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Ok I really need your advice it's very delicate.

(5 Posts)
Imsuchamess Fri 06-Jun-14 23:46:09

My ex found out his fiancé was cheating a few weeks ago she was cheating as my ex was very violent towards her. He tried to kill her and the police stopped him in time. I know the girl but we have never had much to with each other because he was my ex. Well we all come from a small village and everything that has happened to her is now common knowledge. For reasons I won't go into as I don't want to give too much detail none of her family are speaking to her because she cheated.

Well the entire village has turned on her. She is scared to leave the house as family and friend of the man she had a affair with are threatening her.

The only person she has is our mutual friend. Well she just called me up to ask me about something she was unsure of.

When I was 15 he told me him and her had split up. She had a baby by him at this point. Well I was going out with him a few months I had moved to a town about half hour away and lost contact with most people over there so didn't know they were still together.

My best friend at the time then came clean saying my ex told him not to say but they were still together. So I phoned him up and screamed "you best get your arse over here now" she heard that part. Then he left the house and I said " if you arnt over here in one hour I'm telling her" so the next thing she knew he was speeding off in his car.

When he saw me I went nuts and broke up with him. So i told her all this. She has now added me on Facebook and she is aware I am going out Saturday night and has asked if she can come out. I have said of course she can so her and mutual friend are coming out now.

I feel really bad about going out with a guy that had a baby when he had as far as I knew recently split up with her. I feel even worse that he hadn't actually broken up with her. This was ten years ago btw.

Right now she needs all the friends she can get as the nosey arsed villi age i came from everyone is sticking their beaks in and having a go or just ignoring her.

So I would like to be her friend if she can get past what I did. She said she could as we were just kids and I broke it off when I found out they were together.

I am just concerned if I gave the full story you would realise how much she has been through. I need some advice here what should I expect? Any advice on helping her? Given the delicate nature of things between us I really don't think I'm the best person to help her but other than my friend she has no one else and she has asked to be friends I think this is not because she likes me but more because everyone is being very hard on her and she is lonely and can't afford to pick her friends anymore.

I just want advice on how best to handle this situation. Wwyd?

SolidGoldBrass Fri 06-Jun-14 23:52:00

I think you actually are in a good position to be her friend because both of you have been fucked over by this horrible man. It sounds as though you also live in a woman-hating community which supports abusive rapists over women, so you can draw strength from each other because you know the truth.

ForeskinHyena Fri 06-Jun-14 23:52:04

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

independentfriend Sat 07-Jun-14 00:06:11

I think sign posting her to good sources of professional/voluntary support would be the best place to start. You're saying that someone tried to kill her and now other people are threatening her? And she has at least one child?

On the basis of what you've said, I reckon she needs:

1. The Police - to deal with the threatening behaviour/help to keep her safe in the longer term.
2. Possibly a lawyer/CAB - am unclear what's going on with the ex whose the father of the child [if I'm reading this right he's a different person to the one who tried to kill her] - what are the arrangements for care of any child. Also a solicitor will be able to deal with applications for protection from harassment against people in the village.
3. Support to deal with the attempt to kill her - may come from the police/victim support/a counsellor/her GP.
4. Probably support via Women's Aid or similar to avoid future violent partners.
5. Probably help to move house out of the village - if life there is really unpleasant, then her moving somewhere she's not known [even if not very far away] is probably ultimately the best move for her [even if totally unfair]

I would suspect she's understandably very vulnerable at the moment and it's not so much a friend to go out with on Saturday she needs as a lot more support. Given your personal history, I think it's important any friendship grows slowly, rather than is a sudden, intense one because she's feeling lonely, so that what develops is real. And whilst you could be friends, you can't offer her all the help she's likely to want/need. So, other than pointing her at professional/voluntary organisations who can help her, I'd suggest maintaining a friendly, but reasonably distant relationship, with good boundaries for you. If over time you find yourselves with lots in common that's good, if not you're avoiding acquiring someone who might well be needy/mentally unwell etc as a de facto friend. You might also try to introduce her to some of your other friends and/or social activities outside of the village - becoming her 'only' friend isn't going to help either of you.

Imsuchamess Sat 07-Jun-14 00:10:01

Thank you I appreciate your replies. Independantfriend you give excellent advice I am writing it down, but I have asked mnet to delete the thread.

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