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my SIL and MIL are destroying our marriage

(73 Posts)
meredefille Wed 04-Jun-14 22:31:47

every time we talk about them, there is a heated discussion where DH accuses me of being mean and unreasonable. basically me and the in laws had a massive falling out post a miscarriage where instead of supporting us, sil told dh that he should rid a mental head case like myself. she wrote it in an email and since dh and i share an ipad and he knows i read his emails, i read that one of the sil. i rebutted by writing to her that she's beng a nasty piece of work. she told my mil who then said she does not want to talk or see me ever again as i had said unkind things to her daughter.

now i am 5 months pregnant and i had told my husband my feelings of him taking our first born to meet them. they live abroad.

we went through 4 years ivf to get to this stage so the baby is very precious to us.

last time i was pregnant, we received lukewarm congratulations and post the marriage instead of supporting me tgey turned against me. how am i supposed to allow dh to bring our baby on a plane away from me to see the in laws?i can't stomach the thought.

this issue is affecting our marriage. my mil is a controlling woman, my dh is mummys boy, his sister is a poisonous single mum who is bitter with life.

i feel i married into a dysfunctional family, but my dh is lovely though he always stand on their side.

i dont know what to do?
they live about 9 hours flight away from us. i dont want to bring my baby there because i dont want to fly there for nothing and stay with them only to be picked on. since day 1 his mother has been reluctant to accept me without having met me.

everytime we talk about them, dh abd i would end up sour faced or arguing fiercely with him slamming the door and me crying non stop. this is not good.

how should i behave?
i think he should stand by my side and stop defending them or make excuses for their behaviour.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 04-Jun-14 22:54:03

how should you behave? the easy answer is in the best interests of your child.

the difficult bit, sometimes, is working out what they are.

baby is not going to be ready to leave his mother for ages anyway. it does not do a child good to leave their primary carer for quite a while I think. there was an australian study out some time ago. it is not good for a child to be in a stressful situation.

how you are going to get your h to see this I do not know. I think you have a problem with your h as well as your sil/mil. it is often easier to blame them when it is his reactions to stuff that are making it worse for you not better. (shouting and sulking)

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 04-Jun-14 23:06:25

If you can't talk about the bitches in his family without falling out, then just don't discuss them. They can be dead to you, if you like.

Stop stressing about him taking your child abroad to visit his family. That's no going to happen for a very long time yet, if ever. If you don't want to accompany him, you don't have to.

winkywinkola Thu 05-Jun-14 00:01:30

I would be deeply uncomfortable with my dcs being taken to another country to visit relatives who only wished me ill.

I would tell your dh that until mil and sil apologise they get no part of your family.

It is not in the interests of any child to be exposed to such people. They sound utterly horrendous.

Why isn't your dh telling them to apologise to you, his life partner? Why is he such a spineless twerp?

I would stand firm and say visits aren't happening ever until they start treating you with some respect.

meredefille Thu 05-Jun-14 01:17:44

he is spineless, mummys boy and the ever bug brother to his sister who always has problems..

i think we may divorce if i dont let him bring our baby, but would it be so bad?

meredefille Thu 05-Jun-14 01:18:12

i mean big brother

MexicanSpringtime Thu 05-Jun-14 04:25:55

Maybe for the moment you should stop talking about his family with him and as for the baby travelling to visit them, as has already been said above, that is a long time in the future.

Enjoy your pregnancy and don't be crossing bridges until you come to them or fighting about "what ifs". You owe it to your baby not to stress.

I make it a policy not to criticise other people's families to them, because of course they are all loyal to their family. As they live abroad it is not something that is going to affect you the way it can affect people who have the family next door.

winkywinkola Thu 05-Jun-14 06:06:05

What about loyalty to their wife, the mother of their child?

dirtybanana Thu 05-Jun-14 06:31:39

I'm guessing if its a country 9 hours flight away, they may be keener for the baby to visit if its a boy rather than a girl.

tobysmum77 Thu 05-Jun-14 06:49:25

there is no way my children would fly 9 hours to stay on their own with someone I didn't like.

What if dh while he is out there is bullied by them into not bringing the child back if he is 'spineless' sad . Shudder, sorry absolutely no way.

redcaryellowcar Thu 05-Jun-14 06:49:31

whilst i appreciate you won't like your mil / sil, i would tactically ignore them Aaron relatives at the moment. what you need to work on is getting your husband to be part if your new family unit.
he will find it really hard to have a fall out with them, if you are clever you can get him to be loyal to you without the need to lose his relationship with them.
i found the best way to manage my dh/ pil / sil relationships was to leave dh to speak to them and to avoid arguments say as little as possible to my dh about them e.g. not entering into arguments etc. simply state your bottom line, e.g i don't want the baby travelling without me.
try not to let other people ruin this lovely time, enjoy it as much as possible.

neverendingnemo Thu 05-Jun-14 06:58:50

have been in a similar situation in the past.

Agree with PP, juat don't bring it up. let your DH do the emailing, phoning but avoid them and this topic. they are a 9h flight away, not next door.

as for the baby travelling. don't worry, this is still a long time away. and ince the baby has turned into an unruly toddler, I can assure you, your DH will find the prosoect of taking your DC alone on a long journey anything but off putting.

Rideronthestorm Thu 05-Jun-14 07:05:14

I agree with the others, you don't have to deal with this now and won't have to for a very long time. When your DC is older then you can talk about it then.

If your DH wants to take DC to see his family when DC is older then maybe stay at home. I don't think you can forbid it, DC is his child as well.

dollius Thu 05-Jun-14 07:11:46

You can forbid it actually. Both parents have to agree to a child leaving the country and if there is even the slightest suspicion that the child wouldn't be returned, then do not agree to it.

Personally I would be applying for the baby's passport as soon as he is born and then hiding it.

If your husband wants a divorce because you don't want him to take your baby on a nine-hour flight to visit people who have been verbally abusive about you, then he is a twat.

Your problem is not the in laws, it is your husband.

Jenny70 Thu 05-Jun-14 07:21:29

The baby isn't born yet, and if you are breastfeeding it won't be practical for him to fly 9hrs with baby (and WHO recommends at least 2yrs of bf;)). And when baby is toddler, it will be hell to fly solo 9hrs...

Can you deflect this, saying you won't discuss it until baby is at least 1yr old, it isn't good for their emotional development to be separated from primary caretaker... they should be the ones to visit your country (and stay elsewhere).

It is very telling that he will accept them to be so disrespectful to his wife, mother of his child... this would be ringing alarm bells to me.

Chunderella Thu 05-Jun-14 09:19:13

Just refuse to allow the baby to go. Might also be a good idea to consider exclusive breastfeeding, if you're worried he might try and pressure you into allowing the baby to travel away from you whilst little.

BarbarianMum Thu 05-Jun-14 10:18:55

You do not have to let your child go abroad without you (nor do you have to visit people who treat you badly). If you are worried about your husband taking the baby abroad without your permission there are legal steps you can take to prevent this.

There are worse things than divorce.

Tellanovella Thu 05-Jun-14 10:26:07

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I am disgusted by the witches on your behalf.

Seen this type of thing before. It doesn't end we'll.

You and your husband will end up resenting each other. Hatred will set. The witches won't stop until they've split you up.

I'm sorry to have to say that but it's better you know now. You're husbands already been unsupportive and that won't change.

Enjoy your baby OP. Happy that worked out for you.

Tellanovella Thu 05-Jun-14 10:28:50

By the way they don't deserve to see your baby if they treat you like that. Oh and they will probably start trying to turn the baby against you.

I'm rooting for you.

Kaluki Thu 05-Jun-14 11:59:03

Who said the baby won't be returned???
I agree that you should leave this discussion until the baby is at least a year old.
But there may come a time a few years down the line when your DH wants his family to meet his child which he has every right to. This will be a lot harder for you if you and he are divorced.

dollius Thu 05-Jun-14 12:02:49

No it won't. Even if they get divorced, he still can't take the child out of the country without the mother's permission.

He doesn't have any "rights" to anything. Parents don't have "rights". Only children have rights to a relationship with both their parents. In-laws/grandparents definitely have no rights whatsoever.

Tellanovella Thu 05-Jun-14 12:04:28

That's exactly right Dollius.

CraicWhore Thu 05-Jun-14 12:18:30

Enjoy your pregnancy OP. You and your baby are the important ones here and balls to everyone else.
I would apply for the passport, but the papers would go 'missing' in the post/ passport office being unreasonably slow etc. or perhaps cut the games and say no. If they really want to see the child they can get a plane themselves can't they.

mrsmopps Thu 05-Jun-14 15:07:08

I agree with others who have said it isn't an issue just now and wait till the baby is a year old etc but why should you spend between now and then worrying?
I think you need to sort it out now.
I wouldn't let your DH take the child alone.
is it an option to visit the family but you, DH and baby stay in a hotel?
why can't his relatives visit you? Surely that would be easier than taking a toddler on a 9 hour flight?

meredefille Thu 05-Jun-14 16:49:25

just to clarify my dhs family lives in the usa.
i am just really cross with dh, have not talked to him since yesterday

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