Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm upset but don't know why I'm posting(54 Posts)
I am so upset. Really sorry, this is stupidly long.
I'm on holiday with my husband, 1 year old, and my husbands parents, who I get along with just fine. We are holidaying at my parents villa, so only needed to pay for flights and car hire, which was shared, and food, which we haven't discussed yet but they will probably pay a bit more.
I'm also 28 weeks pregnant.
Since we arrived, I have been made to feel like shite by my husband. Starting from getting in the car, I couldn't get the new sat nav to work immediately, so I said we could follow my written directions. He and his dad had a go at me, inevitably went the wrong way, and the atmosphere was very tense.
Something similar happened the next day. They keep swearing and being unpleasant in the car even when I ask them not to in front of the baby, it also ,ales me feel knotted up inside.
Also, I am finding myself doing the lions share of the childcare, despite my husband insisting that this was meant to be a holiday for me too (sahm at home). I looked after him the whole time in the airport and plane, despite my big belly and DS's desperation to be walking.
Yesterday we both got up with the baby, and DH let me go back to bed 9-11, then I took baby in for a nap 11-1. Thereafter, PIL watched DS while DH and I made lunch, then we all had some time by the pool. Come naptime, we both put DS down, but then DH riled him up and took him out of his playpen until he was hysterical and impossible to settle. I then had to take him, and it took me an hour to calm him down, I was nearly in tears as he has never been so upset before. What is worse, while I was doing this, DH and PIL all fucked off upstairs laughing and drinking. I keep getting left alone with the baby.
PIL will happily take him - when he is happy. Then I get a screaming baby handed back to me who is insanely difficult to settle.
Then DH came down and said he was putting DS to bed. I stayed downstairs until 10pm, alone, very upset. They were all happy without me. I couldn't bring myself to go upstairs after DH had been so dismissive. DH then ipad messaged me saying "my parents want you to come and sit with us", so I replied, "I don't care what your parents want, I'm too tired and upset".
DH came down, apologised, I accepted and went with him to make dinner. PIL were watching football, FIL was playing on DH's ipad. I received a message on my ipad from DH's, saying "yes I know what u think of my parents" - DH was in kitchen FIL was on his ipad....
So I told DH, who got really angry at the invasion of privacy, and sent me to the bedroom so he could speak to his mum. About an hour later he came to get me, he was hammered, reeked of fags ( I don't smoke, and the smell makes me ill, he has promised before that he won't smoke), and refused to tell me then what had happened, said to put a happy face on and he would tell me later.
After dinner, we went to bed, I went to shower, and DH got mad at me because I wouldn't have sex with him - just went to sleep ( stinking of fags when I had asked him to shower) without saying anything.
This morning, I got up with baby and took him to a separate living room off the pool so he could play safely and I wouldn't wake anyone up. I went back with him at naptime, but DH was still asleep. He woke up, ignored me, left me to put the baby down and buggered off to the pool with his family.
After an hour, DS still hadn't napped so I brought him out for lunch - really upset at the feeling of exclusion both from last night and today. DH came upstairs and started asking me why I wasn't downstairs. I told him how upset I was, (don't think he remembers much of last night) and he said sorry, which I said I'm not accepting as it won't get me anywhere, I shouldn't have accepted yesterday's apology. I feel like a glorified babysitter / hooker and not good for anything else. Anyway he got really angry when I wouldn't accept his apology, called me a cunt, told me I was ruining his parents holiday, brought my mum into it (we aren't getting on), and told me DS wouldn't want to spend the holiday with me either. He said a few other choice unpleasant things, but no need to go into all of them.
I was crying after all this doing the washing up, and PIL came upstairs behind me (didn't hear them) wanting to know what was wrong, I went to my bedroom and they knocked on the door demanding to talk to us.
But I don't want to discuss it with them, because I'm an adult, it's not their business, all they would say is "you both need to calm down/not argue" and they would refuse to acknowledge anything DH might have done wrong.
But I feel like shit because of the general atmosphere (very pissed), shit because I keep getting left alone with DS, shit because I'm pregnant and exhausted, shit about what FIL messaged as I assume he thinks I don't like them? (I didn't need to facilitate this holiday), and shit because of how DH is treating me. He has also refused to tell me the outcome of his talk with his mum regarding FILs message to me, which has made me feel very excluded.
I don't even know why I've posted except I feel very sad and alone, DH is at the shops and PIL are in the living room (outside my bedroom) playing with DS.
Get your passports, your changing bag, the buggy and the baby and go home. Taxi to the airport. Wait for a seat on a plane. Or better still take the hire car to the airport when they're all pissed.
Same as bonzo said. Sorry you are having a horrible holiday
Oh you poor thing, that sounds horrendous
How long until you get home?
Exactly as Bonzo says.
My ex used to be a complete dick when he was around his parents abc they formed this exclusive family unit with me as the whipping post.
I cried and pleaded and appealed to his better nature and it never worked, made him worse if anything. The only thing that worked was ice cold speaking up for myself to him AND his parents, no punches pulled. I TOLD them all what I thought of their behaviour. I also booked DC and I into a hotel (cheaper than flying home and why on earth should I cut short our holiday).
So get out of there one way or another and if that's not possible then tell them all what you really think, it's the only way.
Hard to follow the stuff about childcare and division of labour etc....but him and his dad were swearing at you (?!), he calls you a 'cunt'....those things alone are awful. Leave and go home!
We are leaving on Friday.
If I left, i think it would end our marriage.
It's so hard as his mum is lovely, and his dad is ok, well meaning but just does/says the wrong thing on occasion. But they don't see this side of DH, and I have a completely different attitude to them regarding drinking and smoking which doesn't help. Plus I feel hypocritical as before babies (3 years ago) I did both.
It is so upsetting that DH just wants automatic forgiveness so as not to upset his parents, but he really doesn't care if I'm upset. This is why I don't accept his apologies, because they are very quickly followed by insults etc so I know he isn't really sorry.
I just don't know what to do. I can't drive the hire car and the airport is 2 hours away. I wish PIL hadn't got involved as it makes moving forward so much harder.
Penna, they weren't swearing at me, just swearing in the car regarding directions and other drivers etc, but it was in front of me ( DH knows I hate this ) and in front of DS, which I'm totally against.
Yeah sorry, I know my OP is very convoluted and not easy to understand, basically they are happy to act as one big family with DS when he is in a good mood, then when he is not, it's up to me to take him and the three of them bugger off leaving me to it.
Sorry I wasnt being snippy. I am a bit slow on the uptake sometimes .
Seriously, though...if my DH called me a 'cunt' I would be off like a shot. Thats vile, vile behaviour.
You sound stressed and unhappy. This isnt a holiday.
You should be his priority, not his parents. If it was a straight up choice between upsetting them and upsetting you it should be them every time. You are married - he is not acting like that is a priority!
That knotted up feeling is horrible - and, again, not a way that your husband should be making you feel! He's supposed to be the one who can make that horrible knotted up feeling, when it happens, go away.
Honestly from your post he sounds like a verbally abusive, sexually harrassing bully who has very little regard for you. And yes, I do mean abusive and I'm not being dramatic.
The way he is treating you is very much not okay.
It's not a holiday at all. And the fact i booked it all and it's in my parental family home, makes me feel like I should be included as a family member, not left out or sent to my room.
No one has explained to me the situation with FIL's ipad message last night either, so I feel extremely awkward around him. If he read the rest of the message chain between DH and myself, he now knows a lot of our problems and history, which is just mortifying and a huge invasion of privacy.
Just tell his parents while your husband is out that there have been difficulties between you and him but it's not about them and you're not upset with them. This break hasn't seemed to have gone the way you expected for a number of reasons and you're sorry about that.
Any man who called me a cunt would be looking at being single as soon as I got home
I feel sometimes he is abusive, but he believes that abuse is only physical.
I told him this morning that getting angry with me for not having sex with him is emotional abuse, he just got annoyed and said he never wanted sex.
He was hammered so won't remember - another repeated issue for us.
The stupid thing is, if DH said - PIL, please don't swear in front of DS - they would be fine with it and would respect it! But when it only comes from me I look like a nag. If DH said he was going to spend some time with me and DS, they would be fine, not upset at all.
I think DH just doesn't care about me. His true family is his parents, him and his baby.
He can't understand why I won't accept his constant apologies and forgive him, (because they aren't genuine and the behaviour is repeated) which in his eyes, makes all of the bad atmosphere my fault and I am the one ruining everyone's holiday. He can't see where it all begins.
You are getting absolutely nothing out of this holiday so I agree with making your own way home if you can. Don't go on holiday with the ils again. The whole thing is a recipe for disaster. Put it all behind you and no need for post mortems on who said what and who apologised and who insulted who. Once you are at home if he continues with the horrible behaviour then consider splitting up.
Sounds miserable and, if I were you, I'd be finding a nice place to go tomorrow. Somewhere out of the hothouse atmosphere of being shut in with his family playing out this tense 'Eastenders by the Sea'. Leave DS behind for a while, get some air, relax and go do your own thing.
If you can't leave then can you plan a day for you and ds that would make you happy and have it regardless of what they are doing? Or better still, since you say your MIL is nice, can you ask her to watch ds for a few hours and just take the time to relax?
Your dh is sidelining you but you don't have to let that happen. Some people revert to acting like children when around their parents. Your dh might be one of them but you can demand to be treated like an adult although I realise it sounds like a lot of hard work when you're pregnant and watching a baby.
For example, what would have happened if you had read the message aloud last night and said ' Well that's odd I just got a message from dh but you're on his ipad FIL?' Then it would all have been out in the open and you wouldn't have been excluded from how it was resolved.
Going against the grain here but he is your and dh dc so IMO the childcare falls to you two. Can't you negotiate a rota regarding who looks after him. Me and dh do an hour on and an hour off. Or two on two off. That way it's fair and you get equal rest.
Ask your pils if they can watch him while yous go for a meal?
Also get this thing wil the pils sorted ASAP. Give them some back story and tell them you were tired/poss hormonal and didn't mean the message in the way it might have read.
I don't think they're cutting you out as much as you might be excluding yourself. They aren't turning you away, your staying out of the way.
Good luck with it all
Do you really long term want to stay with someone like your DH; someone whom you yourself regard as abusive sometimes. You also refer to his drinking.
When you are home seriously reconsider your own future within this marriage.
I am thinking too that in your DHs case the man you married did not fall far from the rotten tree.
He has just come back.
He has just asked me over and over again, does anyone in your life respect you, who respects you - I couldn't give a name so he just said "well exactly". I feel like shit. So so sad.
He keeps saying sorry and he doesn't want me to be upset, but in the next breath attacking me for everything. He has said I'm going to alienate everyone in my life because I won't forgive.
He has now started telling me how he works really hard and we have a baby on the way and this is our only chance to relax and I'm messing it up.
I told him that I don't see why I should stay here, that I just want to go home and he said that was me being abusive and threatening to him. I just don't know what to do or say to get through to him.
Here is one of my golden rules for life.
If your partner ever, EVER calls you a "cunt", you leave.
No-one should ever accept being spoken to like that, and you're sure as hell no exception.
I'm really sorry, but personally I would finish things. He has shown exactly what he thinks of you, and it isn't pleasant.
Do you really want your kids growing up in a household where it's okay for daddy to call mummy vile names? What kind of men do you think they will be choosing later on in life? Or what kind of attitudes towards women will they have?
Your man is projecting all his crap onto you.
I would now make my own way to the airport with your son (and your own DS does respect you in answer to his awful questioning of you) and make plans to separate from this individual upon your return to the UK.
I think you're being too soft. I would tell him to STFU and stop trying to get through to him. It's gone beyond that point now. He doesn't care and you can't make him, no more talking things through. I would just be brisk and no nonsense and go about my business. If anyone asks what's wrong (in laws) tell them. You've got to toughen up.
The thing with situations like this is once you're the under dog there's a certain kind of person that can't let up and unfortunately your H is one of them and he's got his parents backing him up. TELL them "don't swear in front of my kid" then refuse to engage anymore, you're right about that, have confidence in it. You're going home on Friday and then you can your H on his own and tell him exactly what you think of him.
He is abusive and a liar. He isn't sorry and he is deliberately trying to upset you even though you're heavily pregnant and he should be doing everything he can to alleviate any stresses in your life. Can you call a friend or your parents to have a chat and get some RL support?
Go out for a walk or to a cafe. Have a chat with a friend and then seriously think about booking a taxi to the airport and a flight home. If you stay he will continue to be abusive and them to minimise it. Show him that you respect you and go home.
He's a total twat.
I respect you OP and I've never met you. Because you are a person and you deserve respect. HE does not deserve yours.
I was going to say earlier that it doesn't matter what he "considers" abuse, the effect it is having on you is abusive. It doesn't matter if he's showering you with praise and flowers, if you feel uncomfortable and bad and he's not listening, that is abuse.
He has gone far beyond your borderline, sort of, almost abuse. He is disgusting and cruel.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.