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Hopeless Mess, What Can I say?

(26 Posts)
HelpWhatCanISay Mon 16-Jun-14 16:11:01

I live with someone in a long dead and empty relationship that hasn't been right for over 8 years. We have two DC. He is an excellent dad and is supportive, but he lies, is unemotional, distant and selfish and he has hurt me very badly in the past. He is manipulative and cold. 8 years ago I found he had been using adult friend finder type websites, I have never been able to get over this. He lied for months, whilst I found yet more sites, more activity, until in the end, I withdrew and gave up trying. I simply existed for myself and the children, avoiding any contact with him.

9 months ago I met someone, I explained my situation honestly, I thought he would run, he didn’t. However he tells me he wants a proper relationship. He then met someone who could offer him this, but he can’t give me up. He wants to because he can see someone in this mess will get hurt, which is why he called it off, but he came back. I called it off a few weeks later because I have developed feelings for him and I can’t bare to share him, or for him to lie to anyone else. He seems to think he can’t have me, I am unavailable and then says I can do better than him anyway. The man I live with has a good job, we have a nice lifestyle but it’s empty. I am doing an MA full time but I will go back to work when this finishes. The new man, seems to think he has nothing to offer me, I don't care about that, I'm not after someone to look after me.

I need to talk to him, but how, what can I say. I want to know if we have any future, what his real intentions are. What can I expect? Having lived a sort of half life for nearly 18 years, I can’t seem to express myself where it comes to emotions. Please don’t tell me to leave the father of the DC, I can’t, I need to find the strength to get him to leave, and I will. I’m already looking into the financial situation. I am scared, but I can cope with that. I just can’t seem to be brave and start a conversation with the guy I am falling for? Guilt? Shame? Uncertainty? Fear? Sense that I don't deserve to be with him? I don't know?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Jun-14 16:23:51

"Please don’t tell me to leave the father of the DC, I can’t"

You're currently having an affair which unfortunately means you have lost the moral high ground. The OM sounds like a prize shit btw if he's trying to manipulate you into leaving by telling you that you've got competition... .hmm You cannot possibly pin all your hopes on making your partner leave you voluntarily. You don't seem to have that kind of influence and any plan you might have to drive him out would only make you as cruel as he sounds.

The right thing is to be honest, end the affair and end your current 'dead' relationship openly. Your partner can carry on being a great father through the medium of shared parenting and your poor DCs would finally be able to grow up outside of what must be a poisonous atmosphere.

When you end things set yourself up solo and experience independence for a while. Eight years of unhappiness does nothing for your sense of judgement. Anyone with a good line and a nice smile is going to look good at the moment and what you need from a partner now and what you will need in two or three years' time will be very different. Plus your DCs will need a little stability before embracing the idea of new partners.

Quitelikely Mon 16-Jun-14 16:30:14

How can you call him a good father when the relationship model that yous are setting your children is well, I dunno you work it out.

As for the OM I agree anything might seem attractive compared to what you have

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 16:30:27

What ?

You have this arse-ways about

End your dead marriage and spend some time on your own. What the hell are you playing at ? If this comes crashing down you will lose the respect of everyone ...your husband, your family, your kids. For what...? Some loser who is pissing a married woman around.

LEMmingaround Mon 16-Jun-14 16:33:12

What AF said - this guy is using you.

HelpWhatCanISay Mon 16-Jun-14 16:38:32

I refuse to leave because the DC would be hurt, I have done almost all the childcare from day one. The house is in both names but everything in it I have paid for or have inherited through my family. This is home. Plus my father lives here. So I can't go anywhere, and this is what DP relies upon, he doesn't need to be nice, he just refuses to leave. I will find a way to deal with this. There is no poisonous atmosphere. We used to argue but I gave that up when I stopped caring. Even my father said "Good on you, you deserve to be happy" when I told him I had met someone. He hates DP passionately and knows how much hurt he has caused me over the years.

OM, do you really think he is manipulating me by saying I have competition ? I do too actually, and I think you are right. But...I never thought I would feel this way about anyone. I never have and I am not going to walk away from it. I can't. I have been so unhappy in the past, he makes me happy.

HelpWhatCanISay Mon 16-Jun-14 16:42:58

You have this arse-ways about I know, but after living a sort of half life with one leg out the door for nearly 8 years, I couldn't predict meeting this person. I just did.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 16:54:27

OM isn't making you happy at all, or you wouldn't be posting here.

You would be better spending your time on attending counselling to build up your self esteem after years of an unhappy marriage than chasing after this dickhead.

And you should divorce your husband, you don't even like never mind love each other. He will be forced to live separately from you if you did that. Perhaps the lifestyle is more than you would be happy to forego though ? Your choice of course.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 16:55:44

"I just did" "We can't help ourselves" "You can't help who you fall in love with" "It just happened"

The refrain of cheaters everywhere. It gets old, tbh.

HelpWhatCanISay Mon 16-Jun-14 17:01:08

Ok, how can I convince DP to go? we are not married. I just want him to leave, act like an adult about it and continue to have a good relationship with his children. I do like him, I don't hate him, I don't love him and I don't trust him but I don't really want to hurt him either. He always says we can't afford two houses and refuses to budge. What can I do? I don't want lots of rows, we don't argue as long as I keep smiling and the children don't want to live in a war zone, so I keep quiet.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 17:02:57

Have you taken legal advice on how to split assets ? You may have to sell the house if he has a share in it.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 17:03:51

Or hey here's a novelty. Tell him you are shagging another man.

HelpWhatCanISay Mon 16-Jun-14 17:05:41

AnyFucker, I did tell him. He said "oh you will soon get over that anyway, and no I'm staying here"

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Jun-14 17:06:40

Exactly what AF has said.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 17:09:33

Then you will have to go down the legal route.

HelpWhatCanISay Mon 16-Jun-14 17:14:27

Can I force a house sale if one party says no?

I'm not going to end it with OM, because DP knows, what would I achieve apart from my own unhappiness.

magoria Mon 16-Jun-14 17:15:01

If you both own the house then you have to accept that may mean you have to sell the house or buy him out to get rid of him. If you do that now or in 5/10 years when the kids are older you will still have to do the same.

If you want him out then you seek legal advise and get him out through legal means.

If you were the one for OM he wouldn't be sniffing around other women at the same time. He likes that you are unavailable. He can have his cake, eat it and also romeo & juliet angst about it.

Forget OM

Sort your relationship out and be on your own for a while. Don't go from one may who may mess around with others to another man who is running you plus others already.

scarletforya Mon 16-Jun-14 17:16:09

He seems to think he can’t have me, I am unavailable and then says I can do better than him anyway

Op, this is him letting you down gently. If he wanted to be with you, he would. He's found someone else he prefers.

ElizaDolittle2 Mon 16-Jun-14 17:26:05

I'm afraid you can't 'get him to leave' unless you are divorced and finances are settled. He has as much right to be in the house as you do.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 17:28:04

They are not married, Eliza

HelpWhatCanISay Mon 16-Jun-14 17:28:39

I finished it with him, I left it three weeks and then sent a "hello" text, he rang four times before I could get to the phone. I didn't apologise, we talked about all sorts except us. I then wished him well. I left it another two weeks and then sent another text saying hi. He rang straight back. He doesn't even think about it. This time he asked when he could see me. I think he isn't "letting me down" well I don't think so, would be a strange way of doing so.

HelpWhatCanISay Mon 16-Jun-14 17:30:21

magoria, thank you. I am going to have to get some advice. Should I tell dp that is what I am doing, it might make him see sense, and realise I mean what I say.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 16-Jun-14 17:32:51

8 years of unhappiness has un-set your dickwad radar. Hitler could walk through your door tomorrow and spin you a few lines and a smile and you'd fall for it, stupid moustache and all. This isn't your fault, actually, but you need to know that's what's going on.

The OM is completely manipulating you and no doubt enjoying the drama.

Withdraw. Sort out your relationship (ie by ending it) then sort out your head (by spending some time on your own). Reset your BS filter. Your life can be happy again, but this isn't the way to go about it.

How do you see things in 5 years? You planning to move the OM in with your husband (who clearly isn't going anywhere unless you make him) and your Dad (who will probably be less supportive when he has to explain your menage a trois down the bowling club).

magoria Mon 16-Jun-14 17:33:05

It might but I wouldn't hold your breath.

He may even say he will go then delay and delay as he has not intention to.

Get the ball rolling.

The sooner you do, the sooner you can get out of this mess.


HelpWhatCanISay Mon 16-Jun-14 18:11:33

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett, you made me chuckle, I can't imagine coping with 6 men in this house! noooo. and yes you are right, I need to deal with this, and no I won't let OM near my home or DC for a long time, whatever happens. DCs don't need to know. The problem I have, is when I have tried to speak to DP, he starts shouting. Actually he worries me at times, which is why I find it so difficult to get things rolling.

magoria, right, shall book half hour with solicitor and get some advice. At least I shall feel that something is being done and I'm getting somewhere. I should say, I'll stop texting and talking to OM, I can't, won't, whatever and I don't want to. I'm seeing him end of week and want to talk to him seriously. Its fine if he says "do as you will, I don't want a proper relationship with you" I'll cope, better than limbo land at least.

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