

Or a grumpy 'whatever you say, dear'

[Twinklestein]

Well some people think my mum's lovely, and she can be when the wind's in the right direction, but my sister and I see a side to her that others don't.

I've no doubt she picks at other people, but they've probably dropped or distanced themselves too. If you drop her, she'll move on to someone else.

[Twinklestein]

Sorry my second line was with regard to your friend OP ^^

[kaykayblue]

There are two ways to approach this if you can't just cut her from your life completely.

The first is as unreal says above. Just patently ignore her when she says something ridiculous, and don't even try to hide it. This is normally what people do when they don't have the confidence to actively stand up for themselves (that's not an insult, some people are just more assertive than others). You can't just embarrassedly blot out what she's saying - she picks on you - I'm very sorry to say - because she thinks you will just take it. It has to be active stonewalling.

The alternative - and more effective - option, is to be nice and polite, but then call her shit out the moment she does it.

Example

"Ooo well look at YOU!"
"Looking straight back at you"

"Generic insult about your clothing"
"You might want to look in a mirror before criticising others dear"

"Stand up and show everyone what you're wearing!"
"Sod off!"

If she makes a backhanded comment about your appearance just take a step back, look her up and down and then change the topic of conversation as if she never said anything.

I actually find it helpful when people tell me my mascara has run or there's lipstick on my teeth, because it means you can fix it! But combined with the rest of the stuff she just sounds like a bitch. She probably only gushes about other people in front of you to highlight the difference in how she treats you.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

How about "have you always been such a bitchy cunt or did you have to take lessons?"

Best done in front of the others rather one-to-one, so she can't play the innocent victim with them later.