Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Pretty desperate (v.v.v.long)(206 Posts)
It's taken me weeks and weeks to pluck up the courage to post here. I am doing this out of utter desperation. I've hesitated because my DP would be so furious if he found out - the fury I could cope with but he would mock me too, i.e. "oh you think you're hard done by after what you've done," etc., etc. and I find that the most cutting thing of all.
Sorry - I think this may be quite a long post.
Basically I'm not sure whether I'm in an abusive relationship or not. Or whether I'm the problem. Please, please be honest if you reply - I need to know whether I'm going mad or not.
We've been together 2 years. I don't really want to describe the incidents to date because it will out me, but I don't see an alternative if I want valid opinions. I'm a strong character, he's a strong character. We had a complicated start but we knew that we wanted to be together and we worked hard to do that. It was very stressful for lots of different reasons, we really didn't have the best start.
Around 3m into the relationship he lost his temper after a party one night, threw me against a wall and onto a bed, gripped me so hard I bruised and threw me out of the front door of a hotel room into the snow wearing nothing but my knickers. I was only out there for a few seconds though and then he opened the door again. We were both drunk and tension was high. He was mortified the next morning and swore that he'd never do it again. A few weeks later we had an argument in a hotel and he smashed a wineglass in his hand. I left.
Over the next few months we had dramatic highs and lows. The highs were the best days of my life and the lows were the worst. We had a couple of big arguments where he got slightly violent (smashing things, pushing me up against a fireplace and he held a glass against my neck threatening to smash it into me - though this is something he completely denies. Maybe I imagined it. I'm not sure. It was a vivid memory at the time.) In his defence I have to say that I would have been antagonising him by arguing with him. At that point I wasn't one to shy away from a disagreement. His point throughout the relationship has been "you don't know when to stop". His jealousy was getting out of control too. He once marched me home from a bar, physically manhandling me. I didn't want to go elsewhere, but he made it clear that I was within his physical control. On another occasion we were in a restaurant and there must have been something going on; all I remember is him saying "I've seen you look at that table of blokes once, I've seen you look twice, now you do it a third time" - very threateningly. I just stared down at my hands as it was safest after that.
A short while later we split up. Before that, we had some vicious fights (always drink-related, Saturday night, emotions boiling over sort of thing) and I called the police twice, probably unnecessarily and he holds it against me to this day, calling me 'mad', 'attention seeking', etc.
Three times we had a 'last night' together because he was going to end it with me. After the split I was diagnosed with severe depression. Medication helped. We got back together and all was fine until Christmas. We had an argument one night and he locked me out of his house (I had no key, live two hours away) and I stayed in the pub and became aware that there was a table of three blokes next to me and they were talking about something that interested me. To my huge embarrassment now I was so drunk that I went over, joined their table and their conversation for a bit. I can honestly say that by this point I was absolutely desperate for non-judgmental company. Desperate. I would never have gone on to do anything else under any circumstances. Over Xmas I think what happened was that he got annoyed that I was having fun at my parents' without him (he had his own plans) and on Boxing Day I was late to see him (maybe an hour, maybe a bit less, because I was packing) and we had an enormous fight in a car park where he literally screamed at me for an hour or more in public about this pub incident that he had got to hear of. Again, I didn't help matters by trying to slap his face once with a bunch of keys in my hand. To this day he accuses me of punching him with a bunch of keys, and whilst they were in my hand I genuinely didn't intend them to touch him. It was a fraught situation and I made a mistake.
There have been a few incidents since then, too many to recall exactly, but one saw me going to the pub to use the wi-fi to submit some work and because he'd been out all afternoon (I was unreasonably annoyed) I decided to stay there. In retrospect I was crying out for attention and care. Again, I joined a table of people (male and female) and stayed there for a couple of drinks. Not having eaten and drunk far too much I ended up absolutely wasted, left my ipad behind the bar in lieu of paying because I couldn't find my card and stumbled back to his house. His view on the whole night had been "Well, fuck you, if you're out, I'm going out."
In the morning I told him where I'd been and he went ballistic. He threw me and my stuff out of his flat, I wasn't dressed and he made me get dressed in a communal stairwell. He literally threw my bags down the stairs. He said that I was completely disrespectful and selfish. We fought badly that day, but I had behaved appallingly by staying out and getting drunk. He thinks that a woman shouldn't be in a pub on her own.
On another occasion he got angry and threw my shoes out of the window into the road, meaning that I had to go out barefoot to the middle of a busy road and pick them up. The humiliation was horrible. A few weeks ago I drove to see him after a fight and found him in a bar, he was very drunk. He was absolutely horrible to me and threw me physically out his flat and took back the key he'd given me and I had to sleep in my car overnight. He apologised profusely the next day and was sincere in regretting it.
So now we get to this period of time and it's been a rollercoaster. In brief: he is extremely suspicious and jealous, he needs to know all my passwords, if I use my phone when he's not next to me he accuses me of being 'sneaky'. He regularly goes through my phone and computer, etc. and flies off the handle if he sees anything he doesn't like (old photos, etc.) If I use any form of social media he is instantly suspicious and disapproving. He says that I've caused it by lying to him. I do admit that I have lied - but it was only ever about stupid stuff (is that coat new? No, type thing) I know that doesn't justify it.
Over the last few weeks I have been diagnosed with anxiety and have new meds (they're working well). He has been making a big effort to drive to see me rather than the other way around and we've had some spectacular times. We were aiming to spend our lives together and whilst I was totally comfortable with that idea, he wasn't and the pressure was always on - if I put a foot wrong then I wouldn't be a suitable wife. He's always yelled insults at me, but recently he's got really nasty - he's called me a scumbag, a disgusting cunt, a fucking awful person, a complete fucking joke, basically run me into the ground. He says that he only says those things when I am behaving like a disgusting cunt or whatever (this isn't language I would normally use btw). He says that I don't know when to stop and that's why he gets so angry. This weekend I really wanted to go to a special, one-off event which we had planned to attend together, but it had been sold out but a last minute opportunity came up. I was all excited and began making plans to see if we could go and he got immediately cross at one of my ideas (he said that I was 'palming my child off on anyone who would have her' - I'd suggested her staying with someone as an IDEA, it wasn't fixed or a definite plan in any way and I wouldn't have done anything if it wasn't in her best interests.) He got aggressive, nasty, shouted some awful things and I walked out. He said he couldn't go to the event because he had nothing ti wear (specific dress needed) He was appalled at the thought I would go on my own for an hour or so - it was my last chance to see one friend before she moves abroad and a whole group of girls were going who I am friendly with. I really wanted to go,.He later admitted that he'd lied to me about not having clothes because I hadn't walked in immediately and asked him if he wanted to go. I assumed that his previous desire to attend still stood. I wasn't sure all day about going or not and eventually he said that he would rip up my dress to stop me going, and all of my other dresses, though he later said that he wouldn't actually have done it. So I missed the event. He blamed me hugely for 'fucking off and doing whatever I wanted' when I walked out because he was being so verbally abusive. He denies this, but every time I came back he went down the same path and I was trying to make a stand.
Last night was the final straw. Too boring to go into but basically his point was that I have no right to complain about anything he does because of what I've done (nothing not detailed here). He says that I am selfish on a level that he's never experienced before (hand on heart, I'm just a normal person), I'm rude on a daily basis (I'm not at ALL) and he cannot see any fault with himself in any way. He says that he has the right to throw me out of his home and call me names, though he admits it isn't nice. These are things that have been repeated hundreds of times, along with the names. He accuses me of being deliberately deceitful, manipulative, spiteful, that I have 'snidey eyes' and many other things. When I argue he shouts that I'll "say ANYTHING" to win a point (I don't) and he constantly accuses me of lying. He sneers at me, belittles me constantly and mocks me by repeating what I've said in a childish voice. This morning I began to tackle him very gently about his behaviour, knowing that I couldn't take any more, and he turned around and said that he felt he was in an abusive relationship, that I was an abusive person, that I lied and manipulated and controlled him, that I had damaged him completely, that I'd ripped him apart and left his self-esteem at rock bottom, that I was calculated and nasty and would stop at nothing to make sure that he was hurt. Nothing could be further from the truth but he just doesn't see it. He says that anger is the only emotion that I can't destroy so it's all he has to use. I promise that I am just a normal woman, going about my normal life and trying to be the best partner that I can to him. I don't do anything that he accuses me of but he just can't see it. He remains determined that I'm this awful person. He says that I 'suck the life out of him', that being with me is an awful thing. He has isolated me from friends and family but hating me going out with friends, disliking my friends, saying that it's disrespectful to see them. He doesn't believe that I haven't slept with some of them. I just cannot tell him anything. He makes his mind up and that's that. He judges me on things that I simply haven't done. He's called me a whore, a slut and many other things.
What he said this morning has floored me. Am I abusive?? How?? I try every which way to look after him - doing all his washing, cooking for him when I can, giving him drinks and vitamins, tidying his flat, doing little things that he likes and I curb my own tongue all the time so that we don't fight. Now I've reached the point where my self-esteem is so low that the only people who make me feel like a decent person are my daughters. I rely heavily on their smiles, hugs and pictures that they draw to make me feel ok. I am often frightened by him - I know he would physically overpower me if he wanted. I feel undervalued, worthless and not special in any way in the slightest. He says that this is exactly how he feels. The name-calling really upsets me for some reason. They're only words but they do upset me. My friends and family hate him because I've relayed some of his behaviour. He's cross about this and says that I painted him in a certain light and focussed on the bad bits rather than the good.
Flip side? I do love him, I understand he's damaged in some way and we do have some wonderful times. He's done a lot for me.
That's it I guess. Sorry it's so long. I'd be grateful for any feedback. Has anyone else been in this position? What should I do? I am totally isolated, no friends or family nearby. I have no-one to confide in.
PS. The alcohol usage is going to leap out at you. I'd just like to say that we don't drink heavily or every day and it isn't a problem. It just seems to have fuelled fights in the past - so we cut it out.
No, what leapt out at me was your very limited mention of your children. While you are living this pointless drama, your kids must surely be being ignored on some level. You barely mention them.
Sorry, but this isn't a relationship, it's just mutual torture. What on earth are you doing with this man? Or he with you?
You both need to stop drinking and fighting and stay far far apart from each other. You don't 'love' him, it's co-dependecy with histrionics.
Get rid of him. Change all your numbers. Go cold-turkey and get some counselling.
There is a child involved in all this ???? I think it all sounds absolutely toxic and you need to never see each other again . Time to concentrate on your child - put your energy there. Good luck.
He sounds controlling and abusive. None of that is your fault but it sounds like he wants you to believe it is as it's a way of controlling you.
It's a very unhealthy relationship with an truly awful man. It seems like he's worn you down to the point where you don't think you deserve any better, but you do. You really, really do. LTB.
And yes, totally, as pps say: uou have 'daughters' and you like their drawings and hugs? Then they must be quite young. What on earth are you doing to them?
How old are your daughters? I hope to god they're not witness to any of the drunken violence between you two.
Forget this prick and start looking after your children.
Yes it is abusive.
However. Knowing this wont change your own behaviour because I have to say that some of the things you have done are unacceptable. You tried hit him with a bunch of keys in your hand? If he had done that then you have had the whole of MN screaming "LTB and call the police!" and they would be right.
You are so caught up in the drama of the highs and the lows that you have forgotten what is important. Your child. How the hell that poor kid must feel having to deal with this is beyond imagning.
Dump him and look at yourself. Yes you do drink too much, you have made many excuses about how you got drunk ("I hadnt eaten much....") but the fact is that you did get drunk and you clearly cant handle it.
I am the most sympathetic person in the world to an abused woman, but I am afraid that you are as bad as him. You seem to thrive on the adrenalin that you get from the highs and lows. Think of your child and sort yourself out because right now that child is the one being abused.
This man is no good for you or your daughters. End the relationship and cut all contact. He is abusive. You are definitely not good for each other in any way.
Put yourself and your DC first, do the Freedom programme with Women's Aid to build up your self esteem and also your understanding of abusive behaviour.....
If you, a grown woman, are frightened of this man living with you, how do you think your small daughters feel? Do you think they are not aware of your fear of him too?
I would say leave the relationship and ideally, commit to being on your own, and sober, for a long time. I think this relationship sounds so abnormal that your view of what is normal has become distorted.
Are you for real? I'm going to be blunt here. Your poor bloody kids! Get away from this nasty waste of space and stop or drastically cut back your drinking. You are not a pair of teenagers, your kids deserve better than this, as do you, but at least you have a choice, they don't.
YES you are in an abusive relationship and you are not to blame in ANY way for his vile behaviour. You have only been with this man for a couple of years and he is this bad already. He will continue to treat you like this and it will get worse the longer you stay. Please, please get out. Nobody deserves to be insulted, verbally abused or threatened no matter what. He says you are abusive because it makes you question yourself. I highly recommend you get the book by Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that - inside the minds of angry and controlling men". It will open your eyes to the mental abuse that you are going through and help to clear the confusion you are feeling.
Do not commit to this man! As you spoke of him throwing you out I assume you don't live together? This is a good thing if so. You will never please him or subjugate yourself enough to make him happy. He abuses you because he wants to control you, he doesn't love you. This is not love. A normal happy relationship does not look like this.
I have been in your shoes and it took me years to get out because I married my abuser and had a child with him.
I am now with a man who would never dream of treating me like that. He is kind, loving and patient. There are lots of men out there like that. Normal people are not abusive.
It's not surprising you feel anxious! Once you get out I would be very surprised if you still need medication.
Please get out. You didn't cause this, you cannot change him and it will only get worse if you stay.
The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.
Yes he is abusive.
No, he will not change.
Leave him. You will probably find you are much less anxious and a lot more centered. The highs are not worth this. They probably ate not even as high as you think it is just that they contrast starkly with the really low bits. An abusive relationships nice bits are not as good as the norm in a healthy relationship.
do the freedom programme and/or get a copy of Lundy Bancroft if you can. It will help you see more clearly what is going on here.
Focus on yourself and your kids.
Bloody hell. Get away from this man. Have some counselling. Have lots of counselling. Have a break, then get some more counselling. Aim for sobriety. Look after yourself and your daughters.
This is not right and you know it.
Fucking hell talk about victim blaming?! As bad as him seriously? What is she supposed to do, never talk back, drink, rise to his taunting or defend herself? Women's Aid (whose DV training I have undergone) would disagree strongly with the previous poster, that is exactly what he wants her to think!!
You are NOT 'as bad as him' OP. It doesn't matter how much you've had to drink or whatever NOTHING excuses his behaviour.
Who is victim blaming?!
Where is the rule that says that 2 abusive people cant be in a relationship? He is abusive. But so is the OP. Physically assaulting him, that is abusive!
Its clear that they are no good for each other and should go their seperate ways. But just because he is abusive doesnt mean that she isnt. Pointing that out isnt victim blaming at all because if the OP realises that her own behaviour is abusive then it may help her to deal with it and may mean that she adjusts her perspective on what is acceptable. Currently she is staying with him because they way he behaves is not that different to the way she behaves so it is normal for both of them. Normal= Not unacceptable. She needs professional help to establish why she behaves like this and why she allows others to behave like this in order to stop the vicious cycle.
Why are you still with him? He's repeatedly struck you, thrown you out, threatened to glass you, he controls who you see & where you go, you are clearly walking on eggshells round him. You said that the highs were some of the best days of your life - but you've not mentioned anything nice or kind he's ever said or done for you or your DDs.
Is this the kind of relationship you'd like your DDs to have with someone when they are older? If not, why are you putting up with it? They are going to grow up thinking this is normal & that it's ok for a man to treat their mother like this. Is this what you want for them?
you sound as bad as each other.
you couldn't help doing things because you'd been drinking? but you can help drinking.... if you have no control over what you do when drinking then don't drink, it's that simple.
You hit him with a bunch of keys in your hand? yes that is violence and abusive behaviour.
It sounds as if the pair of you are in a mutually violent, abusive relationship and the only victim here is your innocent daughter. I would bet any money there isn't just alcohol involved here but drugs as well.
You don't love him, he doesn't love you, this is mutual co dependency, nothing more. You both clearly have damaging and abusive tendencies, and no good can ever come of this relationship.
End it now, and seek some professional help for your alcoholism (because yes, IMO you are an alcoholic or at the bear minimum alcohol dependent) and seek some help to look after your daughter properlyly, perhaps she would be better off living with her father or another family member until you can sort out your issues.
Get a new life without this man in it.
You have told your supporters some but not all of it I bet. Your meds won't help as long as you stay with this person.
We were aiming to spend our lives together what the hell for when it's such a drama?
When people say, "Oh it's been complicated" they often mean, the past is something they'd prefer to forget, and usually getting to where they are now resulted in hurting others around them.
Where are your daughters in this mess? What are you teaching them? Anything's better than being unattached? Step back and evaluate.
How old are you and your partner?
That sounds like a ridiculous amount of drama for a two year relationship. I don't understand how you can have any positive feelings about this relationship at all. You do realise how crazy and extreme it all sounds. It is NOT normal. He sounds like a really nasty violent person.
You need to LTB. I don't think I have ever said that before but I can't see why you would stay. Is he around your DC? I really hope your DZc has not witnessed any of this violence either the verbal crap or the physical violence.
Did you have an ok relationship with your DC (DC's ?) dad? Perhaps you could just take some time for yourself?
If you really can't leave him immediately at least stop drinking for a while.
Holy God.What comes next? Do you kill him or does he kill you? What part of anything that you've documented here is normal? Get rid.Look after yourself and your child and get some sort of therapy.
Using DD as emotional crutch . Make her your priority.
End the relationship immediately. Other posters are right, there are men out there who are kind and genuine, it may not be fireworks and butterflies but I'd take love and trust and loyalty over fiery passion especially when you are trying to raise a child in a stable environment.
Also, stop drinking - it'll help you make better choices and stay strong. Good luck OP. It won't be easy as you've made it clear that you love him but please please please love yourself and your daughter more.
That sounds awful. You must be very young or inexperienced (not meant to sound rude, sorry) because that isn't what real love is like. He isn't jealous because he loves you.
Leave, please and one day you will meet someone who really loves you, and who you really love. It will only get worse. My husband has never called me any names.. The vast majority of men don't treat people like that. You will meet one, but not while you are stuck in this terrible relationship. Good luck
WannaBe, any decent points your post might've had were lost when you insist OP is "at the very least alcohol dependent"
Can you not read??
And saying they are as bad as each other? Why do you reply just to be cruel? She is obviously terrified, do you think he is?? How spiteful
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.