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Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

(350 Posts)
wonderingwendy Mon 02-Jun-14 18:40:33

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

bunchoffives Mon 02-Jun-14 18:50:12

Yes dump him. Or at least keep him away from your DD.

if you want to continue seeing him you'll need to tread really carefully or it will effect your Dd very badly.

if she's jealous or worried about him in another way the best thing to do is slow it right down and keep him away from her. If she genuinely doesn't like him then if I were you I'd respect her gut instinct. Gut feeling s are usually very accurate in kids.

oh and I'd also check if your DS were really ok. Your dd might be too young to disguise what they are all in fact thinking about the bf.

wonderingwendy Mon 02-Jun-14 18:56:24

What ???? Why would I dump him

wonderingwendy Mon 02-Jun-14 18:59:05

She will speak to him and all seems ok but then she will start to be funny after a time and more so when we are out on a date somewhere. I think she just feels like its taking something away form our relationship but thats not the case.we only see each other once a week and yes the boys are fine ive asked many times.

poorfoxyloxy Mon 02-Jun-14 19:00:43

I'd be wondering why she doesn't like him so much, talk to her. Would be alarm bells for me.

NettleTea Mon 02-Jun-14 19:01:05

what exactly doesnt she like.
I agree, my children are very astute and can see right through people. But how soon since you split with her dad - is she jealous, does she feel he is patronising to her

There are many reasons why she might not like him, I think it really depends on the reasons.

oikopolis Mon 02-Jun-14 19:03:36

I would finish with him, or I would only see him when you're on your own. If you only see him once a week, make that once a week somewhere she doesn't have to interact with him.

My mother made my sister and I interact with her bf and it was the worst mistake. We knew all along that he wasn't right for her, and that's why we weren't interested, but she ignored our feelings. That's when I learned that my mother didn't really give a fuck about me unless I made her happy and put her first. It was depressing and shit.

It's harsh, but she's your child and she needs to know she comes first. She won't always be this age. Let her have some breathing room without having an adult that she dislikes come into her home and try to be her friend.

Whereisegg Mon 02-Jun-14 19:04:01

Actually I disagree with pp.

If he literally popped in for a little while, and hasn't then proceeded to be round every/most nights, and in her face trying to tell her off then I would be having words.
Gentle words, but words nonetheless.

If she has an actual reason for not liking him other than insecurities and jealousy, then she is more than old enough to understand being rude to people, and you, is not on!

Having said that, are you out a lot now, or gushing about him at home?

It's tricky, and there's a fine line, but if she has no real reason to dislike him, then are you just supposed to stay single until she moves out?

Isetan Mon 02-Jun-14 19:08:01

How often does he pop in? How are things with her father? How long have you not been with her father? Is this the first boyfriend she has been introduced to? Theres not enough info here to theorise why she doesn't like him but put yourself in her shoes and try to find out and assess her fears before persuading her to like someone she barely knows.

tigermoll Mon 02-Jun-14 19:10:18

She doesn't HAVE to like him. And, if she doesn't like him, she shouldn't be made to spend time with him.

You are desperate to find a way to MAKE your DD like your boyfriend because it would make your life easier, but you can't force her. She has a right not to like him, and that doesn't have to be for a reason that seems 'justified' to you. How would you feel if someone you disliked kept coming to the house and snogging your mum?

OP, you seem appalled at the idea that you might end the relationship, but how would you feel about choosing to keep it separate from your family life? ie: boyf doesn't move in until children have left home, no pressure to all spend time 'as a family', nothing needs to change for your children, etc? That might be a solution, rather than you forcing your kids to spend time with a disliked 'step' parent.

Toohardtofindaproperusername Mon 02-Jun-14 19:10:53

I'd be surprised at any 13 year old girl liking their mums new boyfriend - seems totally to be expected to me.
13 - hormones all over the place, starting puberty, having mum all to herself for a while and now having to share - whats to like about a new man turning up? The boys might like a bit of male energy around but a 13 year old? She's probably enjoyed having less of it and more of you???
Is suggest not trying so hard to be liked (new bloke) and taking it easy and making sure she still has a lot of 1-1 time with you. Does she still have contact with her dad? Whats his situation? Tbh I wouldn't be over worried... . More unusual would be if she really like him! Just think back to what you /we were like at 13!

Whereisegg Mon 02-Jun-14 19:11:41

X posted with your last update.

Where is she while you're out with him?
If she's left to babysit her younger brother that could be an issue for her.

Would your elder ds have the younger ds so you and dd can go out?

I think you should scale right back on him popping round for a while, but explain fully that you can have a life and your dc still be the most important.
You can take her fears seriously, without being ruled by them.

wonderingwendy Mon 02-Jun-14 19:13:30

I split from her dad who by the way she doesn't like either around 7 months ago.waited until I was serious about my boyfriend before introducing him to them.he has been here total or four times for a cuppa and chat.she hasn't spoken to her father for a few months.
She said she doesn't like him as she thinks he is trying to hard and thinks he is funny and that I act different around him (I don't) she thinks we are moving too fast but I don't want her to dictate to me when and where I can see him.
We are serious about each other and he wants to be a family in the future.

TheSarcasticFringehead Mon 02-Jun-14 19:16:11

The answer will be different as there are two possible issues here- is it HIM she has the problem with, or you having ANY boyfriend? If she'd a young teen, I wouldn't expect her to talk to me outright about her problems, although asking will show her that you care, of course. I would slow it down and try and see him without her there. Could you ask your sons to kind of speak to her (I know when I was a kid, most of my moans and worries would come out if my brother started a general 'isn't mum annoying do x' and that's really the only time I'd come close to talking about some problems)?

wonderingwendy Mon 02-Jun-14 19:16:40

My eldest son babysits when I go out which he is more than happy to do.
I think she just gets lonely when im out .she always had my absolute attention when I were with her father .our marriage was terrible and ive been so unhappy for the longest time.

FantasticButtocks Mon 02-Jun-14 19:16:48

Dump him? shock that's a bit extreme isn't it? On a couple of moody bouts from a 13 year old? Gosh, if we all acted so swiftly to do what 13-year-old girls dictated we'd be in a right mess.

She's 13. it is quite normal at that age to be sulky and grumpy, unpleasant even, so let's not get carried away with damning this boyfriend before we know the first thing about him.

He has popped in a few times, and so your DD hardly knows him to dislike yet. Perhaps she would be like this whoever he was. Perhaps she needs some time to get used to him and the idea of you being in a relationship with somebody new to her.

You could, at an opportune moment when things between you and your DD are peaceful and you are alone, on a walk, say, talk to her. Say she she's made it obvious she doesn't approve, and is there a reason? Or, you could take your time over this, give her a chance to get to know him gradually and in her own time. How about some kind of nice outing involving him, you and the dcs, then he can make a gesture, like buying them an ice-cream or going on a ride to whatever.

She can't be expected to just like him automatically, that would be an imposition. But she can be expected to behave with grace and good manners though. In the meantime, if he can keep making the effort, and not take personally her behaviour or words, behaving like a grown up in other words, then perhaps progress will be made.

If you 'dumped him' - then the message your DD would get would be if I don't like something/someone, then I just behave badly, rudely, and DM will instantly take action against them.

Talking to your daughter would show her some respect and make her feel important, and listening to her give her reasons why she doesn't like him. She is probably just jealous, Op, and needs a bit of help.

ForeskinHyena Mon 02-Jun-14 19:16:57

You don't need to dump him FGS! A 13 year old who has only met him a handful of times is not the best judge of character of someone who could be a great partner for you.

Why should you pass up your chance of a happy relationship on the basis of your child's unreasonable dislike? Hunches and intuition are all well and good when you don't have an ulterior motive, but our DCs are always going to want us to be available to them 24/7 while they are happy to go out for an entire day, all the while expecting us to drop everything to collect them! Having someone other than her dad as your partner is bound to be weird at first, maybe she had some idea that you might ge back with him? Either way, she needs setting straight. She is old enough to realise that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Your DCs won't be around forever and if you let them dictate your social life you will end up lonely and resentful.

Your DD doesn't have to spend time with him, but she does need to be polite and respectful of him, as you would expect her to be about any of your other friends. People insinuating that she might have some hidden reason to dislike him or that your DSs must be lying about liking him obviously don't have teenagers! They don't usually need an actual reason to be rude and obnoxious.

wonderingwendy Mon 02-Jun-14 19:17:49

My eldest son babysits when I go out which he is more than happy to do.
I think she just gets lonely when im out .she always had my absolute attention when I were with her father .our marriage was terrible and ive been so unhappy for the longest time.

Whereisegg Mon 02-Jun-14 19:18:03

7 months will seem exceptionally fast to your dd I think.

Did you all have to move house as well as the break up?

I retract some of what I said now I think, she is crying out for you op.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 02-Jun-14 19:19:37

I think you've moved pretty quickly tbh. You know that you were unhappy for ages and so emotionally you were detached and ready to start a new relationship.

You say that she is now getting less attention from you, so of course she is upset.

You need to slow things right down, listen to what she is saying and give her a lot of reassurance.

tigermoll Mon 02-Jun-14 19:19:59

So let me get this straight: your r/ship with her father finished 7 months, ago, and one month later you met this guy that you are 'serious' about 'being a family' with? Meanwhile, your daughter hasn't spoken to her dad (is that because he isn't fussed about her, or because he was so nasty when you were together that now she doesn't want anything to do with him? Either way, it's not brilliant) since the split?

I have to say, I'm with your daughter on this. No wonder she's not keen. And I expect you are 'different' around him, even if you feel you aren't.

OddFodd Mon 02-Jun-14 19:20:58

I agree with her. You split up with your husband 7 months ago, you started seeing your boyfriend a month later and you're serious about one another and 'want to be a family'.

Woah. Slow down!

oikopolis Mon 02-Jun-14 19:21:23

SEVEN months...?! You expect your DD to embrace a new man, one that you have already decided you're "serious" about (when your daughter isn't even keen on him??? when you can count the number of times he's met them on one hand?), after SEVEN months....?!

Jesus OP. Your daughter sounds more sensible than you, sorry.

I can guarantee you that you act differently around him. I know exactly what your DD is talking about, I saw it with my own mother.

I warn you not to turn your need for a relationship into a dangerous power play where you basically end up telling your daughter, through your actions, that you having a boyfriend is more important than her being comfortable in her own home.

Slow WAY down, keep him separate from them and for God's sake, don't try to pressure your CHILD into being pally with a new man SEVEN MONTHS after her nuclear family was broken up.

Ziplex Mon 02-Jun-14 19:22:51

She's pushing her luck and stamping out her territory, I did it with my step-parents, my son did it with his step-Dad.
Thing is you need to talk to her and hear her BUT you also have to spell out that you are allowed a life too.
Many comments will say kids come first and to an extent they do BUT you also come EQUAL first and as long as there is no abuse/bullying/nastiness/ neglect then she really does have to suck it up. You are ALLOWED a life and you having a loving good relationship with a new man isn't harmful to her, letting her dictate IS harmful to her.

tigermoll Mon 02-Jun-14 19:22:53

our marriage was terrible and ive been so unhappy for the longest time

That sounds awful for you and your children. Can you see why your daughter might not be 100% sold on another man in the house, if her model of a relationship is a negative one?

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