Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
He's deluded isn't he?(32 Posts)
Ok, I know I'm going to get utterly flamed for this but I need to get it out.
When I was at college(I was 17) over a decade ago I met a guy who I had a huge crush on, he was a few years older then me and had a girlfriend so I never thought anything would come of it but we became friends and I got on well with him and his girlfriend. We used to go to the gym together the three of us, sometimes just me and him. I used to try and impress in the gym(lifting heavier weights, trying new exercises etc). Unbeknown to me at the time this guy actually has a bit of a fetish for women exercising and seeing them struggle.....
Anyway towards the end of the school year he gave me a lift home one day, came in for a drink and a chat convinced me to do some exercises with him, one thing led to another and we slept together. It wasn't really that great was a one off and that was that I thought we'd stay friends. By this point I was dating my now DH, DH didn't like him and he didn't like DH so friendship eventually petered out.
However, over the years we have on occasion got back into contact, he confessed his fetish to me and ultimately for the last 7 or 8 years we've had a bit of an on again off again affair. Whereby we've met I've done things that he fantasised about and we've had sex. In all honesty I don't know why I kept going back, even though at times I was really uncomfortable with what he wanted I couldn't find a way to say no to him. We'd have no contact for months, then he'd text and I'd be that teenager again desperate to impress.
The last time we were together he was really quite rough during sex and I vowed never to see him again, I knew I was risking my marriage every time I lied and made an excuse to see OM and I felt sick at the thought of what DH finding out would mean OM is not someone I want to spend my life with.
OM has an obsession with us seeing each other 'one last time' because he wants me to do a 'killer workout' as that will be the biggest turn on he's ever seen. I've kept texting him, honestly, I'm not sure why, but every time he's asked to meet I've made an excuse not to see him.
So last week we were fb messaging then I suddenly get a text saying his wife has found the messages. I say hope he's alright and can sort it I'm sorry etc etc. I also immediately delete his number, delete and block him and his wife on mine and my DH Facebook. I honestly have never felt so ill and really realised just exactly what I was risking and knew how much I could loose.
Then today I get a text from him, although I deleted his number I didn't
T block it, knew it was him from the message. Said I was surprised to hear from him. He asked why??? A bit of back and forth and turns out he's convinced his DW we have never had sex and seems to think we'll just carry on? I don't want that, this was my out but he keeps going on about one last time. Today's conversation ended when I said he needs to tell his wife his fantasies and ask her to fulfil I wasn't going to do it anymore.
I know I'm right but Christ he is deluded isn't he? I really need to stand firm on this but I've never ever been able to say no in this kind of situation, I'm assuming the inability I have goes back to previous sexual abuse and a 'relationship' I had with a teacher from when I was about 12 - 16. In all honesty OM was the first 'normal' man to show an interest and I so desperately wanted to be normal.
But how can I stop being that teenager?
I totally understand and agree HalfCracked.
The rational 'me' is a decent, moral person. I am a good friend, a loving mother, have a professional career and care about people. I'm not a bitch. And I am strong. I can be assertive at work, and on behalf of other people. I see myself as a feminist and as someone who doesnt put up with crap.
But you are so right about the part inside that 'cant hear' the rational. There is this part of me that still feels like a slutty, confused 15 yr old. I've always coped by telling her to 'shut up', but the affair I had was like that 'me' rebelling and saying 'no, I wont shut up!'. its like the abuse has kept this part of me a stunted, scared, ashamed little girl. Thats an over simplification, but thats it in a nutshell.
Psychotherapy (although still early days for me) has been incredibly powerful.
I'm not justifying my own shabby actions (or the OPs). Its not about playing victim. There is a decent men involved here (the husbands) and they are the real victims. But I do believe that the OP (like me) needs help to overcome this, or she will be forever playing out these damaging, destructive patterns in her life.
Sorry for the waffle. Just very close to home.
You poor thing.
The thing is, you wrote in your title, he's deluded.
He isn't. He really isn't because you've gone along with everything so far, so everything has become real.
But he's not the issue. Block him, forget about him and really work on yourself - not your body, but your head. Spend your gym time with a good counselor.
I do know of a couple of good psychosexual counsellors, both of whom are women. I will have a quick dig around for some links. They are both based in London but I know one of them at least is part of some nationwide network or charity.
(sorry to sound a bit vague - they are both people I have known through work/social scene and while I know they are kind, open-minded and thoroughly trained, I haven't gone into that much detail with them about their profession).
Nedadvice5 - I hope you are never actually in the position of needing advice. What on earth was the point of your post?
OP - agree with SGB (and others) that you need counselling - and to see that it's not about you being a slut. Also - make sure you totally block this man.
Sorry - Needadvice5, clearly. Although maybe ned was more appropriate ...
Thank you all for the help and advice. DH has private medical insurance through his work so I've made contact with them. I know need to find a psychotherapist locally that they work with(this is down to me to do) and mKe appointments. Going to cost us the excess but will hopefully be worth it on the long run
So worth it! I only had 8 sessions. Now, if ud bought uggs, scent, pairs of good jeans a handbag and a dwsigner pair if sunglasses in 2010, chances are they'd be ripped faded lost etc in 2014....
It was so worth it cis it is such an investment in to yourself. Nothing is as valuable to you as YOU
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.