Finding new love as a single mum

[kikewblue]

Hi,

I know this might sound a bit silly but I've got a friend who recently separated from her husband and she's got two kids. We were having a conversation today where I think I may (maybe with good reasoning) put my foot in.

Ever since she left her DP she's been complaining that no one will ever want her now because she is a single mum. I then went on to say, that she will but it will take some time and most single men w/o kids don't really want to date anyone with kids. Is this right or wrong?

Also, I think that men tend to find single mums as an "easy target" and therefore you can get a lot of losers come your way. I'd like to know, does it matter to men whether a woman has kids or not as long as he loves her and then the children come as a package. Personally, if I ever got divorced I wouldn't care whether I had one child or 10 kids because bottom line is your children are your blood. Men will come and go but your kids will never leave you, so why care if someone accepts you or not...you already have the most precious gift in the world.

Any one found love after having 2,3,4....kids?

[Tinks42]

Children are not "baggage", as well as being a god send they help you sorting the wheat from the chaff. Tell your friend to date guys that have kids and see them on a regular basis, and have no animosity towards their ex. There are plenty of them around.

Im a single parent and really only date the same.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Are you for real?

Some friend you were...

[Tinks42]

Whilst a bit all over the place the OP does make a couple of points and im sure she means well?

[mammadiggingdeep]

Really? Doesn't come across as very patronising?

"Anyone found love after 2,3,4 kids?"

[Wrapdress]

Yes, I know someone who found love again when she had 5 kids under the age of 10. Actually I know two women in that situation.

There will be some men who have no interest in dating someone with kids, but other men will. There are single dads out there dating too!

Same for women. Since I am past the kid stage I have no interest dating a man with young children.

[musicalendorphins2]

That is ridiculous. I know a lot of woman with children who date, marry and remarry. Including my own mother, who has been married 3 times, once in her 20's, once in her 30's and once in her 60's. Now, single once again, at 80 years old, the man upstairs has been trying to convince her to marry him for several years.

[niceupthedance]

If she's desperate for a relationship with just any man then she might attract a loser. Same goes for single women.

I've only dated men without children. Haven't found a problem with that, but I have no intention of introducing any of them to my family.

[meandcoffeeequalhappy]

Maybe you should go out of your way to boost her feelings of self esteem not shatter them. You projecting how you would feel in a hypothetical situation of being single with 10 children, is nonsense because you are not in her situation. A friend listens and supports, and doesn't hand out usolicited advice that is poorly thought through. I think an apology and a big bunch of flowers is in order here. Yes children are a gift from god, but that means they are a gift to any future relationship too not a burden. And that is how you should make your friend feel, not be a smug married.

[Birdsgottafly]

I've chosen not to live with anyone after my marriage ended.

I had a good relationship for 7 years, but I enjoy having my own home.

I'm in my 40's, my advice to my children's friends and younger relatives, when they seperate is to work on their self esteem and think about if they are getting all they want from life.

Relationships and life are supposed to be fun.

Most people who have had break ups haven't had a lot of fun, for quite some time.

I think you should give yourself time, to recover, whilst just having fun, flirting and enjoying being sexual again.

Question why you need "to be wanted". I think for a lot of women it is a combination of low self esteem and social conditioning, in truth most women get more fulfilment out of good friendships than their relationships.

Alongside, don't ignore red flags or compromise on what you really want, most people have just spent a long time doing that when the've not long split up.

It is a cliche, but it is the start of a new life and a relationship is only a small part of that.

When it comes to finding a good long term partner, children of any age, don't stop that. Children don't stop you developing friendships, or dating (unless you have child care issues of course).

Your friend is just going through a natural/common stage of a break up.

[Sassy777]

I'm guessing you don't have any other friends who have had kids and then found another man yet! Loads of blokes couldn't care less if a woman has kids. This is my own experience (mine are 3, 5 and 7 and that of several friends.

Have you never heard he term blended family?!

I think you should go back to your friend and boost her confidence!

[Frogisatwat]

Yep I have thanks very much! It does indeed sort the wheat from the chaff. I went through a phase of feeling no one would ever want me with my children in tow and if a friend of mine had spouted what you did I think I would have gone looking for a rope and a stool.. and thats not meant to be 'funny' because its not a laughing matter

[drivenbyyou]

I thought that no-one would be interested in me as a single (divorced) mum of 6 (oldest left home) - not one of my friends said that to me, I assumed it all on my own .

However, I turned out to be wrong. I'm not the gushy type but now DH worships the ground I walk on, took on my now youngest 3 (other 3 all older and left home but of course still come round on the scrounge or whinge ), without batting an eyelid. Still can't believe it myself.

I was most definitely not looking for anything, so had no expectations and certainly was not on my 'best behaviour' when we met. And in fact tried hard not to get attached because I was sure when he found out about what had gone on with my dysfunctional family he would run for the hills. He was persistent (in a good way) though...

[drivenbyyou]

Oh and he has no kids or ex wife either (and he's not weird - just put off women after a long-ago refused proposal).

[wintervixen]

I've had no problems dating with children. I'm just always careful about informing the guy about children until I've had a couple of dates, and I don't let them meet them unless I feel it's a lasting relationship. I've been on many dates, but only introduced two men to my children. My SIL found love, she had five kids at the time and they've now had a 6th as a couple.

[kikewblue]

WOAAAHHHH..!

Some of you ladies have taken this wayyy too personal. Just take a breather and a step back for a moment :) Although, I can see how things can be misinterpreted in plain text!

Firstly, my parents got divorced when I was 5 and my mother didn't have ANY issues with finding a good man and remarrying, so I know it's not IMPOSSIBLE! And like I said in my earlier text, if someone loves you they should love you regardless of how many kids you have and if you don't find that, then still count your blessings.

So about my friend, I only gave a snip it of the conversation and believe I am a VERY good friend to her of over 17 years! However, I am also a realist and I feel that if she's meeting different guys on the net, bringing them to your house straight away for a "leg over" whilst her kids are asleep upstairs, then OF COURSE she won't find love and men are going to think she's easy! Also, most of my single male friends are of the opinion that they would rather date a woman if NO kids and if she did then they would have she has no more than ONE child! Unless, they themselves already have a child.


Anyway, didn't mean to cause offence to none of you. I don't know ANY of you so don't take it personal. Relax and enjoy your Saturday :)

[kikewblue]

And some of your stories are really beautiful. It's good to know there is such love out there.

PreciousBane wow! What a b***d!!! I was reading a similar to post from a woman who married with a child, they stayed together for 12 years and then he just went off! No contact, nothing! I don't have words for such actions.

[kikewblue]

Tinks42 bless your cotton socks! Trying to speak up for me

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

I know plenty of people who have children and have gone on to meet lovely men.

I'm a bit uncomfortable though with those of us who wouldn't want to date someone with children as being the 'wheat' or the chaff - not sure which. I do know I want my own children and family and would be reluctant to date a man who already has his own. I'm not sure that makes me a dodgy catch!

[PoundingTheStreets]

I don't think the children have much to do with it at all TBH. I think far more significant is the emotional intelligence and integrity of the adults involved.

A woman with poor judgement, poor boundaries and little self-awareness is always going to have problems having a successful relationship regardless. Having children will just make it even harder and make her more vulnerable. And yes, there certainly is a certain type of man out there who targets single mothers like this.

A woman with excellent interpersonal skills, good boundaries and solid self-esteem, however, won't have any problems dating even if she has several children, although the presence of those children will necessarily slow the pace and development of the relationship initially.

Similarly, a man's own parental status has little influence. Indeed, sometimes the addition of his own children can be an extra complication. A man with decency and integrity will treat a new partner's children well irrespective of whether he has his own. Once you get past a certain age, very few men IMO expect to date only childless women.

[kikewblue]

PoundingTheStreets Very well put. That makes a great deal of sense.

[kikewblue]

I shall copy that and send it to her. Hopefully she'll take heed.

[mwahmumx]

I then went on to say, that she will but it will take some time and most single men w/o kids don't really want to date anyone with kids. Is this right or wrong?

WRONG many of my friends who are single mums are in relationships. And you can't exactly talk for the male population... Are you sure your friend isn't you and your friend didn't say this to you?

[kikewblue]

mwahmum Haha, no! If it was me I wouldn't have any problems saying no. There's nothing to be ashamed of here and more so, do I know any of you ladies??? No! So, what's the basis of your assumption?

I never said I was speaking for the male population! I am speaking from the opinion that pretty much most of MY MALE friends without kids have said. Moreover, that was a question!! Also, read the whole thread and what I have said afterwards instead of subtracting statements and interpreting them in your on way!

[kikewblue]

*so