I clicked on 'create a new thread' and now I'm not sure what to write. I think I'm just trying to write my feelings down to see if I can see sense in it, so I'm not offended if nobody replies.
I just don't think I want to be married any more. We've been married 6 years, together 8, 2 DC. It just seems to be a lot of hard work for me, but I don't get anything back. And DH seems to get an awful lot.
I am a SAHM/work freelance, he works f/t. But he is - sorry to use a horrible phrase - really work shy. He does the absolute bare minimum he thinks he can get away with (that's true for any situation actually, not just work). He has left four jobs in the last 5 years, all 'jump before you are pushed' situations. He claims to have been bullied in every job he's been in, but looking back, it seems to me that he has been questioned or disciplined for his lack of work/bad attitude. For example, he got called into work for an informal chat about the fact that he looked scruffy. He thinks this is bullying. But he was going into work sometimes with toothpaste marks his jacket (he knew; he just 'couldn't be bothered' changing/wiping it and his shirt untucked and unironed. He has been warned about sub-par work repeatedly, but he just gets on top of it for a bit, then slips back as soon as they're not watching him closely, then is angry that they catch him out again. He goes on endlessly about how unfair it is that he has to work when other people win the lottery .... Every time he has been out of a job, he hasn't bothered looking for another. The first time, he sent out 5 applications in 6 months. Every time, I have got him a job by sending out application forms for him. It's ridiculous, but I feel like I have to do it to keep the money coming in.
He does next to nothing at home too. When I ask him to do things, he procrastinates or claims he doesn't know what to do. When I sit down to talk about how we need to share the work fairly (he has very long holidays, so I think he should do 50/50 then - I don't expect much if anyting in term time) he says he will do his fair share ... then days later, he's doing nothing. He gets really angry about having to do any household maintenance both in terms of the work and the cost - for example, when we needed the gutters replaced, he was furious, kept going on about how much our mortgage costs, how maintaing a house is non stop - it was the first job we'd done in years! He constantly claims that things 'don't need doing' and that if I want to make extra work for myself, then I can't expect him to do it. That why why I ended up mowing the lawn up til 9 months pregnant.
His family are really overbearing and unpleasant to me - wanting to spend Christmases alternating is proof of what a bitch I am, them making jokes about my mother's cancer scars is perfectly reasonable, I have no right to tell my SIL not do do things to my DC because she's their auntie and I've only married into the family. DH stood up for me recently over the last one (under threat of divorce), but it just slips back again. He doesn't seem to automatically support me, it seems to be something he does when he's forced to. His dad especially is really unpleasant to me - he shoved me over when I was pregnant, but DH wouldn't support me as he didn't see it so he doesn't know what happened and his dad was upset with me, so I hadn't helped myself. I just don't believe it's ever ok to push a pregnant woman so hard she has to grab something to stop her falling. It makes me feel sick that he tries to justify it.
I'm just drained. I feel like I'm his babysitter, carer, housekeeper, PA, childminder ..... what do I get? He constantly goes on about how amazing I am and how clever, but he doesn't actually know about anything I do. I'm organising a community event soon and was telling someone about it, and he was standing next to me, amazed - he had no idea of what I had planned. Despite the fact that I'd told him many times, that I have a facebook page for the event which he hasn't even liked. He hasn't read my blog which has been running over 9 months, which I know sounds petty, but I'm making a career out of it and he has no interest in it. I get more praise and positivity from strangers than I do from him.
He was away last night and I just felt so comfortable on my own. Yes, I had to clean up/cook/do laundry still, but it felt easier doing it on my own when it was only me than it does doing it alone when he's there and could help but won't. It occured to me that if I found out he cheated when he was away (I'm 99%+ sure he wouldn't) I would be quite pleased because then I could throw him out with no guilt. He's a fun person to spend a few hours or a day out with, but as a husband, he's crap. I just can't face the thought of trying to work it all out yet again when I know it'll go back to ususal after the apologies have been forgotten.
Sorry for the ramble; if you've stayed with it, thanks. I suppose I know what to do, but I feel like a shit for breaking up a marriage when he doesn't hit me, hasn't cheated etc. I jsut don't know if I can take the DC away from him.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Just don't really want to be married anymore
JakeScully · 08/06/2014 10:02
I think you know what you want to do. You are miserable and in turn your children will pick up on it and it will effect them too. Do you love your DH? Like him even? Can you imagine spening the next 20, 30 or 40 years living the life you are living now? You only get one crack at life. Don't waste it on a partner who won't or can't change. Wishing you luck in whatever you decide 
- You won't be taking the DC away from him, so don't ponder that one any longer.
- You do know, you really do... you felt so comfortable, would be happy to catch him out....
- You'll automatically lose the contact with the PILs too
Take a deep breath. Make absolutely certain you aren't missing anything - finances, etc, and then let him know his days are numbered.
If he really is that useless and unsupportive then you really do deserve better. Everyone does!
If you are waiting for him to do something wrong like cheating, so you can justify leaving him and not feel guilty, then the relationship is done.
You don't have to wait. He's already proved himself to be an unsuitable life partner, he's had plenty of chances, he's not kept his promises to improve etc.
Don't stay in such a bad relationship. You are doing yourself and your dcs a disservice. Only one life we've got, stop wasting time with this feckless loser and show your dcs how to live a positive decent life. Very best of luck
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.