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(Almost) married man wants to use me as a 'free pass'?

(76 Posts)
eli004 Thu 26-Jun-14 20:55:20

I have had a close male friend for 4 years and recently he's making me feel really weird and uncomfortable. We are both in our late 20s - he is engaged and getting married in a month to a woman he's been with 10 years. I am newly single after a long term relationship broke up.

The other night, we were chatting as we often do and we started talking about how I was single again. I said that the break up had affected me badly and I miss lots of things about being with my ex. Talk turned to things like living with a partner, sex, etc and initially it was all platonic.

It got odd when he started talking about how he's always liked me and he turned one of our friends down when she came on to him on a night out as he secretly wanted to get together with me (he was still with his fiancee back then, who was his gf at the time.) I was a bit confused about this and didn't really know why he was talking about it.

Over the last few days he's been saying that his DP cheated on him years ago and she has said he is allowed a 'free pass' to sleep with someone he wants, as this is apparently fair. I find this ridiculous. He is really keen for things to move further and he wants our relationship to become sexual as apparently his DP won't mind.

I don't want to lose him as a friend and although I find him attractive, I definitely don't want to get involved in this as it's more trouble than it's worth. I definitely don't want to break up his relationship. He seems to be insulted every time I say I'm not going there and is desperate for me to watch him do sexual things on webcam etc. He keeps telling me I need to relax and stop being uptight as he has a free pass.

Should I just stay well away from him? He's making me feel really uncomfortable.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Thu 26-Jun-14 21:48:01

I think you're flattered by the attention or you wouldn't be posting this.

You'll come to realise this, though...married men do this. A LOT! angry

EarthWindFire Thu 26-Jun-14 22:41:19

Stay well away. If I was you I would also tell him exactly how badly he is behaving!

Wooodpecker Thu 26-Jun-14 22:54:22

Wow. He knows how to spoil someone doesn't he.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Thu 26-Jun-14 23:00:09

You have said you don't want to have sex with him and he is persisting in trying to have sex with you.

That's the essence of this, not his reasons or your reasons, that he is not respecting your decision about your sex life and your body.

And people wonder what rape culture is.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Thu 26-Jun-14 23:03:43

"I think you're flattered by the attention or you wouldn't be posting this. "

OP has a long term friend, or so she thought, who is now trying to take advantage of her unhappiness about a break up, she's sad because she doesn't know many other people and you conclude she's "flattered"?


wafflyversatile Thu 26-Jun-14 23:04:04

'If you care for me as a human being, let alone a friend, you will respect my refusal and stop pressurising me into having sex with you'.

gelati3 Thu 26-Jun-14 23:13:33

Guard your heart. He certainly isn't worthy of it, IMO. Sounds like he is trying to take advantage of you, when you are likely feeling vulnerable after your break-up. FWB never benefits the woman so please steer well clear.

Fontella Thu 26-Jun-14 23:36:38

You haven't lost a friend. You've lost a sleazy fucker who seems to thinks it's ok to pressure you sexually and continues to do so even when you've told him no.

He's the one who has lost a friend.

Tell him to fuck off and go and find someone else to cheat on his fiancee with, because you aren't interested.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jun-14 23:43:52

Stop talking to him now, I am not really sure why you have let these chats go in such a direction so far, tbh

he isn't a "friend" he is a sexual predator

and for the record, you don't need to be a close friend of his fiancee to get them both in the same room and say "so, about this free pass..."

drop him

EverythingCounts Thu 26-Jun-14 23:56:22

His fiancée has 'given him a free pass'? Yes, of course she has, she won't mind at all. Oh look, there's a pig flying past my window. What a crock of shit.

He is not behaving like a friend worth losing right now, so I would stay away. If you happen to be in his company again and he starts this, I would pick up your mobile and say 'What's your fiancée's number?' He will ask why you ask. 'Well, you keep spinning this line about the free pass and tbh I don't believe a word of it and it is incredibly sleazy of you even to try it. But I'll give you a fair chance to prove me wrong - let's ring your fiancée now and I'll ask her directly to confirm it to me'. You will never see anyone backtrack so fast.

YouMakeMeHappy Fri 27-Jun-14 00:00:23

I understand why you are disappointed and want to stay friends. But I don't think he ever saw you as a real friend, more of a potential shag. Sorry, but I'd drop him too. What a loser.

MysteryMan1 Fri 27-Jun-14 00:01:07

I'm with everyone on this, he is no friend I'm afraid. A lot of guys think with their dicks and they will sacrifice pretty much anything in that pursuit. Sorry but time to stop contact and be very firm if he so much as raises it again.

BanjoKazooie Fri 27-Jun-14 00:06:31

I would have stopped the conversation the second it started getting creepy or the second he started talking about sex. He wouldn't have got the opportunity to carry on chatting about it for the next few days.

A married guy I used to work with once, very unexpectedly, began to tell me how he had fallen for me. I instantly told him to fuck off and stop being such a knob and then I avoided him. Problem solved.

frames Fri 27-Jun-14 00:14:44

"Whore it if you want" ..pointless nasty post.
The free pass. IMO he just wants to play around and this is his way of leading you in. It sounds so much more fun than 'she doesn't understand me' and might work. Whether you see it through and sleep with him, or not, it would seem whatever you did have as friends is over. Find loads to do, and leave him alone.

BIWI Fri 27-Jun-14 00:18:19

Well, welcome to Mumsnet, OP.

You've known him for 4 years, but you've never met his partner, with whom he has been for the last ten years?


sykadelic Fri 27-Jun-14 00:27:05

BIWI - I doubt it's bullshit. Girl I've known for 10 years (one might say one of my best friends) has been dating, and since married, a guy I don't know and have never met. I'm not friends with him, I'm friends with her. We meet up together. We don't live in the same town.

These things happen.

Monty27 Fri 27-Jun-14 00:48:59

Poor woman. The woman he is due to marry sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Jun-14 06:36:23

"Why did he have to complicate things like this and ruin a good friendship?"

IME very few male/female adult friendships are purely platonic... one usually has a bit of a thing for the other, even if it never goes anywhere. You said you started talking about what you missed about a partner, including sex. Some people take any reference to sex in a conversation as flirting and that's what's happened here. He's always fancied you a little bit, you give him the 'I'm so lonely' speech and he took a shot... . So just be aware of what you're saying and how it might get interpreted

eli004 Fri 27-Jun-14 06:44:28

It's not bullshit. We met through a uni course associated with our jobs so we had our own separate friendship group through that. She has been at social events such as graduation etc but it doesn't mean I know her really well. I didn't actually say I hadn't met her, if you read my posts.

Monty27, stop posting with these pointless condemning posts. I haven't actually done anything. We have always had open conversations about sex and relationships before with our friendship group so that's why i didn't stop him straightaway when he spoke about sex in a general way. I used to believe that you could be just friends with a man and i treated him the same way as I did my female friends.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Jun-14 06:50:10

"I used to believe that you could be just friends with a man and i treated him the same way as I did my female friends."

Truth is you can't unless he's a gay man... hmm I get flamed a lot on here for saying that (and someone will be along shortly to say 'ffs Cog, I talk to my best male bud about everything!') but IME, it takes very little encouragement for an adult male friend to think you're giving him the old come-hither and chance his arm.

SanityClause Fri 27-Jun-14 06:55:22

Well, I also feel sorry for the woman he is going to marry, Monty27, but that is not the OP's fault.

mummytime Fri 27-Jun-14 07:01:27

Corgito - I think you are talking crap! But I know a lot of people who would agree with you.

I do think you can only have a "friendship" with someone of the opposite sex that is purely platonic until one of you starts to think, and especially talk about the other one in a sexual way. Or maybe until it is so long after your "sexual relationship" that you are both well over it, and thinking "what was I doing, they're okay but....".
And the "unless he's a gay man" doesn't really work, as a lot of gay people are at least slightly bi (just as most straight people are slightly bi).

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 27-Jun-14 07:12:25

Cogito is right I think.
OP, where are your boundaries? How and why is he still talking to you about this proposition - why haven't you fucked him off out of your life yet? You say you don't want to lose him as a friend but that ship has sailed and is halfway across the world by now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Jun-14 07:12:35

The man is twenty-something.... he's going to take a shot.... smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Jun-14 07:15:06

Her... 'I miss cock'
Him (gallantly)... 'Let me be your cock'


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