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Utterly devastated and i feel so alone and stupid (long)(190 Posts)
I realised at the weekend that my boyfriend is a Narcissist and has been emotionally abusing me for the last 26 months. He is text book Narc, been googling it and he has absolutely classic traits.
I feel so stupid that i didnt see through it before.
Feel like im dying i miss him so much , im infatuated with him,its like he has cast a spell over me. Ive never been so into a man before ( not that ive been with many)
I met him a few months after the breakup of my last long term 22 year relationship (which was also emotionally abusive)My ex was a passive agressive compulsive liar who slept around behind my back and finacially abused me and reduced me to a wreck.
When i first met my boyfriend he was so charming ,so handsome ,so kind and flattering. Always offering to help me out with money or practical things . Boosting my confidence,made me feel like a princess. The sex was amazing very thrilling ,risky and varied . He was the experienced older man with past of many partners.
I thought it was odd when he offered to buy a house with me a few months into the relationship (i refused of course)but he was always pushing or leaning on me to let him move in .He declared his love for me very early on. One day out of the blue(8 weeks in) he text me and said we need to talk. I knew what that meant and called him in a panic .He said he thought that i was only meeting him for sex and he didnt want that he wanted a family and could he meet mine blah blah.So i was pushed into that in fear of losing him.
I was already insecure and untrusting because of my ex and then he dropped that bombshell on me .
All was amazing until i brought a house ,the rows started. It was always my fault he would go into a blind rage shouting and insulting me he was the wronged person etc etc . In fear it would always be me trying to calm him say sorry as i would be convinced it was something i must of done. Then i would always get the silent treatment for days on end no calls texts nothing just ignoring me. Then out the blue i would get a nice text and it would be ok again.
Everything was my fault
I tried harder, tried to be better ,understand him and all the while feeling more insecure. He would look at other women when i was with him (i told him i knew and hated it) he said it was a habit .He continued to do it eventually slipping back to the habit.
Lately sex has always been on his terms (always too tired if i wanted it) but ok if he wanted it.Started calling me a nymph ,said all i wanted was sex . He started saying he couldnt have oral sex with me because he had ulcers at back of his throat (with holding pleasure from me) Would only have sex how he wanted to etc.
Many examples of him withholding sex from me.
One incident after yet another row , we started foreplay and i stopped to remove my necklace so it didnt get in the way.This annoyed him and he shouted at me angrily to hurry the fuck up .The sex was angry and not pleasurable for me.
Everything was my fault ,he was too hot ,too cold. My house wasnt right etc. I couldnt get food right and tea only tasted nice if i made it in his special cup.
Saturday night i wanted to hold his hand and talk about a previous row last weekend (just because we hadnt done so because he ignored me ) He went mad shouting calling me a horrible fucking thing . He was getting madder and threatening to go (as always)with me trying to stop him.I started talking about how he makes me feel ,looking at women and then he said hes always done it and its habit ,nothing wrong with it and always done it .I said i hate him always mentioning his many exes then he said he couldnt help the fact hes had loads of women and gets offers all the time. I mentioned his ex wife (the only one he married) he went mad and said "she wasnt much to look at" (ive seen a picture of her on facebook) It was like a slap in the face .I asked why he had married her then and he said he was pushed into it and he didnt even fancy her when he met her. She was a good cook though and had a nice house and didnt push his buttons like i do. She ended the marrige and he told me (when i met him)that the last few "ogres" had also dumped him .I referred to this during the row and he said he never said that he fucked them off. Said his ex of 8 years was a psycho etc and i said maybe he made like that he must have a personality disorder and needs help .He said yes probably but he then mocked me about the counselling i have and said "what like you ?"
He walked out and i havent heard from him since.
God im sorry to waffle on my heads mashed im writing everything down to remind me how abusive he has been to me .Im so embarrassed and lonely . I dont want it to just be me and the dc (not his)
Ive never been alone and i dont want to be
Despite his treatment of me i still dont want anyone else to have him
I dont know where to start
Wow he's horrible isn't he?
Being alone isn't so bad. It's a million times better than being together with an arsehole. What are you afraid of?
I want to feel desired and wanted and be part of a couple
Will miss the sex and when hes nice hes nice.
I don't know about narcissistic but I'm sorry you came up against such a manipulative shit of a bully. There's really nothing to be embarrassed about. He did the classic thing of pretending to be genuine until you were hooked in and then ramping up the abuse. It's a horrible way to be treated and to be rejected on top just adds insult to injury.
I lost track a little in your story. Is it your house or is he a co-owner?
Its my house ,he rents somewhere .
Sorry everythings jumbled .
You wouldn't be human if you didn't enjoy affection and intimacy. He may be nice from time to time but that really doesn't offset the crap in between. He knows you fear loneliness so that's what he's threatening you with. It's a horrible way to control someone - through fear.
Start by getting some counselling OP.
You came out of an abusive 22 year relationship and pretty much walked straight into another.
He's an arse, but you know that. My ex was similar and they screw with your head. I saw a brilliant psychotherapist and she really helped me. Please extract yourself from this man and do some work on yourself before getting involved with anyone else.
Did you say his DC are still there? In your house? What's his plan for them?
No they are my dc from my ex not his.
He has grown up adult dc that have no contact with him.
OK I read that wrong then. I think you've posted about him before haven't you? He's a miserable bastard and you have to keep him out of your home now. Do you have friends or family that you can call on for support?
Yes I have posted a couple of threads referring to him.
Im scared im not strong enough to resist him though .It sounds pathetic but if he texts me it will be hard to ignore. Im lucky to have a couple of good friends and lovely parents.
He's a pig and you're better off without him. Did your DC see the way he treated you? How was he with them?
Please, get counselling and learn to like yourself and live alone for a while.
Get yourself straight before you ever consider another relationship. You deserve more than this.
My dc would hear him moaning about things and might of heard the odd arguement from upstairs but nothing bad. He didnt have much patience with dc but would try and make the effort with them colouring or out on bikes,park etc.
It is pathetic... not going to pull any punches there I'm afraid... Seriously, he hates you. Every time you let him back into your life you're giving him permission to treat you even worse than last time. Please go stay with your friends or parents, turn off your phone, change your SIM, change the locks.... do whatever it takes to keep him away. I also think personal counselling is overdue.
Watch murdered by my boy friend on BBC I player
You're addicted the person he pretends to be and like any addiction you need to wean yourself off. Go cold turkey type of thing.
Think of your kids and tell him to knob off if he gets in touch. The only way to deal with this is to not see him again.
I can barely see the screen through all the red flags if you asked your lovely friends and parents what th honestly thought of him, what do you think they'd say?
Just to add - you're not stupid. But you would be if you stayed with this abuser. All the time you stauy with him, you're missing the chance of meeting a proper man.
I just dont know what to do with myself?
How do i stop thinking and missing him
im sat crying i cant believe i wont see him again
Feel so stupid
Try to think of a lucky escape. Your story could be mine. I suffered for months but stuck to the NO CONTACT and it was worth it.
Do stuff that feels good. Have a bath, drink some wine (not too much), read your fave book (or try Cold Comfort Farm for a good laugh), listen to positive music-To The Left- Beyonce, basement Jaxx www.youtube.com/watch?v=zO9I61gYlms, Bob Marley- whatever), call your best friend, stroke your cat, watch Father Ted, weed your garden, sweep your stairs, dye your hair, rant on here.
Try this list of things to do: www.newharbingeronline.com/excerpts/cbtWkbkPD/Chapter_4-2_Pleasurable_Activities.pdf
It will get better, it will really get better. Keep on keeping on.
He's an utter scum bag who deserved to die in a ditch being pissed on by a rabid horde of wild dogs after being fuckec by a giant guy called Bubba
Ffs - unless you're a serial killer, you're better off without him.
Get some help, you have worse taste in men than Eva Braun.
You deserve much better. He is an evil turd fuck.
I meant, you have had a lucky escape. You are free. Freedom is hard at first because you can do whatever you want. If you have been with a narc for any length of time, this freedom can feel scary.
He did not fill a void- he created a void.
Thanks for the replies and the song
It just hurts so much
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