Bit cross, wwyd about this re friend?

[justjuanmorebeer]

Wasn't sure where to put this. Ages ago a friend had a big clear out of clothes and I took it off her hands to give to another friend who works for a home charity. This was a couple of months back and I donated the clothes.

Last weekend I did a carboot and cleared out lots of my own things and a different friend bought some of my things. First friend has seen the other friend wearing the clothes she bought from me but says that they are the clothes that she gave me to donate to charity!
They certainly are not but she claims that they were hers and is now refusing to speak to me.

I have told her they were my own clothes, but she will not believe me and has told all our mutual friends that I have supposedly done this.

What would you do here? I hate the fact that I have been accused of this but can't seem to convince her that I have not lied.

[hellsbellsmelons]

But surely she knows her own clothes.
Why does she think they are hers?
Could you have got them mixed up?
Why didn't she take her clothes to the charity place herself?
This is all a bit weird.
Do you both have very similar tastes, styles, sizes in clothes?

[Nomama]

Tell her to stop. Tell her and your mutual friends, preferably together, that you don't know how it has happened but here has been a misunderstanding... over a few clothes, no big deal, but friend is all upset.

Then consistently say, 'that is not what happened' whenever she or anyone else brings it up.

You can't make it all go away but you can bring it into the open so that no-one has to talk behind anyone elses back.

[justjuanmorebeer]

Same size yep. One item was the same you see as we both owned it, a particular high st dress.

Not really sure if they could have been mixed up as I know my own clothes too although I did also have quite a few that my sister gave me to sell as well.

[justjuanmorebeer]

Yes it is the talking behind my back that I don't like

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well then I think you need to meet somewhere for a coffee and talk this through.
Explain it as you have here and see what she says.
Even if she doesn't believe you, can you both come to an agreement to put it all behind you?
How much did you take at the sale?

[Quitelikely]

Can't you just say that you did donate the majority to charity (get her to do her own donating in future) and you accept you may well have made a mistake? Ask if yous can move on from it. Maybe offer her the money you got from said dress

[justjuanmorebeer]

Made quite a bit of money overall but barely any on clothes as didnt sell many. Less than a tenner total probably.

Will ask her for a coffee to chat, if she will talk to me. This is so stupid, we are all grown ups.

[CanaryYellow]

I can see why your friend thinks that you've sold her clothes. You're saying one item definitely was the same and you also don't sound too sure that her stuff definitely wasn't mixed up with what you sold.

[justjuanmorebeer]

ok good point I am not 100% certain as there was stuff that had come from my sis too, however I can't think of how they would have become mixed though as they were in separate bags and also I received both bags weeks apart...

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well then don't worry about it.
Have the coffee. Tell her you know you didn't get the stuff mixed up that it was yours and your sisters stuff.
But for the sake of your friendship you are happy to give her half the money from the sale of clothes and that was 10 so you will give her 5 or is she OK that you get the coffee and cakes as a payment!
Surely she can't be that unreasonable?
And if she is, well then she's not worth having as a friend and you can write her off!

[justjuanmorebeer]

Yes will offer her a few quid and see what she says then. I am really confused about the whole thing.

[justjuanmorebeer]

I am going to try and meet up with her asap. I am going to double check with my sis and family in case they think there was any way anything could have become mixed up. Still a bit annoyed though.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Once you offer her a penny she will see it as you admitting that you sold the clothes she gave you. If you know that you are innocent of this false accusation don't offer her anything but an explanation.

[justjuanmorebeer]

That's true actually. I don't think this is about money anyway she just thinks I have lied. I am feeling really upset about this now. Still not had a reaponse to texts either.

[Nomama]

Yep. The conversation should be about her unfounded accusation having hurt your feelings... not any idea of you compensating her for something you have not done.

If you don't stand up to this one she will always be the one who has been wronged and you may not like the picture she paints of you. Put her in the wrong and leave her there. If she apologises and accepts she made a mistake, tell her you understand that as one of the dresses was the same, she must have been really angry, but that, as it wasn't her dress...

Point out that had she asked rather than accused none of this would be happening to her.

Of course, I am well aware that everything I have said is utterly impossible and you will cave in and apologise and try to make it better for her.... it is easy to type about being strong, but I am not sure I am always capable of following my own advice

[justjuanmorebeer]

To be fair, she has asked, but implied that it is the case, you know?

[Nomama]

It's the telling your friends and not talking to you that makes it an accusation. At least that is how I would feel.

But you might like to type up a different snubby scenario, not to be used, but just to get the angst out

[justjuanmorebeer]

But now I am starting to doubt myself and thinking could this really be my mistake. I know I've been really busy but I would notice something like this I am sure of it. would really help if I could also remember exactly what items the other friend bought then I could figure out if any came from my sister or not. ffs I really dont have the time to waste worrying about this. I have never had a falling out before like this esp with this friend.

[justjuanmorebeer]

Family have said there is no way things could be mixed and they actually have no idea what I am talking about. Maybe I am worrying about this too much.

[Nomama]

So now you know and you can use my scenario with a clear conscience. She has to come up with an answer to how she could possibly think that a good friend like you would do something underhand to her?

Then she has to explain why she is making such a fuss over something so trivial - of course you have to stop doing that too

[justjuanmorebeer]

You're right. I have literally spent hours worrying about this wondering if I am going insane. I guess there may be some way that stuff could have become mixed but I really cannot think how. I am packing to move house and everything is chaos but it would be INCREDIBLY unlike me to not notice something like that. Plus my Mum guarantees that her friend (charity) def collected the clothes when she said and I have double checked that too so I really don't see the margin for error here. Arrrgh.
I am going to try and stop stressing about it until she gets back to me and I want to actually talk to her about it.

[mellicauli]

Can you find a picture of you in the dress to show her?

[justjuanmorebeer]

I can try yes. That particular one I had not worn since before preg 3 years ago though as made my stomach look massive afterwards.

Man, I need to let this go don't I. Just spoke to dp as he helped me hang everything on the rail and asked him if he saw stuff that he didn't recognise. He very unhelpfully said I would have no idea if stuff was yours or anyones as you have far too many clothes. Helpful. Thanks.

[OnlyLovers]

I don't think you're mistaken –you sound sure of yourself ('it would be INCREDIBLY unlike me to not notice something') and you have a guarantee from your mum.

TBH this friend and the other mutual friends sound childish, talking about you behind your back and about something that really isn't a big deal. Are they all taking her at her word; has no one spoken to you to get your side?

It depends on how much you value the friendship(s), but I'd be inclined to send everyone a group email saying something quite brief like 'This accusation is simply NOT true and it's upsetting to think that any of you might think this of me' (or words to that effect) and leave it at that. If people want to believe the worst of you then they're not really friends, IMO.

[justjuanmorebeer]

Not heard from any of other mutual friends.