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Can someone change?

(86 Posts)
sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 19:53:56

If in previous relationships a partner had cheated, manipulated, lied, threatened, made gf feel very frightened, got in her face, keyed her car, spat in gfs face, tried to suffocate gf with a pillow whilst she slept and got gf arrested, do you think he can change or will this behaviour slowly start creeping in?

sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 19:54:54

* and drove into GF's change on purpose after an argument.

WildBillfemale Sun 15-Jun-14 19:56:22

Probably someone worth avoiding....

wyrdyBird Sun 15-Jun-14 19:56:36

That is extreme behaviour. I wouldn't consider taking the risk for two seconds.

Pinter Sun 15-Jun-14 19:57:02

It depends if they did any work on themselves to address their issues. And even then it would be a big day Approach With Caution

What does your instinct tell you?

sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 19:58:40

He's done no work at all but acknowledges that his behaviour is vile.

Honestly, my gut feeling atm is that he can't change

sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 20:00:25

Sorry to drip feed, should have added this behaviour wasn't with one GF but several

MrsKCastle Sun 15-Jun-14 20:00:44

I would like to think that some people can change.. a determined few.

But... There is no way on earth that I'd be willing to take the risk with what you describe. I imagine things would be lovely and rosy for a while, maybe a long while. But I think I would always be watching a person like that, wondering if I'd annoyed them, wondering when it would start.

AnyFucker Sun 15-Jun-14 20:01:07

In this circumstance ? No.

Why do you ask ?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 15-Jun-14 20:03:42

Past behaviour is actually a very good indicator of future behaviours. Bad boys are just that, bad.

Why do you even think that such a character can change?. You're going to love him better?!. I suppose all those other women thought they could make him a better person too, they were all wrong. He will treat you the same.

Do not do that to yourself, please. He has more red flags about him than at a Communist Party meeting.

sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 20:06:52

Because i've been seen this guy, gut feeling was something wasn't right, too quick to say I love you, talking about future etc, all the red flags, his history came to light and I backed off and he's now done the "I'd never do it to you" line and I just needed some clarity to tell me that I'm not being harsh to walk away. My head is telling me to run but he is very very charming (unsuprisingly)

meditrina Sun 15-Jun-14 20:09:01

I wouldn't go near this.

If someone behaved like a shit in their 20s, but was now in their 40s with unexceptional life in between, then maybe change has bedded in.

But repeated behaviour as you describe - no way. How can you sleep peacefully next to someone with form for attempted smothering?

shoppingfrenzy Sun 15-Jun-14 20:09:51

Run. As fast as you can.

irrationalme Sun 15-Jun-14 20:10:18


AdoraBell Sun 15-Jun-14 20:10:43

How many ex GFs have heard that line? I bet they all drove him to it, all knew exactly how to wind him up blah blah, blah.

Trust your gut, it's telling you the truth.

Hassled Sun 15-Jun-14 20:11:21

Bloody hell - run like the wind. Life is too short to take the risk. Just run.

whitesugar Sun 15-Jun-14 20:13:08

Honestly Sweet, his behaviour will definitely not change. Don't spend any time agonising over it, it will not change and deep down you know it. Just like I knew it when I heard the history and hoped against the odds that he would change. You will get the same treatment, it is jsut a matter of time, trust me. Look after yourself! I hope you will post to say you have got out of this situation because you are worth so so much more. Best of luck. Get the hell away from him as soon as you can.

VitoCorleone Sun 15-Jun-14 20:14:37

Avoid like the plague

sweetassugarhardasnails Sun 15-Jun-14 20:15:52

Thank you all, I knew you'd say this. Just when your in the midst of it it becomes so foggy you start to doubt that gut feeling. I will walk, just slowly and carefully.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Sun 15-Jun-14 20:17:18

Yes. Just walk.

MrsKCastle Sun 15-Jun-14 20:19:47

Your instinct is spot on.

As for the 'but I'd never do it to you' line... Yeah, right.

He said that to all his previous gfs as well.

AdoraBell Sun 15-Jun-14 20:20:24

Tell friends and family too that you need to slowly extricate yourself. Might be worth talking to WA or police DV department.

whitesugar Sun 15-Jun-14 20:20:33

Charming = dangerous! Please put yourself first and get as far away from him as you can. Picture yourself in a year's years clawing your way back to normality after he has ruined your life - read your words, spat in gf face, tried to suffocate her - this will happen to you. There are lots of men out there who would never ever ever do this to their gf. Don't treat yourself so badly to put up with this.

angryangryyoungwoman Sun 15-Jun-14 20:23:07

Another one saying no, don't risk it. Not worth the risk.

AnyFucker Sun 15-Jun-14 20:23:54

Why do you need to walk "carefully" ? Why "slowly" ? It would be best if you ended it, full stop, immediately.

Has he been threatening towards you already ?

Just tell him you are no longer interested and mean it. If he kicks off, call the police.

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