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He's deluded isn't he?

(32 Posts)
Something4theweekend Fri 06-Jun-14 23:05:29

Ok, I know I'm going to get utterly flamed for this but I need to get it out.

When I was at college(I was 17) over a decade ago I met a guy who I had a huge crush on, he was a few years older then me and had a girlfriend so I never thought anything would come of it but we became friends and I got on well with him and his girlfriend. We used to go to the gym together the three of us, sometimes just me and him. I used to try and impress in the gym(lifting heavier weights, trying new exercises etc). Unbeknown to me at the time this guy actually has a bit of a fetish for women exercising and seeing them struggle.....

Anyway towards the end of the school year he gave me a lift home one day, came in for a drink and a chat convinced me to do some exercises with him, one thing led to another and we slept together. It wasn't really that great was a one off and that was that I thought we'd stay friends. By this point I was dating my now DH, DH didn't like him and he didn't like DH so friendship eventually petered out.

However, over the years we have on occasion got back into contact, he confessed his fetish to me and ultimately for the last 7 or 8 years we've had a bit of an on again off again affair. Whereby we've met I've done things that he fantasised about and we've had sex. In all honesty I don't know why I kept going back, even though at times I was really uncomfortable with what he wanted I couldn't find a way to say no to him. We'd have no contact for months, then he'd text and I'd be that teenager again desperate to impress.

The last time we were together he was really quite rough during sex and I vowed never to see him again, I knew I was risking my marriage every time I lied and made an excuse to see OM and I felt sick at the thought of what DH finding out would mean OM is not someone I want to spend my life with.

OM has an obsession with us seeing each other 'one last time' because he wants me to do a 'killer workout' as that will be the biggest turn on he's ever seen. I've kept texting him, honestly, I'm not sure why, but every time he's asked to meet I've made an excuse not to see him.

So last week we were fb messaging then I suddenly get a text saying his wife has found the messages. I say hope he's alright and can sort it I'm sorry etc etc. I also immediately delete his number, delete and block him and his wife on mine and my DH Facebook. I honestly have never felt so ill and really realised just exactly what I was risking and knew how much I could loose.

Then today I get a text from him, although I deleted his number I didn't
T block it, knew it was him from the message. Said I was surprised to hear from him. He asked why??? A bit of back and forth and turns out he's convinced his DW we have never had sex and seems to think we'll just carry on? I don't want that, this was my out but he keeps going on about one last time. Today's conversation ended when I said he needs to tell his wife his fantasies and ask her to fulfil I wasn't going to do it anymore.

I know I'm right but Christ he is deluded isn't he? I really need to stand firm on this but I've never ever been able to say no in this kind of situation, I'm assuming the inability I have goes back to previous sexual abuse and a 'relationship' I had with a teacher from when I was about 12 - 16. In all honesty OM was the first 'normal' man to show an interest and I so desperately wanted to be normal.

But how can I stop being that teenager?

QuarterCracked Mon 09-Jun-14 13:38:18

So worth it! I only had 8 sessions. Now, if ud bought uggs, scent, pairs of good jeans a handbag and a dwsigner pair if sunglasses in 2010, chances are they'd be ripped faded lost etc in 2014....
It was so worth it cis it is such an investment in to yourself. Nothing is as valuable to you as YOU

Something4theweekend Mon 09-Jun-14 10:44:26

Thank you all for the help and advice. DH has private medical insurance through his work so I've made contact with them. I know need to find a psychotherapist locally that they work with(this is down to me to do) and mKe appointments. Going to cost us the excess but will hopefully be worth it on the long run

BIWI Sat 07-Jun-14 11:53:28

Sorry - Needadvice5, clearly. Although maybe ned was more appropriate ... hmm

BIWI Sat 07-Jun-14 11:53:02

Nedadvice5 - I hope you are never actually in the position of needing advice. What on earth was the point of your post?

OP - agree with SGB (and others) that you need counselling - and to see that it's not about you being a slut. Also - make sure you totally block this man.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 07-Jun-14 11:47:13

I do know of a couple of good psychosexual counsellors, both of whom are women. I will have a quick dig around for some links. They are both based in London but I know one of them at least is part of some nationwide network or charity.

(sorry to sound a bit vague - they are both people I have known through work/social scene and while I know they are kind, open-minded and thoroughly trained, I haven't gone into that much detail with them about their profession).

JohnFarleysRuskin Sat 07-Jun-14 11:39:07

You poor thing.

The thing is, you wrote in your title, he's deluded.

He isn't. He really isn't because you've gone along with everything so far, so everything has become real.

But he's not the issue. Block him, forget about him and really work on yourself - not your body, but your head. Spend your gym time with a good counselor.

Torrential Sat 07-Jun-14 11:33:29

I totally understand and agree HalfCracked.

The rational 'me' is a decent, moral person. I am a good friend, a loving mother, have a professional career and care about people. I'm not a bitch. And I am strong. I can be assertive at work, and on behalf of other people. I see myself as a feminist and as someone who doesnt put up with crap.

But you are so right about the part inside that 'cant hear' the rational. There is this part of me that still feels like a slutty, confused 15 yr old. I've always coped by telling her to 'shut up', but the affair I had was like that 'me' rebelling and saying 'no, I wont shut up!'. its like the abuse has kept this part of me a stunted, scared, ashamed little girl. Thats an over simplification, but thats it in a nutshell.

Psychotherapy (although still early days for me) has been incredibly powerful.

I'm not justifying my own shabby actions (or the OPs). Its not about playing victim. There is a decent men involved here (the husbands) and they are the real victims. But I do believe that the OP (like me) needs help to overcome this, or she will be forever playing out these damaging, destructive patterns in her life.

Sorry for the waffle. Just very close to home.

Viviennemary Sat 07-Jun-14 11:32:39

I agree with having counselling. And not telling your DH. You obviously need some support in getting out of this very negative relationship.

Finola1step Sat 07-Jun-14 11:28:19

Block this man from every form of communication. Never see him, speak to him, text him, email him ever again.

Focus on counselling, most likely psychotherapy. Do not tell your dh at this point. The issue of when, what and how to tell him will need to be worked through with a therapist.

You probably have a long road ahead and I wish you well.

HalfCracked Sat 07-Jun-14 11:21:08

Torrential, that is so sad that you feel like that. I agree that psychotherapy would be so good for the OP. I wasn't abused as a young girl but my first bf was gay, I was in the bottom class at school, I was sacked from my first job and then dumped by first 'real' boyfriend with a fairly brutal character assassination. The end result was that my self -esteem was in the gutter. Ten floors under the gutter. But yet I functioned normally, dressed well, had a good job etc....

I know what you mean about the self-sabotaging streak. Rationally you can know something but there's a part of you inside that doesn't 'do' words, so you can't reason with it. That part was formed without language and you can tell it a million times that you're worthy, but it has no language so it can't 'hear'.

Psychotherapy has helped me react differently, because although to begin with that inner part of me without language didn't hear the reason or the rationale, just the habit of reacting differently to things really helped. When something becomes a habit that is heard by that inner part of you without language.

I hope this doesn't sound like LA nonsense OP! I really can't recommend psychotherapy highly enough. It has made me cease any behaviour that would be destructive.

Sherlockholmes221b Sat 07-Jun-14 11:19:39

Yes to counselling, no to telling your husband. Why make him suffer? Block every contact with your ex. and move on determined to not make the same mistakes again. Sorry the responses you initially had were so cold when you were looking for support in this. flowers

HalfCracked Sat 07-Jun-14 11:14:40

totally agree with SGB that manipulators have a RADAR for women that find it hard to say no.

HalfCracked Sat 07-Jun-14 11:14:22

wow. You say you find it hard to say no to him. But remember you don't need to justify your no, or qualify it so that he finds your no acceptable. You don't need to phrase it carefully so as not to offend him. Just tell him in language that can't be twisted or manipulated "this is not what I want any more". "that was the past. Good luck, bye". Don't try to earn his approval for telling him that it's over.

Needadvice5 Sat 07-Jun-14 11:10:12

your poor poor husband.....

Torrential Sat 07-Jun-14 11:04:57

I would also forget about NHS counselling. The waiting lists are long and you'll probably only be offered six sessions. I found a private therapist that work for a charity, who charge on a sliding scale according to what you can afford. I would also recommend a female therapist, due to your history of abuse and the dynamic you have around men. Good luck x

Torrential Sat 07-Jun-14 11:02:39

OP - many similarities with my situation.

I was also abused as a teenage girl (I think they would call it 'sexually exploited' by a gang nowadays, but that terminology wasn't used then and the issues weren't on the radar of police and social services etc). I have felt like a 'slut' my entire life, but kept it all inside and maintained a facade of normality and decency as I matured, married, had children etc. The feeling didn't go away, though.

I also had an affair with an abusive ex with (different) serious fetishes. I also found myself unable to say 'no'.

My DH is also a lovely, kind man and the only decent man I have ever had a relationship with. The realization of just how much I have hurt him is devastating and shameful, and like you, because of the dark sexual nature of the affair (and my issues), it is hard to see how anybody would be sympathetic or understanding. So it remains a dirty secret, and that is very damaging.

I am a way along the path from you. My DH found out about the affair. It is over now. My DH and I are trying to save our marriage. I cannot tell you how awful it has been, having to be brutally honest with my husband about the nature of the affair, and with myself about the issues I clearly have. However, I am glad that it has come out. The dirty secret is out, I cant run away from it any more and I have to face up to it.

I have am having psychotherapy to try to understand this masochistic, self sabotaging streak in me and make some changes. It is really painful, but I would highly recommend it.

I can understand how you are struggling to 'just say no', cut contact etc. You need to get some support to do that. Psychotherapy is a good option.

dollius Sat 07-Jun-14 06:44:12

Look, this all goes back to the vulnerable child you were when you were groomed and abused by a teacher. It explains why you felt so unable to say no to this guy.

You must address this issue in counselling now because you are clearly in crisis as this has all come to a head.

If you can afford it, I would just find a counsellor and pay myself to avoid waiting.

CarbeDiem Sat 07-Jun-14 03:28:12

Block him properly this time - absolutely no more contact.
You've both been as bad as each other imo.
Yes to seeking some therapy.
I agree with Solid, some predatory men do have a radar, I've had the misfortune to learn.

Aussiebean Sat 07-Jun-14 03:15:56

Maybe what you need to do is start breaking down. Maybe you need to go to a counsellor and have a damm good cry for the poor child you were. Then once you have cried all you need to, you can start rebuilding yourself to being someone that a man with a radar won't bother with.

First thing first though. Block him

NickiFury Sat 07-Jun-14 00:04:48

It's time to talk to a trained counsellor about this. You need to go to your GP ASAP. Look we have ALL made mistakes, I could tell you stories that would shockshockshock you, but in no way does that mean anyone's better off without me, then or now and that's the same for you.

Something4theweekend Sat 07-Jun-14 00:00:55

Do you want to know the worst thing in all this? I actually think my wonderful, sweet, loving husband would forgive me. He is the safest man in the world and only ever wants to protect me and I have betrayed him in the worst way I ever possibly could.

I can't face that though, I can't see him hurt like that by me. I'll make an appointment with the doctor and ask to be re referred. I don't know I just need to get it all out. I feel like I'm suffocating. Like maybe everyone would just be better off without me.

NickiFury Fri 06-Jun-14 23:53:18

You're not a slut sad. Don't say that. You do need some REAL help to deal with everything that's happened to you. Could you talk to your DH? What is his reaction likely to be? Would it be safe?

Something4theweekend Fri 06-Jun-14 23:45:24

I know nicki I am worse than scum for the way I have behaved. I can't ever tell DH though, it would crush him all I can do is try and be the best wife I can be from now on and make it up to him.

solidgold thank you for the suggestion but I really struggle to talk about it all with anyone. My doctor did refer me to counselling as I was diagnosed with BED but I struggle to talk about things without breaking down completely, I'm also very aware if I tell people the whole truth they will just thing I'm a complete slut, maybe I am but that means I try and hide things. I've never told anyone the full extent of the abuse, but when you say guys like this have a radar it makes sense and explains other things from when I was really young.

NickiFury Fri 06-Jun-14 23:38:53

Ok, seriously, what advice? You've ended it, what you mustn't do is respond to him in any way again.

Honestly though I think your DH deserves to know that he has never been in the marriage he thought he was. His whole life with you has been a lie. That's horrendous sad

SolidGoldBrass Fri 06-Jun-14 23:37:04

I recommend a decent psychosexual counsellor, given that you have been abused and groomed in the past. Unfortunately, men like your 'friend' have a type of radar which helps them detect women who are, even if they appear tough and competent, a degree of vulnerability. There's nothing inherently wrong with his particular fetish, but there is something wrong with his fondness for manipulating you to get his needs met.

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