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Can someone change?

(86 Posts)
sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 19:53:56

If in previous relationships a partner had cheated, manipulated, lied, threatened, made gf feel very frightened, got in her face, keyed her car, spat in gfs face, tried to suffocate gf with a pillow whilst she slept and got gf arrested, do you think he can change or will this behaviour slowly start creeping in?

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 16-Jun-14 09:14:03

I presumed you've only recently found out and you are reeling from it - so you are certainly not an idiot.

Knowing what you know, it wouldn't be a sensible thing to stay with him. I hope you split up as soon as possible.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 09:15:38

Well, love, you would be an idiot to carry on seeing him. Are you going to do that ?

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 16-Jun-14 09:21:52

How involved with him are you? I think the very fact that you are thinking of backing away slowly and carefully tells you everything you need to know. On some level he scares you. Just stop seeing him, tell him that his past scares you. Then cut off all communication.

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 16-Jun-14 09:22:55

he's now done the "I'd never do it to you" line

Agree with others that that is a terrible thing to say - I suppose its designed to make you feel special and superior, "Ooh darlin' I love you more than I ever loved them." But it also says, "Those other women were bitches who deserved it."

sweetassugarhardasnails Mon 16-Jun-14 09:40:16

Yes John, so it's still raw and I'm finding it hard to put the guy I though I knew to all this behaviour. But then I know that's typically behaviour and my gut feelings something was off were right.

No AnyFucker, I have no intention of carrying on seeing him.

Lumpy, I've been becoming more involved with him, before all this came out we were talking about having a weekend away together etc. I've back off now and he keeps messaging me saying "I love you".

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 16-Jun-14 12:44:06

Sweetsugar, I think his repeatedly saying "I love you" is to perhaps manipulate you into saying it back. Please do not say it. Once you do, it will be used against in "you said you loved me <pout pout pout> you would if you loved me" <anger escalates>.

He told you who he is, you are listening and acting on it. You are not an idiot. To be swayed by the little boy act of love declarations, <any seduction bait "wouldn't do it to you"> would cross the line, as AnyFucker said.

Thinking of you, good luck.

AdoraBell Mon 16-Jun-14 12:58:00

Not an idiot at all.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 16-Jun-14 13:00:14

You can bet your ass he said "I would never do it to you" to the last one as well, and possibly the one before that. Then one day when he did do it to you, he would say, in fury and contempt, "you're just like all the others". (For which read, human being with natural flaws and your own point of view.) Maybe the women he previously dated were universally ghastly, but that does not excuse his behaviour. It's the fact that he's the kind of person who believes this kind of response can ever be justified that is the problem.

Anyway, I don't need to belabour the point, you've done the sensible thing.



Tortoiseonthehalfshell Tue 17-Jun-14 01:55:20

Sorry, sweetassugar. I know you only just found out his history. But honestly, genuinely. Would an attempted murderer not be a deal-breaker even if you could guarantee that he wouldn't do it again? There is so little societal punishment for DV perpetrators out there. It's mind blowing.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Tue 17-Jun-14 01:57:44

I mean, I think I'm talking not just to you, but to everyone who is focusing on the question of whether he'd do it again or not. It doesn't matter! The guy has admitted that he tried to kill his girlfriend and undertook a serious course of physical intimidation and criminal property damage!

And not one person has said, hey, why don't you report this to the police?

What the actual fuck does someone have to do to a woman to experience consequences?

forumdonkey Tue 17-Jun-14 07:36:52

I'm just wondering how you found out OP. If he has admitted or disclosed any of the things he's done, you can bet it was far worse than he's actually telling you. Abusers will always rewrite history, justify and minimise. You need to get away from this man quickly he's dangerous and can you also use Claires Law?

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 07:46:02

Fair point.

sweetassugarhardasnails Tue 17-Jun-14 09:45:03

Tortoise, I think my problem is I'm finding it hard to put these behaviours with the man in front of me. When you say attempted murder, I know you're right and I know that's exactly what it is, i'm just struggling to process it.

Forumdonkey, his ex sent my a message on fb and I confronted him about it and he admitted it all and told me about the other stuff too.

I'm not sure Claire's Law would be any good because none of his previous partners have reported him.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 17-Jun-14 09:51:55

Poor you. I'm glad its only been 6 months and that he hasn't spent time with your kids. That must make it easier to untangle, I imagine.

Stay strong. His violence - but "I wouldn't do it to you" is really off the scale and you would never, ever be able to relax around him.

Hope you are ok.

Thatslife72 Tue 17-Jun-14 10:19:33

Ohhhh sweet, I know were your coming from, be very careful.... I fell for a guy who was soooo charming I met him through a friend who said I've not known him that long but I don't know why he is single ! Anyway started to get to know him, he'd never been married, his mum was a selfish bitch apparently, he hated his sister his ex gf reported him to the police for abh, but she was apparently a liar, and a cheat, everyone had cheated on him etc etc, at first I was sympathetic with him as he seemed so charming, but my gut was hmmm run run now. I still remember him saying 'let me treat you how you should be treated' huh never forget that!

The red flags were there, told me he loved me very early on, talking about moving in, he seemed to care were I was about how my day was but it soon turned into controlling abusive behaviour, yet it turned out he was the one who was chatting to other women arranging to meet them, so he was the liar, he was abusive angry and all the things you don't want in a man. I pussy footed around tried to get rid of him gently it didn't work, I was constantly in tears in the end due to his behaviour. He threatened me, he threatened my children, it took police and the domestic violence team to get rid of him in the end and that was not easy cos at first they did very little! I really thought he was gong to kill me!!!! It was the relationship from hell, The worst relationship ever and the worst year of my life. I wish I listened to my gut which was run for the hills, I posted on here a few times, people told me to run but in the end it was down to me. Listen to your gut sweet it's usually spot on!! I've learned to listen to my gut now, I was right right from the start but I thought stupidly I would give him a chance and even help him to yes we've all been an idiot at some point !!!

kaykayblue Tue 17-Jun-14 14:49:58

To the OP - I'm actually not surprised that you are struggling to put those actions to the man you thought you knew. If you've seen some of the other threads, even wives say the same thing about their abusive husbands. They experience hell at the hands of their husband, but because of the other times when he is charming/not trying to kill them, it's almost like their brains split the person into two.

It was really good of that woman to message you by the way. Did you thank her? It takes a lot of courage to do something like that, when there is always the possibility that the person you are trying to warn will turn on you.

Dump him NOW. His crows are coming home to roost. This is exactly the reason why women should do things like this - forewarn new girlfriends of abusive men so they have the opportunity to cut and run before they get hurt. Meanwhile abusive shitbags suddenly find that women are much less interested in being with him. Hmm funny that...

AdoraBell Tue 17-Jun-14 14:54:20

Sweet the man you see is the facade he presents.

My father was a true gentleman, he really was, outside of the home. Everyone he met thought he was a good man, good husband, good father because that was his facade. At home he didn't need to need to keep up the pretence so that was where he used his fists, feet and on one ocasión a bottle.

Can you imagine explaining to your DCs why mummy's boy friend hits them? Or why Mummy is using make up To hide the bruises?

Miggsie Tue 17-Jun-14 14:57:11

Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that?" explains very well how seemingly lovely, charming men can be extremely violent the minute you step out of line (generally by doing something they don't approve of). He has worked with abusive men for over 15 years - he reckons they rarely change, despite everything they say. And they have all told each GF they will be different with them.

If you read Lundy's book it will help you understand how even the most violent relationships start off just great - then you are sucked in and have made the emotional commitment the real violent, controlling person emerges and the persona of niceness fades.

Most abusive relationships start off just fine - also, there is no such thing as a lovely person who is occasionally horrible, there are only horrible people who cover it up for most of the time - until the facade slips.

Try disagreeing with him - see what he does.

Lundy's book lists a few of the trigger points.

sweetassugarhardasnails Wed 18-Jun-14 14:46:31

Cut contact with him. I got a message earlier say "I need my queen back", I've ignored it. I'm feeling relived that I've cut contact. My best friend knows what is going on and is checking on me (calls, texts) to check that i'm okay.

Thatslife72 Wed 18-Jun-14 15:51:06

Well done , though from experience it will become harder and if he continues the more likely hood of you replying or responding in some way! Keep strong sweet, you'll be fine and eventually meet someone better x

bourgoin Wed 18-Jun-14 16:42:03

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wafflyversatile Wed 18-Jun-14 16:49:08

It's all about the spellcasters when it comes to spam these days.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 18-Jun-14 17:11:32

I'm glad you are cutting contact.
Just make sure you keep safe and dial 999 if you feel even slightly threatened by him.
If he does anything at all to you or your property report him.
How he has got away with so much is beyond me.
This man should be in prison.

brokenhearted55a Wed 18-Jun-14 17:13:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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