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i want to leave my husband but i can't

(23 Posts)
canyouhelpmeplease Wed 25-Jun-14 18:42:40

I need to leave my husband and i need some people to talk to. English is not my first language so I hope you can understand me ok.

I have 1 son he is 11 and with a man in my country but we haven't seen his dad from when he was 2 years old. I have a little girl and she is 5 month with my husband.

I came to this country 3 and a half years before and left my son for 1 year with my mother. when my son was with my mother i was working full time and extra time in a factory to make good money to save so I can bring my son to England. When i have been in England for 3 months I met the man who is now my husband.After one month he tells me he has no passport for this country, I didn't know before because he has a shop. we stay together and he helped me to bring my son here and we rent on flat together and make apply to home office for his passport.

When my son come to England I stopped working extra time and just working about 30-35 hours in a week and apply for child benefit and tax credit and also help to pay rent. Because my husband have no passport he told me could not apply for this with me so it is just my name. we start to fight after a few months normally about money. If I need help for bills we fight and he says he have no money but he have shop. we also fight because he was always out late, maybe 2 or 3 in the morning. I think he cheated on me but i don't know.

All the time when we fight he says I want to spend all his money. this is not true just ask for help with bills and food because he is using this things to. when we fight he just takes his keys and go out. he will not answer phone and comes back after 2 days. he makes me to think it is my problem why we fight.

Last year i find out I am pregnant. we fight because he tell me I must kill this baby and i said no. we fight to much for this and he hit me. when my son is going to school he tell his teacher and i had to go to school and talk with them. Because i not kill the baby he said we must marry from the mosqe in are town so we did next day. his paper work come back from home office and they didn't give to him visa so his lawyer tell him get marry in register office and my new apply so we did.

When was pregnant i was to sick and not feeling very good so i hear about this maternity allowance and get paper to apply from job centre. I didn't know i must wait until am 6/7 months to apply for this and i already quit my job so i had just child benefit and tax credit also my money council pay for rent stop. again we fight to much for this problem because my husband is not happy to pay for rent and bills he say he have no money but he buy another shop with his friend so he now have 2 shop he shares with someone else. he hit me one time when we fight and try to push me down steps in the flat when i am 6 months pregnant.

we move to another house because before the flat is to small for another baby. it is 3 bedroom and £140 more but he says e want to move here because he can have bedroom for himself but all the time he is angry to spend money and i don't understand why. one month before my baby is born he get his visa from home office and he tell me hurry up to born the baby because he wants to visit his family. he didn't see them for 9 years. when i have the baby he is not happy she is a girl. he say people in his country just like boys. he not hold her or feed her or even help me keep house clean. when my baby is 3 weeks old he by a ticket and go to see his family for 2 months.

i feel very stupid now i let him come back to this house. he still is out all the time until late, we fight all the time, when i ask for help he tell me if i can't look after baby and house send my baby for his mum. I am scared he will take her one day even tough he not old her or anything still.

He must pay for rent because the council tell me they not pay for me now because i not been here for 5 years. even tough my husband has visa and national insure number he will not give me this number so i still have to make apply for child benefit and tax credit on my own. i know this i wrong very wrong but if i not do this i have no money for food or bill but he buy car for £6000 but i ask for £10 to buy baby milk and he is shouting to me. one time i just eat breakfast cereal for 2 day because i have no food and i must save food for my son.

I can't leave him because council said they not help me to pay rent. I can't pay by myself because i am not working. I ask him i like to work and maybe council will help me a little if i also have job but he said no because i must look after baby and house not him and i ask him pay for nursey for baby so i can work he say no and i don't have money for first month nursey.

I think i hear womens aid not accept you if you have a boy who is to old and i don't know what to do because even they let me take my son or i find somewhere else the council not help me for rent if not have job and i can't have job because no one to look after my baby.

I am stuck and i don't know what i can do. can anybody tell me if there is another charity that will help me with a 11 year boy?

Melonbreath Wed 25-Jun-14 18:52:09

Ring women's aid. You need help and they can advise you. You can't stay with this awful man.

Saltedcaramel2014 Wed 25-Jun-14 18:58:53

I'm sorry to hear your story. As there is domestic violence involved you need help urgently and women's aid should be able to advise you even if they can't help (I don't know their rules). I'm sure other more experienced people will come to support you in a minute but I just wanted to say you are not alone, we will find support for you.

Azquilith Wed 25-Jun-14 18:59:09

Women's aid 0808 2000 247. There is help out there x

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Wed 25-Jun-14 19:01:06

Please call women's aid. Different refuges have different rules if that's what you are referring to - your son is definitely not too old. Please just call them and ask for help, they will help you.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs Wed 25-Jun-14 19:02:47

Yes, Womens Aid will help you. You need to get away and be safe. He is abusing you in many ways.
Ring them (or Email) as soon as you can. Is he out tonight? x

Rachie1986 Wed 25-Jun-14 19:06:19

No advice but thinking of you xx

canyouhelpmeplease Wed 25-Jun-14 19:09:34

thank you to answer me, i not try womens aid because i hear that i can't take my son but i will try to call them maybe they can help me. do you know if they have phone number like a normal phone. not 0800 because i not have credit on my phone just some free minets left for normal numbers? if not i can try to email them but i worry maybe they not understand me right.

he wake up 12 and go out at 1 after he take shower and eat and i know he's not come back up to 2 or 3 this morning so i can try to talk to womens aid.

canyouhelpmeplease Wed 25-Jun-14 19:12:34

thank you for being kind to me.

i mite send to them email with my number and ask they call me as i am 100% my husband is not here at all after he wake up at 12 for any day. do you think this would be ok, can any one check the email address for me. it would be very kind

brimfullofasha Wed 25-Jun-14 19:13:22

0800 is free from a pay phone. Can you get to one? I'm sure Women's Aid will give you some good advice.

It might be worth seeing someone from your local Citizen's advice Bureau. They can give you advice on your situation regarding housing and benefits.

nespressofan Wed 25-Jun-14 19:14:06§ionTitle=Domestic+violence+helplines

have a look at that link. Good luck. x

nespressofan Wed 25-Jun-14 19:15:04

email address:

Charlesroi Wed 25-Jun-14 19:19:44

If you have a Vodafone phone, I think calls to Women's Aid are free. There is a list of charities you can call for free on their website.

canyouhelpmeplease Wed 25-Jun-14 19:23:52

thank you. i will send to them and email and ask if they can call to me. i will do this today and if i not hear form them i will go to a pay phone and call them.

I do not have vodafone i am o2 but this is a good idea to let you call this number for free.

thank you. I go to put my baby to sleep and after send to womens aid a email

Charlesroi Wed 25-Jun-14 19:33:32

I think O2 may do free calls - I'll try to find it.

For other people who may be in trouble, it seems that EE also offer free calls to some benefits lines and charities (including Women's Aid

Charlesroi Wed 25-Jun-14 19:47:08

Sorry,I can't find anything. I only found a press article that says they do this.

canyouhelpmeplease Fri 27-Jun-14 09:06:37

hello everyone that take time to speak to me on Wednesday.

I speak to womens aid on thursday and they tell me that i can come to live in a refuse with my son also. they keep place open for me for one week because i am worried my son not going to school because it is in a different town.

I have one friend she live near half way to this other town and i ask her if i can keep some of my things in her garage and she said yes so this week before i go to womens aid i will take some things to her.

womens aid said they will try to help me find some place to live from council when i am ready to move from them and help me sort out this problem i have with benefit pay for rent.

i looking at mumsnet sometimes and i see people say it is good to look for bank statement and pay slip for you husband if you like to get devorce but my husband he have2 shop he share half each with his friend but all paperwork is for his friend i am sure he don't make a payslip for himself because he not like to pay tax. i can look for something in his room on the day i go because he out all the time but if i can't find this paper can i still make devorce?

NigellasDealer Fri 27-Jun-14 09:11:33

yes you can still get a divorce without those papers.
I am so glad you found a place with women's aid and am sure it will all work out for you.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 27-Jun-14 09:23:17

Don't worry too much about paperwork.
Just get together important stuff for you.
Passports for you and the children. Birth certificates.
Any other paperwork like driving license.
Any photos you want to keep.
Please ensure you report the incidents of when he hit you.
You need to report this to the police.
I'm sure WA will help you do that.
Don't worry about your son. It's doing him much more damage being in this environment. He will much happier when you are away from this vile person.
Well done on getting that support.
It will all work out for you once you are away from him.
So pleased that WA could help you.
Use that friend and move your stuff out and get that refuge as soon as you can.
Do NOT tell him of your plans. Keep this to yourself and act as normal as you can until you get out!
Well done again! Keep going and keep strong.

vrtra Sat 28-Jun-14 04:10:57

I assume you are an eu citizen - you need to see a benefit advisor urgently re housing benefit. The case of jessy saint prix was just concluded & you are therefore a worker while on maternity allowance and should get it. (I think)

43percentburnt Sat 28-Jun-14 06:23:44

Hello, try and get the bank statements showing any savings he has. Also please photograph the belongings you have in your house. TV, sofas, cooker etc. do this so you can evidence what you left behind.

Please please take as much support from women's aid as you can. You may find that your husband needs you as he is on a spousal visa. I am guessing you are eu citizen and he is non eu. I know someone in a similar situation, she was very lucky he was deported, he can no longer be abusive to her as he lives thousands of miles away.

You will wobble when you leave, he will text you and ring you. He will beg and cry, he will get angry, he will do what he can to get you back. Please do not fall for it. This man is a terrible man.

You are doing the right thing. If you need to talk come back on mumsnet and speak to us all. You are doing the best thing for baby and your son, you can all have a nice safe life together. Your son missing some school is fine, maybe ask women's aid if there is a way of getting his teachers to email you school work if he is off school for a while. I'm sure they have come across this before. Xxxxx

springydaffs Sat 28-Jun-14 09:50:59

Well done for getting the help - Womens Aid will help and support you all the way.

I hope the bastard gets all he deserves now the authorities are on to him.

Brilliant advice from 43percentburnt . You've done so well, hold on, you'll get there xxxx

(PS you really MUSN'T tell your husband a thing - act normally while you plan your escape. Your boy will be so happy to be away from this terrible 'man' xxx)

tipsytrifle Sat 28-Jun-14 13:28:25

Please take up the offer of WA refuge. Get what you can by way of paperwork and passports but really, getting out is the main thing in my opinion. Get out first, the rest can be sorted after. What you need is the chance to start again. Take it. Good luck to you ...

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