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Relationships

Utterly devastated and i feel so alone and stupid (long)

189 replies

Rewy · 30/06/2014 21:22

I realised at the weekend that my boyfriend is a Narcissist and has been emotionally abusing me for the last 26 months. He is text book Narc, been googling it and he has absolutely classic traits.
I feel so stupid that i didnt see through it before.
Feel like im dying i miss him so much , im infatuated with him,its like he has cast a spell over me. Ive never been so into a man before ( not that ive been with many)
I met him a few months after the breakup of my last long term 22 year relationship (which was also emotionally abusive)My ex was a passive agressive compulsive liar who slept around behind my back and finacially abused me and reduced me to a wreck.
When i first met my boyfriend he was so charming ,so handsome ,so kind and flattering. Always offering to help me out with money or practical things . Boosting my confidence,made me feel like a princess. The sex was amazing very thrilling ,risky and varied . He was the experienced older man with past of many partners.
I thought it was odd when he offered to buy a house with me a few months into the relationship (i refused of course)but he was always pushing or leaning on me to let him move in .He declared his love for me very early on. One day out of the blue(8 weeks in) he text me and said we need to talk. I knew what that meant and called him in a panic .He said he thought that i was only meeting him for sex and he didnt want that he wanted a family and could he meet mine blah blah.So i was pushed into that in fear of losing him.
I was already insecure and untrusting because of my ex and then he dropped that bombshell on me .
All was amazing until i brought a house ,the rows started. It was always my fault he would go into a blind rage shouting and insulting me he was the wronged person etc etc . In fear it would always be me trying to calm him say sorry as i would be convinced it was something i must of done. Then i would always get the silent treatment for days on end no calls texts nothing just ignoring me. Then out the blue i would get a nice text and it would be ok again.
Everything was my fault
I tried harder, tried to be better ,understand him and all the while feeling more insecure. He would look at other women when i was with him (i told him i knew and hated it) he said it was a habit .He continued to do it eventually slipping back to the habit.
Lately sex has always been on his terms (always too tired if i wanted it) but ok if he wanted it.Started calling me a nymph ,said all i wanted was sex . He started saying he couldnt have oral sex with me because he had ulcers at back of his throat (with holding pleasure from me) Would only have sex how he wanted to etc.
Many examples of him withholding sex from me.
One incident after yet another row , we started foreplay and i stopped to remove my necklace so it didnt get in the way.This annoyed him and he shouted at me angrily to hurry the fuck up .The sex was angry and not pleasurable for me.
Everything was my fault ,he was too hot ,too cold. My house wasnt right etc. I couldnt get food right and tea only tasted nice if i made it in his special cup.
Saturday night i wanted to hold his hand and talk about a previous row last weekend (just because we hadnt done so because he ignored me ) He went mad shouting calling me a horrible fucking thing . He was getting madder and threatening to go (as always)with me trying to stop him.I started talking about how he makes me feel ,looking at women and then he said hes always done it and its habit ,nothing wrong with it and always done it .I said i hate him always mentioning his many exes then he said he couldnt help the fact hes had loads of women and gets offers all the time. I mentioned his ex wife (the only one he married) he went mad and said "she wasnt much to look at" (ive seen a picture of her on facebook) It was like a slap in the face .I asked why he had married her then and he said he was pushed into it and he didnt even fancy her when he met her. She was a good cook though and had a nice house and didnt push his buttons like i do. She ended the marrige and he told me (when i met him)that the last few "ogres" had also dumped him .I referred to this during the row and he said he never said that he fucked them off. Said his ex of 8 years was a psycho etc and i said maybe he made like that he must have a personality disorder and needs help .He said yes probably but he then mocked me about the counselling i have and said "what like you ?"
He walked out and i havent heard from him since.
God im sorry to waffle on my heads mashed im writing everything down to remind me how abusive he has been to me .Im so embarrassed and lonely . I dont want it to just be me and the dc (not his)
Ive never been alone and i dont want to be
Despite his treatment of me i still dont want anyone else to have him
I dont know where to start

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/06/2014 21:31

Wow he's horrible isn't he?

Being alone isn't so bad. It's a million times better than being together with an arsehole. What are you afraid of?