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DP refusing to talk to me saying 'I will not be dictated to'

(95 Posts)
Perplexing Mon 23-Jun-14 21:01:44

I pled (?sp) with him and begged him to talk to me.

I am off sick with depression and anxiety and have been on medication 4 days. I just wanted to talk to him about how I felt and get some comfort. He refused, saying whatever he says and does is wrong and 'I refuse to be dictated to' (his exact words) and repeated 'I am not talking to you'.

I said the only thing wrong is that you're not talking to me - please, please talk (crying by this point), and he again refused saying I shout at and abuse him. I did shout out of frustration and as I was so upset, but the only 'abuse' was to call him selfish and cruel and that he never talks to me (all true).

Aibu to think that the most basic expectation of a relationship should be ability to talk and be listened to?

He then told ds (7) he could stay up until 9pm watching football and I said he couldn't. A row erupted and he has now driven off with ds saying ds was getting upset. I wish ds hadn't witnessed it but I feel so ill and all the pent up frustration came out. Now feel even worse about DS.

Perplexing Mon 23-Jun-14 21:41:36


Delphiniumsblue Mon 23-Jun-14 21:46:41

I think you need a neutral party. Have you thought of trying Relate?

CinnabarRed Mon 23-Jun-14 21:47:32

I think you would find your depression and anxiety would improve beyond all recognition if you ditched the mill stone of a partner.

Involving a child in his rows is the lowest of the low. But only marginally worse than treating you like shit.

FabULouse Mon 23-Jun-14 21:47:42

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Perplexing Mon 23-Jun-14 21:47:47

I have thought of it and suggested if but he doesn't want to go.

Perplexing Mon 23-Jun-14 21:50:45

I was referring to Relate which do refused.

Yes I am attending counselling on my own.

I don't know what triggered the depression etc, I've suffered for most of my life. It just got worse recently and I decided to go to GP after talking to Samaritans who suggested I needed to.

DP didn't want me to be ob medication, he told me this morning I should just 'buck up'. I found a helpline number on Mind website he could call to understand more about depression but he refused to call them.

BeCool Mon 23-Jun-14 21:53:26

What's he like "normally".
What do you think is causing your depression and anxiety?

My abusive XP used to call me abusive. But it was him.

Delphiniumsblue Mon 23-Jun-14 21:55:10

He sounds to be adding to the problem.

Perplexing Mon 23-Jun-14 21:56:54

Be cool he us very controlling. He has acted the way before - stormed off leaving me in tears. He usually then returns and says 'hi darling' as if nothing has happened expecting me to be fine with everything just because he is now saying 'hi darling'.

All the problems are swept under the carpet, so to speak. I get no support from him and he makes me feel worse, I am just at too low an ebb mentally it even contemplate doing anything about leaving. In any case he would have to be the one to leave, but I've no idea how id get him to go, he would just refuse.

Hissy Mon 23-Jun-14 21:57:21

Your DP is exacerbating your mh issues.

What kind of twat treats someone they way he treats you? And worse, someone with depression?

He doesn't want you on medication?

Summon the strength you can and dump him.

He is NOT a friend to you, he's feeding your depression. Depression can kill. Don't let him do this to you.

Get counselling for you, and you alone, take the meds, and get him out of your life.

Delphiniumsblue Mon 23-Jun-14 21:58:33

Have you got any support in RL?

IndiansInTheLobby Mon 23-Jun-14 21:59:08

Hand holding OP. The first bit of going on medication is horrible. You will feel better than this. Talk to us if you need someone to listen. For now I would focus on feeling better and deal with your partner after.

LEMmingaround Mon 23-Jun-14 22:01:42

What a vile bastard - he is the reason you are depressed and anxious. You dont need a nrutral party you need a divorce lawyer. Do be wary that ads can take a week or so to work and you can feel a bit shit until it kicks in

LEMmingaround Mon 23-Jun-14 22:02:46

Do NOT go to counselling with this man.

Perplexing Mon 23-Jun-14 22:03:04

No delphinium, I rely on counsellor and Samaritans and Sane helplines. Have no one else to talk to. I have been on the phone to Samaritans while dp was in the house because he won't talk to he and ignores me when I scream and cry and say I want to die as I am in so much pain.

He has even threatened to get me arrested before when I have been really upset. He just wants to bully me into silence. I then get really upset and self harm, as I feel so worthless and alone.

BeCool Mon 23-Jun-14 22:04:27

Ok so it sounds like you could have touched upon the root of many of your issues.

Living in a controlling and unsupportive environment takes so much out of you. It grinds you down.

Stick with us here. Keep posting. You can tell us anything you need or want to. We will listen to you, we will hear you.

BeCool Mon 23-Jun-14 22:05:37

Do you have family around? Supportive friends?

Perplexing Mon 23-Jun-14 22:08:48

Thank you. Be cool, I was so scared when he threatened to get me arrested, and so confused.

I was just asking him for help. It makes me feel ashamed it feel upset and very hopeless, I thought I was going to have a heart attack as I got so worked up, my heart was raving and I was crying and trying to talk, and he just kept shouting at me and saying "no I will bit talk, you do not dictate to me.."

And just standing there ridiculing me when I hit myself. He didn't even care or try to stop me. Not that I wanted him to, as the feeling helps me - any feeling even pain is better than none.

CharlotteCollins Mon 23-Jun-14 22:09:02

Give up trying to talk to your P - it will make your life that little bit more bearable.

Talk to the helplines you've found useful; talk here. Be as bland as you can with P.

Keep dreaming of a time in the future when he is not there.

IndiansInTheLobby Mon 23-Jun-14 22:09:35

Don't ask this man for anymore emotional support. He is incapable. How many children do you have together? Are you working?

Perplexing Mon 23-Jun-14 22:10:36

Be cool, no, no one I can talk to.

I am so so ashamed to admit to all thus shit with dp as well as the depression etc. I feel like my whole life is in tatters. I don't have the courage to end my life and want to be around for ds, but if things were different I can so understand why people want to end it.

Perplexing Mon 23-Jun-14 22:11:35

Indians, I am signed off work. Only one dc.

joanofarchitrave Mon 23-Jun-14 22:11:36

He does sound incredibly difficult. I have to say that I hate being undermined by my partner and if I've said that ds can/can't do something, I really dislike it if my partner overrules me. However, as a rule we do try and agree things so that this doesn't happen; I certainly don't storm off as a result.

Can I ask who he talks to? Does he get any support? If he's refusing to see your depression as an illness, he may not understand that he is a carer, that he also needs support, and as a result may have burned out. Has his treatment of you seemed worse recently?

I'm not trying to excuse him but as someone who sometimes is the carer of a partner with severe mental health problems, it may be that he simply can't do what you need him to do.

Are you seeing your GP tomorrow/soon, if you want to die and are screaming out in so much pain? Have you considered whether you might need admitting to hospital? It's recognised that the first weeks on medication can be really tough. Are you telling someone about it? Do you have a community psychiatric nurse?

I'd also recommend that he sees his GP and gets registered as a carer. Just to do that may mean he gets offered some support. I got great help from Rethink too.

BeCool Mon 23-Jun-14 22:11:43

He won't give you the response you want or need. He simply won't.

Keep up your support networks. Try a diff tack - try not asking him?

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