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Am I going mad??

(112 Posts)
inneedofguidance Wed 25-Jun-14 09:45:22

So what to make of this. I'm on the point of pulling the plug on my relationship with my wife.

I will try to describe the situation as objectively as I can.

It started about 2 years ago. I came home one day from work. The kitchen had a couple of empty wine bottles, a bottle of scotch out & a various used glasses. No sign of wife. Go upstairs & she is asleep in bed in her nightdress, it's 7pm. She finally wakes up around 9 & explains that she had been out for lunch with, shall we say Mr X, a name I knew from her past, who she had admitted fancied her in the past. Nothing had happened according to her. Over the coming 6 months she met him a couple of times for lunch & on each occasion was drunk after & was generally not very pleasant to me. I suggested it would be a good idea if the 3 of us met up together so we could all be friends & I could be part of the relationship. The opportunity arose, he'd asked her out for lunch, she suggested I join, he immediately said oh no. Roll forward a couple of months, I go away on a one week business trip. She owns up to meeting the guy for dinner while I'm away. On my return I tell her as far as I'm concerned she's conducting an emotional affair with this guy & it is a serious threat to our relationship. I explain that I'll trust her but she cannot keep meeting this guy & not be transparent about it. This continues she doesn't tell me or tells me at the very last minute that she's meeting him, they don't seem to want to meet with me. These meetings generally occur when I'm away on business. She still insists it's innocent & there is nothing going on. She meets him in February and gets paralytic. I'm away in March, she meets him for dinner again (she's never told me she met him), someone told me. She goes to his house & stays for 2 nights with her son in April. In May she had to cancel a meeting with him a short notice as I was not at work that day, later in May again when I was away, he stayed the night, but again "nothing happened". I've told her this was just to far. She maintains they are just friends & have been for years. She gets defensive whenever I try to discuss it. Either I'm going mad or I'm being very naive.

Anyone got any thoughts? Or do I just accept she's cheating & pull the plug. Happy to answer any questions if it helps with insight.

Quitelikely Wed 25-Jun-14 09:53:25

I definitely think you are being taken advantage of here. It does sound like an affair and you are being a door mat.

I think if she valued your marriage she will stop contact immediately, if she doesn't then it's up to you to pull the plug.

caramelwaffle Wed 25-Jun-14 09:57:58

She's a cheating, lying, disrespectful knobette.

What you want to do with that knowledge is up to you.

I'd be filing for divorce.

RegTheMonkey1 Wed 25-Jun-14 10:01:00

You're not going mad. If this was my husband behaving like this I would go through the roof.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 25-Jun-14 10:01:23

I'm sorry but she's taking you for a fool. She is conducting a full blown affair right under your nose! I'm so sorry.

CuddleTheBear Wed 25-Jun-14 10:02:21

Shockingly disrespectful. No you are not mad.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Jun-14 10:03:16

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... hmm It's been going on for 2 years, they only get together when you're away and he stays overnight when you're out of town and 'nothing happened'. OK... hmm I wouldn't like to be married to anyone who thought I was as stupid as she clearly thinks you are.

FatherJake Wed 25-Jun-14 10:21:13

Wow. Second time it happened I would have asked for a divorce. She is taking the p1ss and you seem way, way too reasonable. Of course she's having an affair. Now you have a chance to rescue a modicum of self respect by leaving (or asking her to leave) immediately.

inneedofguidance Wed 25-Jun-14 10:35:24

Sometimes you need to sanity check what you see in front of you. To see if there is any other reasonable explanation for what is there.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Jun-14 11:02:02

There are lots of other reasonable explanations - some less reasonable or less likely than others, admittedly. Whatever you do don't turn into one of those people than suspects infidelity and then demeans themselves spying on their partner in a desperate attempt to get proof. That does nothing for your self-respect.

inneedofguidance Wed 25-Jun-14 17:03:04

I guess I've looked for reasonable explanations but nothing really fits. When you've invested so much emotional capital in a relationship & you feel everything else is good you look very hard for those explanations that can explain away something

ImperialBlether Wed 25-Jun-14 17:32:37

OP, can I just ask you whether your wife comes onto MN?

inneedofguidance Wed 25-Jun-14 17:35:32

Doubt it. She can barely get into FB!

trikken Wed 25-Jun-14 17:39:10

No not mad. Doesn't sound like she respects you op. I'd be taking a serious look into whether I would want to continue with the relationship still.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 25-Jun-14 17:41:29

Pull the plug and get rid. She's a cold, lying bitch.

cozietoesie Wed 25-Jun-14 17:47:54

Whether or not she's actually DTD, she's playing games with you and disrespecting you. I'd call her on it - you've been very forbearing.

pregnantpause Wed 25-Jun-14 17:57:33

No you're not going mad. I think you're a bit mad to let her get away with having an affair quite so openly. Because that is the reasonable explanation of her / their behaviour. To avoid you, operate in secret, have sleepovers, and be defensive when asked about the relationship - the reasonable conclusion would be that they are having an affair. That they are just very secretive defensive sleepover type mates is the naive conclusion. Sorry.

inneedofguidance Wed 25-Jun-14 19:16:20

Well I suppose I'm not surprised by the comments. Probably only confirms what I already thought but didn't want to believe.

bauhausfan Wed 25-Jun-14 19:23:53

I think you need to tell her, 'Me or him' and stick to it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 26-Jun-14 06:21:03

The trouble with 'me or him' is that it places all the power in the hands of the person making the choice... i.e. the cheat. I don't think they deserve that privilege, frankly. I think cheats should always be put out first and then have to earn their way back, but only if that's what the other party wants. If the cheat doesn't want to make the effort, it's no loss. If they are prepared to make an effort, the relationship continues but the dynamic has changed.

daisychain01 Thu 26-Jun-14 06:49:34

I guess I've looked for reasonable explanations but nothing really fits. When you've invested so much emotional capital in a relationship & you feel everything else is good....

Reading your first post, Im not sure what it is that doesn't fit for you, there is 2 years' worth of history - blatantly unfaithful behaviour what more do you need? Also what is the "everything else" that is good?

I really feel for you, being confronted with this reality.

IMO it is beyond the "him or me" conversation, hasn't she already made the choice?

Hissy Thu 26-Jun-14 07:52:42

Jesus christ! You're not going mad, but you would be insane to carry on with this situation.

You do have to wake up to the reality that your wife is cheating on you, in your own home and in plain sight.

This is her decision, and not at all any reflection on you.

Pull the plug. It's not as hard as you think it is.

Joysmum Thu 26-Jun-14 08:21:51

Whether or not she is having an affair, she knows how this makes you feel and continues to disregard your feelings. That shows a lack of respect for you and your relationship.

inneedofguidance Thu 26-Jun-14 08:27:55

I think the biggest problem for me is denial & not wanting to believe this is happening. I can see it but just feel this can't be happening to me. I then feel how can I have been so stupid to have been duped by this person, because if this is so then they are the most manipulative, self centred, selfish person I have ever met. I was there when they most needed somebody, now they are past that use, I'm dumped as somebody would a piece of rubbish.

inneedofguidance Thu 26-Jun-14 08:31:58

@joysmum. This is how I also feel, at it's most positive. She does know how I feel, but doesn't seem to care, placing this relationship even if its platonic above ours.

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