Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Just don't really want to be married anymore(31 Posts)
I clicked on 'create a new thread' and now I'm not sure what to write. I think I'm just trying to write my feelings down to see if I can see sense in it, so I'm not offended if nobody replies.
I just don't think I want to be married any more. We've been married 6 years, together 8, 2 DC. It just seems to be a lot of hard work for me, but I don't get anything back. And DH seems to get an awful lot.
I am a SAHM/work freelance, he works f/t. But he is - sorry to use a horrible phrase - really work shy. He does the absolute bare minimum he thinks he can get away with (that's true for any situation actually, not just work). He has left four jobs in the last 5 years, all 'jump before you are pushed' situations. He claims to have been bullied in every job he's been in, but looking back, it seems to me that he has been questioned or disciplined for his lack of work/bad attitude. For example, he got called into work for an informal chat about the fact that he looked scruffy. He thinks this is bullying. But he was going into work sometimes with toothpaste marks his jacket (he knew; he just 'couldn't be bothered' changing/wiping it and his shirt untucked and unironed. He has been warned about sub-par work repeatedly, but he just gets on top of it for a bit, then slips back as soon as they're not watching him closely, then is angry that they catch him out again. He goes on endlessly about how unfair it is that he has to work when other people win the lottery .... Every time he has been out of a job, he hasn't bothered looking for another. The first time, he sent out 5 applications in 6 months. Every time, I have got him a job by sending out application forms for him. It's ridiculous, but I feel like I have to do it to keep the money coming in.
He does next to nothing at home too. When I ask him to do things, he procrastinates or claims he doesn't know what to do. When I sit down to talk about how we need to share the work fairly (he has very long holidays, so I think he should do 50/50 then - I don't expect much if anyting in term time) he says he will do his fair share ... then days later, he's doing nothing. He gets really angry about having to do any household maintenance both in terms of the work and the cost - for example, when we needed the gutters replaced, he was furious, kept going on about how much our mortgage costs, how maintaing a house is non stop - it was the first job we'd done in years! He constantly claims that things 'don't need doing' and that if I want to make extra work for myself, then I can't expect him to do it. That why why I ended up mowing the lawn up til 9 months pregnant.
His family are really overbearing and unpleasant to me - wanting to spend Christmases alternating is proof of what a bitch I am, them making jokes about my mother's cancer scars is perfectly reasonable, I have no right to tell my SIL not do do things to my DC because she's their auntie and I've only married into the family. DH stood up for me recently over the last one (under threat of divorce), but it just slips back again. He doesn't seem to automatically support me, it seems to be something he does when he's forced to. His dad especially is really unpleasant to me - he shoved me over when I was pregnant, but DH wouldn't support me as he didn't see it so he doesn't know what happened and his dad was upset with me, so I hadn't helped myself. I just don't believe it's ever ok to push a pregnant woman so hard she has to grab something to stop her falling. It makes me feel sick that he tries to justify it.
I'm just drained. I feel like I'm his babysitter, carer, housekeeper, PA, childminder ..... what do I get? He constantly goes on about how amazing I am and how clever, but he doesn't actually know about anything I do. I'm organising a community event soon and was telling someone about it, and he was standing next to me, amazed - he had no idea of what I had planned. Despite the fact that I'd told him many times, that I have a facebook page for the event which he hasn't even liked. He hasn't read my blog which has been running over 9 months, which I know sounds petty, but I'm making a career out of it and he has no interest in it. I get more praise and positivity from strangers than I do from him.
He was away last night and I just felt so comfortable on my own. Yes, I had to clean up/cook/do laundry still, but it felt easier doing it on my own when it was only me than it does doing it alone when he's there and could help but won't. It occured to me that if I found out he cheated when he was away (I'm 99%+ sure he wouldn't) I would be quite pleased because then I could throw him out with no guilt. He's a fun person to spend a few hours or a day out with, but as a husband, he's crap. I just can't face the thought of trying to work it all out yet again when I know it'll go back to ususal after the apologies have been forgotten.
Sorry for the ramble; if you've stayed with it, thanks. I suppose I know what to do, but I feel like a shit for breaking up a marriage when he doesn't hit me, hasn't cheated etc. I jsut don't know if I can take the DC away from him.
I think you know what you want to do. You are miserable and in turn your children will pick up on it and it will effect them too. Do you love your DH? Like him even? Can you imagine spening the next 20, 30 or 40 years living the life you are living now? You only get one crack at life. Don't waste it on a partner who won't or can't change. Wishing you luck in whatever you decide
I am sorry. This does sound intolerable. Would you both consider talking to someone?
1. You won't be taking the DC away from him, so don't ponder that one any longer.
2. You do know, you really do... you felt so comfortable, would be happy to catch him out....
3. You'll automatically lose the contact with the PILs too
Take a deep breath. Make absolutely certain you aren't missing anything - finances, etc, and then let him know his days are numbered.
If he really is that useless and unsupportive then you really do deserve better. Everyone does!
Unless he changes a d keeps it going, I think you should walk.
Even if he does change- has too much water passed under the bridge? He let you mow the lawn 9 months preg instead of doing it himself? His dad pushed you over??? No wonder you resent him.
I forgot to comment on your fil pushing you over while pregnant. That is just disgraceful. I think you are a saint for putting up with this for so long.
I think he's beyond change - no grown man with dc leaves to up to his wife to find jobs for him or doesn't take her side when his dad pushes her. If you're happier on your own, that says a lot. I'd start making plans if I were you.
When reading your (wonderfully insightful and articulate) post I found myself growing increasingly excited at the bright future you're going to have without this guy holding you back.
I did used to love him, but I don't really think I do anymore - I get flashes of it when he's not being an arse and I think I see the him-who-I-fell-in-love-with, but I don't see that person much anymore.
Never having to see the PIL anymore would be heaven, but that's one of the things that puts me off leaving - DH would just hand the DC over to them when he has contact. He's never managed more than 2 hours alone with the DC without either going to his parents or having them over. I worry about the way they behave with them. FIL is a bully and MIL has made some odd sexual comments... if I heard a stranger saying them, I'd probably think they were a pervert/paedophile, or at least very inappropriate. But at least if I'm around, I can protect them.
I think the 'too much water under the bridge' comment might have hit the nail on the head. I think back to doing 7 months of night feeds and all evening cluster feeds (formula fed) completely alone, sobbing with exhaustion and him 'too tired' to ever do one. I think about him refusing to take me to the hospital when I was struggling to breathe because he had stuff to get on with (I was diagnosed with pneumonia). He wouldn't take the day off work when I had a vomiting bug recently and had been up since 1am vomiting, so I had to manage the DC alone all day and I was so ill that I collapsed - he found me on the floor when he got in from work, I think I'd been out for over an hour.
I think about all of that and, if it was a friend of mine, I would despise him and tell her to leave him. I just know when I say that, he'll beg me not leave, cry, do his serious face, tell me how disgusted he is at himself. He'll tell me he'll arrange marriage counselling. He'll promise to change and he will be fantastic for maybe a week or so.
I feel so angry at myself for not quite being able to say 'just fuck off you cocklodger'. Because I know it's what I should say.
Thanks purplepickles, that's really knind of you. I do think I would be more successful without him. If I had the energy I put into his career and life for myself, I could do anything! I'm doing the work/thinking/life of two people right now.
I'm the first to stay stick with marriage as it has ups and downs, but not in this instance. Please get the strength to chuck him out. If he was just useless, fish enough, but he doesn't know what's going on in your life, would happily allow you to mow the lawn at nine months pg!!!! In laws ! No. Be kind to yourself.
Sounds like the world's worst husband and father. I feel for you.Also, you wouldn't your kids starting to believe that this is how a man should behave, work-shy and not helping out at home.
I would leave as well. If your PIL start to act unreasonable, I would limit contact or stop it .
I think you deserve far more in life than what you are getting from staying with this man. It smacks so clearly that you don't respect him and I can really understand why. I mean really, he is a weight around your neck. Do you feel like having sex with him much?
My advice would be to take steps to leave him immediately, and don't bother going round to see the I laws whatsoever. It's alright to let it be known, and even possibly why, that you're not bothering anymore. But then take steps to avoid having to hear anything they may say about it, soon you won't have to interact with them very much at all.
I think leave, and soon, and thank fuck for that. I have found that I have grieved relationships while still in them, and when the final decision has been made, I have actually felt so much better. I have felt free, full of enthusiasm for the future, ready to crack on with the practicalities and absolutely full of beans again. I hope you feel like this. It really is alright so sometimes. This man is not for you and it's ok to say that.
Good luck x
So from reading your posts I think I can work out what profession your dh is in (same as mine). If it is, then the standards and expectations have risen a huge amount over the past 2 or 3 year . If he was struggling 4 or 5 years ago, then by goodness he will be in trouble now.
Get out. He doesn't support you, respect you and he is down right lazy. Not helping you when you were ill is unforgivable. Your FIL's behaviour is terrible.
As a first step, get some legal advice about a separation a child access. If you have concerns about our in laws, especially your MIL, why not call the NSPCC and ask for advice?
I felt really angry reading your last post. He is a very very selfish man and doesn't deserve you. It may be hard to leave but imagine how much better you will feel in a year or 2s time. You sound a lovely person, life's short, do the right thing for you and your kids and leave. I don't think he's going to change and you leaving may actually force him to grow up a bit and take some responsibility. Good luck!
Leave, and when you do move far enough away so that ferrying them back to see him will be in your control, and you can monitor PIL, or (better still) you never see the fuck again because he's too lazy to visit.
LOL at you as the mother of your children 'only marrying into the family' - so by that logic, your MIL is the same eh? Next time try a sympathetic smile and say 'Must have been hard for you being in that situation too then MIL, just marrying in - tell me, do you still feel that all PIL's relatives are closer relations to DH than you, then? Or after a certain number if years do you get upgraded to full family? Do let me know!'
Oh and yes, you'd be happier, richer, more successful without him, and your children won't be there watching and learning how to be a lazy good for nothing.
A father at any cost is never the best option...
sorry will read more later, Dhabi home now and don't want him to see this
If you are waiting for him to do something wrong like cheating, so you can justify leaving him and not feel guilty, then the relationship is done.
You don't have to wait. He's already proved himself to be an unsuitable life partner, he's had plenty of chances, he's not kept his promises to improve etc.
Don't stay in such a bad relationship. You are doing yourself and your dcs a disservice. Only one life we've got, stop wasting time with this feckless loser and show your dcs how to live a positive decent life. Very best of luck
I couldn't have any respect for a man like that. And I didn't even finish reading your opening post!
I'm sure being married suits you fine. Just not to him!
Hello, I'm really interested to know what happened. I hope you got the future you wanted x
Yes, I would also love to know how things turned out, I'm currently trying to find the balls to go it alone ♥️
Your husband is a man child and they are hard work to be married to. They are also difficult to desire sexually over time - my exh and I had sex twice in the last 5 years of our marriage because the idea of it replulsed me.
Don’t feel like you are taking your children away from him. Think of it as teaching your children that sometimes relationships don’t work and that there is a constructive and healthy way to manage that. You will be equipping them for the future
It sounds like you have every right to be angry. Why should he coast through life expecting others to do his share of work everywhere?
If you want to go, go. You don't need a reason other than this is not right for you and you are done with it.
Please login first.