Dh is addicted to gambling

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

Name changed but am a regular poster.

Dh has a history of gambling , for the past couple of years at least. I thought things had calmed down and were getting back on track; he had set up his own trade and we were far from having lots of money but were surviving. For whatever reason, his partner suddenly pulled the plug on him and left the business. This left dh in a difficult position financially, and as always he was down and depressed. I gave him 2.5k (my own savings) as a loan to get going again.

Went through his bank statement yday to find lots of gambling at William hill, mainly £100 transactions. Lots of them were after the date I had given him the money and some were from before. I roughly totalled up £900.

We needed that money to survive. I gave him all my savings and he's blown it on gambling. We have two dcs and I am in pieces over this. I don't think it's ever going to stop.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

I should add that over the past couple of years we have slipped further and further into financial difficulty.

I'm now thinking that I only know part of how much he gambles, it must have been so much more when we had the money, and this is why we are now almost penniless.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

Anyone with any advice?
I've not told a single family member or friend because I'm so ashamed that this is what my life has come to

[LoisPuddingLane]

There is no reason for you to be ashamed. I don't know much about gambling but I don't think there is much future with this man.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

I feel like the world biggest mug, to be in this position and have two dc with a man who is lost in another world.
So depressed today, can't get out of bed

[seabream]

I didn't want to read this and not answer. There was a gambling thread on here a few days ago, have a search for that. I also recommend going to the Gamcare forum, where there is a families and friends section.

Please don't feel ashamed, this is not your fault. Have you spoken to him? What was his response? If he is ready to stop gambling and admit he has a problem then maybe he will be able to get you back to financial stability. But, unless he does this, I'm afraid you must protect yourself. Gamblers are incredibly secretive and emotionally unstable - and you will bear the brunt of that. Separate yourself financially as far as you can and take as much control of the money as possible.

If he does admit to his problem and commit to trying to change, you have a long road ahead for both of you, compulsive gambling is a nasty addiction to overcome and complete success is difficult to achieve. There is no way he will stop unless he is totally committed to doing so and to accepting the damage he has caused.

I'm so sorry, I know how you feel, I've been there, and am coming out the other side but it has been incredibly hard. Normal life is a long way away.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

None of this is your fault. You need however to protect your own self financially as well as emotionally.

This is what you can do:-

Do’s and Don'ts for Partners of Problem Gamblers

Do
?Seek the support of others with similar problems; attend a self-help group for families (Gamanon or GA)
? Explain problem gambling to the children.
? Recognize your partner’s good qualities.
? Remain calm when speaking to your partner about his or her gambling and its consequences.
? Let your partner know that you are seeking help for your own sake because of the way gambling affects you and the children.
? Understand the need for treatment of problem gambling despite the time it may involve.
? Take control of family finances; review bank and credit card statements.

Don’t
? Preach, lecture, or allow yourself to lose control of your anger.
? Make threats or issue ultimatums unless you intend to carry them out.
? Exclude the gambler from family life and activities.
? Expect immediate recovery, or that all problems will be resolved when the gambling stops.
? Bail out the gambler.
? Cover-up or deny the existence of the problem to yourself, the family, or others.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

He has turned very nasty after I confronted him. I'm in tears, he's called me every name under the sun.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would seek legal advice asap re your finances and make plans to leave him. His behaviour towards you by calling you names was completely unacceptable.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

He's packed a bag and stormed out.

He said I've destroyed his life since he married me.

He said he would rather go kill himself because his life is fucked anyway.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What terrible things to say to you. I would not go after him at all.

Please get on side now your own support; talk to trusted family and friends about what has happened today. Keep posting here too; others will see your post and post on your thread too.

How dare he say its all your fault. The rational part of your mind would tell you otherwise; he has put his family in this precarious financial state due to gambling.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

I am in pieces. He called me who're again and again. Ironically, I've only ever been with one man and that was him. Not that it would make anyone a whore if this wasn't the case.

I don't really know what I'm saying .

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Calling you that name is beyond the pale.

Honestly I would seriously consider divorce now, how can you ever come back from this anyway?. And what if he storms off and pull this type of stunt against you again?.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

I don't know.
A lot has happened in the past.
He's left so many times before, I have confronted him before and he's reacted in the same way.
But I've always asked him to come back.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

I said to him I don't want to be with you anymore. He said I'll go now, and he did.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Why do you ask him to come back? It's not ever going to be different, going by what you say.

[seabream]

I'm so sorry to hear this, you poor thing.

He's almost certainly going to be gambling right now. If he has any access to your money or joint money, close it down and get it safe. He's clearly in a crisis and will straight away turn to the bookies. He'll take whatever he can as he probably knows that the tap will be turned off very soon. I know how much you must be hurting but protect your future starting from now.
Blaming others is typical of a compulsive gambler, and they will lash out if the think that they gambling is being threatened. This is not excusing him of course, but it is highly unlikely that in any rational way he actually believes what he's saying. Nevertheless he hasn't given you any sign of repentance, and you must get out of this relationship now. He probably will come back once he's run through all his accessible money. Please please don't let him back in. You can rebuild your life for you and your children without the millstone of an unrepentant gambler dragging you down.

[LittleMissDisorganized]

This is addiction, pure and simple. His devotion is to his gambling to the exclusion of all else and he will protect it at any cost, until he gets to the point of facing the denial and asking for help. He is far, far away from that point and these actions have made it hugely clear to you.

Protect yourself. It might sound cold but today you must protect what money you have that is rightly yours and the DCs. And tell someone - someone who you know will not judge (because you have nothing they should be judging you for) and just be with you, listen and give you the hugs we can't through the screen.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

I'm shaking. He just came back for some more things and smashed my bedroom door in.

He's gone now. But taken keys with him.

[seabream]

Call the police.
Sending you strength.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Please don't let him come back after this. He's showing you his true self.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

He said he's going to spread a rumour that I told him my father abused me as a child, that's why I left home.
My dad is dead.
How can he do this to me. This was supposed to be the man who loved me and protected me.

[Callani]

This is so awful for you OP - I am sending you hugs and support from afar.

You must put your safety first - and get through the next steps to get some security.

1. Call 101, tell them what happened and get the police round to take evidence and a statement.
   
2. Call a locksmith to change the front door locks.
   
3. Call your bank and put a temporary block on your account, savings etc.
   

Sending you strength

[LoisPuddingLane]

What a truly unpleasant man. I don't care if he's got an addiction, this is no way to treat somebody you are supposed to love.

I think the only way to ride this out is with dignity. Tell those closest to you not to listen to things he says.

[LittleMissDisorganized]

What Callani said. If you only do 3 things, do those. Are the children at school?? Maybe the 4th thing is: ring the school and ask them not to release the children to anyone but you. He is out to hurt you and he knows what you value the most.

[TheBrokenDreamsIDream]

My finances were separate from him a long time ago. I was practically carrying him financially anyway.

Older dc is at school, baby is at home.

I'm calling my parents in law but they're not picking up.