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Loves me but is not in love with me!

(34 Posts)
Struddles1 Tue 24-Jun-14 13:40:20

My husband of 3 years, partner for 14 years said he has fallen out of love with me. He said he loves me and cares for me and wants to have sex with me but he thinks of me more like a sister so won't have sex.
We have a 6 month old baby.
I think he is suffering from stress holding down two jobs. He said he hates his life.
He said the rented house and contents is mine and my sons and he currently pays the rent as I am only on smp.
We don't argue, or are horrible to each other, we in fact get on really well.
Our tenancy is due for renewal in November.
I feel so confused and sad but am trying to stay strong for our baby. He said he will still provide for baby and me.
What should I do? Stay till November or try to move out now? I currently don't have saving but do have family that would help.

Pennastucky Tue 24-Jun-14 13:46:09

Is there any chance there could be someone else?

Struddles1 Tue 24-Jun-14 13:47:07

I have asked that but he said no.

ravenmum Tue 24-Jun-14 13:48:12

I thought my husband was suffering from job-related stress; turned out he had more free time than I knew about.

Are you really feeling as practical as you sound about moving out? I'd start looking now if you can.

siblingrevelryagain Tue 24-Jun-14 13:49:02

I'm so sorry for you. I'm in the same situation and it stinks. Hopefully he's just stressed and you can work through it (my DH was the same as yours, turned out to be seeing someone else, but whilst common it's not inevitable in your case. Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt but do some digging just to put your mind at rest, so at least you know what you're dealing with) x

ravenmum Tue 24-Jun-14 13:49:25

Mine said there was no other women and it was all my imagination even after I told him I'd spoken to the other woman's husband.

Pennastucky Tue 24-Jun-14 13:52:05

Its just that the 'I love you but am not in love with you line' s so, so often code for 'I am sleeping with someone else'...

RustyParker Tue 24-Jun-14 13:53:43

Has he said where he's planning to go in November? Bet he says he'll go to his mums.. If that's the case, he can go now and still pay the rent until you sort something else out.

I'm sorry to say but I think there could be someone else or there's someone he has his eye on. Men just don't leave a comfortable family and a home for everyday stress of mundane life.

You say you have family who can help, which is good. Tell them what's going on: don't keep his secrets or try and save his "face". Make sure you have support.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-Jun-14 13:58:11

That line is from the classic 'cheaters script'
If you have family that can help I'd be out of there.
Get some love and support from them.
I think you'll be finding out a lot of stuff over the next few weeks so get some support as soon as you can.
So sorry this is happening to you. thanks for you.

Struddles1 Tue 24-Jun-14 14:02:56

I'm fine with the no sex thing as you can imagine with a 6 month old baby it gives me extra chance to sleep lol

I spent a few days last week with our baby at my parents and I was fine, but being back at home this week, I feel really sad.

I asked him if he wanted me to move out but he said the house and contents was ours I asked if he wanted to move out and he said he didn't know what he wanted to do. In all honesty I don't think he has anywhere to go as he doesn't want to tell his elderly ill mum.

I have really supportive parents but not many friends to talk to as we have the same friends, I feel very lonely.

chockbic Tue 24-Jun-14 14:04:31

Maybe the fatherhood thing has hit more than he expected?

Will he go to counselling with you?

teaandthorazine Tue 24-Jun-14 14:09:17

Well, he might just be stressed and knackered but the 'love you but not in love with you' line is a cheater's cliche. And they all deny it at first.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Talk to your parents, get their support too.

Struddles1 Tue 24-Jun-14 14:11:05

He never wanted children or to get married until he met me. Hence the long relationship before marriage.

He wouldn't do counselling or go to the doctors for stress.

teaandthorazine Tue 24-Jun-14 14:21:09

So...he's basically not willing to do anything to try and improve the situation between you both?

Granville72 Tue 24-Jun-14 14:22:42

'wants to have sex with me but he thinks of me more like a sister so won't have sex.'

Urmm, how many men think of their sisters in that way.........wants to have sex with them but doesn't because she's his sister?

Seems a bit odd to me.

Struddles1 Tue 24-Jun-14 14:26:38


I asked him what he was going to do to stop hating life and he said nothing.

I am probably asking on the wrong site now but, is there really help out there for single parents?

I am happy to have help and support from my parents but I don't want them spending their savings.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 24-Jun-14 14:29:16

There is a lone parents board on here, check it out.

I'm sorry but I also suspect another woman. Convincing themselves they aren't in love with you and stopping sex is a convenient way to persuade themselves they are justified in having an affair.

Viviennemary Tue 24-Jun-14 14:34:39

I'm sorry you are facing this. That phrase is just such a cop out. I suppose he could just be going through a period of stress with work and so on and things could work out. I agree that it's possible he is having an affair or at least about to start one so is distancing himself from you. Horrible cruel behaviour. I think I'd just stay put and see what he does. But if you don't want to do that then go to your parents for a while.

teaandthorazine Tue 24-Jun-14 14:35:28

You can post on the lone parents board but tbh there are plenty of us around everywhere! This topic gets a bit more traffic think...

I don't think it's fair of him to keep things in limbo until November. If he wants out, he needs to go (and carry on paying your rent until your tenancy is up) - doesn't sound like he's too keen to do that though.

Could you go to your parents' house more permanently?

stubbornstains Tue 24-Jun-14 14:35:34

There is shed loads of support for single parents. Financially, you would probably be able to get your income and rent topped up by benefits unless you are a pretty high earner. Also, if you qualified for tax credits, you could get 70% of your childcare paid for. Plus, of course, his contribution- either voluntarily or via the CSA.

Also, why are you considering moving out? He should be the one moving, no?

GarlicJuneBlooms Tue 24-Jun-14 14:39:33

Work through this calculator using different scenarios.

"I love you but" almost invariably means he's 'in love' with somebody else at the moment, meaning his more storgic or pragmatic love for you seems second rate by comparison. It is, though, motivating him to keep taking care of you. This may not last.

It's all very crap whilst you have a six-month baby! Do, please, tell people. There's not much sense in cutting off potential support, purely to save his tender feelings. Think about your needs, and your baby's, first and foremost.

ohldoneedtogetagrip Tue 24-Jun-14 16:16:35

cherchez la femme... she is out there somewhere.
Are you sure he is actually working 2 jobs??

Just in response to the thread title (though I have read the rest for a change and have every sympathy OP) ....

but it's just such a pants, immature thing to say isn't it?

OK so being in love may well mature to just love over the years but a decent man doesn't feel the need to put it to you like that. It's never going to be a helpful or positive contribution to the relationship is it?

Hesaysshewaffles Tue 24-Jun-14 19:56:33

For about 10 months my stbxh said he wasn't in love with me. At that point we had a newborn baby. I asked him what was wrong, whether there was anyone else - apparently I was imagining it and he was "trying". Fast forward some months and I found the evidence of a year long affair. The I'm not in love with you line is quite a cliche in the cheaters handbook.

MrsWinnibago Tue 24-Jun-14 20:03:46

Do you want to be with him? If you look into the future, what is the perfect situation for you?

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