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Getting married but no proposal. Does it actually matter?

(70 Posts)
TheWorldAccordingToJC Sun 22-Jun-14 22:56:02

I've been with my partner almost three years and we've just bought a house together. Good relationship, very happy, no issues.

For various reasons I'd like to get married as opposed to just living together. He's always said that he is happy either way but because it means a lot to me he's happy to get married and we can book it all ( it's going to be tiny as I've no desire for a huge do! ) for a few months time and he'll look forward to it.

My question. .. Have any of you married without a romantic proposal and does it even matter?! I'm not 22! He is romantic in his own way and he's caring and supportive but we've just has grown up discussions and made decisions re getting married and I can't see him getting down on one knee! ( we'd just piss ourselves anyway )

Jollyphonics Sun 22-Jun-14 23:00:17

It certainly wouldn't matter to me.

HygieneFreak Sun 22-Jun-14 23:01:50

Me and dh decided to get engaged.

We shopped for the ring together ( i chose my own )

Then dh took me to a nice lake and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him

It was all planned, i knew when he was going to do it.

It was more embarassing when people wanted to know exactly how he proposed and seemed abit "oh right" when i explained that there was no big proposal etc and it was a mutual decision.

sooperdooper Sun 22-Jun-14 23:02:26

I think proposals are a bit daft tbh, if you both know you want to get married it's a joint decision, just do it! I wish more people would! smile

Youdontneedacriminallawyer Sun 22-Jun-14 23:02:31

Why would you need a proposal if you've already decided to get married? [Confused]

mslion Sun 22-Jun-14 23:03:03

Nope never got one - I just said 'so are we getting engaged or what?' and he said 'yeah alright'.

When I was younger I used to get a bit envious of people being whisked away to Paris/romantic meals in fancy restaurants, etc. but these days I really don't give a toss. It's the marriage that counts not the fancy trappings.

treaclesoda Sun 22-Jun-14 23:04:39

I never had a romantic proposal and we're perfectly ok after 15 years of marriage.

I know several people with very romantic proposals and shockingly expensive engagement rings who are divorced.

So, in other words, it's essentially meaningless. I'm sure it's nice if it happens but it's irrelevant to an actual marriage.

sykadelic Sun 22-Jun-14 23:05:39

I lived in another country. We talked about it. I told him what kind of ring I liked. I got the ring in the mail a couple of weeks later.

It does bother me from time to time when I see movies with this big grand proposal, but the end result was the same. Married 5 years this year.

HecatePropylaea Sun 22-Jun-14 23:06:14

I think it only matters if it matters to you. It doesnt matter , what's the word I am looking for? Objectively? Full stop? In itself?

any agreement to marry is a proposal. One of you proposes it. Whether an on bended knee release the doves story to tell everyone Proposal is needed depends only on if it is wanted.

At the end of the day, you're as married either way.

TheWorldAccordingToJC Sun 22-Jun-14 23:07:07

I suppose we grow up thinking ' ooohhh one day my knight in shining armour will get down on one knee and produce a diamond ' blush

The reality has been a few discussions in which he says he's absolutely not arsed either way because his commitment is the same but ' if it makes you happy darling then I'm happy too '

angel1976 Sun 22-Jun-14 23:07:45

I never thought it did. Ex and I agreed to get married, no proposal, it was a visa issue... It was either I go back to my country or we get married and stayed in UK. Just before anyone comments, no, no money exchanged hands, I wasn't a mail order bride, I didn't pay him to marry me! grin

We are divorcing now, he left for OW. sad I do feel a slight regret that I was never asked. Spoke to my neighbour before he proposed to his now fiancé and he was so nervous. I think it takes some courage to choose a ring and asked someone to marry them. It doesn't have to be 'public' but I would have loved to be asked...

Oh never mind... Best of luck!

hellymelly Sun 22-Jun-14 23:07:49

I didn't really get the traditional proposal either. Sometimes I feel a bit resentful (when I've watched some romantic drama usually!), but we have been together for nearly 20 years, married for nearly 11, and still love each other madly, so a proposal is just one tiny moment, a marriage is hopefully the rest of your lives together.

TheWorldAccordingToJC Sun 22-Jun-14 23:09:38

It's good to know that most folk don't appear to have had WILL YOU MARRY ME? spelt out in rose petals on the bed

TheWorldAccordingToJC Sun 22-Jun-14 23:11:31

Yes that's it! A tiny bit of you wants the romantic stuff .. Even thought he IS romantic in his own way. Always telling me I'm beautiful ( I'm pretty average! ) and always tactile and loving

Christ we always want more don't we grin

ICanHearYou Sun 22-Jun-14 23:11:48

I didn't get a proposal or an engagement ring, if I ever marry again I will expect both!

mousmous Sun 22-Jun-14 23:12:28

didn't matter to us.
we talked about our plans, kids/marriage openly for as long as we where together really. and at a good point I just made the call to the registry office to book an appointment.
imo romantic proposals are often one-sided. it's better to be open so that no one gets dissapointed (and either could make other choices should there be a disparity).

TheWorldAccordingToJC Sun 22-Jun-14 23:14:14

Mous - yes that's how we've left it.

Me - shall I call the registry office and see if they've got anything for maybe September?

Him - what, 2016?

Me - you're hilarious

Him - yes darling, sounds good to me. I'll maybe get you a bonsai tree as a wedding present

exexpat Sun 22-Jun-14 23:16:21

When DH proposed to me (on an airport train, we hadn't seen each other for a few months) I very romantically said 'but I thought we'd already decided that!'

We'd been living together for 18 months by then and were already buying a house together, and had spoken of the future together as 'when we are married, we can…' etc, so I didn't really see the point in doing a formal proposal. But he still wanted to do it, though hadn't bought a ring or anything.

exexpat Sun 22-Jun-14 23:17:03

*sorry that should be "hadn't seen each for a few weeks"

Igggi Sun 22-Jun-14 23:19:52

I proposed to him. Romance can go either way, you know!

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 22-Jun-14 23:33:09

Mmm, I had the most romatic proposal from my ex, the fool cheated on me and was even before we married he was involved in all sorts, he secretive i only found put when of the pros he was paying called me at work with lots of evidence, he told me all sorts of romatic things.

My DP now hardly says he loves me, but he shows me and my kids daily, he is the most demonstrative man I know. We just agreed to try living together after 3 years of 5 nights a week, my suggestion. I don't think I will be getting a proposal ever, but I will always have love and fidelity from a man I can count on! We have agreed we will grow old together.

I would like a diamond and Saphire ring, I might have to buy it my self... He buys me other jewellery though....

So no it does not matter but ask for the ring, if you want one. good luck with the marriage

MsHighwater Sun 22-Jun-14 23:41:17

No proposal here. I did know someone who returned from holiday with her bf full of the news of the proposal and engagement. Turns out the holiday destination had been chosen by both of them specifically in order to buy the ring at Famous Jewellery Store. Can't get my head around planning to get engaged. If you have decided to get married, you ARE engaged!

NitramAtTheKrap Sun 22-Jun-14 23:44:03

No proposal
No ring

What's the point? We're both grown ups. We discussed it, decided to do it, I booked the register office. Job done. Surely the whole proposal thing would just be ridiculously contrived?

Together 17 years, married for umm<counts fingers> 7.

TheWorldAccordingToJC Sun 22-Jun-14 23:45:27

I'm even planning to wear my grandmas wedding ring. ... She left it to me. I'd re size it as it's too big but ... Is that weird? Oh and I'm not bothered about an engagement ring. Don't actually want one.

Still all within the realms of normal? grin

exexpat Mon 23-Jun-14 00:17:42

I eventually had an engagement ring (very modest, tiny diamond chips, bought from the second-hand shop round the corner - all our money was going on house renovations) which I hardly ever wore, and my wedding ring was my great-grandmother's one, resized to fit.

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