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Had a row with friend, she thinks I am being tight and pathetic advice please

(203 Posts)
bouncy Sat 02-Sep-06 20:53:41

Firstly I would like to add that what I love about mumsnet is that advice is usually given as it is, and people are not always told what they want to hear, bearing that in mind I would like honest advice please.

I have had a row is a good friend of 5 years, she does not agree that my ds 7 has chores, and gets pocket money for doing so, all he has to do is keep his room tidy, and clean out his hamster hardly a lot, she thinks that children should be children and not have to do anything.

today she came round with her 2 kids ds aged 6 and dd 4, her kids have no value of money whatsoever, always getting toys willy nilly, always going to clubs, 3 each a week, always trips to theme parks etc etc, but what annoys me most is that they will ask for something, take a bite then say I want that instead, and my friend lets them have it, imho they are spoilt and its hard for me to admit that out of all my friends kids, I like them the least.

Anyway they came today and stayed for lunch, they both asked for a sandwich, i made it, they took the usual one bite of sandwich and said, nah I actually fancy and roll instead, I made them a roll, only for them to do the same again and ask for some pizza, at this point I said no sorry I have already made you X and X, at which point my friend said, why dont you give them a piece of pizza, I told her I already made them the other things as she well knew, she then said she always fed my son when he goes round (yes she does, but he eats what he is given and never changes his mind) and that I am just being tight, and its very pathetic of me to not give them some food, she made it sounds as though I was refusing her kids any food.

I just feel so annoyed with her, she left shortly afterwards to take them to Mcdonalds.

I am so proud of ds as he is a lovely polite boy, who saves for things he wants, his face when he actually buys something he has been saving for, he respects his toys and looks after them.

she is a good friend and i see her mainly when the kids are at school, we have very different opinions on parenting, I like time out and she goes for the wait till your dad gets home approach.

Anyway just needed a rant really as just got a text asking if I am ready to apologise yet !!!!!

morningpaper Sat 02-Sep-06 20:57:27

Gosh she sounds very rude and so do her children. You sound like a great host and a good mummy. Do you really need this woman as your friend? She sounds like a bit of a bully and terribly rude.

expatinscotland Sat 02-Sep-06 20:58:29

The 'Me, Me, Me' culture is alive and well b/c of parents like your friends.

Sorry, but I see NOTHING wrong w/giving kids chores. My 3-year-old loves to help out and we love indulging her in this.

I was brought up doing chores b/c it makes you feel part of the family as a team, teaches the value of money and skills that are valuable for being independence.

Kids need discipline and boundaries. This is the hard part of being a parent. But a vital part, nonetheless.

VeniVidiVickiQV Sat 02-Sep-06 20:59:30

You are in the right. Tell her you will apologise if she does (to keep the peace) and accepts that you will deal with children as you see fit in your own home in future, and that it is not your way of doing things to make umpteen different meals to suit. You dont do it for yours, you dont expect to do it for others. Your house, your rules, her house, her rules.

waterfalls Sat 02-Sep-06 20:59:40

She will be weeping into her vodka bottle when they are tearaway teenagers who have no respect for her or anyone else....................blimey call in supernanny/

acnebride Sat 02-Sep-06 21:00:26

did she seriously say all that to you in front of both sets of children? she must have been embarrassed but tbh she deserves to be.

her parenting is her business and the same goes for you. i wouldn't change a thing you do - but tbh i wouldn't text her back (or apologise) just pretend it never happened, if she will let you.

(am i repressed enough?)

madrose Sat 02-Sep-06 21:00:36

no - I don't think you are 'tight' at all. Your style of parenting is one that I hope to follow with my DD.

You are raising your DS to appreciate things and to show respect. he will in turn be appreciated and respected by others, and will do well in life and enjoy life.

I think your friend is being a little silly, what happens in her house is her business, but she should respect your views/rules in her house.

I think I would have thrown the phone across the room if I had received that txt.

WideWebWitch Sat 02-Sep-06 21:00:58

It's your house, your rules and her children should have been told, imho, to either eat it or leave it but not keep demanding you run around like some servant. So I think she was wrong - you even gave them the CHOICE fgs and they STILL didn't eat it, it's rude and she should be admonishing them, not you imo. If my children were being awkward like this at someone's house I would probably be apologising, not asking someone to say sorry to me! I know children can change their minds etc but this sounds way over and above that.

CountTo10 Sat 02-Sep-06 21:01:33

I can't believe that she thought it was ok to demand that of you in your home. I think what you're doing with your son is fantastic and there should be more of it. Not enough kids these days have an appreciation of money and hard work etc and its teaching him to understand that nothing in life comes for free, how rewarding working for your own treats can be and about responsibility so good on you. As for your friend, she needs to learn some manners and then teach them to her kids. I would have done exactly the same as you and would have stopped at the sandwiches. I hate food wasting!!!!

fattiemumma Sat 02-Sep-06 21:01:54

you have absolutly nothing to apologise for.

If she has money to burn on wastefull ungratefull spoilt little retches then thats fine, but you don't and nor should you have to.

Its not being tight to expect a child to eat the food he has chosen.

Your DS sound slike a very lovely boy who is being bought up to be respectful of money, objects and people.....three skills her children are lacking.
If she persists then print the responses you get here and send them to i quite frankly doubt there will be anyone who is taking her corner over this.

WideWebWitch Sat 02-Sep-06 21:02:08

Ooh, we all agree! She doesn't sound nice, do you really want her as a friend?

madrose Sat 02-Sep-06 21:02:21

i meant 'your' house

Greensleeves Sat 02-Sep-06 21:02:32

Um - I am not the most disciplinarian of mums, but I don't like rudeness like that. Especially from an adult

You're right, she's wrong. Sorry she's upset you.

Ellaroo Sat 02-Sep-06 21:02:35

Bouncy - how utterly infuriating! Firstly that her children were so obnoxious to you in your own home and then secondly that your friend backed them up on it! I think you are completely in the right. Perhaps a text back suggesting that SHE apologise? Your little boy sounds lovely and when my children are a bit older I intend to follow a similar scheme re: pocket money. Perhaps you should confine it to only seeing her when her beastly children aren't there? .

Gingeme Sat 02-Sep-06 21:05:14

I totaly agree with you and expat. Children definately need boundaries and they need to know what rewards they get when they keep them. A few chores around the house is a good idea at any age. My ds is 2 and he always puts most of his toys back in the toy box at the end of the day and he does if we visit other peoples houses too.
Your friend will learn the hard way when her kids get older and have jobs and wonder why they cant pay their bills at the end of the week because theyve blown it on something they realy dont need.
You are totaly in the right

charliecat Sat 02-Sep-06 21:06:00

Your not being tight or pathetic, Id like to see her PAYING for a sanny, then a roll then a pizza, I bet she wouldnt.
I have a Would you like this, this or this policy in my house. Once you have chosen thats it...thats all there is. And if you leave half of it your having Jack Shit else. Thats for guests and family.

nutcracker Sat 02-Sep-06 21:12:13

I agree with everyone else, friend was well in the wrong.

I have just started giving my 2 eldest (6 and 8) pocket money. I wasn't going to give it to them for any particular reason ie jobs done ect but more as an exercise in getting them to save, but when me and dd1 were debating the amount, she announced "fine but i am only getting pocket money if i do chores" LOL. Like I was going to argue with her.

Anyway now they are going to tidy rooms and help out generally, for an undisclosed amount each week (done like that because i know i won't always be able to afford the same amount).

Pinotmum Sat 02-Sep-06 21:12:52

She was wrong and you were right

catsmother Sat 02-Sep-06 21:44:25

Another vote for your way of doing things.

Not only do her kids sound spoilt brats but she also sounds appallingly rude. I was bought up to try and eat whatever was offered when I was a guest (unless it was something I literally couldn't stomach) out of politeness.

FFS - you already pandered to their demands once and that would have been once too often for me, unless I had unwittingly given them something they genuinely didn't like - as opposed to them being fickle for the sake of it.

She is also doubly rude to demand an apology. If anyone should be apologising it is her, for objecting to your rules in your house (even if she disagreed and was seething internally, the polite thing to do is to abide by someone else's boundaries when you're in their home).

And triple rude for not only objecting to what you said, but to quantify it by saying you were "tight". That is offensive.

I think it is possible to be friends with people who have opposing views, but if they then insist on pressing those views on you, it's not so good. By saying what she did - presumably in front of these spoilt brats - not only was she being rude but she has also taught them that it's okay to undermine adults in their own home. I want my friends' kids to respect me as an adult and she is showing them that it's okay to be rude to bouncy.

I'd think very hard about whether you want a "friend" like this in your life.

shimmy21 Sat 02-Sep-06 21:52:54

dear Bouncy's friend

Your children are spoilt and you have been rude and ungrateful to a fair person.

Shame on you and your bratty children.

(and now, Bouncy, show her this thread)

busybusymum Sat 02-Sep-06 21:54:41

Another vote for you from me, for what its worth.

If it was me I wouldn't have made the roll until they had eaten their sandwich first.

sosickoftheweed Sat 02-Sep-06 22:04:12

I so agree with thos ewho say the she was TORALLY in the wrong are you are right. Ditch her you dont need friends like that.

MoreSpamThanGlam Sat 02-Sep-06 22:11:10

Went on hols with friend like that. Her son was given every toy going and pandered to. One day he was given a dingy for the pool and wanted to just pull it around but not let any other children play in it. My daughter laughed it off and played with the other kids and my friend was really cross because her son was left with nobody to play with and didnt talk to me for rest of hols.
we didnt speak for 6 months and then she contacted me and said she missed our friendship and had been out of order.
My point is this... you and your family sound like decent people that i would like to have as a friend and your friend sounds like a bit of a self righteous bully. Tell her you dont apologise and that you gave her kids 2 choices at their request and that you dont have the time effort oR money to go through everything in your cupboard until they are satisfied. Tell her you value her frienship but you are hurt that she has made you feel like you are being tight.
If she is still mean tell her to go f herself.

threebob Sat 02-Sep-06 22:12:39

I wouldn't have even made the roll. Her kids aren't being kids - they are being brats and it will bite her in the bum.

Your ds sounds lovely BTW.

Do you really need this friend? I have a friend whose parenting annoys me - but I still see her without children. This tells me that my parenting annoys her too, but without kids we have heaps in common and would have been friends before we had them - so why not after having kids (as long as we leave kids at home with dad?)

1Baby1Bump Sat 02-Sep-06 22:21:30

her kids will struggle terribly when they have to fend for themselves that's all i can say.
they will have no respect for or idea of the value of thingd and get a nasty shock.
yuo are doing things the way i intend to do things and the way my and dh's mother raised us- normally imho.
dh said he would have told her to get stuffed!!

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