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Can someone change?

(86 Posts)
sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 19:53:56

If in previous relationships a partner had cheated, manipulated, lied, threatened, made gf feel very frightened, got in her face, keyed her car, spat in gfs face, tried to suffocate gf with a pillow whilst she slept and got gf arrested, do you think he can change or will this behaviour slowly start creeping in?

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 22-Jun-14 07:59:11

His persistent chasing of you after you've said no IS awful. He didn't listen to you, he thinks he knows better than you. Be strong op...

PoundingTheStreets Sat 21-Jun-14 23:34:10

People can and do change. But those who do are a very small minority and it normally follows a significant, usually traumatic, life-changing event.

When it comes to abusers, it seems something like only 5% change following extended rehabilitation through perpetrator programmes.

A serial abuser who claims to have changed without any of those factors mentioned above is almost certainly guilty of wishful thinking at best and downright lies at worst. He has as much chance of having changed as I have at winning the lottery (which I don't play).

Telling you that he won't be like that with you or that you're 'different' is abuser tactics 101 I'm afraid - because it immediately sets up the idea that the presence of abuse is down to your behaviour, not his.

sweetassugarhardasnails Sat 21-Jun-14 17:44:11

The flowers didn't even come inside, I threw them straight in the bin. Had a couple of texts since which I have also ignored. I miss him which is stupid, I mean I miss the good stuff from before I knew who he really was. I have no intentions of texting him or anything, just feeling a bit sad about it all

theywillgrowup Fri 20-Jun-14 21:19:54

thats your opinion and yes it is a tad unhealthy but thats how i feel,and both didnt mind when they were both being abbussive to me and my children and also doing things to hurt us all,making sure that they turned up to places together where he knew we would be and there was no need for him to be there

so no i dont give a monkeys what she may go through,the same as i dont care what he may go through,but dont expect my view to feel for her,she was aware of him and his actions to a degree,thats her problem now and by accounts the first flush of romance is fading

what i do find difficult is that people will come up to you and tell me what their up to,im tired of this and now just as the person is about to tell me i tell them im not intrested and dont want to here about them,this has happened a few times,why do people feel the need to tell,its starting to work and now people are less likley to mention them to me,which i find much better
anyway enough of me back to you op smile

Wadingthroughsoup Fri 20-Jun-14 21:06:32

I can understand that being hurt can make us think irrationally, but wishing abuse on a subsequent gf is a really awful thing to say. I might be inclined to suggest counselling to anyone harbouring such feelings, because I don't think it's at all healthy.

My horrible ex went on to marry some poor woman. I still worry about her now, and I split up with him nearly 20 years ago.

OP, It was lovely of his ex to message you. I was given a warning about my ex but unfortunately didn't heed it at the time. I was in a nightclub with him when a woman I'd never seen before walked closed to me and hissed in my ear: 'Be careful. He hits women'. I followed her and asked her to clarify what she'd said. She told me she was a good friend of his ex, and that he'd been quite brutal towards her. Sadly, I was young and very naïve and the bf managed to convince me she was lying. (I should've questioned what possible motive she could have had in saying such a thing, unless it were true!)

Anyhow. I'm glad you've told him where to go. Ignore the flowers!

theywillgrowup Fri 20-Jun-14 20:49:43

I hope my ex doesnt change. And that his new gf gwts.treated the same way I did.

Brokenhearted, I understand you are in a bad place atm but that is a terrible thing to say

i kind of agree with the first quote,same happened to me in a abussive relationship for 6 years,had all the spitting in your face in public,hitting,strangleing,cheating etc etc

ended when i found him dating somebody from a dateing site while with me,she knew all about us,gossips have said he's changed i bloody hope not let her have the misery and minipulation i stupidly put up with

deep down i dont think they change just put on an act in the beginning,ive heard (my ex and gf) are always arguing in public now (he was a big drinker) as they have been together a year so he is showing his true colours,and yes i hope they make each other as miserable as possible

op dont feel bad about finishing it,one thing i can guarantee men like this find a replacement super fast if they havent already been playing about,that i will bet money on

but reading your post's i dont think you will finish it,and in a few months will be looking for advice again,leave him now while you still have strength before it's all sucked out of you

all the best

LumpySpacedPrincess Fri 20-Jun-14 19:58:17

Ignore ignore ignore. Stand firm. My ex sent me so many flowers that I can't stand them now.

sweetassugarhardasnails Fri 20-Jun-14 18:27:22

Just gone out to my car and found a big bunch of flowers on them, thought he had gone too quietly.

brokenhearted55a Wed 18-Jun-14 17:23:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sweetassugarhardasnails Wed 18-Jun-14 17:20:50

Thanks hellsbells. It feels that he is like teflon

sweetassugarhardasnails Wed 18-Jun-14 17:19:12

Brokenhearted, I understand you are in a bad place atm but that is a terrible thing to say

brokenhearted55a Wed 18-Jun-14 17:13:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 18-Jun-14 17:11:32

I'm glad you are cutting contact.
Just make sure you keep safe and dial 999 if you feel even slightly threatened by him.
If he does anything at all to you or your property report him.
How he has got away with so much is beyond me.
This man should be in prison.

wafflyversatile Wed 18-Jun-14 16:49:08

It's all about the spellcasters when it comes to spam these days.

bourgoin Wed 18-Jun-14 16:42:03

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thatslife72 Wed 18-Jun-14 15:51:06

Well done , though from experience it will become harder and if he continues the more likely hood of you replying or responding in some way! Keep strong sweet, you'll be fine and eventually meet someone better x

sweetassugarhardasnails Wed 18-Jun-14 14:46:31

Cut contact with him. I got a message earlier say "I need my queen back", I've ignored it. I'm feeling relived that I've cut contact. My best friend knows what is going on and is checking on me (calls, texts) to check that i'm okay.

Miggsie Tue 17-Jun-14 14:57:11

Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that?" explains very well how seemingly lovely, charming men can be extremely violent the minute you step out of line (generally by doing something they don't approve of). He has worked with abusive men for over 15 years - he reckons they rarely change, despite everything they say. And they have all told each GF they will be different with them.

If you read Lundy's book it will help you understand how even the most violent relationships start off just great - then you are sucked in and have made the emotional commitment the real violent, controlling person emerges and the persona of niceness fades.

Most abusive relationships start off just fine - also, there is no such thing as a lovely person who is occasionally horrible, there are only horrible people who cover it up for most of the time - until the facade slips.

Try disagreeing with him - see what he does.

Lundy's book lists a few of the trigger points.

AdoraBell Tue 17-Jun-14 14:54:20

Sweet the man you see is the facade he presents.

My father was a true gentleman, he really was, outside of the home. Everyone he met thought he was a good man, good husband, good father because that was his facade. At home he didn't need to need to keep up the pretence so that was where he used his fists, feet and on one ocasión a bottle.

Can you imagine explaining to your DCs why mummy's boy friend hits them? Or why Mummy is using make up To hide the bruises?

kaykayblue Tue 17-Jun-14 14:49:58

To the OP - I'm actually not surprised that you are struggling to put those actions to the man you thought you knew. If you've seen some of the other threads, even wives say the same thing about their abusive husbands. They experience hell at the hands of their husband, but because of the other times when he is charming/not trying to kill them, it's almost like their brains split the person into two.

It was really good of that woman to message you by the way. Did you thank her? It takes a lot of courage to do something like that, when there is always the possibility that the person you are trying to warn will turn on you.

Dump him NOW. His crows are coming home to roost. This is exactly the reason why women should do things like this - forewarn new girlfriends of abusive men so they have the opportunity to cut and run before they get hurt. Meanwhile abusive shitbags suddenly find that women are much less interested in being with him. Hmm funny that...

Thatslife72 Tue 17-Jun-14 10:19:33

Ohhhh sweet, I know were your coming from, be very careful.... I fell for a guy who was soooo charming I met him through a friend who said I've not known him that long but I don't know why he is single ! Anyway started to get to know him, he'd never been married, his mum was a selfish bitch apparently, he hated his sister his ex gf reported him to the police for abh, but she was apparently a liar, and a cheat, everyone had cheated on him etc etc, at first I was sympathetic with him as he seemed so charming, but my gut was hmmm run run now. I still remember him saying 'let me treat you how you should be treated' huh never forget that!

The red flags were there, told me he loved me very early on, talking about moving in, he seemed to care were I was about how my day was but it soon turned into controlling abusive behaviour, yet it turned out he was the one who was chatting to other women arranging to meet them, so he was the liar, he was abusive angry and all the things you don't want in a man. I pussy footed around tried to get rid of him gently it didn't work, I was constantly in tears in the end due to his behaviour. He threatened me, he threatened my children, it took police and the domestic violence team to get rid of him in the end and that was not easy cos at first they did very little! I really thought he was gong to kill me!!!! It was the relationship from hell, The worst relationship ever and the worst year of my life. I wish I listened to my gut which was run for the hills, I posted on here a few times, people told me to run but in the end it was down to me. Listen to your gut sweet it's usually spot on!! I've learned to listen to my gut now, I was right right from the start but I thought stupidly I would give him a chance and even help him to yes we've all been an idiot at some point !!!

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 17-Jun-14 09:51:55

Poor you. I'm glad its only been 6 months and that he hasn't spent time with your kids. That must make it easier to untangle, I imagine.

Stay strong. His violence - but "I wouldn't do it to you" is really off the scale and you would never, ever be able to relax around him.

Hope you are ok.

sweetassugarhardasnails Tue 17-Jun-14 09:45:03

Tortoise, I think my problem is I'm finding it hard to put these behaviours with the man in front of me. When you say attempted murder, I know you're right and I know that's exactly what it is, i'm just struggling to process it.

Forumdonkey, his ex sent my a message on fb and I confronted him about it and he admitted it all and told me about the other stuff too.

I'm not sure Claire's Law would be any good because none of his previous partners have reported him.

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 07:46:02

Fair point.

forumdonkey Tue 17-Jun-14 07:36:52

I'm just wondering how you found out OP. If he has admitted or disclosed any of the things he's done, you can bet it was far worse than he's actually telling you. Abusers will always rewrite history, justify and minimise. You need to get away from this man quickly he's dangerous and can you also use Claires Law?

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