I have never been so unhappy

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry me again, posting about the same old rubbish. Don't know how I have got in such a mess. Just to remind split from X of 20 years, NC for months. We have some how got to the situation where he stays here several nights of the week and every weekend. Our relationship is much improved but there are still big issues with his drinking and odd behaviour sometimes. Will just runaway to his little pad if things get too much for him.

I was OLD but not seeing anyone else atm, I would feel guilty. I am in such a mess moneywise just feel I am going to drown, and just totally adrift, the only thing keeping on the straight and narrow is DS, I just can't see a point in anything, feeling really hopeless, I have to say I have never felt so low in my life and just don't know how to even start getting myself out of this. Don't really know why I am posting but just needed to vent I suppose. Kick up the ass maybe

[mistlethrush]

WHY is he staying during the week and at weekends? You were in such a better place when he wasn't there. I bet he's eating your food, adding to your bills and not contributing a penny in any way at all.

He needs to sort out his MH. Once he's done that, there is some hope that you might be able to have an amicable relationship in the future - but please send him off to his 'pad' and start looking after yourself rather than him.

[mistlethrush]

(That was the kick... but I would like to give some really supportive hugs too)

[Blossomflowers]

mistle he is actually contributing. I know you are probably right but I want him here but logically just know I can not continue like this, just in limbo. Oh total shit

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you have to make the split properly if you're to stop drifting. There's no way you can plan for the future when your past is hanging around like a bad smell. He can't be allowed to carry on this way because it's got to be adding to your feelings of hopelessness and it must be very confusing for your DS.

Money is a separate matter. If you are in debt please talk to someone like CAB or another free debt advice organisation. If you are depressed please talk to your GP. Do you have friends? Family you can turn to for help?

[littlegreengloworm]

No no. You need to cut ties now. I was in an on and off relationship for years and its no good. You are not together for a reason and it must be loneliness wanting there? It's not healthy.

[mistlethrush]

He should be contributing for DS anyway, so he's not going to get out of it that easily.

What makes you think that you want him here? Surely you wanted the person that you originally fell in love with here, not the person that he's proved to you that he actually is?

[Blossomflowers]

Thanks cog wise words as ever. I know I deserve better and when I try to keep away I find it impossible not text and invite him over, this is all my own fault I know but seem on a road to self destroy.
Money wise I am talking to people but just owe too much now, just need to look @ priorities I suppose. Everyone will have to wait

[Jan45]

Blossom, sorry to hear this but not at all surprised. He's using you love, and pissing off when things get too serious for him, plus, it seems to now have stopped you going out with anyone.

All I can say is try and build up a better social life so you are not relying on him for company, I'm sure you can get better than that!

Tell him he can't stay cos you can't afford to feed him and allow him to use your utilities, you're up shit creek financially.

[Blossomflowers]

Thanks Jan I think that is exactly what I need to do, have friends coming over tonight. tbh I have been chatting to a couple of guys, think he would be nice to meet up for drink, nothing serious but gets me out of the house. Sadly my best friend goes away every weekend. All of this my fault I know it, I am just a crap person and should be happier with my own company. Trouble is I actually really enjoy being with him

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Trust me, I know only too well what bad decisions and compromises can be justified when the alternative is night after night of being on your own, battling with your problems. Yes you deserve better but, from your perspective, there is no 'better' on the horizon. Not judging you for that, just pointing out that, even though it feels good short-term, long-term it'll perpetuate the depression.

Who are you talking to about the money problems?

[Jan45]

Well enjoy his company but stop giving him preferential treatment cos he's treated you like shite in the past and I don't see that changing. Go on dates! Meet as many friends or get them round, see him but don't make him your main focus. I don't think you're down just cos of money, I think it's him too.

[mistlethrush]

I saw a thread of someone else here whose Ex left her when pregnant in a house they only moved to because she sold her house and moved her two children in to a house that could also accommodate Ex's DSs as appropriate. He left her in the lurch. She managed to rent out 3 rooms in the house - with the prospect of a new baby being in the house too. Whilst you might not be in such a popular location for this, is something like this something that you might be able to consider for a few months whilst you get things a bit more back on track?

[Blossomflowers]

mistle I have thought about this, we are very rural and spare room needs some serious tarting up, but would be prepared top do this atleast help pay the mortgage

[Jan45]

Blossom have you thought about taking in foreign students, I did it for just under a year and made a small fortune, taking two at a time, so even bunk beds would sort that. And, it would keep you busy getting the room ready and registered etc...?

[Blossomflowers]

Jan Another good idea but am worried we may be too rural so a car needed, mind you some neighbours did it a few years ago, where would I find out about that?

[louby44]

Blossom I too am bloody miserable. So lonely and miss my ex but I'm feeling better day by day. I would feel even better if he hasn't made his pathetic re-appearance last month!

My 2 DS are getting older and don't need me as much. I have tons of friends and go out a few times a month. I have a great job which I love but the thought of being on my own forever is so depressing.

My ex husband (divorced 8 years now) messed me about a lot when we split in 2006. I spent nearly 2 years waiting for him to sort himself out and in the end I just had enough and began divorce proceedings, it was during this time I met my partner (now ex). I wasted 2 years of my life hoping for something that would never have worked.

It will never work with your exH now, the damage has been done. He isn't committed to you as he keeps bolting back to his bachelor pad. I can understand that having him about is a comfort, company etc but it won't be good in the long run.

Where in the country are you?

[Blossomflowers]

louby Shite isn't it, I think it is partly my age too, in late 40's thought of me rattling around this house depresses to hell out of me.
jan I think you are right, I must stop making him any kind of priority , I should not feel guilty seeing other people as he is niot the slightest bit commited to me. Even said the other night that if an attactive lady came on to him he would take up the offer. Dick

[mistlethrush]

Blossom, is it worth going to see your mortgage company and finding out whether they would transfer your mortgage if you downsized it - but either extend the term or use the difference in amounts to pay off a lump so that the payments were reduced? Perhaps you could move to a location which would make it more easy for your son to get to school, more easy for you to socialise, and shed the baggage that your current house has for you.

Possible lodgers / students - ask your neighbours who they went through. If you search 'rent a room' on google you will find that there are companies that allow you to advertise your spare room for different opportunities. If you live in the country you might find that people would welcome the opportunity to come and stay and use you as a base for exploring.

[Blossomflowers]

mistle I have spoken to mortgage company and moving not an option as my credit rating is trashed, I know it would make sense but sadly am trapped here, I think that makes it worse. Should I sell I would have very little equity left and would then have to be in rented, always looked as this as my pension. I need to pull myself tog and work harder and smater, if no money problems life would be much better.

[Jan45]

Even said the other night that if an attractive lady came on to him he would take up the offer

How much more does he have to say, he's using you Blossom, you know it, get back to how you were, dating and having fun.

[Blossomflowers]

I am going to actually, I need to find my dignity. Things need to be back on my terms as he seems to be calling all the shots right. fwiw if someone did come on to him that he fancied he would run a mile. We were apart for several months and did not manage to find anyone else, strangely he is not like that. I know he would have taken great joy in telling me about seeing someone. As he feels I betrayed him when I was seeing other people.

[LBZT]

Just a thought but have you thought about renting your house to cover the morgage therefore still keeping the property and then renting somewhere more convenient (cheaper) for yourself and DS.

[Blossomflowers]

LBZT That is a very good idea, will look into that see if sums add up. I would have a lot of work getting this place up together so more of a long term idea.

[Blossomflowers]

Update another stupid night with him managed to stop him driving off in late pissed off his head. He has finally pushed me to limit, was coming back this PM to go for lunch, did not turn up and ignored me. Then got DS got a text from a school mate saying Dad was down pub pissed up. Have reported him to police for drinking and driving, now feel sick. But know right thing to do. Finally the end I think.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Blossomover the years you gave him a lot and it's hard switching all your feelings off. You saw him sit up and take notice only after you'd dated some new men and before then it was quite a loveless relationship for years.

Having had a child together you can't yet cut him out completely. Obviously if DS were grown up you wouldn't be in the position of having to maintain any contact. No you're not crap for caring or being unable to detach but he isn't exactly sprinkling your life with fairy dust is he.

You may be prepared to accept the boomerang back and forth but it wears you down and while he knows you are willing to try again what incentive does he have for changing? Glad you reported him it might not be just himself he injures.