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Can someone change?

(86 Posts)
sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 19:53:56

If in previous relationships a partner had cheated, manipulated, lied, threatened, made gf feel very frightened, got in her face, keyed her car, spat in gfs face, tried to suffocate gf with a pillow whilst she slept and got gf arrested, do you think he can change or will this behaviour slowly start creeping in?

sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 20:24:12

adorabell do you really think there is that level of risk?

sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 20:25:20

I'm thinking carefully and slowly so it does trigger anything, maybe i'm wrong?

Nope, nothing at all, just uber charming

sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 20:25:54


AnyFucker Sun 15-Jun-14 20:25:59

OP, you are asking adora why she thinks you need to take such precautions and yet you think you need to walk away "slowly and carefully"

Which is it ?

sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 20:29:30

Because in my eyes involving wa and police is serious whereas slowly drifting out of his life makes sense to me to avoid any conflict

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 15-Jun-14 20:30:23

"I just needed some clarity to tell me that I'm not being harsh to walk away. My head is telling me to run but he is very very charming (unsuprisingly)"

You will not be harsh to walk away, whatever made you even possibly think otherwise. Listen to the brain in your head, the heart has no brain.

If you yourself have rescuer and or saving tendencies when it comes to relationships, rethink your whole approach to them. As you have already been involved with him on some level I would consider doing Womens Aid Freedom Programme so you do not go on in future to hook up with the same or a different type of abuser again.

Charming men can make for being dangerous lovers and given this bloke's relationship history as well he is red flag central. You will not be the one to change him!!!. Those women all thought that and look what happened to them.

Also you may not realise this but such men often really hate women, all of them.

AnyFucker Sun 15-Jun-14 20:30:38

Well, some of his past behaviour towards women has been pretty "serious" hasn't it ?

Actifizz Sun 15-Jun-14 20:33:30

You don't need to engage in any drifting or game playing. You need to get away very fast before he has any opportunity to entrap you further.

Wadingthroughsoup Sun 15-Jun-14 20:41:11

Extract yourself, asap. Tell him you don't want to see him anymore and then block his number. He sounds very dangerous.

wafflyversatile Sun 15-Jun-14 20:43:24

Women's Aid essentially specialise in how best to extricate oneself from an abusive relationship. contacting them for advice is a good idea.

43percentburnt Sun 15-Jun-14 21:02:04

Sweet run now and do not look back. Text him and tell him it's not the right time in your life for a relationship. Then delete him, including off Facebook etc etc.

hollycomputer Sun 15-Jun-14 21:09:14

Gosh no. Avoid avoid avoid. If someone I'd just started seeing told me they'd done that, I'd think they were testing me to see if they could behave that way with me. I'd run a mile.

Quitelikely Sun 15-Jun-14 21:10:54

I hope you don't let your children near him!

sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 21:13:14

Thanks everyone.

Noooo, my children don't see him!!

cozietoesie Sun 15-Jun-14 22:22:15

I believe, in theory, that people should be capable of change if they have sufficient motivation. I've just never met one who has.

AdoraBell Sun 15-Jun-14 23:42:33

It seems to me that you are already afraid. Because of your wording re ending it. That makes me think you should not end it without telling people who can help you if he turns nasty when you do end it.

Selks Sun 15-Jun-14 23:45:51

Jeez, get away from this guy ASAP.

Quitelikely Sun 15-Jun-14 23:51:48

How long have you been seeing him? I hope he hasn't charmed you already. Honestly this is not good behaviour to have around your children. Believe me when I say you'll be next in line for the treatment you have described in your opening post.

A pillow over the head? No doubt he has a criminal record. Do the w

Quitelikely Sun 15-Jun-14 23:52:56

Do these women have his kids? No doubt social services have been involved with all the DV.

I wonder if you're in too deep already? Do you love him?

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 15-Jun-14 23:59:41

Imho, I think there is too much at risk to leave to wondering whether or not he has had a personality transplant will be civil and non-violent.

Please understand that any rebuttal to your decision is not about you. He will say anything, guilt you, shame you, manipulate you, promise you the universe, to reel you in. It is a tactic for nothing more than for him to win.

Don't complain, don't explain, and certainly don't apologize.

Zazzles007 Mon 16-Jun-14 00:12:02

I doubt very much that the person you described can change, especially if he has not done any work on himself. The transgressions you describe are really very serious red flags. If you have been backing out of the relationship, then keep on backing out, until you have headed for the hills!

sweetassugarhardasnails Mon 16-Jun-14 07:53:34

Two previous partners have children with him, no SS involvement and no criminal record.

I've been seeing him for about six months, i'm not sure if I love him (yes I know that's stupid I shouldn't have feelings for someone like this)

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 16-Jun-14 08:00:47

He tried to MURDER his ex, and you have been seeing him for six months? This is even a question?

What, out of interest, would someone have to do to make you sure he was less than ideal? If TRYING TO MURDER A PARTNER doesn't get him over the line? Tbh, even if he could'd still be dating someone who ATTEMPTED MURDER.

Fucks sake, no wonder people do this shit, if they can disclose it and still have people wondering if dumping might be a bit extreme.

kaykayblue Mon 16-Jun-14 08:34:36

No they can't. They can change on the short term to try and win someone over or get someone back, but in the long run? No.

Also I find it outrageous that he dared to say "oh I would never do it to you". Firstly, yeah right. And secondly, as if you are going to want to date someone who treated so many other women like utter shit!

Men like that should be put on some sort of "fucking douchebag" register.

Leave, but be careful. He clearly has a screw loose. Make sure you always meet in public places from now on with people around you. Tell him - kindly if at all possible - that you aren't comfortable being with someone who has treated other women so badly, and you aren't willing to take the risk. Be polite but firm and wish him luck addressing his issues.

If he starts harrassing you, never reply to any messages and go straight to the police. It sounds like they might already have him on file anyway.

sweetassugarhardasnails Mon 16-Jun-14 09:08:56

Clearly I'm an idiot then

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