Should I tell my DH the truth?

[Sunshine4444]

Hi

I am new to here and was wondering if you could help.

I am in a massive panic, I am not pregnant yet but am trying so fingers crossed it wont be long! I am worrying as 9 years ago I was in a really violent relationship, very controlling and he stopped me taking the pill so I would get pregnant which I did. I knew it was a life sentence for me so I went ahead with an abortion and didn't tell anyone. I went to the clinic, had the op and drove myself without anyone knowing.

To this day no one knows about it, I have been through counselling and I know it was the right thing to do. I am now happily married but I am so scared that this will be in my notes with the GP or will I have to tell them about this?

I know you shouldn't keep secrets especially from a partner but things in this past relationship have never been spoken about as I didn't get any support from my family.

I don't know if I should tell him and risk him being angry that I haven't said anything in 6 years and also I know he doesn't agree with abortions!

Thanks for any help x

[Granville72]

If you feel you need to be honest and clear your conscience then tell him. I'm sure we've all done things in our past we'd rather forget about, but the past is the past.

You had exceptional circumstances for the abortion and if he's anything of a partner he should be understanding (even if he doesn't like what you're saying)

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

It's up to you. As far as I can remember, the midwife asks if you've been pregnant before (including abortion), but if he's there and you want to keep it secret then you can say no, and then tell her later and say you want it kept confidential.

It's your medical record and nothing should be disclosed without your permission.

Do you really think he would be upset? It's none of his business if you don't want it to be. It's your past, not his. You made the right decision for you. Do what you feel is right.

[Sanch1]

I would tell him, just because he is your DH, he loves you and will want to support you. You will be asked about previous pregnancies at your booking in appointment with a midwife when pregnant, so if you dont tell him you wouldnt want him to come to this. Although, in some areas if the man does come to this appointment he is asked to step outside for 5 minutes in case of things like this. Not all the time though, my DH was present for all of it.

[EmmanuelWoganberry]

He has no right to be angry about something you did in a past relationship, if he is someone worth having a child with then he will be supportive.

If you think it will clear your conscience then have a chat about it, but if you only want to ’confess’ for fear of someone else telling him, they won’t. Your GP won’t tell anyone anything from your private medical records without your consent. The midwife will ask about previous pregnancies in the booking appt but you don’t have to have your husband present at the appointment.

[Sunshine4444]

Thanks so much for your replies.

Maybe it would be best to just say as I would hate for it to just slip out somewhere and he would know then that I did tell the midwife.

Would you be angry though that your partner had not told you something and you have been together for 6 years?

x

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Sunshine, I wouldn't be angry at all. I'd be honoured that they felt safe enough to share a traumatic time with me. But only you know your dh. Does he have antiabortion views? Is be a caring type?

[sunshinejanuary]

Hi Sunshine4444,

I may be remembering this wrong but at your booking in appt you are given a set of notes to keep with you throughout your pregnancy. I think that details
Of previous pregnancies are documented in this. It might be worth discussing what you want written in these with the midwife before she writes anything down as your partner would more than likely see these notes at some point.
I wish you well with whatever you decide xx

[ladyblablah]

The old saying "The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off" might be relevant here.

Of course you should feel like you don't hide anything from your DH, he 'should' accept every part of you. He may be momentarily shocked you felt you couldn't tell him, and that would be understandable. If he reacts in any other way, then he would be a cock. Good litmus test in some ways.

You are who you are. You did what you did for excellent reasons. And so from what you have said, I am sure he will be supportive. Hiding who you are is stressful, everyone needs a place to be completely themselves.

You should have no shame for your situation and treat it in such a way and tell your story.

[Sunshine4444]

Thank you all it's very comforting to read your replies as it is something I have been really stressing about.

Because of what happened it has made me such a private person and I really felt that no one supported me so it has made me put my guard up and talking about it is very hard.

I know we have mentioned abortions before and he has been very against them so that is my worry x

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Then that is different. He may not react well if he thinks they are wrong, and may not be sympathetic.

How would you cope if he told you you had done something wrong (you really haven't btw!)

If his views are narrow minded I would be inclined to keep it to myself. But then, I couldn't be with someone narrow minded. It's a difficult one.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

You have coped amazingly by the way. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for escaping an abusive relationship, going through all that alone, and keeping going and making your life better :) it's impressive.

[Lovingfreedom]

I'm not sure if I would tbh. Depends on your partner I suppose and how comfortable you are discussing it with him. Do what is best for you and tell him if you feel it would help you. I don't think you are morally obliged to tell though if you'd rather keep this to yourself.

[Sunshine4444]

thank you so much fuckyouchrisandthathorse (I love your name by the way!) x

[dreamingbohemian]

I actually think you should tell him, because you need to know before you have children with him what kind of man he really is. Will he be supportive and understanding of your past? Will he be able to put aside his personal feelings and understand how hard this must have been for you?

I was asked about previous pregnancies during one of my scans, my DH was right there so I would have had to lie on the spot if I didn't want him to know.

I don't think we need to tell partners everything but I think in this case you should. He may find out years from now and then it will be even worse.

[honeybeeridiculous]

I work in a maternity hospital. The abortion will be on the hospital notes (if you tell the hospital) but you can request that the details arnt on your hand held notes
Iv seen this quite a few times, on the hospital notes it will say 'TOP' and the date, then will say ' confidential information not on hand held notes'
Best wishes

[Matildathecat]

Only tell him ( and anyone else )if it's what you want.

I'm a midwife and honestly, one early straightforward termination several years ago is of no consequence at all.

But, if you have any trouble conceiving then honesty would be the best thing, healthcare wise. Then you risk your DH finding out and maybe, quite naturally being put out that he didn't know.

So it's a tricky call. If someone is forced into an unwanted pregnancy the having a TOP is not the same as pure carelessness. I'm sure he would see that. And if you had gone ahead and remained in that awful relationship you and DH wouldn't even be together.

I wish you well. You sound amazing.

[Singsongmama]

It is something you did, it isn't who you are. You are now the person your DH fell in love with and married.

It is in the past. Telling your DH might help you to truly overcome it and leave it, until you tell him it may always haunt you. It obviously was a horrible agonising decision and not something you did on a whim.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Thanks sunshine :o

Good luck with whatever you decide.

No matter what his views he has no right to judge your decision. You did the right thing for you at the time.

Good luck with TTC too :)

[PedantMarina]

You had me at the "violent, controlling ... life sentence" part.

I think, given the circs you describe, no rational person could blame you for what you did.

It's your call whether your DH is one such.

Well done on escaping, BTW, and forging a strong life, with clearly not a lot if help from outside. Best of luck.

[liquidstatehasrisenagain]

I had an abortion when I was younger. Dh does not know this. Its not important as in my head it was a different life and I was a different person then. There were over 10 years between the abortion and meeting DH.

Its up to you to tell our DH or not but its not such a bad thing to not tell him. Its part of your past and you have escaped an abusive relationship. (well done for that!!)

Am currently 35+4 with our first child and I still have no regrets.

[CharmQuark]

Sunshine, I am so pleased that you escaped such a violent and abusive relationship, and that you had the strength to save yourself from bringing a child into that violent situation, or allowing him to force you into motherhood against your will.

I am sorry you had no support from your family. No wonder you are wary of sharing things.

Does your DH know about the violence and abuse, or is it just the termination he doesn't know about?

For me, a woman's right to choose is absolute, and in your shoes, I would not want to feel that I needed to withhold information about an abortion because my partner might be anything other than supportive. That doubt , in his ability to support you unconditionally and non judgmentally over a decision you took in the face of violence and emotional abuse is as likely to cause a pervasive lack of trust as you not sharing a secret. How would you feel about a partner who would not support you?

And maybe he would actually put his anti-abortion theory to the test in the face of the horrendous lived experience of the woman he loves. And maybe he would help you re gain some trust in others, having been so badly let down by your family.

I'm not saying rush into telling him, just some things to think about. And ultimately your body and your life are yours to make decisions about and maintain your privacy over.

And relax from your massive panic. You can always say 'no previous pregnancies' and then correct it later when you see the midwife alone some time.

Good luck, Sunshine, whatever you decide. You deserve some luck and joy.

[Granville72]

If I remember correctly from my booking in appointment with the midwife they will ask (if your partner is there) if you are OK answering all the questions in front of your partner. My midwife asked my partner to leave the room for a few seconds to ask about any physical or mental abuse in the home, and vice versa.

The booking in process is just lots of questions and arranging a first scan, nothing that your partner really needs to be there for.

Personally I would tell him. You can relax then and enjoy your pregnancy without the fear of something slipping out.

[AndyYorkeSingsBetterThanThom]

Its going to be with you until you die, even though you know you did the right thing. I know this because my mum had two abortions and was still thinking about them in the days before she died. You need to be able to talk to the people around you, so tell him. If he turns out to be unsupportive, you can escape now rather than hiding something all your life.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Reactions to having had an abortion are entirely individual. Saying it'll be with you until you die is certainly not true for most of the people I know who have made the decision. I would say a tiny minority dwell on their decision in the long term, and those would be mostly made up of people who had been pushed into making a decision they weren't fully sure of.

The op knows she made the right decision. It was not made for the sake of a future husband, it was made for the present situation.

Your history is your own to share with whoever you choose.

Hope you're ok op.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

God I've said 'decision' a lot. I stand by that decision :)