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Need advise re: being punched in the face and threatened child abduction

(29 Posts)
Helpingafriend Wed 25-Jun-14 19:34:35

I am a regular who has NC and is posting on behalf of a friend who very much needs help & advice from the vipers. Please do read, I have seen some of the fantastic help and advice given on the Relationships board, and it is very much needed now. I am sending a link to my friend so she can read this post, which is written with her consent

Three years ago my friend married a man from Turkey. They are both in their 20s and have one baby DC.

H started being physically violent 2 months before their wedding, but it was intermittent at first, and has been steadily getting worse ever since. It happens a couple of times a month now. He is also very manipulative and controlling, for instance, one of the recent attacks was prompted when my friend declared her intention of taking the DC to playgroup that morning. He said she wasn't, she said she was, he then hit her and gave her a black eye. She didn't go.

The violence is usually in response to my friend challenging/disagreeing with something he says. He is also a lazy bastard who does not lift a finger in the house and has no interest in her child- he has never changed a nappy or entertained the baby for more than 10 minutes at a time.

He has UK residency, a job etc. They live in a council house, the tenancy is in my friend's name.

Today things escalated. His phone buzzed, and my friend saw that it was a notification from a dating website. She confronted her husband, who told her it had been set up by his friend as a joke, and he thought it was similar to FB.

During the course of this argument, he punched my friend in the teeth.

Obviously my friend needs to leave this absolute bastard. However she is scared, not only that he may get violent, but also he has frequently threatened to take their baby back to Turkey so my friend will never see her again. She has not gone to the police. She has phoned Women's Aid and they gave her an appointment at one of their centres, but she did not go. It is hard for her to get out of the house as her husband works shifts and is often home during the day, and even when he is away, I think it has got to the point where it is hard for her to get herself out.

She doesn't have any money to consult a lawyer at the minute and find out ways and means to protect herself and her DC, also to prevent her husband fulfilling his threats re: abduction.

I know a lot of MN members have gone through similar and know a lot about these sort of circumstances, so I was really, really hoping for some help and advice- and even failing that, just a bit of encouragement. She needs to know that her situation is awful and she should get out of it ASAP.

Hissy Wed 25-Jun-14 19:45:40

She needs to call the police, get the attack on record and him removed from her home.

She will need to go to the hospital to get her face looked at.

Doing this will help her secure legal aid if she needs it.
Reporting the threats to abduct is necessary and she needs to look at non-molestation orders and prohibitive steps orders.

She can't do nothing. Or she'll lose the right to legal aid, which doubtless she'll need by the bucketload.

Hissy Wed 25-Jun-14 19:46:15

Tell her to call Woman's Aid for advice as to what i've written.

MaryBennett Wed 25-Jun-14 19:47:11

Bump and good luck. Tell her to keep child's passport hidden .

Helpingafriend Wed 25-Jun-14 19:50:10

Thanks Hissy. She should have some money coming her way soon, as her mum was left an inheritance which is currently being processed. She thinks that she should wait it out for another few months until this happens. However i too think she shouldn't rely on the prospect of the money and should take action now, especially as her DD is getting older and the violence is escalating.

Is there any way in the short term that her husband could be kept away from the DC etc? She says that if she asked her husband to leave, he could phone a friend to come and pick him and the DC up within 5 minutes and she'd never see either of them again. However due to the abuse I don't tihnk she is necessarily seeing it clearly, especially as she has made a point of giving her DC passport to her mum for safekeeping

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 25-Jun-14 19:51:17

She needs to get back in touch with Womens Aid and the police, have her injuries documented by them and have him charged with assault.

If the tenancy is in her sole name she can have him excluded from the home. Victims of DV can be entitled to Legal Aid.

The next time he's out of the home she needs to change the barrel of locks (a fiver from B&Q), pack a bag and bloody leave. Womens Aid will help her get to a refuge if she has no friends or family to go to.

You know she needs to do this. We know she needs to do this. But no-one can make her. The next time he assaults her it could be fatal. She needs to think about that, and what would happen to her child then?.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 25-Jun-14 19:53:48

FFS, she doesn't need money, she needs to be in a place of safety. NOW!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Jun-14 19:53:58

Agreeing with others, the only way to get the man removed from the DCs is contact the police and have it placed on record that he has assaulted her. If she's wobbling, you could offer to do this for her. Gently remind her that many women each week are killed by their partners. Waiting could be a fatal mistake.

Helpingafriend Wed 25-Jun-14 19:54:08

Thanks Bitter. She has pictures of her bruises etc and she has friends & family who will be there at a moments notice to pick her up and take her to one of our houses whenever she needs us to.

I think it's just the unknown aspect of the threatened abduction/legal side of things that is holding her back too

Helpingafriend Wed 25-Jun-14 19:56:40

Is it feasible for I or another friend to phone the police and report the assault (for record's sake) without it coming back on her? No use if the police turn up at her door as a result?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Jun-14 20:00:01

There is a non-emergency number 101 and you can ask for the DV unit. Talk to them in confidence, tell them your concerns and ask their advice. Your friend is clearly very frightened, believes his rubbish that he would abduct her children and blue flashing lights aren't what she wants (although in truth they are what she needs). Get some information from the police, talk to her some more and maybe you can reassure her enough to report the bastard.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 25-Jun-14 20:06:32

The threatened abduction of her child is an empty one for the moment if the child's passport is not at home. She should stop worrying about that and start worrying about herself.

She absolutely needs to get herself to a police station and report the assault. They will arrest him, and then she will have an opportunity to get home and pack while he's out of the home.

If there were no witnesses then it is she who needs to report it. And she needs to do it without delay. If he gets an inkling that she's planning to go to the police or flee her home she could be in the most terrible danger. The moment abusers realise that their iron grip is loosening is the very moment that they are at the their most dangerous.

Helpingafriend Wed 25-Jun-14 20:07:56

She's just told me that Women's Aid told her that if she reported it to the police, they would come roudn to her house and also Social Services would have to be informed due to the potential danger to her child.

So i think she feels she is in a bit of a Catch 22 at the minute. She is going to talk to her mum on Friday

Does anybody know anything about the threatened child abduction- would her husband be allowed contact given the DV and the threats he has made?

Helpingafriend Wed 25-Jun-14 20:13:41

& thank you everybody who has posted

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Jun-14 20:15:33

The key phrase here is 'potential danger to her child'. She may not care about herself but her children need her to act. Please stress to her that he's a violent man and, if she keeps her DCs with him putting them at risk, it is quite likely that SS will have to intervene and remove them. Whereas if she reports him to the police & goes through with a prosecution SS will help her & her DCs stay safe. Any subsequent contact would then be on the basis that he is violent & has threatened to abduct. Supervised would be the very most he could hope for. However, men who have no interest in their DCs except as some kind of proof of virility don't tend to push too hard for access.

goshhhhhh Wed 25-Jun-14 20:16:50

This is going to sound alarmist & I am still going to say it. If he injures her beyond repair the threat of abduction, is irrelevant.

For her sake & especially for the sake of her child she needs to get help now.

ShergarAndSpies Wed 25-Jun-14 20:22:37

Do you think she would agree to you picking her and her DC up and then her calling the police from your house with you in support?

Just to give her more of a sense of protection from her H while she takes these difficult steps?

KikiShack Wed 25-Jun-14 21:11:59

Would it be worth ripping her DD's passport so that it is unusable to completely remove the fear of abduction? Or at least taking it to someone else's house? It seems that with the threat of abduction removed she might be better placed to call the police without having that to worry about.

Thecircle Wed 25-Jun-14 21:19:20

You asked about the threat of abduction and his liklihood of him being able to keep dc despite the domestic violence.

No one official actually knows about the dv at present, she needs to know that people will believe her, will help her and things can be ok again. If he ups and leaves with the child now he has every right to do so initially. A prohibited steps order can be granted to prevent this, a non molestation order can also be put in place to protect your friend.

Every moment that she stays is a moment too long.

Women's aid would be my first call, then police and then legal advice.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 25-Jun-14 21:28:09

I doubt very much he is going to take himself and the child back to Turkey that would require some I put in child care, money effort all of which from your post he he shows no interest in.

This is a control tactic destined to keep her in her place, he won't go me back to his home country either as he has it too good over here. If he did go how ever it would be a huge bonus to her as she wouldn't have to deal with this scum bag any longer.

I think she should call a family member and then March to the nearest police station and have him arrested for assault, she is brainwashed and panicking and who would blame her. But with your back up and the huge nest of vipers on here she like many others before her can get through this. The first step she takes to protect herself and her child is the first step to a new life and freedom. thanks For you and your friend.

InTheNorth123 Wed 25-Jun-14 21:34:47

Sorry your friend is going through this. I'd keep the child's passport in a bank safety deposit box so he cannot take the child out of the country. She needs to report to the police and ask them to take pictures of her injuries.

She probably won't ask for him to be removed yet as the thought alone is probably terrifying for her. However, when she finally does get the courage to kick the waste of space out, could she have a family member stay with her for a while? Could she go into a refuge for a while? I know some women have had panic alarms installed in their houses - this may be an option.
Good luck to your friend

Hissy Wed 25-Jun-14 22:48:37

SS would be there to help and support her, not take her dc away. She absolutely has to get the injuries officially documented. Police, doctors and hospital. She needs the proof for the legal aid.

bunchoffives Thu 26-Jun-14 00:07:44

Probably the best option would be for her to temporarily go to a refuge while they get him out of her house.

she will also need a non molestation order to keep him away.

NanaaBananaaaZ Thu 26-Jun-14 00:32:34

Right this may be long but this is my first hand experience & i may come across a bit blunt .

Firstly if he is serious about taking the child he will & he won't even need a passport registered to the child he can easily borrow a friends , its much too easy to do when they are young .
Does the child have Turkish ID , he can get this from the embassy in London & would give him complete control over the child if he did take him/her .
Get your friend to contact the Turkish Embassy & find out whether their has been any ID issued for the child and if not make sure they know that permission has not been given for it (can fake the signature etc) so make sure they write down that you do not and have not signed anything to allow this.
Your friend needs to go in to a refuge their is no way round this and the further away the better tbh for her and the child's safety.

As for contact when Domestic Violence has occurred I'll tell you my mums story in short .

Step Dad has been done for trying to kill my mum, kidnapping his son (my brother) it took over a year to get him back from Turkey and lots of Domestic Violence issues and they still handed my Db to him on a plate (he was given full custody) up until November last year when he was arrested for attempted murder he spent six months in jail & then walked away Scott free , he still has the residency order and my Dm has a restraining order yet he has moved two doors away from my DB's school .

My point is even with Domestic Violence issues it always falls back on the child's rights to a father no matter what the father has done to the mother .
The manipulation rings alarm bells for me , please please go to a refuge the next chance you get , he will lose the council house and you never know he might even just move on , thanks

dollius Thu 26-Jun-14 07:20:43

1. Report to police and get injuries documented - this will give her the right to legal aid] for divorce so she can save the inheritance from her mum for later. It will also help with argument as to why he should not have unsupervised access and help prevent abduction issues.

2. Call Women's Aid and get into a refuge.

3. Tell council you have separated so they can remove him from the property as he is no longer entitled to it.

4. Press charges against him.

This is so, so important and the ONLY way to avoid what happened to PP's mum.

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