Putting the pub first

[PerfectlyPosed]

DP and I have been together nearly 7 years and have just bought a house together. I have also recently found out I am pregnant. Not planned but happy about it.

DP works very hard 6 days a week and is, therefore, out drinking every Saturday night without fail. He gets very, very drunk and often is quite nasty to me when he gets in. I have even recorded some of these conversations in the past but he refuses to listen to them and denies that he has done anything wrong.

This morning I woke up in a foul mood and was looking for an argument from the start. I've admitted that and apologised to him which he seemed to accept. He desperately wanted to play in a darts tournament this afternoon (using the only day off of the week argument as always) which I was happy for him to go to and said that it was probably for the best given my mood. He agreed he would play until he was knocked out and then bring me a takeaway. He left before 2pm.

I've just phoned to find out a rough idea of his home time and it turns out he never got as far as the darts tournament and has no intention of coming home anytime soon. He said he couldn't bear to spend the day with me today and I deserved to be left to stew.

I'm really reaching the end of my tether. I feel like I never come first and I don't know how I can ever change that. I'm terrified that I am going to be bringing up this baby by myself. I love him very much but feel like I'll never be enough for him. His dad is a heavy drinker too and his mum just puts up with it and always has done. I don't want to be the sort if wife that has dinner waiting on the table for him not to show up.

Any advice welcome and thanks for reading

[petalsandstars]

Other posters will be along I'm sure but it seems like he may be an alcoholic and abusive to boot. Not how I would like to spend the rest of my life with someone.

[Dirtymistress]

I would run for the hills if I were you. Unless some miracle happens, you will be raising this child by yourself anyway. I say this as someone who was married to an alcoholic for a very long time. I thought I could change him, idiot that I was.

[expatinscotland]

An abusive alcoholic. I would leave now.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

How long have you been together now?.

Why have you put up with such bad behaviours from him every Saturday?. Why have you actually not left?.

Do you really want to bring up a child within such a corrosive environment?. If he is all too willing to walk out now, what is he going to be like when your child is born?. Such men do not change.

I would start planning life without him in it day to day because he is putting alcohol first. Like father, like son in his case; alcoholism can be learnt and you do NOT want to repeat the mistakes that your DPs mother has made. If you truly do not want that for yourself then you will have to make a new life for yourself. His primary relationship is likely now with drink; its certainly not with you or your as yet unborn child.

[PerfectlyPosed]

Whenever I've suggested that he might have a problem with alcohol, he's argued the fact that it's only every Saturday nights and these days most Sundays. It wasn't that long ago that I was the same. The problem is, I've grown out of it and he hasn't. I just wish there could be a compromise. I suggested today that he drove to the tournament and he laughed like that was the craziest thing I could have said.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

What they said up there ^

[Gfplux]

So sad to hear your problems. Perhaps your other half was happy before buying the house together and now, so soon afterwards finds he is going to be (an unplanned) father.
Sounds to me that he has slept walked into deep commitments with you and has woken up and does not like where he finds himself.
Hopefully he will get more comfortable with the situation and calm down.

[PerfectlyPosed]

We've been together nearly 7 years. He got really bad at one point and we split for a short time. But then we got back together and I was convinced he had changed. And he truly had until the past 3 or 4 weeks. I have no problem with him going to the pub. I love Sundays to myself watching trashy films but I just wish he could think of me at some point. It's like he doesn't want to spend time with me. When I say that's how I feel, he'll say that I've been difficult to be around all week and he can't be around me.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What made you split up initially?.

You were convinced that he had changed (that old chestnut); what did you actually base that on and how long were you actually apart?. Given his background as well it was not too far off to assume that like father, like son here. Such men also can only keep up an act for just enough time to hook the woman back in; the mask slips eventually.

If this man is indeed alcohol dependent then he should not be drinking alcohol at all. His primary relationship is not with you, its with drink and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

You were wrong back then and if you think about it you may well come to realise that he has not changed at all; he is still at heart the same selfish and entitled person. Would you want your child to be also raised by such an individual?.

Re his comment to you:-
"When I say that's how I feel, he'll say that I've been difficult to be around all week and he can't be around me".

Its a lot of old bullcrap he is spouting here; apart from anything else he is working six days a week (well currently because he seems to be able to hold down a job at present) so how much time does he realistically spend with you anyway?. The one day he is not working is spent drinking. Apart from anything else he is blaming you for his choices and that is always a bad sign.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours is he meeting?.

Are you named on both the mortgage and title deeds of this property?.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Another mumsnetter (AF) often quotes this from Mary Angelou:-

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them'.

[PerfectlyPosed]

This exact situation was the reason we split before. We were apart for about 3 months and it was me that got back in touch with him. And for a while, he probably had changed. Saturday nights were still a given but then I was out most of the time as well. But Sundays were our day and we would decide together what we were going to do. Now, even if we decide on something we are going to do on the Sunday, I don't get my hopes up as I know it probably won't materialise.

We obviously spend most evenings during the week together and he think that constitutes a proper relationship but, to me, it's not enough. I want to feel wanted.

Yes, everything is split down the middle.

[newnamesamegame]

As someone who has been living with a similar situation for several years and is now in the process of kicking out my H all I can say is I bitterly regret not having done it when my DD was a baby too young to really get to know her father.

She is now 3 and has a relationship with him and will be devastated when he leaves. I still think on balance this is better than waiting another five/ten years to do it and am convinced we will be OK, but please, please, do it now while your unborn child has a chance not to be affected by it.

My H was always a drinker and before I got pregnant I convinced myself it would calm down once we had a child and in fact it has escalated significantly, as it generally does.

Unless your H is prepared to concede that a) you have cause to be upset b) he has a problem with drink and c) this environment will not be conducive to bringing up a child, then you don't have a hope of resolving it.

Children make a relationship ten times more stressful than one without. The kinds of problems you are experiencing now will be signficantly magnified. Unless he is prepared to do a lot of work on himself its not going to work.

Sorry to be harsh, but there's no point sugar-coating it.

[PerfectlyPosed]

I completely understand what you're saying and I really appreciate it but I don't WANT to bring up my baby by myself. I have a terrible relations with my dad as he wasn't around when I was younger and I wouldn't want my child to do that.

It's such a mess and I'm starting to wish I wasn't pregnant (obviously I'm not because I am happy I'm pregnant) as it would make it so much easier to walk away

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"This exact situation was the reason we split before. We were apart for about 3 months and it was me that got back in touch with him. And for a while, he probably had changed"

Why did you get back in touch with him?. I think you need to ask yourself that awkward question.

Why did you think he had changed, you were not with him during the split so you do not really know that he did not spend most or all of his spare time drinking. He still drank on Saturdays and that has not changed even now.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

Do you really want to bring up a child within such a what is already turning out to be a corrosive environment?. He cannot and will not make you feel wanted, that is just not in him because he has other priorities. If he can also lie to you with a straight face and walk out so readily what makes you think he could ever step up as a long term partner to you or act as an even half decent father to your child?. You and he would be better off apart; its not working and the same old problems that caused your initial split are resurfacing again.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I completely understand what you're saying and I really appreciate it but I don't WANT to bring up my baby by myself. I have a terrible relations with my dad as he wasn't around when I was younger and I wouldn't want my child to do that".

You may well have to bring up the baby by yourself, I cannot see him being at all helpful to you in the long run. Can you actually see this man being any sort of decent father to your child if he can and is treating the mother of his unborn child with such open contempt now?.

History does not have to repeat itself. If you stay with this man you will basically deny yourself the very real chance of actually meeting someone who will treat you properly. Your child would not thank you for staying with such a man if he is indeed a drunkard and will ask of you why you put this man before him/her. That child and you frankly deserve better.

[PerfectlyPosed]

I was ill and feeling sorry for myself so I called him and then one thing led to another and we got back together. From what I gather, he did cut down on the drinking a lot when we were apart. I know what I need to do but i have always struggled with the idea of being alone especially as this time will be with the responsibility of a baby.

[PerfectlyPosed]

Thank you, I know you're all right. I will start making arrangements tomorrow. Think I will go stay somewhere else tonight (my friend is on holiday and I have her keys) as don't have the energy for a row when he does eventually show up.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

You're about to have a baby. With a man who is verbally abusive to you, gets wasted every Saturday without fail then fucks off to the pub on Sundays after telling you you are bad company.
Please believe me, as someone who has actually had a baby and knows what the newborn time is like, this will get a million times worse. You simply can't bring a baby into this. You are very high risk for post natal depression saddled with a 'coparent' like this and it will honestly be a living hell. Every time you ask him for any bit of help it will be 'but I work hard' 'but I deserve this night out' 'you're so boring/a nag/obsessed with the baby I have to escape to the pub'
Please start planning to be a single parent now.

[PerfectlyPosed]

I guess I've grown up over the years in the hope that he would follow and he hasn't. He still gets as drunk as he did when we first met when we were 21!

I have a massive support network so know I will manage without him. Worried about what my mum will say. She is a Christian and wasn't best pleased that we were having a baby when not married in the first place.

[AnyFucker]

OP, I am sorry, but I think your partner simply doesn't want to be with you

Make those plans accordingly. You will be a fantastic mum, with or without him as a full time partner

Make sure now that he fulfils his obligations to his child, but write him off as a romantic partner. Your energies should now be focussed on nurturing yourself and your child x

[newnamesamegame]

OP I do totally understand because I have been doing the same thing for three years. The last thing I have wanted is to bring up a child alone or to break up the family.

But there comes a point and you may not have reached it yet when you have to concede that single motherhood will be better than the status quo. No one can push you to that point and if you're not ready you're not ready. But I promise you it will be easier now than a few years down the line.

Far, far better for a child to grow up with a loving, capable and conscientious mother and father not immediately around than with an abusive alcoholic in the house and a horrible environment.

[PerfectlyPosed]

I honestly do think he loves me. He says it often enough. I just think he's frightened of growing up. I could handle that before to a point but he has a responsibility now and I don't think he's capable of stepping up to the plate. But what happens now? How much would I have to share the baby? And is that from day one or can I wait until it's a bit older? I love his mum to pieces and she was part of the reason I got back in touch before and I know she will want to be very involved.

[43percentburnt]

Well it's best to organise a friend or relative as a birthing partner. He doesn't have to be there, in fact as giving birth is highly emotive I would not want an ex there personally. When baby is born if you are breastfeeding you will need to be near baby 24/7 to start with.

I suggest you share your concerns about his alcohol consumption with your midwife explaining that is why you have left him as it is unsuitable for a child to witness.

You are doing the right thing op, it may not feel like it, but as a pp said you are heading for pnd as his attitude will suck when sleepless nights, crying babies and more housework enter the equation. Get yourself sorted pre baby being born.

[3littlefrogs]

How have you tolerated him for 7 years?
I am sorry but there is no way on earth I would stay with a man like this, let alone buy a house and have a baby with him.
He will only get worse, not better.

[PerfectlyPosed]

He hasn't been like this for 7 years. As I said, I used to drink a fair bit myself but it changed and he hasn't. Unfortunately, we live in a small town where there's not much else to do than go to the pub (apparently).

And I work pretty hard myself. I commute an hour each way everyday. I leave the house before him most mornings and get home after him. And although I don't work weekends I do spend most Saturdays doing housework.

I love him so much and thought he would be a great dad. But I can't take that risk. He could change but there is every possibility that he won't, his dad is proof of that. I just wish I'd worked this out before I'd got myself into this situation. I'm terrified of being on my own but know it is better in the long run.