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How to get myself out of this.

(20 Posts)
noballs Wed 04-Jun-14 18:30:49

I live in this sh*t relationship of 25 years, only relationship I have ever had, violent partner, who admittedly hasn't hurt me since he broke some bones (that's a positive) I work long hours, have an allotment to relax (which seriously pisses him off) . I need to get out of this but don't have the balls basically. He has a girlfriend because I won't sleep with him - its worth it. All he does is sit on the couch and snore and maintains he runs this amazing business, mmm, well. He has told people he is moving out but hasn't shown any signs of this. I can't ask him because he would go off the deep end. Would need to sell the property if he moved out ( but thats not an issue). He still wishes to go out in the evenings with me ( tells all our friends he has a girlfriend but still expects me to go out them and him) but I really don't know how to get him out of my life, I don't have the balls to force it because I am scared sh*tless of him. Please tell me to get a life and stop being to bloody stupid, pathetic and chinless. Life is beginning to be pointless, I do have amazing parents and no kids.

Smilesandpiles Wed 04-Jun-14 18:39:25

He has a girlfriend
Broke bones
gets annoyed when you go out
he telling people he's moving out

Did you call the police when he broke your bones?
If not, why not?

You need to get out and stay with someone else. ANYONE ELSE. NOW.

Smilesandpiles Wed 04-Jun-14 18:41:31

Don't you think you are worth more than this?

You deserve so much more than this.

Move in with your parents. Bollocks to anything else. Just get out of there and move to somewhere safe.

DevonCiderPunk Wed 04-Jun-14 18:41:31

You are not pathetic, stupid or chinless. You can show yourself what you are worth and you can set your mind to being out of it.

noballs Wed 04-Jun-14 18:42:03

Because I was scared of the aftermath if I told the police, and of course it was my fault because I wound him up, then I began to wonder if it was, see no balls.

ShimmeringInTheSun Wed 04-Jun-14 18:43:09

First thing to make absolutely clear is that you are not stupid, pathetic and chinless. Rather that your self esteem and self confidence is on the floor, thanks to this hellish relationship.

You're working - that's good because it makes you independent.

What's to stop you (when he's not in the house) to start looking around for a private rental that suits just yourself, sort out the deposit and first months rent, ready for when you leave.

Then , when he's not there pack your gear and walk out to your new life, and leave him to fester in his worthless existence.

You say you'd need to sell the property you're in at the moment, so you can instigate that action from a distance, once you're in your new home.

You don't have to wait around for him to do anything. The power is all in your hands. So do it for yourself, and for the rest of your life that you have waiting.

I know exactly what I'm talking about as I did this 30 years ago - and never looked back.

Good luck.

pilates Wed 04-Jun-14 18:43:17

Could you go and stay with your parents whilst you sell the property?

Please leave - your life sounds hell.

zippey Wed 04-Jun-14 18:43:56

Jesus, smiles is a bit aggressive.

I'd start by contacting Woman's Aid and tell them your story. They will be able to help you start the process and make the break.

noballs Wed 04-Jun-14 18:44:35

I don't have the money to move out. I am paying back huge credit card bills.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 04-Jun-14 18:46:09

You don't have to ask him to leave, how about you just pack your bags and go?

If you don't believe you have the strength (and you have lots and lots of strength because you've managed to put up with this shit for so long) then what about contacting Womens Aid? They will help you to get out.

I don't think you are stupid or pathetic. You're disrespected, terrorised, victimised, humiliated and abused. That's a lot to be dealing with on your own when you've had all your confidence sapped by a blood-sucking loser of an arsehole.

noballs Wed 04-Jun-14 18:49:02

He paying the mortgage and buys some food ( nothing useful only junk) so he thinks he pays more than his share. Reality is the gas bill alone is more than the mortgage. So I suppose he is keeping me under his thumb by keeping me short of money. Another

whattodoforthebest2 Wed 04-Jun-14 18:49:28

If your name's on the mortgage, then I'd leave, stay at a friend's or parents and get legal advice straight away. You're absolutely not pathetic etc - sometimes the wrong relationship can grind you down without you realising (been there). You'll feel like a whole new, positive person once you're out of there and in control or your own life. He sounds like a complete waste of space. Start thinking about your new life on your own and go for it.

Stay strong thanks

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 04-Jun-14 18:53:59

Women Aid could help you get a place in a refuge so you can save up to find somewhere else to live if you have no friends or relatives who could put you up.

What's the worst that could happen if you don't pay the credit-card bills? A default or CCJ. People have re-built their lives after those.

What's the worst that could happen if you stay? More of the same or even worse. While your confidence ebbs away until there's nothing left of it at all.

One thing I would warn you about is this: abusers who get an inkling of the victim planning to leave are often at their most dangerous. So, if you make any plans you to go you MUST be very, very circumspect.

whattodoforthebest2 Wed 04-Jun-14 18:59:03

Women's Aid will be very used to helping women in your situation, so they'll be able to advise on money matters, bills and your legal position.

You actually come across as very strong and determined - hold that feeling and start making plans. He's the weak one, trying to manipulate you like that.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 04-Jun-14 18:59:37

Darling, once you're out of there you could get a solicitor to force a sale as part of the divorce settlement. Their fees could be paid out of your share of the equity. You're married, so that could be 50% of it.

Think about your possible future: living in a new, safe home with no him, no threats, no humiliation and no debt.

whattodoforthebest2 Wed 04-Jun-14 19:04:52

Are you married, OP?

SandInMySandwiches Wed 04-Jun-14 19:53:54

Oh no. This is so sad. Please get the help of your parents, surely they will want to help you if they are supportive. Do they know the extent of it? If not, tell them. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Even if you end up with no money, there will be solution to that somewhere. Women's Aid is a good place to start.

noballs Fri 06-Jun-14 21:29:21

I'm not in "immediate danger" can womens aid still help ?

fairylightsintheloft Fri 06-Jun-14 21:38:36

you are if he has a history of hitting you and breaking bones and you envisage a possible episode of violence when you have a necessary conversation with him. I agree that you need some advice on the financial side too. If they house is in joint names it won't matter that he pays the mortgage, its a joint asset. As to the debt. my sis did one of those voluntary arrangements where a company pays of the debt, then you pay them back at an agreed, managable rate over a number of years. AVC? It says on her credit rating for 6 years so no mortgage or credit cards for that period but that is almost up now and she and her DH are looking to buy. It allowed for a fresh start. There are always ways round these things. Don;t let it stop you from leaving this situation. Can you parents help in any practical way such as financial or accomodation or even just storing stuff?

heyday Fri 06-Jun-14 22:34:21

No balls eh? You have shown plenty of balls by posting on here and trying to change your life. Don't look too much at the bigger picture ie leaving, debts, fear of his temper... It's all too much to contemplate in one go. Just take one small step next week and phone Women's Aid. Tell them the situation and ask for advice and if they can't give you the advice you need then ask them if they can recommend any other organisations. The debts you can worry about another day.
It won't be easy to change your life but no matter how difficult it will be it surely can never be harder than continuing to live like this for years and years to come.
Make that call. We are all behind you and you can come back to us for support/advice any time you need it.

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