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This is not right but I don't know how to change it

(966 Posts)
HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 14:25:19

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 14:29:21

Also I have no confidence in myself, I feel I don't know who I am anymore. I have depression and panic attacks and have been self harming for years although it has been a lot less recently as he got very angry about it.

Quitelikely Fri 20-Jun-14 14:30:32

What is his behaviour like towards you? How old are the dc and do you have family support?

myroomisatip Fri 20-Jun-14 14:32:55

Right. Go and speak to your GP about the depression and the panic attacks and the SH. I am sure that these are caused by your unhappy relationship and situation. See if you can get some counselling.

Go to the CAB about what you would be entitled to if you left and go see as many family law solicitors that give a free half hour and get some information there. It is much easier to make decisions when you have more information.

I am so sorry you are in such a bad place. I have been there myself, and although it was difficult, having no support, I did manage to get out. I hope you can too.

HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 14:35:28

He's quite violent when I aggravate him (I don't mean to but he has a quick temper). He puts me down a lot and is a bit controlling.
I am under the care of my local mh team and am on sertraline at the moment. I was seeing a therapist but I haven't been able to go for a long time.
Dc are under 5. I have no family support at the moment.

justiceofthePeas Fri 20-Jun-14 14:39:04

Ok. Can you check out the EA support thread in relationships.

The most likely reason you feel like you cannot cope without him is because he has been conditioning you into thinking that.

You can. You would. Almost certainly better than you can cope with him. If you can survive DA and still be functioning albeit with difficulty imagine how much better you will function without him draghing you down.

First and foremost, contact Women's Aid. They can and will help you.

HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 14:46:41

I do wind him up not meaning to but I do I feel like it's not all his fault but I don't know how to make it better I don't know if I can leave him

HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 14:51:56

I just feel broken and like I have ruined any chance of myself and my dc having a good life. I feel like there's no way out of how I feel I just want to make it better and make him want to respect me again

kaykayblue Fri 20-Jun-14 14:57:16

Hi Op.

Try and think about this as small steps, rather than a huge big challenge.

The first small step would be to call women's aid. That's so easy! You have spoken to people on the phone lots of times before - it's not scary. You can probably ask to be annonymous if you feel more comfortable. A very easy first step - if you got through child birth then you can pick up the phone smile

Talk to one of the people there. See what they say.

That's all you need to do for now. Just make the phone call and then tell us how it went.

kaykayblue Fri 20-Jun-14 14:58:40

Here is the phone number OP.

0808 2000 247

HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 15:02:12

I don't think it warrants calling them. I don't think he's as bad as to need to speak to people I think I need to find ways of making it better iyswim

kaykayblue Fri 20-Jun-14 15:06:02

Hi Happy. If it doesn't warrant calling them, then they may still be able to give you some other information that you might find more useful. Or you might find that they are very helpful themselves.

You have nothing to lose from calling them, so just pick up the phone and speak with them. They are there to speak to women 24 hours a day 7 days a week. They exist exactly for women who are struggling.

Like I said, tiny steps. You won't know if it will help until you try will you smile

There's no shame in asking for help. Sometimes it's useful to hear another persons view. Give it a go.

HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 15:08:24

I'm too scared, way too scared of trying to leave or of telling someone out loud what is going on

hellsbellsmelons Fri 20-Jun-14 15:08:47

He's abusing you and has been for years.
You CAN leave him.

Contact Womens Aid as a PP said - as your first step.
Then take it from there.

If you don't get through then you call 101 and ask for the DV unit and discuss this with the police.

I also think you will find a lot of your health and MH issues will improve once you are away from this abusive man.

Good luck and keep posting for advice when ever you need it.

HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 15:10:03

I really can't speak out loud about it I am too scared

kaykayblue Fri 20-Jun-14 15:15:14

Hi again Happy land,

That's okay. If you can't say the words just yet, then you can also e-mail them. Here is the address. You don't need to worry about them calling you - they never call after an e-mail to protect your safety.

You can set up a new account at gmail in just a few seconds, so it won't go from your normal e-mail account.

Or if you like, I can set up an account for you, and message you with the password.

teaandthorazine Fri 20-Jun-14 15:15:49

Just the tiny bit you have posted so far more than warrants calling WA.

He is violent and controlling and he leads you to believe that a) his behaviour is your fault and b) you wouldn't function without him in your life. Honestly happyland, you couldn't have written a stronger case for needing to make that call if you'd tried to. It is absolutely bad enough.

Saying it out loud is scary, but necessary. You've taken one step by posting on here. You can take another, you really can.

kaykayblue Fri 20-Jun-14 15:16:28

Do you have any family nearby happyland?

teaandthorazine Fri 20-Jun-14 15:18:19

Email is a good idea. You could just email them this thread if you like.

I too have no doubt that your MH issues will improve dramatically when this horrible man is no longer around you every day.

myroomisatip Fri 20-Jun-14 15:18:28

I was too scared for years OP. Until one day the fear of spending the rest of my life living like that became greater than my fear of him and of leaving.

Believe me, it is much easier to go than you think. Please speak to Womens Aid.

HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 15:18:50

I have no family near Or to talk to and no friends
I could email yes would they email back ?
I just want to get out

kaykayblue Fri 20-Jun-14 15:21:33

They will e-mail you back, but it will only be with information on resources. It would definitely be better to call them as they can listen to you and give you advice specific to you, but it's okay if you aren't ready for that yet. I am going to message you, okay?

HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 15:22:29


HappyLandSpaceMan Fri 20-Jun-14 15:22:52

But I will make him so angry

myroomisatip Fri 20-Jun-14 15:23:29

You have a lot of on line friends smile

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