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Best Friend or New Man? Massively complicated situation!

(151 Posts)
MoonshineWashingLine Sun 01-Jun-14 14:54:45

I am in a bit of a pickle... a while ago I had a "whoops I slept with one of my best friends" thread on here and since then we have slept together a couple more times and it is apparent that we do like each other, which is great. But its complicated. Very complicated as one of our mutual friends is in love with him and he has messed her about a bit over the years in as much as he would sleep with her when he's drunk but not want anything other than to be her friend when sober. They have never kissed in public and never officially been an item. Even though he has told her several times that he doesn't want a relationship with her, they are still good friends and she is clinging on to the hope that one day they will be together.

Anyway, last weekend I flirtatiously asked said male friend if I could stay at his house after a night out we were both going on but he said he needed some alone time as he had just got back from holiday. I took this to mean that he wasn't really that interested in me and it was just sex. So... I ended up meeting a guy while out! We have been on one date, he is not my usual type but seems like a nice bloke. He lives quite far away so for me that's good as he seems rather keen even though we have only met each other twice confused he texts me every day and is very keen to meet up again. He is also loaded haha smile I don't think we have much in common though. He drives a sports car and I am a massive hippy...

But then it becomes apparent that my friend of 15 years has always wondered what might have happened between us if we had got together and he does have a bit of a thing for me. And I do him. We get on really well, talk for hours and hours, have lots in common plus the sex is fantastic! I feel really comfortable with him and it feels good to be with him.

But I also feel that if we became an item it would break our mutual friends heart and possibly drive a wedge between other people in our friend group...

Its a bit of a mess to say the least! Wwyd?

MoonRover Sun 01-Jun-14 15:00:24

I think he is playing you and the other friend who is in love with him.

Have these of wondering what it might be like, to be in a relationship with you, only come up since you've been seeing someone else?

Keep him as a friend. As a boyfriend he seems a bit of a twat.

MoonRover Sun 01-Jun-14 15:02:04

"Have these FEELINGS of wondering...."

greenffrog Sun 01-Jun-14 15:02:36

I would leave your 'friend' alone and see how it goes with new guy. Friend doesn't sound that convincing that he does really like you any more than he likes your mutual friend and only decided that maybe he did when you started seeing someone else. Sounds like he likes having women available and wanting him but doesn't want to give anything in return.

MoonshineWashingLine Sun 01-Jun-14 15:08:00

He did look a bit jealous when I met new man...
but the phrase he used was 'I have always wondered'... because when we first met each other at college we both fancied each other, had a couple of near misses and then fell firmly in to the friend zone! Until now of course...

Yama Sun 01-Jun-14 15:10:04

Old friend hasn't been very considerate of the feelings of your mutual friends has he? A one night stand with an admirer is one thing but leading her makes him a dick.

Give new guy a chance. Or if you are not interested in him, don't but I wouldn't get into a relationship with old friend.

Yama Sun 01-Jun-14 15:11:11

friend and leading her on

Kaluki Sun 01-Jun-14 15:13:39

Doesn't sound like either of them are right for you tbh.
The Friend is playing you and wants to pick you up and drop you when it suits him and you only seem interested in new man because he's loaded and lives far away!!!
Why not stay single till you meet someone who feels the same way as you!

LittlePeaPod Sun 01-Jun-14 15:15:34

I also think his a player and you will end up in the same position the other girl is in. If he was that into you he would have jumped at the chance of you staying over when you asked. Sound like the "I want what's in obtainable type".

I say leave them both alone. You don't sound all that interested in the other.

MoonshineWashingLine Sun 01-Jun-14 15:32:31

The other side of the story re: our mutual friend is that she throws herself at him when she is drunk. She literally climbed in to bed with him while he was asleep once! So I can sort of understand why he has caved in a few times but he hasn't helped things by letting them go on far longer than they should have...

He openly admits that he is rubbish with women and that he doesn't really know what he wants. I have half a mind to just say, "make your damn mind up, I don't have time to wait around for 'ifs' and 'maybes'"!

holdyourown Sun 01-Jun-14 15:34:57

The 'friend' sounds like a manchild who is not worth bothering with imho - if he was that interested he'd have made a move in the past 15 years hmm instead of sleeping with and leading on your friend.

You don't sound especially bothered about the other man. But why is it so odd to you that he's keen and texting, that's normal. Have you really taken time to find out how much you have in common, other than the superficial? I'd get to know him more if I were you, or as above posters have said, just wait to meet someone else more suitable than either.

meditrina Sun 01-Jun-14 15:35:00

Have I read this right?

You and your friend are both FWB for man A. You have recently had a date with man B, who you like but not enough.

I think you keep hunting for men C, D, E or whatever letter you reach by the time you find a man you like without major reservations who is prepared to be in an acknowledged relationship with you. Or if you prefer FWB, is not doing the same with others in your immediate circle.

BosieDufflecoat Sun 01-Jun-14 15:43:40

When you're with him, do you think about the new guy?

When you're with the new guy, do you think about your long-term friend?

Or does either one of them make you forget/not care about what anyone else is doing because you're just happy to be with them?

If long-term friend were to settle down with someone else and have kids, would you be happy for him?

Bindibach Sun 01-Jun-14 16:24:03

The "friend" sounds like he is doing exactly the same to you as he has been doing to your girl friend and is probably seeing both of you. If he really wanted to be in a relationship with you then he would be. The other new man is showing you how a man who wants to be with you behaves, not how your "friend" is behaving. Your "friend" is just having sex with you. Nothing more. I don't think that is what you want though so don't sell yourself short nor risk your other friendship with the girl friend.

MabelSideswipe Sun 01-Jun-14 16:31:53

You and your female friend are marvellous for this bloke's ego. If he wanted you he would have let you know in no uncertain terms. He wants you dangling like your the other poor woman.

LittlePeaPod Sun 01-Jun-14 16:39:49

I think its unfair to say other girl throws herself at him. We don't know what he says/has said to her. Op, you could be accused of the same the night you offered to stay at his and he blew you out.

It sounds like a classic - new man is really keen on you. You aren't that bothered about new man, you are really keen on man friend but he doesn't seem that into you..

MoonshineWashingLine Sun 01-Jun-14 17:31:36

New man does seem like a genuinely lovely person so I'm not writing it off yet...

I had worried that man friend would just mess me about too but unlike our mutual friend, I don't put up with any shit. So if it did become obvious that he was just in it for the sex then I would just tell him to do one. However I think it might be a bit more than that... he has his own reasons for being wary of committing to me (I don't have the bedt track record!) and I am obviously wary of him because of our friend. I'm wondering if it's worth all the hassle...

Thislife Sun 01-Jun-14 17:36:50

I agree with everyone else! Old friend is playing the both of you. And you are criticising her for being desperate to
go to bed with him yet you asked him if you could spend the night with him and he said no! Sex on a plate and he refuses. I would be insulted if I were you.

The new guy is acting how you would want at this stage. Give him a bit longer but blow the other one out (he will
probably hate it.)

TalisaMaegyr Sun 01-Jun-14 17:41:47

Get rid of friend guy - I had one of these years ago and still fancied myself a little bit in love with him for a long time. Years later, he got in touch and added me on FB, I was over the moon. Never spoke a word to me after that. I deleted him a few months ago, he's a fucking twat who likes having women massaging his ego.

Bindibach Sun 01-Jun-14 17:56:42

Regardless of your "track record" with old friend, if he really wanted to be with you he would jump at the offer of you staying the night and would also be persuing you and making you aware of exactly how he feels about you. Anything else is just speculation and hope on your part. Men do let it be know when they want to be with you. I think he is messing you about already just like mutual friend. He probably says the same things to her that he says to you. That's why she holds a torch for him still. Its not complicated, its simple. Go out with new man. If old friend wants you that much he will do something about it in a proper manner.

ohldoneedtogetagrip Sun 01-Jun-14 19:14:02

Your friend is just not that into you
He doesn't want you as a full time GF but is not happy for you to start a relationship with somebody else in case he is needing a shag at some point. He wants you to be available.
Give the new guy a chance--oposites attracts grin

MoonshineWashingLine Mon 02-Jun-14 08:26:34

Well, me and man friend were texting last night and we have agreed to have a chat about the whole thing without alcohol being involved, as every time we have a drink together we end up sleeping together!

I also told my best girl friend about what happened and she thinks the issue of our mutual friend is his problem to sort out and I shouldn't feel bad about it... unfortunately, I have a conscience so I do feel a bit bad :/

LittlePeaPod Mon 02-Jun-14 09:30:44

Op, I don't think you have heard what most people have said on the thread. I don't think the issue here is your mutual female friend. I think the issue is his going to treat you like he does her.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Jun-14 09:34:10

There is a narrative going through OP's head and I don't think it matches RL

OP, do you think you are better than your female friend and won't get treated like shit by this man ? It's started already and you have brushed it off. I expect your female friend thought she was "strong" and "didn't take shit" too

You have taken shit already. Before too long you will be climbing into his bed when he is asleep.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Mon 02-Jun-14 09:40:54

he has messed her about a bit over the years in as much as he would sleep with her when he's drunk but not want anything other than to be her friend when sober.

every time we have a drink together we end up sleeping together!

To use the old 90s catchphrase - you know your female friend, that's YOU that is.

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