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Husband has been having an affair with work colleague 21 years his junior

(120 Posts)
MrsGPie01252 Sun 15-Jun-14 06:31:06

I found out a week before my 40th party. He had become increasingly unhappy at home and had cited work stress, etc. but he also became more insular and picked on me about every little thing. He hadn't initiated sex in a few weeks and then when i did... couldn't perform. That was a week before our family holiday where he remained very distant. Upon return, I found a message and confronted him.

Well the weeks that have followed have been a blur! I spent two weeks trying to save our marriage (following advice from his parents, etc) with underwhelming response from him! Eventually found another message and threw him out. Since then he took two weeks off work to repair his marriage but spent 1 week in a spa having massages and the other in hotel. He never asked to see me once! The one time I did meet him it soon became pretty obvious from our conversations that he was still seeing / in contact with her.

I even arranged for him to come round on his birthday at 6.30am do the kids could give him his presents in bed like we always do! He has continued his affair brazenly! Locally (even though she 'a not local) in bars restaurants. He took her to Paris and smart hotels in the new forest! She is 23 he is 44! Lied about EVERYTHING!!! He's using OUR money and kids money to entertain this child! And... There is NO future in this infatuation! He is rescuing her from the ghetto as her sugar daddy! Oh.. Did I mention the Porshe he just went out and bought in Feb?

Meanwhile, my heartbreaks every day for the loss of what was an AMAZING family! He has not stopped lying, but not just to me to everybody! Friends. He tells different people different things depending on who they are and what he thinks they want to hear. He even showed two of our friends a picture of her (gloating!!!). I even went to his very local hotel to see him with DS and he was sat with her in the bar!!!! How devastating for DS?? And my DD who is 12 is so upset and angry with him and wants to harm the girl.

We are living in rented while we develop our house and are supposed to be moving back in in August and now he wants to come home!!! And he wants to come on our annual holiday!!! But he hasn't finished it yet. He said he was doing it last night. I don't believe a word he says and nr will I ever again! This man lied from the day I met him 16.5 years ago and aged 44 he's still lying every day. How sad is that?

I found a really good quote that said "the test of a woman's loyalty is when her man has nothing and the test of a mans loyalty is when he has everything". He had everything!

gottachangethename1 Sun 15-Jun-14 06:48:10

So sorry for what you're going through. No advice, but the wonderful posters on here will soon be along with words if wisdom. Do you have someone in rl to turn to?

dollius Sun 15-Jun-14 06:56:22

You need to detach, detach, detach sweetheart. He will continue to lie through his teeth until he gets what he wants - which is to move back into his cushy home where you wash his pants and to keep her on the side for gymnastic sex.

He's brazenly cavorting around with her now, even in front of your children, when he is asking to come back! What makes you think he will stop doing it if you let him come home?

You are worth more than that.

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? I recommend that you do and just cut to the chase and DTB (divorce the bastard).

Show him what he has lost.

MissScatterbrain Sun 15-Jun-14 07:05:19

So sorry sad

Read this

Loss is the only thing that motivates cheaters. He is not feeling the consequences so no wonder he has no intention of doing any work on himself and on the marriage.

ivykaty44 Sun 15-Jun-14 07:08:10

Its not uncommon to want to come home, I know my ex did and asked six months after he left for ow

He will not finish with ow until he knows everything is right at home again as he doesn't want to be on his own, so he needs to keep her dangling just in case - callous isn't it

I am sorry you are going through this, its shit and his parents sound like they are a right pair.

What do you want to happen? In all this have you thought about your life and future?

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 15-Jun-14 07:11:16

The thing that jumps out of your OP to me, aside from the outrageous betrayal and rubbing your nose in it, is how profligate he is being with family money. You need legal advice and pronto,

LiberalLibertine Sun 15-Jun-14 07:11:39

MrsG I'm so sorry your husband has morphed into a ridiculous twat. You're right, this relationship is doomed, but that's not your problem.

He's betrayed you in every sense, and you need to get cold and angry, please don't let him move into the house with you, start divorce proceedings.

What an idiot flowers

Mrscaindingle Sun 15-Jun-14 07:12:19

Yep he wants to have his cake and eat all right, the previous poster who advised detatching is right but it's so much easier said than done I know.

However you do have to start concentrating on you now and what you want . I would stop engaging with him on anything other than the absolute necessities ie arrangingements for the DC and see a solicitor pronto. Its so hard having to deal with the parcticalitiies when you least feel up to it but you must if you don't want him to have the upper hand on everything.

Get some real life support too that will help you through this. And if its the middle of the night keep posting here. Mumsnet saved me from feeling completely alone when I was going through something similar and night times were often the worst.

So sorry your H has trurned out to be such a shit life can be very hard sometimes. thanks

tribpot Sun 15-Jun-14 07:13:11

I spent two weeks trying to save our marriage (following advice from his parents, etc) with underwhelming response from him!

To be honest, you should have stopped at that point. It's not your job to save your marriage, nor to show loyalty to your man or any of that traditionalist bullshit which I am guess you got thrown at you by his parents. He is an adult and he has chosen to throw his marriage away. You can't unchoose that for him. He is responsible for his actions and the consequences of them. I completely understand your motivation but I think it must have been deeply confusing for the children to find him in the house in bed, unless they knew it was a set-up, and in which case what did it achieve?

You would not treat him this way, and I very much doubt you would expect him to roll over and beg for you if you did. You certainly are worth more than that. I would tell him in no uncertain terms he would not be returning to the house within hours of the supposed end of his affair. And the ball in his court to decide how he goes about making amends for what he has done.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 15-Jun-14 07:21:42

You need to detach and stop talking to him apart from stuff about dc. He can pick the kids up and go elsewhere to be with them (unless they don't want to go). He doesn't go on your hol, he most certainly does not move in in August. Make sure you get back in the house with the dc- by then he might be trying to get the house and might even move the ow in.

I don't think there's any going back from this situation. You need to face the future without him and detach yourself- fast. He is only going to cause you heartache.

MrsGPie01252 Sun 15-Jun-14 07:27:04

I know. In my heart I know you are right! It's Father's Day today. I said he could come and see the kids! Just phoned him and he didn't end it because she "wasn't around!!" Just told him I would make myself scarce when he came to see the kids.

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 15-Jun-14 07:43:22

Argh. Stop being so nice to him. (Sorry to be so blunt, but he's showing no consideration for you.)

springydaffs Sun 15-Jun-14 07:51:30

erm why are you 'making yourself scarce'? Let them see him somewhere else, you don't have to vacate, even vaguely, your home. He's the one who has thrown it all away, don't make it easy for him. he wants his cake (and his porsche! <cliche>) then let him have the consequences, don't soften them (rod for your own back). Get cold, OP.

CerealMom Sun 15-Jun-14 07:55:31

Scroll down to first post. Excellent practical advice from Olgaga.

foadmn Sun 15-Jun-14 08:10:10

Get legal and mn advice and ditch the bastard taking all his worldly goods and possessions with you. You need that porsche.

dollius Sun 15-Jun-14 08:23:19

Yes, do NOT leave the house. He can take them out for the day and get a taste of the future. Let him reap what he has sown.

Do not give an inch and do not make his life easy. Be reasonable about access to DC, but do not communicate about anything else. Open door, pop DC out, shut door.

If he wants to come back, he has to get down on his knees and grovel. Do not accept anything less. Personally I wouldn't bother with any of that. Get yourself a lawyer and get what is rightfully yours before he pisses it all away on his elastic new girlfriend.

dollius Sun 15-Jun-14 08:24:11

I'd love to be there to see him trying to get the DC car seats into the ponce-mobile and looking like the twat he so is!

MrsGPie01252 Sun 15-Jun-14 08:43:22

Well. Exactly. 3 children don't fit. He even suggested that we "swap cars" on the weekends he has them as "after all, the Porsche is yours too". I made it quite clear I wouldn't drive it as it is a talisman of everything he has become that I loathe. He is unrecognisable from the man that was my husband.

Now when I see him he looks broken, like I'm the only one who can fix him now. And he's right! I'm the only one who can give him his life back. He knows deep down this bubble with BP (Bordon princess I call her) will burst and has lost all credibility with our friends, etc. he is uncomfortable now in most environments where he used to feel welcome. He has literally fucked his life up in the typically cliche mid-life manner. I would almost feel sorry for him at times.
Actually, Pity is a better word. But what sort of life would it be for me or the kids? Especially he does it again? But do I owe it to try? He is staying at his parents and not hotel. I just verified it. Is divorce better than trying? I think he has done too much damage for it to be repaired.

StealthPolarBear Sun 15-Jun-14 08:45:59

You say your son wants to harm her. Was that a throw away comment? I think you should talk to him about that

StealthPolarBear Sun 15-Jun-14 08:46:35

Well actually I think your dh should but I doubt his parenting is up to much at tbe moment.

ivykaty44 Sun 15-Jun-14 08:49:14

You don't owe it to any one, but only you can decide what you want. You need to stop thinking about the children, him and put yourself first and take your time...

dollius Sun 15-Jun-14 08:52:02

Tell him, he bought it with family money, so he can use it for his family. If he can't fit them in the car, he will have to WALK somewhere with them.

Let him actually feel the consequences of his actions. This is crucial. Do not let him use your home all day to see DC.

HE did this, not you. It is up to HIM to fix it, not you. Keep repeating that to yourself. You cannot fix this. He has to do all the work now. You do not owe it to anyone to try anything. You do not owe anything at all!

All you are morally obliged to do now is make the children available for contact. OUTSIDE your home.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 15-Jun-14 08:56:03

Why do you owe him anything? He owed you loyalty and fidelity and honesty. He didn't give you that. You owe him nothing.

EdithWeston Sun 15-Jun-14 09:01:20

"But do I owe it to try? ...... Is divorce better than trying? I think he has done too much damage for it to be repaired."

You don't have to decide that right now. Establish the parameters of your separation, use some time to think and to plan. See what he chooses too - right now it's to continue his affair, and I think it would be wrong to consider whether you can ever reconcile when he is making no effort towards you.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 15-Jun-14 09:01:27

Please- he takes the kids out today. No car??? Then public transport, the kids might enjoy a train journey.

You are not the only one who can fix him. You cannot give him his life back. You cannot undo what he has done. His life and how miserable his choices have made him are none if your concern anymore. Please, from somebody who has been through similar crap, keep your energy, time and emotions for yourself and your beautiful dc.

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