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DH Italian is he cheating

(33 Posts)
Kazanova Mon 09-Jun-14 11:20:29

I have been married 15 years with 2 kids. I had a very good job. It was great life. I gave up work after 2nd child, so he became the bread winner. He worked very long hours (too long, which I did appreciate). I used to have a glass of wine on the day that there was no kids activities and I did not have to drive anywhere the next day. Then DH hours got longer and you could see he was not coping. He had 3 mobiles, which he said one was for work and others him, laptop, (which he took out of my sight) and would always go to bed, Always moaning he was tired, not eating properly and always complaining the minute he walked in the door. We never saw him (even when here) His personality got worse, but to the outside world he was lovely as he always wanted to please others and they think hes the greatest family man ever, little did they know what he was like in doors. I then started to have a glass of wine maybe 2 times a week, as the kids activities got less. But after a while he was coming in saying "your an alcoholic". This would just cause a row. Which I did not want infront of the kids. We all tried to say im not but he was not having it. He was working too many hours, not enough balance in life and even tried to get him to do a health check. I was cooking him a very healthy dinner but he did not always want. But he did not mind eating loads form the reduced section from supermarkets. Hes saying I need help with drink and that hurts,frustrating and dont know how to make him see thats it only him that has the issue. Someone did say has he got an alcoholic in the family YES. Apparently this can have implications. When I tried to talk to him about feelings he says its my problem if I cant control my feelings. Hes never been kissy huggy. I dont go out with friends anymore, my only treat is a glass of wine now and again. His personality has change so much that last year he was grooming himself, confidence through the roof. Looking at my mate (very obviously) chatting to woman whilst walking the dog. It is not him anymore. He has done some really stupid things that emotional Im too scared to divorce him over as you never know what hes going to do next. How do you sort relationship when someone emotionally bullies you. I feel he was diverting the attention of wine on me so that it was not on him. Is he cheating?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Jun-14 11:36:17

I don't know whether or not he's cheating but you don't sound like a happy family. Multiple mobiles, laptops kept out of sight, long hours, flirting etc certainly sounds suspicious. Worse, I would have thought, are repeated accusations of alcoholism. Could be that he's hyper-sensitised to alcohol if he has experience with alcoholism in his family but it could also be that he is exaggerating the problem in order to keep you on the back foot.... nasty The lack of communication - not talking about feelings - sounds pretty miserable given that this is meant to be the person that you are closest to emotionally. I'm not sure what you mean by 'he has done some really stupid things that emotional'... maybe that would provide more context?

Why is that you don't go out with your friends any more?

Kazanova Thu 12-Jun-14 03:43:42

DH has always been a little possessive when I met him but I thought he would overcome this once as our relationship developed. I dont go out with friends anymore as he would then start telling the kids off for silly little things. This was every time I went out , (maybe 4/5 times a year) They were happier for me to be home, less conflict. Its like hes dictating what I should do and when. He says Im just paranoid (so your kids are paranoid too ah). It was like he was having a go at them (frustrated what I was up to). But he always knew he could trust me 100%. I have booked marriage counselling and since then hes been old self and nice as pie. Back to being a family man. But im waiting for it t all change again, is he being nice due to counselling or will it last. He says the reason he has 3 phones is due to one for work, one for gps is good and other for personal use( calling us), he says hes taking laptop up stairs because hes tired. DH has done silly things and tried to get 3 authorities involved but all have said its marital and he has an issue with Alcohol. Believe me I have always done my best to keep our marriage good and keep his health. I could see he was over doing it and he even had a breakdown. We all tried telling him that we were only looking out for him but he would not have it. I wondered if he went on at me so that he cold take the conversation away from him. His mother found out she had cancer last year but he has not called her or been to see her etc. I think there are emotional problems there. I have tried contacting family in my worse Italian ever but got by. So I know shes doing good. I feel he feels that know one cares about him, hes always going on about hes got no one here for him. But i said we are your family and were here. I wished hed have counselling just to say how he feels.

CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant Thu 12-Jun-14 03:55:52

I don't know if he's cheating but my family is Italian and that was enough to tell me never to have a relationship with one. Never seen so many men with issues of one kind or another, most of which they project onto their wives/partners

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 12-Jun-14 11:14:50

It increasingly sounds as though you are having the wool pulled over your eyes. No-one needs three phones, I don't care who they are, and being 'tired' is a pretty feeble excuse for taking a lap-top upstairs. So he's lying for a start. Then you've got all this pretty crappy behavioural stuff which, every time it is challenged, seems to come back to some big 'poor me' story designed to have you feeling sorry for him rather than angry. Nice as pie when threatened with counselling sounds utterly fake. Grown men who pick on little kids to the point that Mum stays home rather than leave them alone with him are not fit to be fathers.

I don't think he has 'emotional problems' in the slightest. He sounds like a straightforward manipulative bully who has got you tip-toeing around him, buying his lies and thinking that he would change if he could just say how he felt. Why would he do any of that when behaving this way gets him precisely what he wants and no questions asked.

I'd want to get hold of all those phones and see who he's been calling and messaging. Be prepared for a few surprises.

Kazanova Sun 15-Jun-14 06:19:05

Thanks CogitoErgoSometimes. We saw a marriage Councillor on Friday and I think he just told them what they wanted to hear. He has a personality that just wins you over. Which makes it even harder for me. Its a case of "No he would never do that, hes so lovely. People seems to take to him even if they know whats going on. DD even said to him yesterday that he starts all the arguments. Yesterday he took day off to spend it on a game on the laptop. He only came off when I got the hump and said this is meant to be a family day. He thinks if you do what wife wants when she says then im happy. NO i want him to man up and make decisions. He did admit on friday he was working too many hours and that calling me a alcoholic was a cover up so that the conversation was not on him. He told the lady that he believes marriage is for ever, but I think what he means is that lets him do what he wants and be married too. Yesterday his attitude was awful. I need to see improvements to believe them. Thanks CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant, I would not have believed it, I thought Italian men were meant to be family loving people and sociable. Mine hates socializing. He looks at it that our house is his temple. That its his space not to have others here. Boring. I used to love socializing.

foadmn Sun 15-Jun-14 08:12:13

I only know one Italian (Sicilian). He's cheating. On a massive scale. But I don't think we can tar all Italians with the same brush.

JaceyBee Sun 15-Jun-14 16:24:41

Sorry I'm at a loss as to what him being Italian has to do with the price of fish? I thought that was an autocorrect fail!

He is being totally unreasonable and I think you should set a limit on the amount of time/money you are prepared to spend on counselling/'trying', and at the end of that time be prepared to divorce his ass.

JaceyBee Sun 15-Jun-14 16:26:43

I think the madonna/whore complex type projection Cilla is talking about is more a catholic thing than an Italian thing per se.

FolkGirl Sun 15-Jun-14 16:49:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FolkGirl Sun 15-Jun-14 16:51:19

I thought it was an autocorrect fail, too, jacey!

Talk about over generalisation. Of course all Italian men don't cheat! How can anyone speak for an entire nation confused

foadmn Sun 15-Jun-14 17:19:02

when you say 'of course', how do you know?

Humansatnav Sun 15-Jun-14 20:42:54

Catholic madonna/ whore issue ? Whoa there, backup with your generalization!angry

howrudeforme Sun 15-Jun-14 21:54:31

OP have messaged you.

Darkesteyes Sun 15-Jun-14 22:35:33

Im sorry but those of us who have been brought up in Italian families know these are not genralisations (in my case Italian mother British father) ive seen and heard enough to know that what is expected of Italian women is ludicrous. My mum has been brought up to believe that going out and enjoying yourself is frowned upon and actively discouraged if you don't have a dick. And the misogyny she comes out with towards female celebs and actresses is part of this too. Its awful And women are treated as worthless if over a size 10/12 I could go on but please don't tell people who have lived with this culture...grown up with it ...had it imprinted on our psyche or even possibly been psychologically damaged by it that its generalizing because that is minimizing our experiences of this culture.

www.opendemocracy.net/5050/heather-mcrobie/unsafe-house-of-italy-violence-against-women-does-not-break-for-summer

JaceyBee Sun 15-Jun-14 22:56:47

Ok it's obviously a generalisation but my colleagues and I have noticed that Catholics tend to be weird about sex. Am just talking about a correlation, not necessarily a cause and effect. Chill your boots!

MexicanSpringtime Mon 16-Jun-14 03:03:51

It does not sound like a happy life for you, OP. You should be able to go out and see friends.

To me this sounds like an abusive relationship, and whether or not he is cheating is the least of your worries.

Cutting you off from your friends is classic in an abusive relationship. And from what I have learnt on Mumsnet, when there is abuse, marriage counselling isn't an option, you need individual counselling.

Fideliney Mon 16-Jun-14 03:13:20

OP obviously thinks the Italian culture is significant.

theoldtrout01876 Mon 16-Jun-14 03:34:23

Run away !!!

Its all I can say. I was married to an Italian for 13 very miserable Years

Kazanova Mon 16-Jun-14 09:16:02

I know its not ALL Italian men as I know and completely trust some I have met. They are dedicated husbands. And this can be in any culture. Its an individual thing. My DH believes that in the catholic faith marriage is for ever. But my opinion is that marriage is only marriage if your are partners, equal etc. I think in my DH case he likes to tell people I am married with kids. But it is just words. The daily mail wrote an article about Italian men and Apparently 95% cheat on their wives, expect you to be mother and are very stubborn in their ways. I believe this is just part of the upbringing. I believe that marriage if for life if your committed to one another not because its a religion. since we had counselling he is like the person he used to be. But time will tell. I believe if he has cheated then it will raise its head. I have met other women that were married to Italian men and they have said the same as theoldrout1876. "Run away" and they all cheat and were miserable. Some women have just stayed for the kids sake till they have left home. This is due to they gave up work for the kids and dont have the resource to move on. This is quite common. By the way the reason I put DH Italian is he cheating as my heading is because it was to see if others within that culture were aware of what I as a person was talking about.

kaykayblue Mon 16-Jun-14 10:11:03

Just leave! Seriously - nothing you have outlined is good. Why are you still there???

Darkesteyes Mon 16-Jun-14 16:02:45

My DH believes that in the catholic faith marriage is for ever

Ill bet he does.
Catholicism is misogynistic on its own but is your DH believe in it because he believes in it or just because it suits his own needs and wants.

MexicanSpringtime Tue 17-Jun-14 01:19:27

And there is a cultural element to infidelity. Male infidelity is much more accepted than is good for society.

Kazanova Tue 08-Jul-14 06:21:06

Just to let you all know im getting a divorce. Nothing improved only got worse. Came to the conclusion he was not only accusing me of being a alcoholic, he was saying our house was dirty, he was trying to contact an old girlfriend, he was looking at other women so they thought he was initerested, he was denying feelings that I had but kids also, nothing we all did was good enough. I meet his work friends the other day and they all think the sun shines from his bottom. When I told one of his friends he was shocked. He was good at showing others what a lovely man he was he just forgot to show his family. He is accusing me because its emotional bullying, when he criticizes the house me etc its because he knows he can bring me down, i reply on him financially. Well if I can get through this then anyone can. Today is a positive move and no looking back.

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