tearfull help needed with my relationship

[gemmanails]

Hi, I just wanted to share a story with all to see if you could help. I'm again in a desperate tearfull state and can't sort this.

I'm a mid 30's mum of two beautiful little boys. I live in a leafy suburb with my children and partner and have been having horendous relationship problems.

Here's my story, hoping so much someone can help or advise. Sorry it might be a bit long.

A little over 10 years my partner who's salesman went to an office party and stayed the night in a hotel. I knew when he came home something was wrong as he brought me some flowers. Not saying all flowers mean guilt but we had little money and didn't really buy gifts for wach other like that with things tight.

I had a bad feeling from the start about the party and it started to play on my mind. Things got bad with us arguing and being distant and I blurted out that I thought he was seeing someone else. He got all red faced and I knew this was true. After weeks and weeks of crying and asking him he eventually told me he went back to a hotel room with a girl from the sales office.

He told me he was too drunk to do anything and ended up just lying in bed with her. After him telling me this I broke down and ended up on anti-depressants as I just couldn't believe what had happened.

The pressure got so much after a few weeks I ended up tracking down this girl who was actually married and phoning her up. She told me they had sex and even asked me if there is anything else she can help me with!

I put this to my partner but he said he was telling the truth and she was lying and that he loved me and was sorry. I was devasted that everything I thought we had was lost.

My partner soon after quit his job and we tried many times to sort things out to keep our family together.

Over the past 10 years we seem to go round in circles. Things are ok and then I get distant from him and again bring up the past and ask him exactly what went on, he tells me he is telling the truth and we are ok for a bit and then I get depressed.

I can't get past this. All I want to know if the truth I feel as a mother I deserve that and my children don't suffer with me breaking down, crying and feeling sad.

I love my partner and he says he loves me but I can't bare this situation it is making me really ill.

I know it is 10 years ago but things just trigger my thoughts and I can't get closure as I feel I will never know who is telling the truth. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

I'm close today to leaving him as it has just got bad again, I don't know if this is the right thing to do as deep down I really love him.

I'm sat on the stairs crying again wondering what to do. Do i push him more for the truth, try to forget and live my life in circles of depression or just move on. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated. Yours Gemma

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry you're in such a vicious circle. Once trust has gone from a relationship, something very important dies. Mistrust means that whether he's telling the truth or whether he's lying, you don't believe him.... and that's quite normal, don't worry. Trying to make yourself trust someone that you don't trust is - as you've discovered - an almost impossible task. That you have been depressed for much of the intervening 10 years suggests that the stress of trying to square away the mistrust is too high.

Have you ever, as a couple, undergone professional counselling? Is that what you mean by 'tried many times to sort things out'? Have you ever had some time apart e.g. a trial separation? Some people believe that breaking up the family is the worst possible outcome and will do everything to avoid it, believing that it is best for their children. But children have eyes and ears and, if they are growing up in a tense or unhappy family, that can be very damaging as well.

[balenciaga]

Oh bless you op

How on earth have you managed to get through 10 years with this in the background?

No real advice I'm afraid but sounds suspect. Sorry.

[gemmanails]

Hi CogitoErgoSometimes I agree it is mistrust I love him so much but there is always somethign there.

We went to get help with Relate Counseling a few years ago. Had two sessions but it didn't really work out. I've been considering a trial separation.

Thank you JustTheRightBullets, I feel sad to agree deep down I know the truth otherwise I feel I would have just accepted what he tells me and it would have gone away by now. That's why I keep pleading with him to tell me. It isn't the sex I feel i could cope with that it's just the not knowing inside me that is tearing me up.

What I want to do is live happily ever after with my family and this is what makes me cry.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It is so hard to get the trust back.
I tried but I knew I couldn't get past it.

Just because you said you would work on it and you have worked on it, doesn't mean you can't change your mind.

But I have few sayings that helped me:-

When you accept somebody, you accept their past too. Don`t hold it against them later.

Make peace with your past so it won't mess up the present

Your past does not have to be your future.

I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.

[gemmanails]

Hi balenciagi it's been difficult we have months of being ok and go on holiday and do things together but then I just get angry inside. It's like things trigger it, you know watching couples happy together, tv programs, little things that upset me so much even watching the boys play together. He asked me to marry him and I went frozen, how can I without knowing. I want to believe him so much but just can't that stupid girls voice gives me nightmares and repeats what she said in my mind over and over again.

[gemmanails]

Thank you hellsbellsmelons you name has made me smile and your wise words have lifted my chin. Something to think about.

You've tried as well. I'm sorry to hear this, truly.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"That's why I keep pleading with him to tell me. It isn't the sex I feel i could cope with that it's just the not knowing inside me that is tearing me up."

He has told you but you don't believe him because the woman told you something else. If he told you they had sex now, 10 years down the track, would you believe him? How would it make you feel that it took him 10 years to be honest? Is the thing that's tearing you up the infidelity, the lying or the not knowing. It's a no-win situation you're in - hence the stress

[gemmanails]

I think if he told me he now he would say he has done it to protect our realtionship, that's what I think. I know it was a mistake but I feel like the truth has been stolen from me.

No-win, I know this.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... he can't change the circle of depression that you mentioned earlier. Only you can do that. Someone once said that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing but expecting different results. Whatever you've been doing repeatedly (e.g. asking for the truth) over the last 10 years is not working... time to do something different.

[gemmanails]

It's all of the things you mention Cogito as the not knowing involves them all. I so much just want the truth to get me out of this living nightmare.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You may have the truth already. She could be lying and he's been telling the truth all along. That's the trouble. That's the corrosive nature of mistrust.

[gemmanails]

it is time to do something different I agree. I sometimes feel the cycles coming like a cold sickening wind and I know to well the outcome that ends in arguements. I've tried to join clubs get into hobbies meet friends. All I want is him and all of him.

[gemmanails]

this is pH15 on the corrosive scale. I just can't understand why she would lie. I've tried to look inside her and see it from her point through her eyes, why would she.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You can't undo what has happened, unfortunately. You weren't convinced he was telling the truth 10 years ago and you're no further forward today. You say he changed job shortly after, does the new job mean spending time away? Do you feel relaxed if he's not with you? Does the mistrust appear in other forms e.g. checking his e-mails etc?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I've tried to look inside her and see it from her point through her eyes, why would she."

Put on the spot by an angry wife, one person might duck for cover and minimise but another might decide to be hung for a sheep as well as a lamb. I don't think that's the issue here however.

[JuliaScurr]

I think you would benefit from professional couple counselling. The mere fact of someone impartial witnessing what you both say could make a difference in whether you believe each other, good or bad

[gemmanails]

Hi that's correct I don't feel any further forward. It feels as real today as the shock 10 years ago. He doesn't spend time away with work he works in the village so quite close to home we share working and looking after the boys. We don't really spend any time apart or go out or away with friends on our own. He does go to football once in a while. With regards to mistrust this comes when I start getting angry and questioning him again. At this time I think he could do it again. I don't check his phone or emails though.

What do you think the issue is?

[gemmanails]

Thank you JuliaScurr I may suggest we try this again.

[balenciaga]

I agree you need proper couples counselling too, perhaps not relate as IME they are shit (although other posters may have had better experiences). Cogito, as ever, speaks great sense as well

Would he be up for that do you think? If not then I would suggest he is not invested as much in the relationship as you but I he is ten that's a good sign

For what it's worth by the way, it is possible to cheat and still love the person you're with. If, and that's IF he did sleep with her (and it was, say, a drunken one off) then it's very possible that he massively regrets it because you are and have always been the one he wants. It doesn't mean it's right IF he has lied but it possibly does mean he lied to save your relationship

I hope this helps as you sound lovely and so desperate. and I have also been in a similar ish situation and it's hell.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You gave him another chance. He has stayed and you have had two DCs together. But over the years you have been unable to fully forget or trust as you did. He hasn't succeeded in reassuring you. You can't bring yourself to marry him.

Has he given you cause for concern? Is he a loving hands-on dad? If he hasn't put a foot wrong since this has been punishment. But since you are no happier this is taking its toll on you too.

Try Relate again. (Ask for a discount - I think some Relate centres will negotiate the fee if you let them know that it might be a financial struggle).

PS Why would that female lie? To settle a score with her DH perhaps. Or to exit a failing marriage of her own by getting off with a married man whom she knew wouldn't be available to be a nuisance to her afterwards.

[Madamecastafiore]

2 things I've learnt on here.

1. They never tell. You the whole truth, just what they think you will forgive.

1. Life's too bloody short to be unhappy. You could have remarried, had more children and spared yourself a whole truckload of heartache.

[Jan45]

I believe her, she has no reason to lie, he does, this is probably why you can't get passed it because he hasn't actually been truthful so you still do not trust him, totally understandable.

Until he comes completely clean and admits he's done wrong the I don't see you ever getting past it.

[overmydeadbody]

I think you should just accept that this relationship is over, and has been for ten years, and you don't have to go on pretending to be a happy couple.

End it.

There will never be a happily ever after. If after ten years you haven't moved on you never will, And you don't have to. Even if you still think you 'love' him, that doesn't mean you have to stay together and cry sitting on the stairs. Life is too short.

I hope you find the strength in you to move forward with your life, put this in the past and do the best you can. But stop looking for a happily ever after, your life is not a film and films are not representative of real life. Life is hard work and a struggle. But you need to find contentment and I don't think you will staying in this relationship.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"What do you think the issue is?"

'Cognitive dissonance'. Dictionary definition The excessive mental stress and discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time. You had two conflicting versions of the same event and you have chosen to continue to be with the person you don't believe because you say you love them and you want the whole person. The two things are not compatible.