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The ex husband is having a new baby - im awfully upset.

(76 Posts)
Needsmorecake Sat 14-Jun-14 08:04:51

I do and dont know why, he told me yesterday and it was a shock, of course i told him congratulations, but, by the time he went and i got to the sofa i broke down in tears and have felt really upset since.

We were married, he left me when i was expecting, then wanted to give it a go, only to walk out when DD was 20 weeks old. Ive been on my own since then. He wanted to give it another go again, which lasted all of 9 months, and i left him as evidence of him cheating came to light.

He married the girl he cheated on me with and shes now expecting.

I meanwhile, am still on my own, with no relationships at all.

We had been trying for a baby the last time, i had an ivf referal, but that never came to anything as i left.
I cant have more children, im 36 now and still on my own, so, that chance has gone.

I feel like she stole my life, if that makes any sense. Ive struggled the whole of DD's life. I work but get a tiny bit of benefit, im skint and have been for years, yet they have all this stuff, and now they have this too.

Im also worried for DD, that she will feel pushed out, or like shes second best, or it might make her upset.

Im a bit shocked at my strenght of feeling about it, and, logically i know it will be fine and its none of my business, but emotionally, im finding it quite hard.

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with it?

crispyporkbelly Sat 14-Jun-14 08:08:45

She didn't steal your life, he is to blame here.

You're still so young and have so much ahead of you! Be glad that she has to deal with such a coward of a man now. He's not worth your tears at all sweet.

Would you like to meet someone? Have you tries single parent dating online maybe? Of course you could have more kids! My neighbour just had a gorgeous girl at 47!

Please try not to be too down

Needsmorecake Sat 14-Jun-14 08:21:13

I know shes not fully to blame, but if does feel like shes living the life i was meant to have. Because, well, i was married to him first...

and i dont care for him at all now, cant imagine why i ever married him, so its a surprise why i feel to upset.

and yes, its too late for me to have children. I am infertile. I was having ivf 6 years ago, the situation is not going to have magically improved, i dont even have periods.

I have tried online dating, it hasnt worked for me.

Imbroglio Sat 14-Jun-14 08:24:17

Your feelings are quite understandable. I'd be upset, too.

But try to think about what it would have been like living with a cheating husband. Things have almost certainly worked out better for you this way, despite the difficulties.

I also think its perfectly normal to be broody at 36, regardless of who else is having a baby. It's just nature.

tobysmum77 Sat 14-Jun-14 08:26:36

she didn't steal your life, and if she did what comes around goes around. It must be long odds on that she will be in the same position as you in a few years.

I was taking to a lady I know about her marital problems the other day and what came out was over the time of their marriage she has seemingly had increasing empathy with her husbands ex.

Needsmorecake Sat 14-Jun-14 08:31:11

i know, logically i see all that.

logically, i can understand all that and dont really get why im upset, and then i just keep bursting into tears.

I just feel like, he said he never wanted to be married, he said he didnt want children, of course, he should have mentioned it before as it was his idea to do both... and i got left with all the responsibility, and have done the whole thing on my own from the beginning, and, i still am.

while hes now decided he does want to be married and have children, and has now restarted and will have this whole family unit, while i was just cast aside.

and the fact that though i have moved on, my situation hasnt. My situation is still the same as the day i left him.

restandpeace Sat 14-Jun-14 08:32:02

Totally understandable feelings. Acknowledge them and move on...

Needsmorecake Sat 14-Jun-14 08:33:02

i have no empathy for her, she was 19, he was 30, married with a 2 year old daughter. she knew this and still got involved with him.

restandpeace Sat 14-Jun-14 08:33:10

What is it you want from your life now?

superstarheartbreaker Sat 14-Jun-14 08:35:27

You have a beautiful dd. I bet he does the same to the new bird and leaves her at some point down the road. Sounds like hes immature. If you met a lovely man in the future you could maybe adopt.

LEMmingaround Sat 14-Jun-14 08:39:38

Y nor should you have any empathy with her. Probably if it wasn't her it would have been someone else bit it was her. They are BOTH to blame -he is a weak cheating cunt and she is no better. I don't understand all this can't blame the ow bullshit. Its quite simple - the man was married with a baby. She still chose to open her legs.

Needsmorecake Sat 14-Jun-14 08:40:32

and just, he was vile to me when i was pg.

Called me names, told me i was pathetic, got cross when i couldnt do x things, called me an embarassment etc... when DD was born he was arguing with me in the hospital the night before her birth ( i had to be admitted) he told me i was pathetic when my c section scar got infected and i got upset about that as great big holes developed, he took me up a mountain ( snow capped one at that, in germany), grabbed the buggy and ran and then drove off with our daughter, leaving me up there, 10 miles from home with no mobile, 4 weeks post birth... and the list goes on how vile he was.

And i guess i just feel angry that now hes turned into this super supportive husband and why i was treated like that.

PossumPoo Sat 14-Jun-14 08:41:56

I understand OP. I would feel that she stole "my life" as in the one you were supposed to have when you married your H. I never understand not blaming the OW also. You direct your anger where it helps you, you will deal with it you know that but you just need time to process.

You are grieving also for the other DC you wont have. Its shit. They are both horrible people and she should hope he doesn't decide again he doesnt want to be married or have DC...

restandpeace Sat 14-Jun-14 08:42:58

Omg what a wanker.... You know you are well shot. Honestly, no one knows what gies on behind closed doors.. Watch this space.

Needsmorecake Sat 14-Jun-14 08:44:09

ah, maybe thats what it is, grief for what i didnt get to have.
and now cant have.

Trills Sat 14-Jun-14 08:45:21

The life that she has "stolen", being married to that man, doesn't sound like something that anyone should actually want.

temporarilyjerry Sat 14-Jun-14 08:47:09

Do you know that he is a super supportive husband? I don't think people change that much. Once a twunt,.....

Hissy Sat 14-Jun-14 08:48:12

I understand the shock, but seriously, don't you know that he'll probably cheat on her too. This woman is only pg, he'll not have changed much if at all.

Try to remember the truth of your marriage, and give thanks to god you don't have to put up with him anymore.

This pain will pass, and you'll be fine on the other side of it. In the meantime please rant and offload here as much as you need to. We're here to listen and hold your hand.

Imbroglio Sat 14-Jun-14 08:50:20

I bet he isn't a super-supportive husband. People like that don't change.

You really are better where you are.

Your sadness over your fertility is another issue, but WOW - you have a lovely daughter. And you are raising her without that awful man ruining your life ad putting you down.

Needsmorecake Sat 14-Jun-14 08:51:17

well, no.

but he , on the outside at least, seems to have turned into this supportive husband.

though, thinking about it frm things DD says, hes very much the same still.

and, i expect, when she gets fat, and isnt earning so much money and cant cater to his every whim, because the baby will come first, he will do what he did to me.

he once started an argument with me because i didnt know the spice girls had reformed, so, that made me a frump and out of touch and i needed to get a life. I was dealing with trying to find a new job and childcare at the time, as i had given up both and moved 70 miles to be with him ( at his insistence) course, i supose, compared to a fancy free 19 year old, i did seem boring.

its sometimes boring being a grown up.

StealthPolarBear Sat 14-Jun-14 08:54:12

Well he's abusive. So he'll be abusing her now I expect

nilbyname Sat 14-Jun-14 08:55:49

In the nicest possible way, you are framing this all wrong.

Instead of thinking that's my life, look at them all happy and perfect. Flip it around.

You got out, he was a cheating unsupportive, abusive partner. He's with a much younger, maybe naive, who might be on the receiving end of what you had. She deserves your pity of nothing else. Thank god you got rid, thank god you've got your dd and your independence. Thank god you don't have to put up with the lies and deciet anymore.

Online dating....don't like it? Ditch it. Get together with friends, start hosting byo, ring up for a takeaway evenings. Join a book club? (Usually good excuse for drinking wine club!)

It's natural to feel upset, allow yourself to feel it, but then draw a line under it.

weatherall Sat 14-Jun-14 09:03:21

You are right to be upset.

He lied to you and abused you.

Just think that your life is so much better now without him in it.

Needsmorecake Sat 14-Jun-14 09:06:43

normally i dont give a second thought to either of them

its just the baby thing.

and im worried about how DD will feel.

i have a good social life, so, its not that and i dont need to adjust to that

MrWalletwithMothsonboard Sat 14-Jun-14 09:16:25

What you are feeling is all perfectly natural and will fade with time. You want to be with a loving and supportive partner so it now appears he has become that way with her. Unlikely.

It is horrible to be skint, in the same boat myself but you have the precious gift of freedom. To live without tension, anxiety, doubt and criticism.

Concentrate on what you do have. Let yourself be angry and cry all you want. In time you will want to shrug it off your shoulders and get on with your own life. You have to go through it to get out of it. Hope this makes sense. Very best wishes to you. X

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