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Would you stay with this man?

(61 Posts)
Exsqueezemeplease Tue 17-Jun-14 14:16:08

He is a drifter, works as little as possible and is threatening the financial security of our family with his "I don't have to have a proper job" attitude.

He has an alcohol problem which he is currently apparently in good control of but he hasn't actually stopped drinking and has no intentions of stopping or seeking help to stop. He says he has stopped drinkin at home, but I have caught him secretly drinking twice. He calls these "little blips" and doesn't understand why I don't trust him not to be secretly drinking.

He has been verbally abusive to me whilst drunk, several times. This is rare but has happened as recently as a few months ago.

He has been physically aggressive with our DC (not to hurt but to demonstrate his displeasure). Last time this happened I chucked him out but he made huge promises to change and I believed him. He has made more of an effort and been a better father since then.

On the other hand he is kind and loving to me, can be fun to be with, and the love is still there between us.

If you recognise my situation (I've posted about him quite a lot under different user names) please don't shout at me for still dithering. I've almost made my mind up to go - I've seen a solicitor and viewed houses. But he is being particularly supportive and lovely at the moment and I'm finding it very tough to make that final push.

RussellBrandsEyeliner Tue 17-Jun-14 14:17:47

No I wouldnt stay with this man at all.

JustTheRightBullets Tue 17-Jun-14 14:19:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rikalaily Tue 17-Jun-14 14:20:47


Funnyfoot Tue 17-Jun-14 14:20:51


For the sake of my children's future and my sanity I would ask him to leave. Being loving every now and again is not enough.
He is a poor role model for your children and you deserve better.

You cannot convince somebody to be a better parent or husband they have to want to. He is unable o give up the booze and needs proper support.

Ehhn Tue 17-Jun-14 14:20:53

No way would I stay.

ouryve Tue 17-Jun-14 14:21:27

Hell no. The good doesn't automatically balance out the bad.

Smilesandpiles Tue 17-Jun-14 14:21:44

Hell no.

DialMforMummy Tue 17-Jun-14 14:23:46


DenzelWashington Tue 17-Jun-14 14:25:00

he is being particularly supportive and lovely at the moment

I think that phrase 'at the moment' says it really.

You know it is temporary. He can't, or won't, sustain it. So just go. You can still let the children enjoy the lovely times, but by separating you will shield yourself and them from the (more usual) not so lovely times.

WellWhoKnew Tue 17-Jun-14 14:27:11

You have a huge potential to love and be loved, that is clear. It will not be squandered if you choose to leave. It will give you the opportunity to have it with someone who doesn't lie to you, treat your children badly and turn 'on and off' with making an effort for you and your family, without ever fully committing to embracing responsibility.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 17-Jun-14 14:28:55

No, no and thrice no.

Fudgeface123 Tue 17-Jun-14 14:38:40

No no no no no no and i can't actually believe you're asking after all the advice you've had previously

Exsqueezemeplease Tue 17-Jun-14 14:40:12

I did ask not to be shouted at Fudgeface. In theory it sounds so easy. In practice it's hard.

Exsqueezemeplease Tue 17-Jun-14 14:41:05

I think I just need you lot to galvanise me. I know what I need to do.

D0oinMeCleanin Tue 17-Jun-14 14:44:23

The thought of leaving is hard, the actual leaving bit is easy peasy.

Just do it. I dithered for so long. I had every excuse in the book. In the end I just snapped after 1 final argument and thought "fuck it, living in a tent with no beds would be better than this" I was at CAB the very next morning and as it turns out there was no need for me to lend a tent from anyone grin

My only regret is waiting so long. I'm so happy now and focused on how to improve myself and my life, I could have been rich by now if I'd left 10 years ago wink grin

TippiShagpile Tue 17-Jun-14 14:45:01

No. And every day you stay with him is a day of your life wasted. You can do much better than this. Being on your own is better than this.

defineme Tue 17-Jun-14 14:46:50


DenzelWashington Tue 17-Jun-14 14:48:02

verbally abusive
hurts his children when cross

Surely it's easier to leave him than to stay with him?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 17-Jun-14 14:58:03

The drifting, workshy and threatening the family's financial security bit would have me out the door without a second glance.

Why would any sensible woman put up with such an irresponsible cocklodger? And that's not even compounding it with a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I don't understand it but do acknowledge that getting rid is a lot easier said than done.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 17-Jun-14 15:15:19

No. Because he will only get worse, not better. Each time he thinks that by turning on either a bit of niceness or a flood of tears, he will get to keep his feet under the table, the periods of niceness/remorse will get shorter and less convincing, while the drinking and aggression will increase.

He doesn't love you, or the children. THe only person whose feelings and wellbeing matter in his world is him. And there will be no changing him.

MyLatest Tue 17-Jun-14 15:18:31

No. Don't stay. You will be doing him a favour as well as your family. He has no incentive to change while you enable his drinking and his workshy attitude.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Tue 17-Jun-14 15:22:53

How do you define 'loving and supportive', exactly?

Because I'm confused... I would have thought that the actual definition of both of those words involved a degree of constancy.

Anyone can ACT 'loving' - as in, I assume he's being smiley, cuddly, happy, not shouting at you when issues that would normally 'set him off' crop up, hmm, maybe more sex, going along with your suggestions or decisions on things... yes? Is that loving? Well no, because the whole charade is made worse than meaningless by the fact that this time next week, he could have changed like the wind. No more loving. So it means... precisely NOTHING. Because the whole POINT of 'loving' is that it is something you can rely on. There through good and bad. Doesn't just make you feel good, it makes you feel SAFE. Strong. Cherished.

He isn't loving.

Exactly the same with supportive. What use, exactly, is 'support' that you know is likely to get switched off like a tap when he feels like it - probably when the going gets tough and you actually really NEED it? That's not support, it's playing/pretending at being supportive. Not the same thing.

Yes, leave him. He's not worth the shit on your shoe, frankly.

Doinmummy Tue 17-Jun-14 15:29:22

I remember your previous thread I think, you do really need to leave him.

PortofinoRevisited Tue 17-Jun-14 15:37:46


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