DH and my lovely family

[germinal]

Will try and be short! I have a lovely and large family. We get together maybe six times a year (3 ds 1db and partners). We live close to my parents and ds and I see them often. Children see cousins and grandparents at least twice a week. DM minds DS2 four days a week. Except for occasions (christmas, easter, big bdays) I dont ask or expect DH to attend family get togethers. However tonight he has declared he "doesn't like them (my family) and will leave me to attend most things alone. I think that is ridiculous. I don't care if he doesn't like them, they are kind and generous people and a huge part of my life and the dc life. I expect him to attend family things and be kind. Ffs. Aibu????

[HowardTJMoon]

What's his reason for not liking your family?

[wafflyversatile]

How long have you been together?
Why doesn't he like them?
Has something happened recently where someone has upset him?
Is he from a small family or like time to himself?
Is his family close?
Does he find large gatherings a bit much?
Do you think he's trying to get you to spend less time with them too in the long run?
How much time do you get together as just your family or just a couple?

[Fairylea]

I'm not sure really. I can see how upsetting it is for you but I have to say my dh and I have similar set ups. We both really dislike each others families so we both see them separately with the dc. In fact my dh will actually walk round the block several times if he comes home and sees mums car is here as he can't stand her. I feel equally the same about his mum to be fair. In our case it's just a clash of personalities.

I think if he's not being actively rude and just leaving you to get on with it then that's fair enough.

At Christmas it's the only time we make any effort for each others families. We stay for maybe an hour or so with each. The rest of the time we just make excuses for the other partner and say they have work / an appointment etc.

[germinal]

Who knows! I suspect some imagined slight tbh. He cant cite anything particular beyond "they are boring" and "dorks". We are close, which he thinks is weird He goes through stages of not minding them to disliking them intently and being rude to them.

[FindoGask]

How long have you been with him? He sounds really childish. In most grown-up relationships, people manage to be at least cordial to their partners' families because a) it's more pleasant for everyone involved and b) it's obviously important to their partner.

[germinal]

Waffly. We have been together 10 yrs, initially he loved them. But now he finds the closeness too much. We get together maybe 6 times a year but I love my sisters and my mother and we talk daily. They like dh, esp DM, so it must hurt her thatvhe is rude. All ds and db partnered with very nice and genial people who seem not to mind getting together frequently. Dh hates it.

[germinal]

Findogask I think that too. As background I recently had his mother stay for nine weeks. We are so different but she is dh mother and dc grandma. I was very respectful and kind to her. Not one rolled eye in eight weeks.

[Hakluyt]

How old is he? 11?

[Doinmummy]

Has his behaviour changed towards you? Is he picking more arguments ?

[ajandjjmum]

Then he is being totally unreasonable and disrespectful towards you. I thought that maybe he felt overwhelmed by your family, and had little contact with his own, but 9 weeks! You must be a saint!

I would be very cross with him - 9 weeks equates to 63 days which is 10 years worth of get-togethers with your family. He owes you, without the rolled eyes too!

[germinal]

I know. Its ridiculous. But what should I do? It is very important to me that he can be around my family without being mean. Just writing that makes me want to cry

We have our issues but I genuinely love him very much. I feel loved by him also.

[StrawberryCheese]

Does he come from a small family? My family is very small, we are spread out and not very close. I sometimes feel that DH's big family are overbearing but I suck it up and get on with it.

[bragmatic]

He is being unreasonable.

[ajandjjmum]

Have you told him just how much he's upset you - particularly when you've devoted 9 weeks to his DM?

[wafflyversatile]

As background I recently had his mother stay for nine weeks. We are so different but she is dh mother and dc grandma. I was very respectful and kind to her. Not one rolled eye in eight weeks.

What happened in the other week?

It's ok not to want to spend loads of time with them, and how much time he spends with them needs to be negotiated between you but he needs to be nice to them when he does see them unless they are being horrible to them.

Did you point out that you'd just spent all this time with his DM? Why does he think that's alright?

[Itsfab]

I have no family so find having in-laws hard but I go to most things and the odd time I don't want to have Sunday lunch with them is not an issue.

[Fairylea]

9 weeks with his mother?! And he can't make the effort for yours??

That's not right at all. I thought it was more like mine and Dhs situation where we both behave the same way towards our families but your situation is very unequal and that's not fair.

[germinal]

This latest issue was only yesterday. I pointed out his mother stayed 9 weeks (the end of which I compiled and printed a coffee table book of photos from her stay ... she lives abroad). He said, calmly, that he would just leave get togethers to me from now on. I think that is not a solution. I think he should attend get togethers, even as frequently as 6x p/y , and be nice. My mother has minded all our three babies saving us thousands and thousands of pounds. And she is so sweet. Telling dh "they are such a credit to you, dh, such lovely children". Now he can't spend a second in her company?? Give me a fucking break.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Has his mother been saying something to him? Something has precipitated this

[Fairylea]

That seems really odd to come out of the blue following you making a photo book for his mother. He doesn't think you've upset his mum or something does he? Seems like someone has been stirring something somewhere (his mum, your family saying something a bit off?)

[Itsfab]

Credit to him?



I hope they aren't learning their manners from him!

[WipsGlitter]

It's sounds like you are a close family but you husband doesn't get / enjoy the level of closeness you have. If he's felt all along that it was a struggle to get on with them then maybe he has just had enough.

Or something happened to precipitate it

[germinal]

Definately not. His mother is Irish. She practically lives with her 7 sisters . Moreover, when she was visiting my parents took her out to dinner and my sisters and brother all spent time with her. MIL not the issue, dh just being an arse.

[Clutterbugsmum]

Tell him then he can look after his mother/family as you are no longer ale to do it due to his attitude to your family.

[Nomama]

Erm... if this was the man telling the story would we be hearing that OH is virtually living with her family, we never get any 'us' time, we always have to be with them, I feel like I married a clan not one person.

You see your family more than once a week, the get togethers may be 6 times a year but the contact seems to be daily, constant, all the time.

Maybe having his mum to stay has made him feel lonely in a crowd.