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Caught him with another woman

(45 Posts)
RingleaderOfTheTormentors Sat 28-Jun-14 03:07:50

I have been in an on/off relationship with ds(6)'s dad for 6 years (together for 9 years, things went wrong when I got pregnant (planned) and he went off on 14 hour drug/drinking binges.
There is FAR too much history (his lies/gaslighting/EA) to write here, but in March of this year, we got back together. This was IT. An adult, mature relationship where we would talk our problems and feelings through.

He started being funny with me about 6 weeks ago: said he hadn't felt "welcome" at my house (it was DD13's bday and I had a houseful of family and friends - he went straight upstairs to play with ds then left without telling anyone he was going - ds was searching the house and garden for him)

I went to his house unannounced tonight, DS walked in. "D"P walked out to meet us in the hallway and said he was busy. I went upstairs to find that my toiletries were hidden in a bag in the cleaning cupboard (I wanted my sponge bag for DS's swimming lesson tomorrow am)
I cam down to "D"P holding ds in the front room, preventing him from going in the kitchen, saying there was nothing in the kitchen for him.
I opened the door to the back room, and there, under soft lightig, wine and DVDs, was a woman. I said "hello, I don't suppose he's told you about me, has he?" and she dropped her face into her hands. She told me it hadn't been going on long, and "D"P claimed that we'd been over "AGES AGO".
I offered to show her text messages in order to prove our ongoing relationship, but "D"P wrestled my phone out of my hands. I told her we'd been on holiday recently for half term, that we'd booked another family holiday for summer, and that he'd spent last weekend with us at the beach.
He said "I'd do anything to be with my son" - as if he had to tear off my clothes and proclaim his undying love for me to get access (which he had had regularly two overnights a week and the last weekend of every month - BEFORE we got back together)
Now I'm having a conversation with his fucking MOTHER who says she knew about OW as she had put herself in a relationship with him on FB, but knew nothing about ME being back with him.

I felt nothing at the time. Now I'm angry. I'm not hurt, or betrayed, or disappointed. It's par for the course with him.

Caramelle Sat 28-Jun-14 03:25:58

What a creep. I hope you told him off but good!

RingleaderOfTheTormentors Sat 28-Jun-14 03:35:44

There's a script, isn't there?
I think he subscribed.

JapaneseMargaret Sat 28-Jun-14 03:40:44

He shown you what he's like time and time and time and time again.

Yes, it clearly is par for the course.

Why do you keep going back?

FellReturneth Sat 28-Jun-14 03:40:59

You've been 'back together' with him since only March, but he's been acting funny for 6 weeks? So he didn't manage to function in a proper couple for very long at all then, did he?

And despite the fact that you are on speaking terms with his mother, she had no idea that you were back together - this speaks volumes to me - he wasn't involving you in his family life, he was compartmentalising two separate sides of his life, keeping all the people around him apart in order to maintain control. That must have taken some effort and a lot of lying.

You say you've been in an on-off relationship with him for the last six years and in March THIS WAS IT. Finally - except it wasn't, was it? This has just been yet another tiresome cycle in the on-off relationship. It's become perfectly normal for him to do this, because you are always there, always available to be picked up again, like an optional extra that comes with his son.

I don't know what to say really, except that everything you already knew deep down has been confirmed, and perhaps you needed this to show you that it's time to leave him firmly in the past and move on.

JapaneseMargaret Sat 28-Jun-14 03:45:19

You think he's going to change, don't you? Each time, you think he's going to change.

But he doesn't, because he has absolutely zero reason to. You always, always, always take him back, regardless of how shit his behaviour is.

He might change, sometime in the dim and distant future. But not for you. Only for someone who isn't willing to tolerate his bullshit for a single minute.

Sorry. I know how harsh this sounds. But you do have some control here, believe it or not.

RingleaderOfTheTormentors Sat 28-Jun-14 03:52:11

Yes, fell that's absolutely it.

It's been over FOR GOOD so many times before - ending the relationshio never had that finality about it, it always just fizzled out after long bouts of him sulking. If I didn't make the effort to make things right again, they just spiralled and spiralled.

It's over finally now, there is absolutely no going back.

RingleaderOfTheTormentors Sat 28-Jun-14 03:53:28

I need harsh, japanese
I feel shit just now, hearing it, but it's all I fucking need, I know it myself, I just need it to be stamped into my skull

Words fail me. What a discussion disgusting specimen he is. Yet he has zero problems in attracting the ladies I see.... My exh was like this. Constant drama and lies. But the cheating was so humiliating, so soul destroying, so hurtful that I chose to be single with a toddler and another baby on the way. Op please for the sake of your emotional mental and sexual health, let this individual go once and for all. Just by your description of your reaction to the ow I can see that you're so much better than him and better than all of this shit. Detach from him. Avoid him at all costs. Let someone tough be in charge of child contact until you're strong enough to face him and not be tempted. Your future is very bright without him, believe me

-Discussion- soz

RingleaderOfTheTormentors Sat 28-Jun-14 04:59:29

I've been in a long discussion withhis mother. Probably not wise, esp since wine was involved on my part...though I think the hangover is kicking in already.
She has gone from "OMG what!" to "well you can diss him all you want but it's never gonna get him back is it luv"


Oh Lord, grant me the power to asphyxiate imbeciles through the internet.

RingleaderOfTheTormentors Sat 28-Jun-14 05:12:45

Oh, she's got the moral high ground now as she says I sound bitter and twisted.
i was hoping for serene and enlightened.

DaddyBeer Sat 28-Jun-14 05:57:49

I hope this doesn't come across as flippant, but it's a good sign you still have your sense of humour (and a good one at that!)

Walkacrossthesand Sat 28-Jun-14 06:14:13

Doesn't matter what she thinks you 'sound like'. Clearly, although her son has behaved like an utter shit, she is aligning herself beside him and expecting all those he has hurt to forgive and move seamlessly on - otherwise they are 'bitter' etc.

You are allowed to say bad things about him! But maybe don't bother talking to her any more about anything deeper than what DS wants for his birthday. Stay strong - and prepare your script in case ex decides it's time to make a play for you again.

RingleaderOfTheTormentors Sat 28-Jun-14 07:00:44

That won't happen now, walk

He won't ever get the chance, I may sound childish here, but I have no intention of ever seeing him or speaking to him again.

I told her I wasn't "dissing" him, but was describing his actions, repeating his words, and explaining my opinion of him DUE to his actions and words.
Deaf ears.

I'm glad I spoke to her though, he hadn't told the family at all about us being together, they just thought he'd got a new girlfriend - apparently WE haven't been together for years, and it's all just drama with us. And she told me not to play the victim smile

Complaining I've CAUGHT my partner with another woman is playing the fucking victim!

Way to fucking go, MIL! Can we play MIL bingo with those?

He has never told them about all the family holidays we've been on, all the great times we've had together, all the days out as a famiy, all the times when it was really fucking WONDERFUL, just told them loads of lies about me. I do know a lot of the lies he tells about me because he says it to me too, as if I weren't there when these things did/didn't happen!

I'd love to shut her up and tell her all the absolutely TERRIBLE things he's told me about her. I won't though

've been awake all night, and DS has his swimming lesson in 90 mins.

Before anyone says anything, I don't care that they don't know about our good times, it's just because I'm hearing from her that it was all shit anyway, like it's OK to cheat then - it was shit, when he lied, and allowed his eye to roam all the fucking time by the looks of it

Longtalljosie Sat 28-Jun-14 07:05:16

She's his mother. It's easier for her to believe you're talking crap than it is for her to believe she's spawned a cockwomble

RingleaderOfTheTormentors Sat 28-Jun-14 07:09:03

smile cockwomble is FAR too nice for him.

Every time I've been alone with her (not for some years now, it seems one DS was pised from my breast the invitation no longer included me when she wished to see her dgs - she lives a few hours away) she started EVERY conversation with the words "don't tell him I said this, but...."
She knows he's a cunt. That's why she divorced his father, they are apparently alike "but not in a good way"

NickiFury Sat 28-Jun-14 08:10:29

I think you should tell MIL everything about him and what he says about her. She tells you you're bitter and twisted and it's all drama because that's what he tells her about YOU, they have the wrong information about you and that's why she thinks what he has done is ok. Why should you protect him anymore? I spent years being slagged off by my exes family calling me uptight and miserable because none of them really knew what had gone on. I was just the horrible bitch that threw him out and took HIS home (er the MARITAL home).

Anyway we were recently all together at a family gathering for one of my dc (yes I am such a miserable uptight nasty bitch that I regularly facilitate these occasions so dc aren't affected by bad feeling) and ex said something smarmy about being "kicked out of his home and it was a lot to get over but he thinks he has now". WTF? this man cheated on me repeatedly, when I was pregnant, disappeared on the piss for days at a time when I had a new born baby and toddler and throughout marriage and so much more. I lost it I am afraid and told his parents exactly what went on and it felt GREAT! I've spent 6 years biting my tongue and letting him talk shit about me. Why? I don't know, it just felt wrong to tell parents things like that about their son. I was still protecting him and putting him first even over my own well being.

Your ex is ridiculous and will never change, enough is enough. End it forever now, you could not have more of the moral high ground and that's always a good place to be.

RingleaderOfTheTormentors Sat 28-Jun-14 10:06:14

He demanded I go halves on Ds (6)'s school uniform the other day. Its pennies, £7:50 for a sweatshirt, £4 for a pack of 1,000 polo shirts from the supermarket, and £4 per pair of trousers.

He pays nothing toward ds.

Says I get enough Tax Credits, why should he give ME money He has EARNED when I get free cash for sitting on my arse doing nothing(I work 20 hours as a fitness instructor - very physically demanding)

My DS (11) starts at the local academy this year, with bags, coats, shoes, blazers, pe kit, track suit, rugby shirt etc etc it's gonna skint me (DD 13 is there too) Yet he's fucking piffling over a few quid.
Once he collected DS for an overnight stay and I told him it was non-uniform day at school the following day, for £1 to charity. He put his hand out for me to give him the quid.

I'm such a fucking KNOB

BringMeTea Sat 28-Jun-14 10:17:22

Knob no more! Keep hold of your righteous anger and get rid of him as completely as you can OP. You sound great btw. And I agree, tell the MIL anything you feel like imparting. She will still side with him but I imagine deep down she will know you speak the truth.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 28-Jun-14 10:21:06

You aren't a knob by any stretch of the imagination. You've been taken in, partly by your own trusting nature. Trust and hope for the future are not bad attributes. It's just that that trust has been misplaced but now that the scales have fallen from your eyes, it won't happen again if you stand fast. At least not with this particular arsehole anyway.

justiceofthePeas Sat 28-Jun-14 10:23:13

Try the Freedom program online.
He's a nob.

CoffeeTea103 Sat 28-Jun-14 10:39:48

Op you've been back and forth for 9 years! It's time to wake up and see things for what they are. How many of those 9years were you happy? You have a dd13 do you think it's good for her to have this type of relationship as an example. If you don't walk away this time then this is what your life will be like.

Bogeyface Sat 28-Jun-14 11:07:40

Go to the CSA, job done.

hoobypickypicky Sat 28-Jun-14 16:32:45

"D"P wrestled my phone out of my hands."

That's the bit that really jumps out at me. Make him part of not just your past but your son's too. He can't be trusted to act reasonably. He does not get to "wrestle" things from you. In my mind that's an act of aggression - what would he have done had you put up a struggle, so to speak, and hung on to the phone for dear life?

The absence of this feckless father will be of no detriment to your DC and you will recover and be happier for it too.

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