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DP going to parties with ex

(76 Posts)
ididntaskforthis Thu 26-Jun-14 21:15:39

Been with Dp a year. All going well. He left his w 18mths ago after a bad few years. She was and is still very up and down about it.

He didn't introduce me to lots of his friends for a while as he thought it was rubbing ex's face in it but recently I have started to get to know them. Him and I have been invited to a friend of his birthday soon. His ex will be there too. He's told me he wants to go but doesn't want me to go as he thinks it will be awkward for him, his friends and will inflame things with his ex. I can totally see the logic in this but I feel really hurt by it.

I know it's hard when people get new partners but dp and I are in it for the long haul and at some point she'll have to see us together and there will no doubt be quite a few "mutual friends" events over the years.

He thinks I'm being "unbelievable". I want to be the kind of person who says "sure go, have fun" but I feel hurt that he's wanting me to get to know his friends but then not wanting me to go anywhere his ex will be. I guess I feel left out. I know she will feel hurt too and I hate that (even though i know if it wasn't me it would be someone else.)

Am I being hugely over sensitive?

BerylStreep Thu 26-Jun-14 21:19:58

No, he is being an arse.

Are you sure it is well and truly over between them?


magoria Thu 26-Jun-14 21:20:16

So he is willing to upset you so he doesn't upset his ex.

Does something sound wrong about that to you?

Ask him how long this continues for. Another year, two, three? When is the cut off?

It has to be done sometime. Like ripping off a plaster do it now and quick so the initial pain is done and everyone can start healing and moving on.

His friend must have been aware you would both be there or wouldn't have invited both.

Bigbottomtwirl Thu 26-Jun-14 21:21:24

Are you sure your in it for the long haul? Doesn't sound like his very commited. He should care about your feelings more than hers.

Bowlersarm Thu 26-Jun-14 21:22:42

He is wrong.

He should be putting you, and your feelings, first now.

ididntaskforthis Thu 26-Jun-14 21:27:29

I'm glad others think he is being an arse. I thought so too. He says he's not putting her feelings above mine but doesn't want to inflame anything with her before their divorce is done (she's previously made threats about money which he's worried she will carry out.)

I am with the poster who says it's like pulling off a plaster. I don't exactly LOVE the idea of going to a party with his ex there but I don't see any point in pretending I don't exist.

I also think if he feels so uncomfortable about it the. Neither of us should go.

I am totally sure nothing is going on between them. I think he's just terrified of her flipping and doing the "I'll take you for everything you've got" routine...

Onesleeptillwembley Thu 26-Jun-14 21:42:33

You're not in it 'for the long haul'. You're a stop gap. He is going to a friends party and won't take you. Sorry to be so blunt but stop wasting your time and move on.

rosepetalsoup Thu 26-Jun-14 21:44:54

You should certainly be going! Or neither of you going (because, after all, who really wants to hang out with their ex?!) Agree he's being an arse. No partner of mine would get away with this.

Sometimes after breakups people do have to kind of divide the friends as too many joint events aren't good for anyone. but whatever - You go and she'll have to suck it up.

rosepetalsoup Thu 26-Jun-14 21:45:33

But also I agree with the poster directly above me, I'm sorry to say.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jun-14 21:49:38

Goodness, you must be desperate for a bloke to swallow this

You either both go, or neither of you go (to "spare his ex's feelings)

Your self respect must eb taking a bit of a battering here. Isn't it clamoring like mad for you to tell this piss taker to fuck right off ?

ididntaskforthis Thu 26-Jun-14 21:52:51

Hmmmmm..... Interesting. I was made to feel like I Was being ridiculous.

Is it totally insane to have expected "I understand why it would make you feel strange if I tell you I don't want you to come but it would make me feel uncomfortable being at a party With you and my ex so I think we should just leave it".

When I try and talk about it again he just says that he doesn't want to now but we will have to.

Pinklaydee1302 Thu 26-Jun-14 21:54:49

Yes but OP has said she threatens him with money etc.....some men don't wanna lose everything they ever worked for...can see his point of view but.......I think if you don't go neither should he

Preciousbane Thu 26-Jun-14 21:57:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jun-14 21:57:56

why would you be with someone who purposefully "makes you feel ridiculous" ?

Frontier Thu 26-Jun-14 21:58:00

Yes, I agree, if the three of you being there is going to be that uncomfortable neither of you should go

caramelwaffle Thu 26-Jun-14 21:58:35

He's an in it for himself arse.

Forget this one.

DottyDooRidesAgain Thu 26-Jun-14 22:05:06

Either you go as a couple or he doesn't go.
You are in it for the long haul. His he?

mineofuselessinformation Thu 26-Jun-14 22:06:00

Ummmm.... No, he's being hugely under-sensitive. If you're his partner, you're his partner.

ididntaskforthis Thu 26-Jun-14 22:09:08

I said I felt like I was being hidden away and he pointed out we are going away for the wkend with the same bunch of friends this wkend. I explained I felt picked and dropped so as not to upset ex and whilst I understood it was painful for her we are all adults and have to get on with it. I also don't think it's fair to expect me and his friends to build a relationship but for him to control at what occasions that is.

We just didn't get far on the conversation as he then said he was exhausted by it. And if it was the other way round he'd totally understand an be fine with it. (Which I think is irrelevant cause the point is that I'm upset,)

Well I'm glad im not being a total needy chick.

Am really fucked off with him now. He's out tonight and I won't see him till next wk as I'm away with friends this wknd.

The thing is if I ultimatum him then we probably won't go but I don't think it should have to be like that, I think he should understand my feelings and want to look out for me.

I do understand his fears about ex as she is one I think who will money grab and do what she can to make life hard but to be honest I think the whole thing is more about him feeling bad. He said he was worried his friends would think he was insensitive for bringing new partner somewhere ex was when people know ex wasn't happy he left.

So he's chosen to be insensitive to me. Shit. That's the truth isn't it. Fuck.

wafflyversatile Thu 26-Jun-14 22:11:17

I can understand that it might be uncomfortable
I can understand that he doesn't want to rock the divorce procedure boat if his ex is likely to get awkward if you both go.
But the solution is not to leave you at home while he goes.

caramelwaffle Thu 26-Jun-14 22:12:57

Yes. It is unfortunately.

wafflyversatile Thu 26-Jun-14 22:13:02

His friend has invited you both and invited her. so why would the friend think it would be insensitive?

ididntaskforthis Thu 26-Jun-14 22:15:08

He says his friends did the only thing they could do and invited everyone and threw the problem back...

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jun-14 22:16:08

Always beware the bloke that slags off his ex. Who has bad mouthed her to you ? Do they have dc together ? What exact financial hold might she have over him ?

ididntaskforthis Thu 26-Jun-14 22:18:37

She has quite a lot of financial hold over him so he says.
I don't want to go into too much detail as to why. I didn't think it was possible for a woman to "take a man to the cleaners" these days. They have 2 dc together.

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